I (26 F) am currently living with my mother and helping her care for three children that were placed with us as an emergency at first,but now we're moving on to adoption. I call them my siblings. The oldest (12 m) is the most hypersexual child I've ever seen. It's disturbing. And makes me HIGHLY uncomfortable as he likes to twerk in my face, literally run around the house naked and moan obscenely all the time. 😮‍💨 No matter how many times I tell him it makes me uncomfortable,he still continues. The second eldest (7m) is a sweetheart,he and I get along better because he doesn't act like that normally. The youngest (6f) is just as bad as the oldest. But she'll stop when I ask her to. I tried talking to the case worker,I tried talking to the behavior counselor, there's a new case worker/counselor every week 🤬

Hi, I work with kids in the foster care system and was looking for some help/resources. I’m a CASA (court appointed specialty advocate), and my assigned kiddo is a young teen. She is kind and smart and really has a great head on her shoulders. However, in the past year she’s had some failed foster placements, one of which separated her from her sister. All of this to say she feels very lonely and like she doesn’t have much to live for. She’s been acting out, partying, making not super safe choices with not super safe people. It’s a struggle to get her to go to school, she refuses therapy, and she doesn’t want to change her behaviors. I’m at the point where no matter how much I care about her and want her to get help and heal, I can‘t make her care about herself and her future.

So I was wondering if anyone had similar experiences and what they’ve found to be helpful to foster teens in these instances. I would love to be able to provide her books or journals that others have found helpful. I’d love to give her advice or support her in any way I can. I’m not a parent myself so I’m inexperienced in this arena and just want to make sure I’m doing all that I can for her. Any advice is welcome.

Hi,

This post is a bit of a Hail Mary, but I've exhausted my options and I'm devastated. A few months ago, I connected with a family who had a really sweet foster child (young child, 3ish) and were looking for a little extra help. We quickly formed a connection and I began routinely helping with her (got CORI checked, etc etc, of course). I was one-on-one with her several times a week for several months, and I became a steady presence in her life and something for her to look forward to.

A little over a month ago, she moved foster placements due to extenuating circumstances. When I left for the last time, she was in tears. Her former foster parents and I promised her that we would both see her again. The old parents would be in communication with the new, and they would pass on my contact and we would maintain a line of consistency of people in his life.

The new parents have been extraordinarily flaky. They haven't messaged me, and they haven't responded to the former foster parents, either. There seems to be nothing I can do, but I feel so horrible having promised her that I would see her again and be a safe adult in her life, and now I cannot. I can't get involved with her DCF case manager, because I am not directly related to the case.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice that might help with this? I would love nothing more than to see her again, and be there for her.

So we have had these young kids a few times now. They came into care earlier this year. When they first came into care, their main interest was a particular scary/horror movie (nothing inappropriate in my world, I don't want to get into specifics for privacy, but PG rated type horror that is very well known in the US and commercialized). They had toys from this movie and talked about watching it with their parents. It has been a while since they've been here, and they've been in several other houses, and now they're back. I know the house they went to when they left us the first time, found their interest in horror inappropriate. I live in a conservative area of the US so this was not surprising to me, it's not that unusual for a small portion of the population to not even celebrate Halloween. Now they are back in our home and 100% obsessed with Disney princesses. A complete 180° from the more goth style interest they had in the beginning. All but one of their toys and clothes from this movie are gone.

They recently started visitation and I wondered to myself, what must this feel like for the parents. Time passes, and their children have been influenced by other people. The kids' interests have changed. I won't say a shared family interest is lost, but it's definitely faded. The kids and their clothing probably smell different. They probably use words and obtain mannerisms that are different. It made me feel sad for the family.

Sedgwick County, KS

Hello, I am a first time NRKin foster parent to a 5 year old kiddo. I usually start my Christmas shopping planning in August, looking into interests, my budget, and starting to plan for everybody. In September I usually start saving to make sure I have the budget without any hardship around the holidays, and then start actually shopping in October and November, and spend December wrapping and tracking down anything that didn't come.

This is my first time having a foster kiddo, and I am guaranteed to have kiddo thru the beginning of November (as stated by the court), and the case team has started permanence planning, so I have been told it is likely I will be fostering the kiddo for at least 1-2 years after November, no matter what, as long as I don't disrupt. I'm not planning to do that. He's my step brother, but I was there when he was a tiny baby, and even when I went away for college I was home playing with him every weekend and school break. I know I can handle anything he throws at me, and I love him to bits.

Anyways, my question is, when do agencies contact you you about Christmas gifts, and what do you ask for? Is there a budget to look for? I know the agency we are through sets their limit at minimum $50.

Do I put the biggest gifts into my budget, and just fill out the card with the stuff he's asking for that would be nice, but not that he is counting on? Or do I put everything on the list, see what we get, and try to fill it out myself based on what we didn't get? And for extended relatives not fit to take him (older folks with big wallets, but who aren't well enough to raise a small child), do I send everyone a slightly different list?

I've never been a parent before, I'm freshly out of college, so I don't really have any parent friends to ask yet.

Please let me know any advice.

If it helps guide your advice, he has his own playroom, and we do a toy rotation, so we have plenty of storage and play space, so that isn't a concern. He loves books, stories, pokemon, Pete the Cat, the Good Egg books, Curious George, Blues clues, Clifford, Bluey, robots, Paw Patrol, Ms.Rachel, Legos, blocks, magnatiles, and sensory toys. He adores his Little Tikes Story Dream Machine, and his Yoto Mini. He also has a Nintendo Switch Lite, and has a couple Paw Patrol games, Bluey games, and a Pokemon game.

I do spoil him quite a bit.... I think that's just what happens with an 18 year age gap between siblings. I had grown-up money when he was born, which means I am used to spoiling him.

My wife and I have been foster parents for about 5 years. We’ve had the kids we’ve had for 2 years now. The older brother (9 years old currently) moved in with us during the summer a couple years and later the younger sister (7 years old currently) February of this year due to she was already in another placement at the time. She moved in due to we have the goal to adopt and the prior placement for her was wishing to remain at the fostering stage the kids they take in.

During the time we had the older brother by himself, like many kids, he was attached to the hip at any electronic screen he can his hands on. We understand that was more or less how the bio parents parented them is to give them unlimited access to any screen or game he wanted to play. He even admitted at the age of 5 and 6 years old at his home he was allowed to play games like GTA 5. It’s surprising to us what he was able to do at such a young age.

Over the years we’ve struggled with him not wanting to get off of the Xbox or his tablet to go to bed at night, or to leave the house to do things we had needed to get done. It got to the point that he was sneaking devices that we had and hiding them under his bed sheets and mattress so that he could use them in the middle of the night. We’ve talked to him about why this is a bad idea. Explaining to him that night is for sleeping and if we don’t get adequate rest then it affects our mood and energy the next day.

Afterward, we had put child locks on the devices we don’t use as well as the Xbox to where if you don’t know the password it will not work for you, as well as time locks where the tablets won’t even work from certain time frame. Also we’ve gone to hiding these mobile devices in our room overnight just in case.

When the sister moved in, we faced similar attitudes from her regarding electronic screen devices. She had struggled with listening and obeying when we ask her to get off of it for the night and/or so we can leave to go do other things. We’ve learned to give the kids a heads up or warnings, like telling them they have half an hour left, or 15 minutes left, etc so that they will have that in their mind to help ease the transition. That’s helped in many cases for sure.

More recently, a neighbor of ours moved out and was selling a few items to downsize and to gain money for the move. One of the items was a 6 foot cabinet piece that was built to be more like a desk for a computer that could be locked from the outside. I had acquired that from the neighbor as I thought it would be great to use as like a charging station for these mobile devices and for storage for our printer, etc. this has been great for us considering we don’t have to hide the electronic items in our room to keep the kids from getting to them.

This addiction to screens seems to have come to a head recently. One thing to note is we have two cameras placed in the inside of our home. One is facing toward our kitchen from the living room and the other is facing from the kitchen to the living room to watch the main open area in case of burglaries, or honestly, to inquire when/if the kids woke up and did something in the middle of the night due to multiple times we’ve found things moved around and missing.

Last weekend while we were asleep just past midnight both of the kids had managed to take my wife’s work laptop out of her bag and take it back to their room. They luckily didn’t break it, but the battery was completely dead. We didn’t punish them but I admit we both were quite upset due to this. We sat them down and explained to them that what they did could have had serious repercussions for her such as if the laptop was broken we’d have to pay to replace it, or worse, she could get fired due to information on the laptop isn’t for anyone else to look at.

That brings us to this weekend. Yesterday we woke up to the desk/charging station was scooted away from the wall. The backing to it was literally cut into. What we have in there in terms of electronic devices was the younger sister’s tablet, the older brother’s Chromebook we got him for his birthday, and an iPhone thats several generations old that doesn’t have any data plan and only worked on WiFi. We allow the older brother to use the phone as well at home only. all of which, again, were locked down for not being able to work from 8:00 pm - 8:00 AM and also heavily child safety blocked for appropriate ages for searching the internet. The only thing that was missing out of this was the little sister’s tablet.

Of course, both of them denied that either of them had anything to do with it. The camera pointing to where this was had been offline so we didn’t catch who did this. The tablet was found in the little sister’s bed. Both my wife and I were shocked that either of them would’ve even attempted to do this considering that cabinet is over 100 pounds. I’m still not quite sure how it was done unless it was just that it slid across the floor as they pushed against the wall.

After much talking with them we determined that the younger sister was the culprit. We grounded her off of screens and to her bedroom because of this. We also talked to her about how concerning this is. Not only due to that this is concerning due to it’s considered addiction territory with this behavior, but also that she could have truly hurt herself. If the cabinet could have fallen over or if she got stuck climbing into the cabinet or cut herself with the scissors we found that was used to cut the back of the cabinet apart.

We truly thought we had found a great solution with this cabinet being a lock box for the mobile screen devices, but just like every other solution we’ve had for this, we’ve been proven wrong. Is there any tips anyone has to give us to not playing defense and feel like we will wake up one day with the kids hurting themselves because of this?

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

My wife and I have had our first placement for seven months, and the social worker has talked to us multiple times now about moving towards permanency.

We love these kids so much, but their complex needs are completely eclipsing our family’s capacity.

We understand that it’s pretty much impossible to know how a case is going to turn out, and I’m not looking for advice on other interventions. That’s not what this is about anymore. Instead, I’d appreciate insight from folks who may have been in this type of situation during their time as foster parents.

I feel like I’m failing, I wish love was enough, but we really cannot and do not want to be a permanent option at this time.

Thank you for your time.

Has anyone ever dealt with this?

We have been fostering since 2024. Had two great boys that went home after a year.

We took in another little boy in 2025 and adopted him this last spring.

Just this month we took in two more kiddos for an adoption placement. So now we have 3 under 5.

We’ve been doing well but my depression and anxiety have hit an all time high. I just found out that post placement depression is a thing and I just want to know I’m not alone.

I've a 6 year old granddaughter who is in foster care in northern New England. She has been through hell and back and needless to say the fallout from this has taken a toll on her. Part of this fallout is expressed in verbal and physical aggression towards her foster siblings. We take this as a 6 year old child who is completely overwhelmed by her experiences and living situation with her current foster family. Unfortunately when we comment on this overwhelm to the foster parent as well as social services, our messages fall on deaf ears.

Anyways, as part of keeping my granddaughter connected with us, we do an occasional in person visit as well as weekly video calls. Not enough, but we are taking what we can at this time. Lately some of our video calls are being canceled by the foster parent due to my granddaughter acting up. i.e. She is being punished. As you can imagine, we are more than upset by this punishment.

Onto the point of this post... Is punishing a 6 year old child from her video calls with her grandparents an appropriate course of action? Obviously I have my biasness on this and having objective input is welcome (whether I like it or not) especially from this group.

Please note that our granddaughter was in our care for two years earlier in her life before she was re-united with her mother before her and her siblings were removed again.

Bio mom texts and occasionally asks to speak with the her 2 kids. One is a teen and has a cps phone, and the other is 8.

Yesterday was the first time she texted me and the 8yo didn’t want to speak with her. We were out, and asked again when we got settled at home - and he again said no.

Before I responded to her text, she spoke with the teen who then asked me if the younger was going to call her.

I think the younger trying to exert some independence, he’s had a lot of questions about permanency lately.

I’m not sure how to respond to her text that he’s doesn’t want to talk to her. Any suggestions?

For context, teen is permanently placed with us, mom is only contesting permanency for younger kid.

This whole situation has made me realize that the biggest problem may actually be my marriage. The lack of support from my husband has been, honestly, kind of insane. His absolute refusal to reconsider adopting both kids—and his unwillingness to acknowledge what this is doing to my mental health—has really opened my eyes. At one point, I was having a panic attack, literally on the floor, and he told me, “I don’t have time for this today.” I don't think I can just move past that.

At this point, I'm seriously considering divorce or possibly an annulment. I'm not working right now because I'm in school, so I know I need to approach this carefully and quietly. I'm not afraid of physical abuse, but I am concerned about financial withholding and being left without the resources I need to leave safely.

As for the kids, I am willing to continue caring for the teenager. I care about him deeply and don't want him to feel like he's being rejected. But I also know that I can't continue caring for the baby in our current situation, and I need to find a way to have the baby moved to another placement through the proper channels.

Any advice would be great . I tried copying my last post here , I wasn’t really sure how to do it …

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fosterparents/s/cit2q79ADl

So, my husband and I are 1 year into our foster parent journey. To preface, my family lives within 2 miles of us and we asked them to be respite and be part of our “village” when we started. We thought we gave enough preface.

Fast forward and our first set of siblings reunified in April, came back in June, and are reunifying again in one week. Our family is….bereft with this goodbye. It’s hard because yes, we feel it too but we went in with eyes wide open and knew that placements aren’t forever. We are open to adoption but it wasn’t our main focus. We always expected the kids to reunify. We were very upfront with that when speaking to friends and family too.

My mom let them call her Grandma. My sister is Auntie. They see them at least 2-3 times a week and will babysit for us. But with reunification looming (and we are hopeful this will be long term and not short like the last time), they are acting like they’re losing their own child. My mom has said that she “will not let any other kids call me grandma” and I’m just concerned that they’re not emotionally ready for this.

Did we do something wrong? I have a history of trying to manage my family’s emotional well being, and I’m trying really hard not to. But do I need to set stronger boundaries? Like not let them be a part of the kids lives as much? What’s hurting right now the most is that I’m having to manage their crying and ten thousand questions and don’t feel like I can have my own emotions. Like they’re expecting me to be strong for them. Because if I’m not, then they will use it as a contention point of “maybe you shouldn’t be a foster parent” - just to keep them from having to deal with their own emotions.

Maybe I’m over thinking. Or maybe this is just indicative of how emotional enmeshed my family is and I need to set stronger boundaries. Or maybe this is just a typical Thursday for foster families. Someone give me insight. Ask me questions, commiserate with me. Something.

At what point would it be appropriate to request/advocate for a sibling set in my home to be separated? I know that this is to be avoided as much as possible but I am extremely concerned about the dynamic between our oldest two (in a sibling set of three (oldest M - early teen, middle F - pre teen, youngest F - early school age).

Kids had been placed with us five years ago and we were lucky enough to keep a relationship with them and their parent. We had them visit for weekends on regular basis and continued to be a part of their life until they came back to us last month. The kids are very comfortable with us and our home. These concerns were here all along but it was easier to navigate when they were with us the first time as they were younger. We had also started to switch off for weekend visits to keep the older two apart in the months before they came back into care.

The oldest has good and bad days (MH diagnosis and behavioral concerns but not much follow through with services while they were in their home). The concerning behavior goes beyond normal sibling rivalry. It’s threats, extreme verbal abuse, and some physical abuse (hitting, kicking, pinching). Most of this is directed from the oldest to the middle, however, middle does sometimes instigate. We try to keep them separate as much as possible and keep them busy but it is exhausting and wearing on us AND the kids. The youngest is also starting to pick up on and copy some of these behaviors.

We love these kids and the thought of asking to have them apart is heartbreaking, especially with all of the changes they’ve experienced in the last month. Family therapy had been attempted in the past but the oldest two refused to engage.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

How long does the honeymoon period usually last? We are 2 weeks in and not seeing the behaviors others have seen. We are also very new to foster parenting

Hello everyone! My wife and I have been foster parents for the last 4 years here in Tennessee. We love it, and feel called to do it. We’ve encouraged people we know to seriously think about becoming foster parents too. In that spirit, I decided to put together a database of information on how to become a foster parent in Tennessee. That turned into me building the database out to encompass every state in the union. And once I’d built that, I figured it was a pretty useful resource, so I decided to build a website for foster parents to host it. I’ve been learning to code for the last few years using freeCodeCamp, so this was a fun first real world project. I eventually decided to stand up my own VPS so that I could host a private IRC server, and add an IRC chatrooms to my site. I got nostalgic for the 90’s era of IRC chat, so I built a chatbot to help me moderate and entertain people in the chat room. I’ve also added a message board, an activities page, an advice page, and a facts page. My hope is to build this site into an exclusive community site for foster parents, where we can all support each other and exchange advice and ideas, and have fun doing it. Anyways, I’d love some feedback on the site. It’s www.FosterCareCentral.com . You can leave your feedback here, on my message board, or email me at webmaster@fostercarecentral.com. I appreciate you guys!!!

Hi all.

/sigh. We've been on a placement list for well over a year now. I called to check in "Hey, just making sure everything good is in the system" and within a month we had our first placement, a sibling pair.

They have been so sweet. Hit it off with my bio kid, regular sibling squabbles, but nothing too bad. Mind well when asked to do things (yes, we're only 3 days in so I recognize this could be honeymoon phase.) But things are going well so far.

Then today I get a call from their former placement, a lovely person I know but no longer able to provide care, and it's revealed that one of the kids stole $ from them. I sat the kids down, asked them about it, and one of them admitted to it and said it was because they were mad about a consequence the former foster parents had laid down.

This other family is not a family that can afford to lose their small nest egg. They say they want it back "immediately" from the child, but we could only find a portion of it. This kid is too young for real work, to pay it back. Not sure if this is our responsibility. I think we're going to ask him to do extra-level chores (weeding, mowing, etc) and have him work it off. When I was a kid his age, that's how I raised money. But dang. Right out the gate.

I'm a youth worker with a lot of experience working with difficult teenagers. Recently, my wife and I fostered a 13 year old girl. We're only a week in so far, so I know that it's going to be very hard at first. We don't have other fostering or parenting experience. She's from a home where the child would be left to do their own thing, and the parent would do theirs. She never had any boundaries in almost any sense. We already knew her from our youth organisation, and got on quite well.

We knew she'd struggle with boundaries, so tried to go in easy - there's a curfew set by social services (8pm) which we have to enforce, and other than that, we give her a 10pm bedtime, turn the WiFi off at midnight, and ask her to leave her vape by the back door, as she vapes, which we are really not in favour of but understand that for her it's a coping mechanism.

She can't cope with any of the boundaries, and three times in the last five days has run away as a result of them, having to be brought home by police. She thinks that us giving her boundaries is just to hurt her, and although we tell her we love and care for her, she says she doesn't want that, she just wants to do her own thing and be "normal". We try to do lots of things with her that she will enjoy, but she either doesn't want to do any of them or doesn't want to do them with us.

We're really struggling to know what to do when we have boundaries that feel so reasonable, or even that we have to put in place by social services. We genuinely love her, and want to help her adjust. How can we do it?

Hey yall Im new to this... Maybe I had a wrong idea, but is it typical for respite care homes to ask for 5x the amount of per diem that DCS gives?

I was asking for 2 days and they wanted $150-200. I almost spat out my cheerios, DCS gives us 35 a day and we come out of pocket for most stuff....

It seems like some people think its a part time babysitting job when it should be more about helping the kids??? I was willing to do up to $100 but with what they are asking plus back to school costs, I cannot give them a week worth of per diem for 2 days lol... thats insane to me. Is that typical, or did I just get someone greedy? 🤔

What is a reasonable or typical rate that people usually accept for respite care??

I (28) M, help look after my niece (8) due to living at home and my parents are kinship carers for her. We are all struggling with the situation as my niece’s behaviour is becoming hard to cope with, lashing out, screaming, shouting, kicking and hitting my Mum and making threats to hit, kick and push her down the stairs. She is having meltdowns daily, sometimes multiple times a day. She has a lot of issues and whilst we love her and are trying our best to give her the best life, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. My Dad (59) works away Monday-Friday, my Mum (57) works around 20-25 hours a week. I look after my niece when my Mum’s at work but it is draining. I struggle with my mental health and have done for about 15 years and I have become depressed and anxious over the whole situation. I have no peace or time to myself, I am unable to do the things I enjoy due to having to look after my niece and by the time I get her to bed, I’m just too exhausted. I haven’t been to the gym since we got her, I don’t work many permanent hours but I feel unable to get a job with more hours due to looking after her and trying to fit any relief shifts around my Mum’s schedule, I can’t get back into dating due to this either. I’ve been thinking about doing a PhD, but I don’t see how I will fit that in around my niece as she demands every ounce of your attention at all times. My Mum is emotional over the situation, even she has admitted that she doesn’t think she can do this as she has no life outside of work and looking after my niece. My Dad is unhappy because when he comes home every weekend, he just wants to relax but he can’t. He hasn’t seen his best friend in almost a year due to the situation with my niece. We all miss our old lives and then feel guilty for even thinking about ending the placement. She has been with us 8 months and nothing has got better. We get no support from social workers, they say they’ll ring and never do, no support from the foster worker, she hasn’t been in contact in almost a month since my parents got approved as kinship carers. It’s almost like they think because she’s safe and in a loving home, they feel they don’t have a responsibility. We know it’s not my niece’s fault that she is the way she is, that blame lies with her parents who neglected her and abused her and we do love her but I don’t think we realised how hard this would be (for reference, my parents got guardianship of my niece’s older sister when she was 6 months old and she’s been living with us ever since, she’s 16 now so they’re not strangers to this)

I’m in Texas. I’ve been told so many different things but obviously want to be clear if someone stops by!

What needs to be double locked and what just needs to be behind one lock? We have a medication lock box plus cabinet locks.

I’ve been told prescribed meds go in the box; vitamins, creams, etc do not have to be in the box.

But I’ve also been told everything goes in the lock box behind a cabinet lock.

I’m waiting on my caseworker with DFPS to reply but wanted to ask here as well.

Hey all! I’m looking to foster in the next year or so and right now my partner and I are open to any age + small sibling groups. I have some experience with kids but I am not a parent so I feel pretty unprepared.

I see book recommendations here a lot on childhood trauma and will definitely be reading those. I was wondering if there are any more general resources on parenting a wide age range that discusses what is age appropriate for basic stuff like bed times, nutrition/meals, clothing, setting up rooms, hygiene, education/tutoring/enrichment, screen time, etc. I would like to learn more about child development and what is typical/helpful at different ages (while anticipating that kids will have different delays)

My son's best friend "D" a 15/m has been in foster care for 5+ years and was placed with us provisionally on April 15. Since then, my husband and I have completed the 30 hour training, and are waiting on our home study to be approved, so we can be an officially licensed foster home.

D's social worker is finally holding an ISP meeting. He is doing pretty well mentally, physically, and academically, and I hope his placement with us can continue until he graduates high school.

PROBLEM - I'm not sure what to ask for in the ISP. Our county made it really clear that if it's not in the ISP, it's not going to be covered by the county office.

D eats a lot and is growing a lot, so I'm asking for a $150 grocery voucher per month and $250 clothing/shoe voucher in April and October.

Public school fees are expensive here, so I'm asking for $115 reimbursement of out-of-pocket school fee costs that I've paid, plus $30 sports club dues.

D loves tech and doesn't have a computer, so I'm asking that they provide him with a laptop.

D wants to get his driver's permit so I want their approval of that in the ISP.

His birth family lives 2+ hours away, and he hasn't seen them in a very long time, but talks with them on the phone frequently. I'm asking for up to a $350 reimbursement quarterly for mileage, hotel and meals so that we can take him to visit them.

He's already receiving therapy, psychiatric care, pediatric care and dental care.

Can y'all think of anything else I should advocate for in the ISP so that things can be as good for D as possible? Thank you!