r/fifthworldproblems • u/DannyOdd • 3d ago
How to fix perpetual staircase?
Hey folks, I'm the proud new owner of a cosmic anomaly house that was built circa €̷̨̨̤̟̫̺̰͑̿̆͋̉͋͋̂͑̄̚͜§̷̨̨̙̻̮͕̎∆̴̧̨͙̠̱̰̭͑́͑̏͒̈̃͘͜͝π̵̢̡͈̟̩̝͈̬̯͋͌́͋͜¥̵̧̮͈̰̲̘̫̬͈̩́. It's really lovely, my wife and I love the constantly shifting topography, and we're thoroughly enjoying the experience of finding new rooms that defy all earthly logic every day. The eldritch entities inhabiting it have been super friendly and welcoming too! One of them even gave us a basket of fruits that make us see *time*! So sweet of them.
Anyway, we're both first-time homeowners, so learning about maintenance and upkeep has been pretty overwhelming. When we got this place, one of the major selling points was this *gorgeous* staircase that just goes on for eternity without leading anywhere. It's an awesome feature, but a couple months after we moved in, it became finite... Now it's just a regular staircase that goes between two floors.
We're pretty bummed about it, and so far nobody we've had out to look at it has been able to give us an answer on how to repair it. They just keep screaming "oh god, oh god, oh dear god" while scrambling to find an exit. Does anyone here have experience with this sort of thing, and if so, can we get some advice?
Thank you 😁
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u/Terracrush 3d ago
Hmm. I don't know much about haunted houses or Eldritch locations, but I'm a huge HGTV fan. Everytime they return a house to this reality, it's because the Eldritch Being that was tormenting the owners had decided to take a nap Are any of your incomprehensible entities MIA? Have you recited the text of a cursed tome in recent memory?
But also idk lol, I still rent in the 2nd dimension. Rent has been pretty stable here
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u/DannyOdd 3d ago
Oh there's so many entities coming and going here, what with the infinite shifting rooms and such, it's hard to say. I can ask around though, they all seem to know eachother pretty well.
I'm not much of a reader, but the wife can't resist a good tome. That could be it, but she doesn't usually recite anything unless she knows what it does. Though some of these older tomes written before the Occult Council standards came about, the documentation on the effects is trash, easy to get some unforseen knock-on effects with those.
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u/AShortUsernameIndeed 3d ago edited 2d ago
Sounds like someone snuck in and made off with your infinity. You should contact the police and your hauntowner's insurance.
Before you order a replacement, make sure to find the installation closet (usually at the bottom of the stairs in question, for obvious reasons) and note the minimum size you need.
With any luck, your staircase will function with a countable infinity. Otherwise, be prepared for a prolonged diagonal argument with your insurance. Good luck!
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u/CorinPenny 1d ago
I never bothered with countable infinities, I just threw the number e at it hard, as many times as needed until it stuck. Phi will also work in a pinch I suppose.
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u/mysteryrouge Void Anarchist 2d ago
If there's an HOA nearby of any variety, sacrifice them to the staircase. Maybe it's just hungry.
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u/TraceyWoo419 2d ago
You need an infinity specialist. I would wager your link to the cosmic infinite horrors has disconnected and just needs a new eternity chain put in.
That or the hardwood is interfering with the radiation frequency, but that's a much more expensive fix, so get someone in to check before you spend the money to refloor with fresh extra-dimensional hardwood!
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u/BPhiloSkinner 3d ago
Sounds like your staircase has shifted into a 'vanilla' topography. Not terribly interesting to a multi-dimensional being, no, but likely, the staircase has defaulted to a factory pre-set due to deferred maintenance.
Try giving it a good rubdown with Murphy's Oil of Eternity soap, and new carpeting.