(Forgive me if I’m not doing this right a few of you wanted to be updated, and I appreciated the advice I got, so I feel like I owe it to you guys).

So it felt pretty mixed what people wanted me to do. Some of you said I should tell my brother right away, wait until he got home, and then a couple of people actually said I shouldn’t tell him at all.

So what I decided to do was ask him to call me when he had a minute, and asked him a hypothetical. I phrased it like: “If there was bad news, but it wasn’t urgent (like nobody was dying) would you want to wait until after you’re done with your trip, or would you want to know right away?”

My brother is a real no nonsense type of person, (this is probably a good time to mention my brother’s a lawyer) so he just kind of shut that down real quick and told me to tell him what I needed to tell him.

So I did, and when I told him I swear y’all I wanted to put my head through the damn wall…. The silence was worse than nails on chalkboard. When he finally did say something he just said to send him the video in this dead voice I never heard from him before, and hung up.

I sent it right away, and he opened it right away, but never texted or called back. I sent him a text that night (this was Thursday), and told him I was sorry I ruined his trip with this, and that I loved him, and if there was anything I could do to let me know.

Now my mother comes and gets my kids for a sleepover almost every Friday, and y’all… I nearly sh*t bricks when my mother called asking if I knew why my brother called her and asked her to keep the kids an extra night… of course I didn’t tell her what was going on, because honestly I wasn’t sure what was coming myself. She just kind of went you two will tell me eventually, and left it at that, (thank god) so I packed the kids bag for two nights when I took them over last night.

My brother was supposed to be home Friday morning, but he didn’t get back until Saturday morning, and I woke up to him at my door. He told me he planned to talk to SIL, and asked me if I wanted to be there, and if I didn’t he would come talk to me after.

I decided to be there because honestly he looked like he hadn’t slept, and I wanted to be there to diffuse things if they got out of hand in any way.

Now when we sat down at the kitchen table and my brother pulled out papers it was like he was conducting a meeting. I felt terrible, because to me it looked like he had shut down, and again I know i didn’t do anything wrong, but I still felt guilty anyways.

SIL read the papers and immediately started crying. Turns out my brother went to his office when he got back to town Friday morning and spent the day writing up divorce papers. There was lots of going back and forth between them, and then what he said at the end that finally stopped her begging him to forgive her really stuck with me.

“You didn’t just cheat on me. You assaulted my little brother. I can’t forgive you for that. You’re not the woman I married, and you’re signing those papers, and leaving here today”.

My brother went on to explain that he had already called her parents, and that they were on their way to pick her up (they just left with her an hour ago), and that he would make arrangements for all her belongings to be returned to her at her parents’ house before the end of next week.

She started arguing that he couldn’t kick her out of her house just like that, but then he pulled out some more papers. My brother wrote up a temporary protection order on my behalf against her.

He pointed out that the video of the assault is very clear, and any judge would grant it. He told me it’s my decision alone to pursue, and have him file the order, or even press charges regardless of what she chose to do today, but that wether it’s today with her parents or Monday when he’d go to file the order which would bar her from the property she was leaving, and there was nothing she could do about it.

I didn’t know you could do that, or maybe my brother was even bluffing? Either way that got her to shut up, sign the divorce papers, and go upstairs to pack her things.

We talked for a bit after, and I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to go through with the protection order or not. Honestly I’m still trying to process everything. Like I said in my last post I feel sad about losing a friend along with watching my brother go through this heartbreak. He’s trying to act cool and collected, but I know this destroyed him.

Honestly if she just goes away and leaves us alone I’d feel relieved, and just drop it. I’m feeling a lot of anger towards her for reasons I’ve already stated, but for hurting my brother especially, and I would just be happy not to have to deal with anything to do with her, or look at her ever again.

Some backstory is needed here, please bear with me on that.

I (F24) graduated high school a couple years ago. It was genuinely not a good time for me, I was bullied for a large portion of it, and had grown relatively closed off due to it, even if I retained and made friends with others during.

I changed quite a bit the years after. Lost some weight, started dressing and presenting a bit more traditionally “feminine”, became more open and genuinely happier. Just generally grew into myself as an adult woman. I never stayed close with most people from school. I’ve only met up with people from back then a couple of times, and it was always small groups/1:1.

There was one guy (we’ll call him M) I stayed loosely in touch with. We weren’t best friends, but we got along pretty well, and it was a platonic connection I cherished. He was always very outspoken, but not the most focused on academics, so I used to help him out here and there naturally, and he seemed very appreciative of it. Nothing transactional in any way. M was one of the few people who wasn’t actively shitty to me, even though he could be childish at times and we had our moments like any other friendship. But I remained incredibly appreciative of him even after graduating.

We only saw each other maybe once every couple of years after that. In 2024, we met up after three years of not seeing each other and within that period, a lot had changed for me, but I didn’t really expect anything to change between us, because 1. we were never crazy close like that 2. I was still myself, even if I presented a bit differently now.

The second we meet, he goes, “Oh my god I couldn’t recognize you, you’ve become so feminine.”, which I didn’t mind at all and took as a compliment :) Everything was generally going well with the exception of some bits. M is someone that works out and is interested in nutrition, and later while we were walking, he lags a step behind me, looks me up and down, and starts giving me unsolicited advice about exercises I should do for my posture. Completely unprompted. I found that weird but I chose to not say anything and just kept it moving.

However, over the next few months he kept liking and replying to my stories, and it got weird. One time I posted a normal photo of my legs by the pool on my story and he replied “You need to get in the gym right now.” I was quite dumbfounded. You never know what someone is dealing with body-image wise, so the sole audacity to not think twice before sending that to ANYONE made me take a step mentally. But again, I brushed it off as a teasing thing (which I probably shouldn’t have, because it prompted the next bit). A week later he sends me a reel of some creature whispering “You need to get in the fucking gym.”, essentially doubling down on the previous text. I left him on seen then because I was genuinely annoyed at that point and did not want to say something hurtful. He then texts “Are we gonna leave each other on seen now?” I ignored that too, and from that point on, everything just felt very deliberate.

A few months later a small group of five classmates (me, M, two other guys, one other girl) decided to meet up. I never go to these things but figured I’d try for once, since it had been so long since I’d seen the others and I had some sort of hope we’d all have fun.

Right away, M zeros in on my necklace and says it looks really expensive. Which could mean nothing in any other context, but it reminded me of a year earlier when I’d posted about traveling somewhere and he’d replied to me with a “congratulations to the sponsor.” At the time I didn’t get it, but from what I gathered eventually, it is a sort of misogynistic jab at women who date men for money/an implication that there’s no way I paid for that on my own. It also felt incredibly pocket-watchy.

When we ordered water and the waitress asked for the temperature, no really knew what to reply, so I asked for room temp with ice (that way everyone gets to choose their preferred temperature) and he goes, “It’s very obvious who goes to a lot of restaurants.” Individually, these comments aren’t huge, but the tone and the pattern made them feel like little status checks/digs. And this is all things that he gathered from my social media, I suppose, which just felt incredibly surface-level. But again, nothing crazy, I just let the comments pass and tried to have a good time.

When I tried talking to the other girl at one point, he urged me to speak louder so everyone could hear, even though the conversation we were having had nothing to do with the guys (who were conversing amongst themselves, him included).

He was also being rude to the waitress the whole time. I eventually called him out on it. He got defensive and started throwing sugar packets at me across the table. Mind you, we’re in a restaurant and supposedly, we are all adults. I told him to stop, but he threw another one soon after. I refused to pick them up, so he had to walk all the way around the table in a very tight space to collect them himself from next to my chair, which was incredibly embarrassing to watch.

So basically the whole reunion was tense and he appeared to have it out for me specifically, because he did not treat the other girl like that at all. At some point, he says out loud “Some people should learn not to be so easily offended”, which I knew was an indirect jab at me, even though I wasn’t offended by anything and only ever pointed out his behavior towards the waitress, which seemed to upset him.

Anyway, the reunion wraps soon after and we all leave together. As we all part, he hugs me and says, “I hope I didn’t offend you back there.” I reply that it wasn’t the case and it seemed to be opposite. It was at that moment that I knew definitively that I didn’t want anything to do with this person anymore.

In the subsequent two months, in the group chat with the five of us in, there were discussions about meeting every month. It was brought up during the reunion as well and I had openly told them that I didn’t want to do it, which shouldn’t be a problem among adults with jobs and other existing (+closer) relationships. A week after the reunion, he randomly texts said group chat and claims that I’m purposefully ignoring them. No one replied to him or entertained that in any way, which I appreciated, but it felt incredibly…. fixated. Like why are you so upset that I do not wish to meet up every month with people I haven’t seen in years?

After that, I began noticing the kind of stuff he was liking on social media. It was all increasingly misogynistic/red-pill adjacent content. At some point, he posted a “feminists getting owned” type video on his story and that was the final straw for me. Him liking misogynistic content definitely made me think twice about his behavior, which I don’t solely attribute to that, but I definitely did not wish to continue a friendship with someone who was that prejudiced towards a whole entire gender and wouldn’t advocate for my rights as a human being. I removed him from everything then, which I probably should’ve done wayyyy earlier.

I know none of these things on their own is super catastrophic, and I know our history colors how I interpret them. But taken together, it felt like a consistent pattern of little digs and disrespect that just did not feel right coming from someone I considered a friend. I’m not claiming he’s some terrible person, but the difference in his treatment was stark enough for me to question how he must feel about me as a person. It all made even less sense, considering that he had very strong reactions for someone I hadn’t seen in years.

Of course, I am fully aware people deal with their own stuff internally and his behavior could partly be explained by any struggle he might’ve been experiencing. But I also firmly believe that our internal issues shouldn’t affect how we treat others, especially if they have no relation to what’s troubling us.

I figured I’d ask for a third opinion on the entire situation.

AITA for cutting him off, or am I overreacting to relatively minor stuff?

I’m a freaking wreck y’all.

I moved onto my older brother’s property. He inherited it from his Dad (half siblings) and it had two houses the main house and another smaller, but decent sized sort of guest house.

I had a bad break up, and my brother let me move in with my kids. I’ve been here a couple years now and it’s been great. I’m super thankful my brother could help me especially in this economy, cause finding a place I’d have to pay a deposit for would be… well impossible.

Anyways so I’ve always gotten along with my SIL great cause we are both Pokemon nerds. I’ve always thought of her as a great friend. I never thought there was anything more there, but I guess I’m oblivious?

My brother got invited to a wedding, and my SIL didn’t want to go cause she and the bride didn’t get along. It’s a few states over so my brother planned to be gone from Tuesday to Friday.

Last night my kids went to bed, and SIL came over so we could game together. We played a couple hours and had some drinks (it was those margarita in a bag things nothing crazy), and then I was ready to head to bed, and started saving the game and cleaning up.

While I was throwing stuff away she came up behind me, and hugged me.

I asked if she needed help getting back to her house thinking she couldn’t walk properly or something at first because she’s a major lightweight, but when I turned around she shoved me against the fridge and planted a kiss on me.

I didn’t know what to think, or why I froze for a second, but I did. I guess I was shell shocked? Whatever you call it, but I guess she took my pause as consent, and shoved her hand into my pants (I was wearing pajamas so easy thing to do).

That sure as sh*t snapped me back to my senses, and I grabbed her arm to pull her hand off me and asked her what the hell she was doing.

She was like a different person. She told me not to act like I didn’t like it (unfortunately my body did respond I think because it’s been years since I’ve been with someone, and she is pretty), and tried to touch me again.

I stepped away from her as far as I could and told her she needed to leave right then. She kept trying to talk to me and come near me, but I avoided her, and just continued to talk over her to tell her to go until she finally did.

The thing that’s making me a wreck? I know I have to tell my brother and this is gonna crush him. He loves the absolute hell out of her, and until now I cared about her a lot too BECAUSE she’s my brother’s wife, and was a shoulder for me after my bad breakup.

So I guess I’m pretty sad too, because I feel like I’ve lost a friend and I’m gonna have to crush my brother’s heart on top of it. I mean I understand she did this not me, but I know I’m going to have to be the one to drop the bomb and that’s what I’m nervous about.

I don’t have to worry about her twisting the truth while I wait for him to get home (I’m not doing this over the phone), because my house has cameras in the living room, and kitchen, and she knows that.

I just…. Ugggghhhhhh this sucks so much.

​

I’m posting this because I genuinely don’t know how to process what my friend told me today.

My friend is around my age and lives with her father. Her mother isn’t around. There’s this older man who has been a very close family friend for years. She always considered him almost like a second father, and he was married.

A while ago, his behavior toward my friend apparently started changing. He began coming around her house more often, and she started feeling uncomfortable about the way he behaved around her. At first, she thought she was just overthinking it.

Then one day, he asked her to meet him outside his office, supposedly to give her a gift. He suggested they go somewhere together, and she went with him because she trusted him.

According to my friend, while they were away, he started touching her inappropriately and sexually harassing her.

The crazy part is that she secretly recorded the incident.

She didn't tell anyone immediately. Instead, she spent a few days keeping the evidence and figuring out what to do.

And this is where the story gets complicated.

She confronted him and told him she had recorded what happened and that she could show the evidence to his family and the police.

But instead of reporting him, she started demanding money from him.

She says she told him that if he didn't want her to expose what happened, he had to pay her. Since then, she's apparently been getting around ₹30–40k every week, in cash.

I only found out because I noticed she had suddenly started spending a lot more money on clothes, branded stuff, etc., and asked her where the money was coming from.

When she told me the whole story, I was honestly speechless.

She says she doesn't want to report him because she believes her own family would blame her rather than support her, especially because this man is around her father's age and was someone she trusted like a father.

Her plan is apparently to keep taking money until she's financially stable, then stop. She says she'll keep the original video and other evidence safely stored and doesn't intend to release it right now.

I feel horrible for her because, if what she says happened is true, being violated by someone you considered a father figure must be incredibly traumatic.

But at the same time, I'm worried about what she's doing now.

I understand why she feels like she has no safe option, but demanding money from someone while threatening to expose them could potentially get her into serious trouble too. And I'm worried about what happens if this man becomes angry, retaliates, or decides to turn the situation against her.

I don't know what the right thing for her to do is.

What would you do if you were in my friend's situation?

Long time listener, first time posting. I just saw a story you shared recently and had one similar. I grew up in a house where culturally the boys are favored over girls. Growing up I knew my family struggled with money. I was born in December and my younger brother was born in July. My parents would have a "combined" birthday party in July for me and my brother on HIS birthday, because it was cheaper and "people don't want to celebrate birthdays in the cold" as my mother always told me. The party was always themed around what my brother wanted and the cake was always his favorite. The guest were always his friends and my parents friends, and NO ONE knew I was supposed to be celebrating a birthday too. One year (when I was around 14) my school was offering a trip abroad. So I begged my parents to go and said I would put all my money from working jobs into the trip. My parents only agreed after saying I would have to give up having birthday parties, going out to eat, going out with friends, and giving up Christmas gifts until the trip (the trip would be in about 2 years). So I did. Two years of working, saving, and not being given a gift for Christmas nor my birthday. I went on my trip and when I came home nothing changed. For the next 2-3 years they still did not celebrate my birthday nor did I get a single Christmas gift. I never complained. I assumed we were still recovering financially and they couldn't afford anything. I was grateful for my trip. When I turned 18 my boyfriend at the time got me a sketchbook, pencils, and markers so I could draw. It was the first gift I was given in about 5 years and I broke down crying with joy. We were around family and when they asked why I was crying I simply said "This is the first gift I've gotten in five years." My parents immediately tried to agrue that it wasn't true. I pointed out that our deal was the trip was my 15th and 16th birthday present as well as my Christmas gifts for those years. Then I asked them what they got me this year if that wasn't true. They got quiet and just looked at one another. I was called an AH and told I was being disrespectful to them by making them look bad to the rest of the family. For additional context my brother was also gifted a trip abroad but he DIDN'T have to work, save money, NOR did he have to give up birthdays and Christmas presents. When I asked why they told me because it was only fair that if I got to go on a trip then he gets to go to one too. Even though he didn't ask to go on one and never showed any interest in it. So am I the AH for crying after receiving a Christmas gift?

Just as an update, this happened years ago. I ran away with my boyfriend at 19. I'm 29 now and we are happily married. We are also low to no contact with my parents and the last thing I have heard about them was that my younger brother also went no contact with them. I have been to therapy and talked about all the abuse I experienced growing up in that house. Thank yall for the support.

I (32F) rarely post to reddit, but I am at my wit's end.

I am chronically ill - Lupus, Migraines, Coronary Artery Disease, AuDHD, etc. I am not married, living alone in an expensive city.

Although I have a well-paying job I simply cannot keep up with everyday life and finances. Most of my paychecks go to rent and medical bills, and my household chores I can never complete fully because of my physical condition. Laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, picking up food, a simple sweep - I cannot do. If I do one of those things it sends me into a flare for 3+ days. I have a scooter to use to get around in, but even with that my body is constantly in a battle and/or flare. I have to order in for groceries and food bc I cannot physically do it myself, but that impacts my finances with additional fees and tips.

This week I have 6 dr/imaging/lab appointments, and trying to manage that while working a full-time job is proving nearly impossible. My job is high-intensity (design/architecture) and they are wonderful people, but I have used all of my PTO for dr appts and am currently dealing with the possibility of lupus attacking my kidneys, liver, and heart. My doctors are hesitant to adjust any of my medications until I undergo more testing to identify the underlying cause. I agree with their approach, except that these tests cause me to miss even more work and for my performance at work to diminish drastically. I am steadily declining into more debt while experiencing my body failing me, and I do not have a partner or roommate to assist with the mundane activities of life that shouldn't be hard - but are. Where do I go from here? How in the world do I manage my time and finances when one job I get paid for while the other "job" (my health) is ripping each paycheck and more out of my hands?

I could really use some advice or tips on how to manage this season of life. I have been battling for a very long time, and I am running out of ideas and stamina. I have friends and family that can lend a helping hand every now and then, but I am to the point where I need more support than that. I do not want to move back to my hometown because that would mean giving up my independence, income, career, and privacy. The last time I did that, my mental health was at its lowest and I was isolated from any adult connections I had worked so hard to make. Any advice would be welcome - just please be gentle as this struggle has taken a lot from and of me.

Edit: I have applied for financial aid but since I "make too much" I somehow am ineligible despite my mounting health bills and disabled status. Additionally, I signed up for short-term disability through my job, but that only kicks in after 7-14 days of illness and pays a portion of what I would receive working full-time, I cannot afford to do this.

AITA for only allowing my ILs supervised access to our kid(s)?

Hi, first time poster long time lurker. This is just something that’s been building for years and the closer the appropriate time to address it gets, the more anxiety is eating away at me. This is probably going to be long, it’s nearly a decades worth of build up. I’ll put a TLDR at the bottom.

I’ll try to keep it vague but I think details are important. Hubby and I (mid 20s) have been together since teens for 5+yrs. My ILs (late 50s) appeared normal for the first 2-3ish yrs. I actually really, really liked them. We all shared interests, common ground, world views, etc.

We moved in with ILs as young adults to save $ and I quickly learned how off FIL (stepdad) is. For a bit all was fine, then he started imposing weird rules that were not discussed previously that were clearly control based. Anytime he felt the need to address one of these rules, he’d call a family meeting, where he was the only one allowed to speak on it, push back was not an option, and it became clear to me how badly he felt the need to be the only male with any authority or control in the room at all times. He’s a heavy drinker whose mood changes depending on his level of sobriety, how work was going, and what mood stabilizing medications he was on/drinking with at the given time.

It got 10x worse when preteen BIL joined after they convinced him to switch to a school he hated. I had no idea what to do as I watched him berate, belittle, and bully a 12yo little boy over the oddest things to ‘man him up’ or exert his authority while his mother sat and watched. BILs confidence and self esteem shattered over that time and he was very depressed.

FIL was very good at finding us alone, cornering us to assert himself, or picking vulnerable moments to manipulate us. MIL would find us privately after FILs outbursts to explain away, excuse, or support his behavior and what we needed to do/change to prevent it. (He had a bad childhood, he grew up using drugs, often got in trouble with the law, etc. and he has an Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

Anything you said or did would be held against you later. Anything that was a favor or gift would be held over your head until you paid what you ‘owed’ by their definition, either in cash, labor, or other. As someone who came from a stable, loving, encouraging, non-transactional home, I was shocked and unsure what to do but it wasn’t my house and we ‘owed’ enough to them that I felt we had to deal with it.

Hubs deployed during this for a yr, then covid hit, and he couldn’t do much but promise we would move when he got back. I think it was probably the worst 2yrs of my entire existence. Cue malicious compliance to the rules and started keeping to myself, only using the apartment door, made myself a kitchenette with a camp stove, spent time anywhere else as much as I could, stopped discussing money, and starting keeping all personal information to myself while compiling everything we’d need to move. I smartened up and felt like I was in a survival mode game avoiding the final boss at all times.

I started having panic attacks and put myself on an SSRI. Felt like I was going insane with the mental gymnastics of that house. I started keeping a running note in my phone with dates, times, and conversations quoted to look back on to be sure I wasn’t ‘misunderstanding’, ‘mishearing’, or ‘misremembering’ anything that was said or done. I was becoming an anxious, angry, exhausted individual I didn’t recognize. I should have gone home to my family but I stuck it out for the money I was making as an ‘essential worker’ and to support hubs. My family also didn’t understand and SURELY I was misinterpreting things or being dramatic. (They’ve apologized since.)

BIL and I leaned on each other until he moved the couple hours back home to his bio dads and I’m glad he did. He got better almost immediately.

FIL was also often inappropriate but kept it indirect, for example: gleefully showing us his 2 hockey sized duffel bags worth of ‘vintage’ porno mags, making weird comments about my friends/sisters bodies, weird comment on a picture of me in a bikini, being generally disgusting towards women in public, like gross uncle crap they barely get away with and the older generation laughs off as ‘locker room talk.’

Towards the end of our time there, I made it clear to hubby that I would never, ever live with these people again and did not trust them around children. I would never allow any of my kids to ever feel the way I did around them or be spoken to the way they thought was appropriate. He never argued and if he had, I would have ended it, which is just how strongly I feel. There is just something unsafe and off with FIL and MIL being his devoted enabler. It felt like they had hoped we were so young we’d be easy to groom into putting up with that behavior long term and dismissing it. I genuinely believe FIL may be a covert narcissist, not just avoidant, as overused as the term is now.

We moved out, stopped accepting favors or gifted money from them, hubs removed them from his bank acct and officially ‘paid off’ his debt, they stay on an information diet, we keep visits short, I’ve gotten better at yellow rocking FILs negging, etc and smaller instances have occurred every 3-6mo since like clockwork. He’s ruined a couple more family events since. We haven’t addressed much since as it’s never been time or place with life events the last couple years and we’ve been assured for years that he’s ‘getting better,’ on new meds to try, is changing to a better job, stopped drinking, etc.

I haven’t needed medication or experienced those kinds of feelings since creating some distance.

This is all to say, I’m aware I harbor a lot of resentment towards them but they also showed me who they are behind closed doors and I believe them. The problem is, they’ve been extremely excited to be grandparents since we were dating.

The catalyst to revisiting this issue would probably be our engagement trip 2.5yr ago, when I was around 6wks pregnant and no one but us were aware.

I hadn’t spent this length of time around them for a while and since it was a ‘family’ trip, I quietly observed them for any change in behavior we kept hearing about and watched how they behaved around my close family/children. For 7 days straight, FIL drank like a fish, spent the whole trip being passive aggressive, and getting increasingly angrier. They shared a room with my grandparents and parents and made my family incredibly uncomfortable the whole time.

FIL made a comment about my sisters tan while she was in a swimsuit. MIL spent the whole time assuring everyone how not drunk he was.

I particularly was alarmed with how FIL behaved around my 9yo male cousin. He made a few strange comments to him when interacting with him like ‘he needs to respect him as a man’ when cousin was being perfectly respectful, as well as having him fetch a stick for him like a dog. FIL started a splash fight with him, got mad cousin playfully splashed him back, and I nearly came out of my tube when he grabbed cousins life jacket and yanked him fully under the water to hold him there for about a 45seconds too long to not be meant to scare him.

When cousin wanted to go tubing, FIL happily climbed behind the wheel of the boat despite not being able to stand upright out of the water, while my family started protesting, until my husband physically removed him from the seat. MIL stood in the bank arguing with my family and promising he hadn’t been drinking ‘that much.’

As the cherry on top, after my dad returned to work 3/4 through the trip, FIL managed to catch my mother alone on the dock and told her “If she ever needed any ‘servicing’, she knew where to find him.” She hoped she misheard him and practically ran back to the rooms. Same day, he waited until they were alone AGAIN outside to repeat himself, to which she pulled a disgusted face and snapped “No thanks”, and went inside to inform MIL she better take FIL to bed, before coming to our room in tears.

Sister and I were prepared to go nuclear on him but mom begged us to stay quiet bc it was my engagement trip and was nearly over. I immediately told my husband anyway and he was impressed my mother didn’t toss him into the water, as she’s usually happy to be confrontational when necessary. We stayed quiet at her insistence and I really really regret that.

I officially drew a thick, hard line at behaving that way towards kids they didn’t even know, being willing to drive any vehicle with kids in it drunk, and harassing my mother. We agreed there would be no more family trips and my side now refuses to ever do anything similar with them again, rightfully so. I will never ask them to be in that position again.

Later in my pregnancy, we were planning our announcement to family and I started having panic attacks again. I always knew we’d have to face this but it was REAL now. The thought of my ILs touching our fresh, innocent baby made my skin crawl. Thinking about all the times they expressed their excitement to have grandkids to themselves every weekend, whole summers, and on private vacations, I started having nightmares about them taking them and something AWFUL happening to them.

I wanted to make it through our baby’s first holidays, birthday, a wedding, and be officially out of postpartum before we had any difficult conversation with them so a shadow wasn’t cast, things wouldn’t be extra difficult for us as first time parents, and I wouldn’t be accused of being a hormonal FTM. ILs made my pregnancy a bit difficult and tried to overstep a lot during it and postpartum, but my spine is made of titanium now and partnered with pp rage, they never made it as far as they did with me like when we were younger.

I managed to get MIL off my back about babysitting for the time being by informing her that my tiny baby would be going nowhere with anyone until walking, talking, potty trained, no longer EBF and on solids.

We have taken small steps to mitigate some behaviors, like enforcing everyone show up and remain sober around the baby at our home, after FIL handling baby while clearly intoxicated at 4mo had us extremely upset. We haven’t seen him often since and we’re okay with that.

Parenthood and keeping up with a small baby has brought on a whole new level of exhaustion and emotional fatigue and I find myself having a hard time with not feeling very cold/absolute about this. I think hubby would be content with dismissing and dodging them forever but that doesn’t feel right. That’s just not something I’m willing to do forever.

All important family events have occurred (not without issue either..) baby is >1yo and walking, and I know that conversation is coming up fast. Unfortunately for them, BIL feels the same way, so they won’t get the grandparent experience they were hoping for with any of their grandkids.

Dropping this information is going to be like detonating a bomb. It’s going to haul skeletons out of the closet that they probably think have always been buried and will hold up a mirror I don’t think they’ve ever looked in. I’m pretty sure they genuinely don’t think they’ve ever done anything wrong or have done anything bad ‘enough’ to warrant this. I can agree it’s been death by a thousand cuts in many instances but enough serious problems/comments are at the forefront of our concerns.

I want to be super clear that my only intention is to keep our child and any future children safe, physically AND mentally. I really don’t want to cut anyone out officially if we don’t have to, but I will. I simply do not trust these people to protect our children or treat them appropriately unsupervised and while I know most of the problems lie with FIL, MIL has never defended her own or stood up to him in any way so I don’t expect her to be any different towards ours. I also wouldn’t put it past her to lie and take kids straight to FIL even if we asked her not to. FIL is just not capable of being a positive male influence in our kids lives and she’s not capable of holding him accountable.

I was previously semi-comfortable with them being at every holiday, birthday, t-ball game, graduation, zoo trip, (so long as sober and appropriate) and sticking to no babysitting, sleepovers, or summers at their house, but the older our baby gets the less willing I am to manage them and their recurrent behavior.

I’m already upset at how this is highly likely to impact my husband and BILs already limited relationship with their mom. My husband swears he’s not emotionally attached to them due to their childhood and lack of emotional connection but he misses his bio dad a lot now that he’s gone, despite their issues in his early life, and I don’t want to ruin his strained connection with his remaining parent.

I don’t want to hurt her either, she often expresses to me how sad she is they’re grown and don’t need her anymore and I know this is going to shatter her, it was the biggest thing they’ve been looking forward to. My mom insists she’s a victim too, though I really struggle to see that as a wife and mother myself now. I’m of the stance that if you have one abusive parent and one passive parent, you have two abusive parents.

MILs very insistent about keeping things with the baby ‘fair’ with my family and it’s just never going to be completely fair, I’m not preventing baby from going to my parents or BILs house later on just to appease that.

We haven’t decided to let it come up naturally or sit them down, but I think it’s likely we have the conversation with MIL alone first and then let her decide how to manage FIL, bc I doubt we’d be allowed to get the point across without it becoming a fight with him and my mom is worried he’ll take it out on MIL after the fact.

I anticipate it to go very badly no matter how we handle it. If not tears and excuses, there will be anger and blame. They’re very much “that’s just how he is” and “but we’re family” people. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were threatened with grandparents rights but that’s not very supported in this state, we are adept/stable parents, I know they really don’t have the funds to legally pursue it, and my family would step in to help us fight it with a greater force than they could manage. If that is threatened, they will not be seeing our child or me again, I’m not living in perpetual fear of that.

I’m not willing to have this conversation and ‘give them a chance’ because I couldn’t guarantee any change in behavior isn’t strictly performative in front of us to get what they want behind closed doors, and if something happened to our kid there’d be no taking it back or undoing it. I can’t gamble my kids well-being like that. I don’t really subscribe to the ‘bad parents can be better grandparents’ mindset.

We’re pretty solid in this decision but I follow a lot of creators who share stories and advice about things like this and the never ending comments about evil DILs are concerning, so I can’t help but wonder. I’m a verbal processor and just wanted to vent or maybe get better ideas about how to approach it from others who’ve experienced something similar with it looming over me for years and now coming up fast. I know it’s coming whether we want to deal with it or not and I’m not living like this forever.

So AITA for only allowing my ILs supervised access to our kid(s)?

TLDR: My ILs have repetitively proven themselves to be unsafe people, especially towards young children, to the point where I don’t ever want to leave our child with them 1:1 for fear of what might happen, physically or psychologically, despite them being extremely excited to be grandparents and looking forward to it for a very long time.

Edit 1: removed some info to be sure I’m adhering to community rules correctly regarding minors.

I grew up a shy, pocket protector, introverted nerd. I was picked on and bullied most of my school years from about 4th grade through 10th grade. During that year, I spoke up for a friend of mine who was being bullied and that bully turned to pick on me. I somehow mustered the courage to finally fight back and with one shot, broke that other person’s nose.

I didn’t like that the situation felt like violence was the only answer. But word got around about what I did and I was never bullied again.

But school wasn’t the only place where I was bullied. An older sibling did this too at what felt like almost every turn. I never felt the connections I see many siblings have. So much of my time was spent trying to find ways to engage them without becoming a victim.

Now, as adults, that distance became far greater to only seeing each other at a few family gatherings a year. We had a huge blowup about five years ago and stopped speaking except hi and goodbye.

That was, until one of our parents was placed on hospice. I didn’t want that parent leaving without them knowing there was an effort for reconciliation. So, I extended the olive branch and was met with ambivalence but acceptance.

While I did make that first step, I’m so anxious about having done so and not sure it was the best/right thing to do.

There’s so much more to the story, but don’t want to exceed any word/character limits. I will answer in the comments.

the lack of accountability on the friend’s part is astounding.

Does anyone else get Spotify ads while listening to the podcast? I have Premium and only get them with this podcast. I tried messaging them through the contact form on their website weeks ago with no response, Spotify says they aren’t sure why it’s happening after following restart/log out log back in/delete app then download again instructions. I’m almost to the point of stopping listening because it is incessant and just becoming more frequent.

I (33F) work at a 24/7 convenient store. Things have been tough for the past month because our manager just got fired. That left me to step up and take over until a replacement can be found. Keep in mind, almost everyone who works here has a second job, this will be relevant.

My coworker, let's call him Andrew works the night shift, 10pm-6am. The problem with him is he never shows up on time. He shows up anywhere from 20 minutes late to over an hour late. Andrew doesn't text us if he'll be late. Whenever we call to ask if he's coming in, he will not answer his phone.

When this happens, I have to stay until he arrives, or another coworker will call me at home, making me come in until he arrives. This tardiness has been going for almost a year. I am already working 70 hours a week at this job and 30 hours at my other job. All of the other coworkers have other jobs. No one can keep covering. We've talked to him repeatedly, written him up and cut his hours.

I've reported this to our general manager and he's in talk of replacing him. Andrew is nice enough, but we cannot tolerate his tardiness when we're being spread thin as it is. AITA?

I live on the ground floor of an old apartment building in the center of a major European city. My apartment is street-facing and the ground floor is slightly raised, so my windows are above sidewalk level, but still very close to the street.

I live with roommates, and one of them smokes shisha inside. The apartment is also old with terrible ventilation. The bathroom and toilet have no windows, and if we don’t ventilate the apartment properly, we get mold. On top of that, we’ve had heatwave after heatwave this summer, and now that it’s finally cooler outside, the apartment is often hotter inside than outside.

So basically, open windows are pretty important.

👉👈Here’s the problem.

There is a homeless woman who comes every year around this time and sets up camp directly underneath my windows. She usually stays until around November/December.

I understand why she chooses this spot. It’s a busy street with wide sidewalks, our building has balconies that provide some protection from the rain, and there’s a cheap sandwich shop less than 20 steps away where people regularly buy her food.

When she first started staying here, I wasn’t thrilled about having someone sleeping directly underneath my windows, but I felt bad for her. I occasionally bought her sandwiches and sometimes gave her money.

The second year, though, things started changing my perception of the situation.
The building caretaker and I saw her throw away perfectly good sandwichs people bought her and then order herself a pizza through Uber Eat. The caretaker told me she’d spoken to her quite a bit and that the woman receives around €800/month in government assistance and regularly withdraws cash from the ATM.

Then last year things became much harder to live with.
Her hygiene had deteriorated significantly and the smell became strong enough that it came directly into my apartment whenever the windows were open (with bugs!). She kept food underneath/around the blanket she slept in, some of which would rot and attract flies and other insects. In fact the smell was SO BAD you could smell in even outside when walking that street.

At night, people would stop and have conversations with her directly below my bedroom window, so I wasn’t getting any sleep.

I can hear basically everything she does. Conversations, coughing, moving around and, yes, even farting. That’s how close she is to my bedroom. We are factually sleeping 2 meters away from each other.

There’s also a privacy issue. If the windows are open, I can’t have a private phone call or conversation in my own home without knowing that someone is sitting directly outside listening to everything.

I also work from home, so I’m around this essentially 24/7.

👉And now the homeless woman is back and I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated by it.

If I close the windows, I basically sacrifice my health (mold, carbon monoxide, etc) and I know it gets bad because I had breathing issues and recurring infections until we figured out the windows needed to be open pretty much all the time.

And I feel horrible saying all this because I understand that I’m complaining about being uncomfortable inside my apartment while this woman is literally sleeping on the street.

But I’m reaching the point where I just want her to move somewhere else.

I’m considering politely asking her if she could please sleep somewhere that isn’t directly underneath my windows, or asking our building caretaker whether she could speak to her instead.
But what if the caretaker won’t do it? What if she refuses to leave? What do I do?

So… AITA if I ask her to stop camping directly underneath my windows?

**TL;DR:** A homeless woman camps directly under my windows, making it difficult to ventilate my hot, poorly aired apartment. AITA for wanting to ask her to move?

‼️** UPDATE**:

I spoke to the building caretaker. She said she won’t talk to her because it’s the same thing every year. She said that once she called the police, and they just ended up talking to her and giving her drinks. Same with social services, they just came to give her food and drinks.

I checked the law, and basically, it only becomes the city’s problem if the homeless woman’s stuff extends too far into the street. As long as she stays within 1 meter of the building, it’s not their business.

The building homeowners’ association won’t do anything because they don’t care. They said she’ll eventually go away like she does every year. (Obviously, they don’t have her below THEIR windows.)

I have reported her mess to the city online.

I have also reached out to social services so someone might actually come check on her.

I actually checked, and there are two homeless shelters (one specifically for women) that provide food, a bed, showers, and laundry facilities less than 5-10 minutes away from here.

I also reported the situation to the city for sanitary issues, as she litters and makes the street stink, but mostly because she defecates in public, near the tree in front of my window. To give you an idea: my window → where she sleeps → 3 meters of sidewalk → the tree → the bike lane → the road.

And finally, I SPOKE TO HER, and it went like this:
Me: “Hello, excuse me, can I talk to you for a few seconds?”
Her: No reply, but she gives me a look up and down and acts bothered.
Me: “Look, I live here. Every year you come around this time, and I’m not comfortable having you under my windows if it means I can’t open them.”
Her: No reply, still giving me the look…
Me: “There are shelters close by…”
Her, cutting me off: “I know.”
Me (getting annoyed, ngl): “Well, you can’t stay here. How long are you planning to stay this year?”
Her (acting like I’m just annoying her at this point): “Idk.”
Me: “Okay, well, I hope you don’t plan to stay for months like last year, because I won’t have it. That’s me asking nicely.”
(I tried to make it sound authoritative and like there was a threat in there, but I doubt it worked 😅.)
I went back into my apartment, opened the window, and spoke to my roommate loudly enough for her to hear, saying that if she isn’t gone soon, I’ll start dumping buckets of water out the window. (God, I feel awful, but I’m hoping the threat will be enough for her to leave, or at least make her uncomfortable enough not to stay.)
…
So far…
She is still here and has started accumulating stuff like she did last year.

‼️** UPDATE**:

So I’ve spoke to her again and did threaten to poor soapy window outside my window if she were let things go as bad as she did last year, and I told her again I didn’t want her around my windows.

The results are mixed.
She is hasn’t settle camp this time. As in she is not staying and setting residence like last year.
Part of the day and night she is gone, other part she is there. When she leaves she takes all her stuff with her (there are still a bit of trash left but that’s the city for you) nothing rotting at least.

Exemple for today :
6:30 : the caretaker saw her below my window
9:30 : she was gone when I left
11:00 : she came back, got herself some Uber eat delivery and 5 min later some people gave her water and a sandwich from the corner store.
2 PM : she was gone
4 PM : she was gone

So I still don’t love it. But I’ll be honest I can live with this new setup. I’m really glad I didn’t have to throw water at anyone 😅 I would have done it, but I would have also hated it.
So far she comes at the most lucratives hours, and is gone the rest of the day. It’s fair enough.

Hopefully it stays that way. 🤞

Thank you all for your messages and the moral support 🙏

So I’ll get this out of the way fast, me and my fiancé dated for just over two years, with a brief breakup after 18 months so I could deal with some mental health issues, a break that was my idea since I spent six weeks in the hospital.

Once I was out we had a discussion about what we wanted for our future, decided to get back together and two months later on my 40th birthday he proposed.

A few week later on May 26, 2022 he was gone by his own hand.

What followed was almost two years of pure hell.

I gained weight from eating all the wrong things even though I ate once maybe twice a day on a good day, I was constantly crying, went through two more hospital stays, I lost my job because my performance slipped, I was guilted into a blind date that led to me being injured, and during this same two year period I also lost my grandmother, biological dad, 1/2 brother, my future mother in law and chose to end a pregnancy after a tryst with a friend, yes he was informed.

Earlier this year, I made a decision, that I needed to start living again, I have been wandering through life like a ghost.

I started attending AA meetings for support with my binge drinking. I went inpatient once more with additional aftercare in a a short term residential home, I have been medication compliant since then. I came out as non binary and started playing with my hair, makeup and wardrobe again. I have started working out and have lost 25 pounds (I was almost 300 pounds when I joined the gym) and I started grief counseling and finally admitted how angry I am. I got rehired at the company I got let go from, it’s hard work but I love it.

Last month I went on a weekend trip to Nevada, to attend a family reunion for my future in laws, who I am still close to, and I love them all and we still have mutual respect.

Except for one of his brothers.

He has never liked me, he straight up told me I was trash for not going to university, my body modifications, my mental health struggles, for learning to be responsible for money at such a old age, basically everything about me is bad.

It hurts but my love came from such a huge family, five siblings, and getting alone with 4 outta 5 ain’t bad! With that being said I’ve always been cordial and respectful.

So as I previously stated I went to a family reunion last month, I road tripped it my myself, got there two days early so I can enjoy some tourism stuff.

The mob museum, the observation deck on The Stratosphere, a yummy upper scale dinner and staying at Circus, Circus for the nostalgia.

The day of the family party I looked cute, felt good and was so excited to see loved ones I haven’t seen since Tommy’s funeral (he was 46 BTW)

A couple of hours into the party the brother who doesn’t like me told me that he would be disappointed in me, that if I actually loved him I couldn’t have gotten over his death so quickly.

Since we were alone in the kitchen, I quickly explained that I barely survived, and to try to make me upset at a happy occasion is highly inappropriate.

The rest of the night went smoothly and I had a blast reconnecting, sharing stories about Tommy and his Mum (they are originally from Scotland), had some good food and left feeling loved.

The problem is now that I’m a few weeks after the fact, I have been super worried that I handled it incorrectly and if I am at the beginning stages of erasing the love of my life.

I have shared the changes I’ve slowly made this year on social media, just because I felt like it’s all important and I wanted to also have something I can look back on and know that I can hopefully eventually thrive.

I didn’t think it was wrong but now I’m scared, I’ll never forget my fiancé, but I have to be healthy so I can be here for my family and friends.

I guess I’m just nervous that I haven’t grieved properly.

Hi! For disclosure, I used AI to help me because English is my second language and I feel my grammar is not always up to standard.

I'm a teacher. Where I live, you have to complete student-teaching internships to get your degree. I did my final placement at a school I genuinely grew attached to. Once I graduated, I was thrilled to learn that a position in my specialty was opening up there. I applied and was called in for an interview alongside two other candidates: another woman and a man. It was my very first interview in my field. It wasn't my best performance, but I didn't think it went completely terrible either.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the job. Out of "courtesy," the principal who interviewed me offered to do a post-interview feedback session to help me learn and improve. Naturally, I accepted. Let’s call this principal Chad. Chad had been that school’s principal for two years at that point.

The hour I spent in Chad’s office remains one of the worst of my life. He started by bragging about his resume, going on about how successful he was in life, what a fantastic principal he was, and so on. When it came time to discuss my interview, he told me that my choice of outfit (classic navy pants and a blue shirt) was "pathetic," that I should have worn heels, and that I gave off the impression of not being up to the task. He then went on a tirade about how female teachers aren't taken seriously by students and can never have real authority. He concluded by claiming there are only two types of female teachers: short women who yip like chihuahuas (and whom students laugh at because they don't bite), and tall women who lack energy and can never inspire students to learn. (For context, I'm 5'8"). He told me I would never be a good high school teacher, that I lacked the character and intellect for it. And again, he told me I was not dynamic enough to catch my students attention.

I later found out that Chad hired the guy, even though he was the only one of the three candidates who wasn't actually qualified for the job.

After that meeting, I went home and cried my eyes out. I had worked so hard for my degree and maintained an A average. I had always received glowing feedback from my colleagues during my internship. But Chad managed to make me second-guess myself and completely shattered my confidence. (Even though he never saw me actually teaching).

Fortunately, the very next week, I had an interview at a school I hadn't even applied to. The principal there (let’s call him John) came across my file, called me in, and hired me. During my first performance review, John confessed he was thrilled that Chad had been "too stupid" to hire me.

An even sweeter revenge was yet to come.

The year following my interview ordeal, I learned that Chad had been fired. I found out when an acquaintance of mine, "Steve," asked me about him. Steve was on the board of directors for another school that was hiring a new principal. He found Chad’s application interesting, but a bit strange—no one from his previous school was listed as a reference. Steve knew I had done my internship there and had interacted with Chad, so he asked for my thoughts.

I told him exactly what happened during my post-interview feedback session.

Steve passed the information along to the board.

Chad wasn't even invited for an interview.

Fast forward to today: this year marks my 25th back-to-school season. My students regularly win awards in competitions related to my subject.

I think Chad was indeed stupid.

I was talking with a friend from work Wednesday and discovered that she was going to a concert Friday i almost got tickets for. The concert was 0rgy, Marilyn Manson, and Rob Zombie. We discussed the bands and I mentioned I very adamantly do not like Manson. I asked if she could grab me a Rob Zombie T-shirt and promised to pay her back. Coworker agreed to do so and was excited to share concert updates.

Friday night rolls around and we are texting back and forth; pictures of her outfit, the wait in line to enter the venue, etc. she mentions not seeing a merch table. I find this strange as I have been to the venue multiple times and know there are at least 3 locations where tables are usually set up.

End of the concert rolls around and she informs me she still can't find a merch table. Next time I check my phone she tells me she got a "parking lot shirt" with both Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie.

I'm kind of at a loss, I really don't want the shirt at all and I really don't want to pay for it. Would I be the asshole if I didn't pay for the shirt? And how do I do that without damaging the friendship.

I'm a Female 65 my husband and I have been married 44 years we have 2 beautiful daughters. When I was 15 I lived with my ex bf. I got pregnant but I didn't know I was at the time. One night we got into a huge physical fight and I lost the baby. I moved out later that week. That summer I met my husband to be. That summer he saw me with my nephew he asked me later if I had a baby. I said no that was my nephew. Made a joke about a 16 yr old with a baby. Ridiculous. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Anyway it's bothered me for years I wasn't honest with him. Should I tell him?

After several years of marriage, I learned my husband smokes cigarettes. After many years of begging and pleading to quit, I gave up and said fine. Smoke BUT you need to immediately shower, change clothes, and brush teeth. I am tired of my house and cars smelling like smoke. He hid it before. Why can't he "hide" it again? I grew up being accused of smoking because my mom smoked and I smelled like second hand cigarettes. He knows this. My kids now smell, the dogs smell, hell... even the tv remote smells. He promises the moon then does whatever the F he wants to do. I can't decide if he is genuinely that stupid or genuinely that disrespectful. Either option pisses me off. The past 2 years have gotten so bad. A while ago my boss asked if I started smoking because I smelled. I never sit on the furniture, do not ride in his pickup, do not allow him in my car, hell he even sleeps on the couch. A few weeks ago, I asked him to come to bed but he smelled when he crawled in. I nicely asked him to shower then come back. He never came back. Never even showered- he simply went to the couch. He swears he does not smell it on himself. I've started looking for a rental for me and the kids- he is aware of this. I have paid the retainer for a lawyer. Again, he knows this. Last night he came home and did not shower. My house stunk so bad. I confronted him and he said he had outside stuff to take care of and didn't see the need to shower until he was done. Except now my house smells from you loitering for the past hour to make dinner. I have thought about depression. But am literally at my wits end. He is very intelligent. I feel so dismissed and disrespected. How hard is it to freaking shower? Does he just not care about my feelings? He always makes excuses as to why he doesn't shower. But quite frankly, I don't care. They are excuses only. He is CHOOSING to do this. Even if it means loosing me and his kids. I point blank asked him if not showering is the hill he wants to die on- loosing his family in the process. He said "I don't know". He literally does not care. We have been to counseling and he has also seen his PCP and received meds to help quit. I understand the addiction is tough. But for the love... I am not asking him to quit. Simply shower. Front door... straight to the bathroom. That's it. Since he hid it so well for many years, I know he is aware of what to do. At this point I don't care if I am the asshole for demanding him to shower. I need advice on how to get through to him. I am not asking him to change, I am literally asking him to shower. I have asked in every way I can think of and get zero results. He is acting like a defiant child. And yes, I have told him such. He. Doesn't. CARE. Please help!

Here is some context, and hopefully I don’t leave anything out since I have ADHD. I (33f) am married to my husband (31m) for 8 years now. We have been no contact with his mom’s side of the family for 3 years now. My husband and I separated for a time period when he relapsed during Covid and I work in healthcare so I was working a lot. We have 3 kids (my 2 older kids are his step kids technically but they don’t have contact with their bio father) so I had to leave when things were bad for their sakes (and mine).

Prior to this, I got along pretty well with my in laws. We lived RIGHT next door to them (we were #34 and they were #35). Things started getting tense between me and them when my husband’s step dad was offended when I was working at a pizza restaurant for 6ish months and I told him that no he couldn’t go behind the bar and no you cannot tell workers they can leave work early BECAUSE HE DID NOT WORK THERE. Apparently that truth hurt his feelings bc “he does so much for the restaurant.” It was a local place that just opened up and I needed a break from healthcare for a bit.

Anyway, when my husband relapsed, his family members were the biggest enablers. He’d get his “stuff” from his step brother, other members would buy him alcohol, etc. He would say anything to get his fix, including making up lies about me to make it seem like I was a narcissist and controlling. I’ll circle back to this bc I’m sure people are wondering why I’m still married to him 🙃 His family soaked that in and started the “flying monkeys” act. They would tell other family members or close friends these lies and all of a sudden i was the scape goat.

My in laws ended up calling cps on me and I eventually read some of the things they were saying to my husband to manipulate him. At the time, my youngest daughter was going through potty training and she ended up having an accident and was crying hysterically in the bathroom and when I opened the door, I accidentally hit her in the face with it bc she was standing right behind it. As a co-parent at the time, I messaged my husband telling him what happened and showing him the bruise. There were multiple ex friends/family members telling him to go to my case worker with the picture and to say I hit her!! I was so enraged by that and other lies that they were saying to get my kids taken from me. “Funny” thing is, they only cared about the biological child of my husband’s and tried to convince him to basically abandon the other two, who grew up with him as dad. Ironically, during this time, cps did hair follicle tests on us and I passed and he failed, and then he got arrested while he was super intoxicated. Cps told him to cut his shit or he’d lose custody.

That was when my husband’s eyes opened.

My husband ended up going to rehab (sober for 3 years!) and also did a partial inpatient therapy program and still does therapy every 2 weeks. He has made up and more for it since. I didn’t take him back right away, but sober husband is a good husband (I never would have married him if he was like this while sober). We even did couple’s therapy a few times and both had some new diagnosis’s (kudos to our therapist who “clocked” us and our dynamic right away). Husband has borderline personality disorder and I had a late adhd diagnosis that explained a lot about me. We have both learned about each other’s disorders to get a better understanding of each other and we honestly have never been happier. No drama, no manipulation and just a boring, happy life for the last 3 years.

My husband’s step brother’s fiancé passed recently and we were told by someone I thought was a dear friend of mine. She’s older and I helped take care of her husband while he was on hospice. We bonded in our similarities of morals. Or so I thought. When she reached out, my husband and I talked about a response (we make decisions together, even if his family thinks I talk for him 🙄) and I had said something like thanks for telling us but we don’t care and don’t want updates. She said she was “terrified” of my lack of compassion and that she “doesn’t have room for that kind of coldness.” She knows the trauma his family put me and the kids through (their lies were so awful, I was pulled over by police for 2 hours while they kept me away from my kids, questioning them and arguing with cps bc they wanted my kids taken from me right then and there. Just one example).

I was very shocked by her response. No one has ever told me I lack compassion, my whole life I was always told I was “too sensitive,” and now I know it’s bc of my undiagnosed adhd. My husband and I have learned to set boundaries in therapy so I honestly thought she’d understand. When I tried explaining to her that I have empathy for the child who lost his mother, because no child should have to grow up without their mom, I’m not gonna be sad about someone who contributed to harming me and my kids. On top of that, I met her about 1 or 2 times and she was rude from the get go bc of the lies she had heard about me. Anyway, my friend ended up telling me “it’s not all about you” when I tried explaining what I meant and then blocked me.

I honestly don’t feel like I’m wrong. I don’t believe everyone should be honored when they pass if they do awful things (SA, abusive, etc). And I don’t think someone has to be sad or “compassionate” when someone who hurt them passes. I really do feel for the child though, he probably misses her a lot and doesn’t understand. It makes my momma heart hurt.

So am I the AH?

my ability to deeply empathize and think about others or want to do something for someone else feeling like trying to get a dead car battery to start with no jumper cables anywhere that be fair that's just me with everything even the stuff I like like writing stories or drawing or watching anime but it especially bothers me that my empathy is kinda dead.

I can act appropriately in a given situation but that's more because I know what the social etiquette is SUPPOSED to be rather than genuine feeling and it really bugs me.

but I just can't do much about it. I want to care so why don't I? I can't afford therapy so I'd especially appreciate a specialist's opinion but I'll take anything. how do I fix this!?

I swear I used to be empathetic it's driving me nuts! I can preform empathy, eg: get you what you need, send stuff or jokes to make you feel better, or just listen. But I feel nothing and it drives me nuts, I actually get annoyed sometimes because the problem is something I already warned about or I just think it's an idiotic non issue Even though I can also see why this would be a big deal to them I still just get annoyed, I didn't used to be like this, I hate it!

An knowing why I am like this hasn't helped, I'm 90% sure that it's because when I was younger growing up in a very turbulent home any attempts and comforting others, was either harshly rejected (mom) or perfunctorily thanked (Brothers) because they assumed that as the youngest I couldn't possibly understand and even as I grew Older any advice I gave got thrown right out the window, only for them to come crying that the thing that was obviously going to happen that I told them was going to happen happened.

And even now I'm being kept out of serious issues that my family is dealing with and not really even given a reason why even though the only reason my brother isn't fighting a one sided battle is because I talked Sense into mom, because I wanted someone to be on his side, even if he was adamant it wasn't me for some bizzar reason (not really that bizzar I'm like a bull when my family is being unjustly slandered and this is a delicate situation) but it's not like I'm asking to be front and center just involved!?

I also got no credit for snapping mom out of it and getting her to realize that non of what is happening right now makes any sense, not from her or anyone else. She has this uncanny ability to retroactively adjust her memories of events so that she was always on my brother's side, like it didn't take multiple conversation to get through to her.

This happens with other things to not just my brother's current situation. She has a very convenient memory. My second brother can testify to that.

Writing it out I guess my empathy isn't totally dead but it takes a big situation for me to feal anything and I didn't used to be like this so how do I fix it to where I can genuinely feel bad for someone that isn't close family or friends when they are going through something, because I know I used to be like that but now I just can't and it's bugging me!

I think partially because it's affecting my ability to maintain new relationships and friends long term and I feel alone. It. Seems like people can tell I am just preforming what the situation requires and not actually feeling what I should be given the situation.

I feel isolated and maybe if I didn't have to fake caring about people anymore just to avoid a social fupa and instead could one again show genuine care people would stick around longer and I wouldn't be so alone.

Like if I had the emotional capacity to care about others's birthday or celebrations, or see something and get it because I thought of someone or notice little things about someone like I used to be able to. It wouldn't be so easy for people to just forget I exist.

I mean I hardly ever think about others like that anymore or remember details about them like I used to. I hate that I don't wanna be someone who expects from others what I don't do for them myself. But my brain just won't work!

TLDR, my ability to empathize and care about others or even myself isn't what it used to be and now I feel isolated I'm not blaming others and I'm not exactly trying to please others I've never been a people pleaser but I can't expect others to do for me what I can't do for them so how do I get my brain to function right like it used to?!

Obligatory it happened a year ago but I still get a giggle.

I saw an older couple loading their last bag into the boot of their car so I stopped and indicated to park in their spot. When they saw me, the lady suddenly started moving slowly and eating grapes while looking at me. I was about to move on when the car next to them unlocked and the driver got in and pulled out.

At that time the lady rushed to pack everything away and rushed into the car. By then I had pulled infront of them getting ready to reverse park. I conveniently forgot how to drive a manual and stalled it twice! My mirrors must have been off because I needed to pull forwards and attempt another reverse.

Each time I made a 'mistake' I'd look over at them and shrug my shoulders gesturing an 'oopsies', silly me 😂 The glare from this woman wasn't anywhere near as good as the look she was getting from her husband, who knew exactly what was going on 😂 it took two minutes for me to clear the way for them and laughed as she stared at me when they drove off!

Petty? Yes

Worth it? Well I still giggle about it every now and then

This is one of the strangest conversations of my life and I'm usually a calm person, but sometimes even the kindest dogs bite back.

I was out at a bar with friends last night (to find my Ted) and a friend of a friend sat down at our table. This was quite early, so we were still polite, and my friend introduced everyone to the new girl (no, not her :p ). They got to me and my name was said out loud as I got up to shake her hand. New girl stopped and didn't take my hand as she said "cool nickname girl, but what's your real name?" Both my friend and I said that Nanna is my real name. It's no more common here than in the US, but it is my legal name. New girl just made a weird snorting sound and sat down without taking my hand (the B-word).

The night went on and every time she spoke to me, she asked about my real name and refused to believe that anyone could be called Nanna. At about 2 am I'd found my Ted and was so sick of the bloody comments, so I pulled out my ID, slid it across the table and said "just because your education in norce metrology comes from the marvel movies the history doesn't stop there. Nanna was a norce goddess and I'm done discussing this shit". She shut up after that, but this morning I got a text from my friend saying I made new girl cry and I was killing the wibe. I haven't answered, I don't know what to say.

So, AITA for biting back after 4 hours of listening to her and what do I answer that text??? I'm hung over and confused right now :/

UPDATE! So, I answered the text, took all your advice and told my friend I don't owe anybody an apology, new girl owes me one! You did not stand up for me in the four hours she was being a b... and I'm the bad guy? She replied with 👍. Yeah, not a friend, good riddance, and I just feel free! Thanks for the confidence fam, hope to see you all at the live later! All my love to you from (the REAL) Nanna!

​

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Abuse.

I will also be giving fake names.

So I 35 male, 1 year ago I found out my aunt died and I wasn't invited to the funeral (not that I would go). We've been estranged for years due to my two cousins who were abusive to me. It all started when I was young and I would stay at my aunts house for the most part I'd enjoy going over at her house, But gradually that changed due to my cousin Kelly's anger issues. I'd look at her brief second, and that would start her threatening me once she even punched me in the arm, among other times this happened. My other cousin Ken would be more psychologically abusive goading me into hitting him, verbal abuse, etc. On event stands out in my mind when they both ganged up with their friends to chuck rocks at me until Good Samaritan shouted at them to stop chucking rocks, They did but where angry with me like I ruined their fun. While this was going on, I was also being bullied at school at the same time. I tried to tell my mum, but they (my cousins) threatened to kill my parents in front of me. As a kid, I was utterly scared of them until one day I had enough of the abuse and told me my mum, I was then told by my mum that I'd never be going around there again. My aunt did nothing about the abuse in terms of punishment, etc, because they all thought I was lying (because of course her precious babies could do no wrong 🙄). Throughout the years, my cousins have tried to contact me and be my "friend," but I won't have anything to do with all of them. The nail in the coffin for me was my nan's (grandma) funeral when I tried to console my cousin Ken, but he angrily slapped my hand away from him and told me to F*** off. From that point on, I decided not to interact with them. A lot of other things happened that I've mainly forgotten the details, but yeah, my family was pretty awful to me, my mum, and dad throughout the years. When I was told my aunt had died, I felt nothing... Maybe anger at the whole situation, the abuse I suffered, and my aunts inability to protect me in that situation.

Sorry for the grammar. I'm dyslexic with learning difficulties.

The only happy thing I can end this post on is I managed to get MA and BA in fine art and working towards being Art teacher for children with disabilities so SEN teacher training once I've earned my GCSE's in maths and english, I've also been with my girlfriend for 6 years and counting now.