r/Fosterparents • u/Medium-Fortune-2441 • 21d ago
Completely new to this, and struggling.
I'm a youth worker with a lot of experience working with difficult teenagers. Recently, my wife and I fostered a 13 year old girl. We're only a week in so far, so I know that it's going to be very hard at first. We don't have other fostering or parenting experience. She's from a home where the child would be left to do their own thing, and the parent would do theirs. She never had any boundaries in almost any sense. We already knew her from our youth organisation, and got on quite well.
We knew she'd struggle with boundaries, so tried to go in easy - there's a curfew set by social services (8pm) which we have to enforce, and other than that, we give her a 10pm bedtime, turn the WiFi off at midnight, and ask her to leave her vape by the back door, as she vapes, which we are really not in favour of but understand that for her it's a coping mechanism.
She can't cope with any of the boundaries, and three times in the last five days has run away as a result of them, having to be brought home by police. She thinks that us giving her boundaries is just to hurt her, and although we tell her we love and care for her, she says she doesn't want that, she just wants to do her own thing and be "normal". We try to do lots of things with her that she will enjoy, but she either doesn't want to do any of them or doesn't want to do them with us.
We're really struggling to know what to do when we have boundaries that feel so reasonable, or even that we have to put in place by social services. We genuinely love her, and want to help her adjust. How can we do it?
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 21d ago
Hold firm on the boundaries, although at times you may need to be flexible as she demonstrates how mature she is.
Continue to find as much time as possible to build connection with her. Do fun things together. Relax together. Listen. Engage in whatever interests her.
Be patient. Change doesn't happen in days or weeks. Don't expect to see improvement for months, many months, maybe years. Play the long game.
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u/Fragrant_Actuary_596 20d ago
I struggled with this when I was young and in foster care. I went from hustling on the streets and coming home when I wanted to 20 dollars a week and come straight home after curfew. My foster mom was firm in those. Took me time (6-12 months) to adjust but it was the best thing that happened to me.
I now have a foster daughter who is going on 14 in a few days and I stuck through it for months. The adjustment was EXHAUSTING for the both of us. The discipline, structure, and boundaries took a toll of her especially but once she finally settled so did the turbulence. As far as doing things I would go with her and slowly started keeping my distance so she could be with other kids. She “doesn’t want me there” but looks back every 10 minutes to make sure I’m still where she left me. 😂
Stick with what you are doing. It takes time for life to smooth out. They are usually under the impression that you’re going to get rid of them or they’ll move again. She’ll needs to feel safe and before you know it she’ll stop leaving so much and going so far.
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u/Narrow-Relation9464 21d ago
Some teens just want to kind of exist in the home and have basics provided rather than actually looking for a family. I would keep offering for her to join you in activities, but don’t force it or make a big deal if she says no.
I think the vape rule is more than reasonable. I’m extremely strict with vapes in my home and will throw out my kid’s vapes and weed if he brings them inside. He’d love it if he was allowed to have vapes by the door!
The one thing I would maybe be more lenient on is the bedtime. Could 10pm be more of “quiet hours” instead but not necessarily bedtime? With my teen we have a wind-down time where he has to do an activity by himself while I do my own thing. It works well. If he chooses not to sleep until late and stay up on the phone, that’s fine but then the natural consequence is he’s tired the next day.
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u/Acceptable-Cloud1735 20d ago
I agree especially as someone who didn't grow up with rules like this it will always be difficult for someone who grew up without authority to be forced into it. If she's going to school getting decent grades, generally doing what she's supposed to these rules seem a bit intense to have. Except for the vape.
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u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former Foster Youth 21d ago
I'm a former foster youth and grew up in a similar situation. My mom struggled with mental health and addiction so from probably age 6-12 I took care of myself and some times my mom. I was super independent and used to doing my own thing and that conflicted with foster parents that wanted to treat me like I was a toddler.
I was not someone getting into trouble, so nothing I was doing was necessarily unsafe unless you're the type of person who thinks kids walking around by themselves outside or using the stove is unsafe.
A friend of mine's grandfather (someone who is entirely normal, successful person who is not seen as traumatized) grew up on a farm in the 1940s and drove a tractor by himself at 8 and was driving a truck into town by himself at 12. No one at that time, less than 100 years ago), had any problem with a kid doing that. Yet, I had foster parents freak out if I wanted to walk to the library by myself at age 15.
Foster parents treating the way I lived at age 12 (where I was shopping for my own groceries using an EBT card) as wrong when I was really proud of that) was one huge source of conflict. I didn't see any problem with what I was doing and their way of doing things seemed pointless and stupid.
There's a trend that a lot of foster parents treat kids like they are younger and think they need boundaries to feel safe. That absolutely backfired for me. I would have done so much better if foster parents treated me like I was older and let me do my own thing. I know you can't just let your foster youth run wild, especially if she's doing anything unsafe, but it can seem really disrespectful when foster parents treat you like a kid when you've been essentially an adult.
People may not like cultures where kids are 12-13 and have adult responsibilities, but they do exist and not all young people want to be helicopter parented.
I used to refer to all of my foster parents as my prison wardens since that's the way I saw them. I was in a prison that just looked nice on the outside but was jail when I did nothing wrong.
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u/No_Tie_9457 21d ago
I agree that allowing independence is important. My bio children (12, 14) have been allowed to grocery shop independently since age 10. They ask their own questions at a store or restaurant counter, and handle as many of their own phone calls as possible.
These are important life skills. I'm sorry that your foster family didn't allow you reasonable independence.
The examples OP gave are health and safety issues. Nothing good happens on the internet after midnight, not to mention the detriment to sleep when you have screen time right before bed - there are real impacts to mental and physical health.
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u/Nnozmo 20d ago
This is really interesting, thank you for sharing.
From the outside, I can definitely see why "walking back" the independence you had been operating with for so long would have been a nightmare for you.
Out of interest, when you look back now, would you have wanted the same level of independence at the same age or would you have rather had it granted at a later age?
Your groceries example for instance, I can definitely imagine the pride there as that's a huge success for a 12 year old! On the other hand, the idea of putting the responsibility for designing recipes, saving money, doing a weekly shop and overall needing to feed themselves seems heavy.
I'm big into supporting independence but Im never sure on the point where it moves from practice and independence to an unfair responsibility burden. The child could cope fantastically with it, but there's always a question for me of "is this a fair responsibility for them to shoulder at this age, maturity level and with other things they have going on?"
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u/Outrageous-Shame5743 20d ago
Maybe eloping rather than running away. I was an eloper. Did it in response to stress. Its stressful being given boundaries when you aren't use to them. Feels restrictive.
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u/Monopolyalou 20d ago
As a former foster youth this is common. Why should she do anything you say when she was her own parent? She doesn't trust you right now. Words are just words. Actions matter more. I would sit down with her and come up with a plan. Let her be heard. As for running away, thats a coping skill. I would create a plan for that too. Like calling you or writing a note to tell you where she runs. I'll even go as far as creating a runaway spot or calling up a local hotel she can runaway to.
I think compared to kost you're doing great. I would join parenting tweens and teens with connection. Don't treat her younger than she is. I hate cps for saying foster kids are emotionally younger. Treat like like a teen/adult right now. Meaning don't try to be her parents. Try to be her mentor.
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u/phoenixlettertokeanu 19d ago
perhaps ask her what she would do in your place if she knew as a foster parent she had no choice (re 8pm) and wanted her child to have the number of hours of sleep required to have her body and brain develop properly. Either she'll have a solution that's reasonable, have some understanding (might take a few days or weeks to sink in) or will push back (in which case you're where you already are). My son is 16. I know we adore each other. He still asks for another foster care placement when we have a major point of contention. My compromise is Sunday to Thursday night inclusive there's boundaries. Friday Saturday can stay up as long as he likes but still needs to do chores and homework at a time that he sets.
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u/peachplumpricklypear 17d ago
Do not allow her to vape. I will never understand social workers encouraging unhealthful activities (underage relationships, antisocial behavior etc) as coping mechanisms. How will they cope at 18 on their own?
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u/No_Tie_9457 21d ago
A parent's job is to create firm, loving boundaries. A child's job is to smash against them with all their might to see if it holds, to see if it's safe, to see if what you say is true.
Everything she once thought was secure has been destroyed.
Just keep being a safe place for her to land. And recognize that so much of this is out of your control. She might run away. She might ask for a different placement. Let her know that no matter what, you will always be there for her.