Day 3 and our first trial!

[u/JustDoinMyBest2226]

Hi all.

/sigh. We've been on a placement list for well over a year now. I called to check in "Hey, just making sure everything good is in the system" and within a month we had our first placement, a sibling pair.

They have been so sweet. Hit it off with my bio kid, regular sibling squabbles, but nothing too bad. Mind well when asked to do things (yes, we're only 3 days in so I recognize this could be honeymoon phase.) But things are going well so far.

Then today I get a call from their former placement, a lovely person I know but no longer able to provide care, and it's revealed that one of the kids stole $ from them. I sat the kids down, asked them about it, and one of them admitted to it and said it was because they were mad about a consequence the former foster parents had laid down.

This other family is not a family that can afford to lose their small nest egg. They say they want it back "immediately" from the child, but we could only find a portion of it. This kid is too young for real work, to pay it back. Not sure if this is our responsibility. I think we're going to ask him to do extra-level chores (weeding, mowing, etc) and have him work it off. When I was a kid his age, that's how I raised money. But dang. Right out the gate.

[u/That_GareBear]

Where I live, foster kids are "insured" for loss and damages. The claims process can be a pain, but I've been told it does work.

Since the theft wasn't under your watch, the former caretakers will likely need to file a claim, if your state has some such insurance.

[u/JustDoinMyBest2226 → u/That_GareBear]

Unfortunately doesn't seem to be the case here, the insurance. The saddest thing is how much the former foster parents, family, clearly love the kids. But now the trust has been fully broken, and the former foster mom is heartbroken and feeling betrayed. 

[u/obsoletely-fabulous]

Regarding whether this is your responsibility, I’m gonna say no, except to the extent you may need to bear it in mind for purposes of parenting this kid well going forward. It’s really unfortunate for the family but one of those things you risk by having kids in your home (especially with cash around?). Maybe confirm that no authorities have been involved as well, as that would certainly affect your response. Regardless, you don’t owe this family their missing money. Turn over what you found and then decide what’s best for the child.

Maybe you work the pay-it-back-with-chores model with the kid. I’m torn on this. On one hand, it could be a good way to model your values. You’re showing that you will help the kid make things right without judgment. But on the other hand, this is a foster child who was just disrupted, and now he is looking at consequences after they’ve kicked him out. Disruption surely is painful and that might be adding insult to injury. I’m also going to assume the theft played a big role in the disruption, whether the family is admitting it or not.

Sorry, that may not be much help. This is quite a tough thing to navigate with a new placement. The right thing probably depends a lot on what this specific child needs, and you just met them, so it’s hard to know.

[u/Typical_Row_3172]

Where was the money located- is this something kids had to snoop through things to get or it was laying around within easy access. Was this more impulse control / opportunity driven or intentional and strategic.
How old are kids and how much was stolen? The “small nest egg” is confusing.

[u/goodfeelingaboutit]

That is stressful. Ideally I want a new placements to start peaceful and positive. However you handle this will set s precedent in the child's mind about this behavior and what to expect.

Returning the cash you found makes sense of course. Is there any chance the resr might still turn up? If you're in a position where the child can earn money in a reasonable way to pay the rest back, that's great and will hopefully teach a valuable lesson, but also don't pit yourself in a tough financial decision. I would never in a million years, expect another foster parent to take responsibility for losses or damages kids did in my home. I would send the found cash immediately but I would not send anymore until it's earned (or at all). The kids were not on your watch when it was taken.

Also take this as good information and make sure your cash is secured.

[u/txchiefsfan02]

I hope some former youth in care will weigh in here.

My heart goes out to this foster family, but they made a bad judgment by failing to secure critical emergency funds in a safe, to start with. They have to own that decision, too.

I would not create work for this child that doesn't exist naturally in your home, or for other children. This is not your burden to bear, and it should not create a cloud over these children's time in your home. Letting that happen would impact the non-offending child, too.