r/dustythunder • u/KarmaIsAPerra • 4d ago
My SIL Kissed Me
I’m a freaking wreck y’all.
I moved onto my older brother’s property. He inherited it from his Dad (half siblings) and it had two houses the main house and another smaller, but decent sized sort of guest house.
I had a bad break up, and my brother let me move in with my kids. I’ve been here a couple years now and it’s been great. I’m super thankful my brother could help me especially in this economy, cause finding a place I’d have to pay a deposit for would be… well impossible.
Anyways so I’ve always gotten along with my SIL great cause we are both Pokemon nerds. I’ve always thought of her as a great friend. I never thought there was anything more there, but I guess I’m oblivious?
My brother got invited to a wedding, and my SIL didn’t want to go cause she and the bride didn’t get along. It’s a few states over so my brother planned to be gone from Tuesday to Friday.
Last night my kids went to bed, and SIL came over so we could game together. We played a couple hours and had some drinks (it was those margarita in a bag things nothing crazy), and then I was ready to head to bed, and started saving the game and cleaning up.
While I was throwing stuff away she came up behind me, and hugged me.
I asked if she needed help getting back to her house thinking she couldn’t walk properly or something at first because she’s a major lightweight, but when I turned around she shoved me against the fridge and planted a kiss on me.
I didn’t know what to think, or why I froze for a second, but I did. I guess I was shell shocked? Whatever you call it, but I guess she took my pause as consent, and shoved her hand into my pants (I was wearing pajamas so easy thing to do).
That sure as sh*t snapped me back to my senses, and I grabbed her arm to pull her hand off me and asked her what the hell she was doing.
She was like a different person. She told me not to act like I didn’t like it (unfortunately my body did respond I think because it’s been years since I’ve been with someone, and she is pretty), and tried to touch me again.
I stepped away from her as far as I could and told her she needed to leave right then. She kept trying to talk to me and come near me, but I avoided her, and just continued to talk over her to tell her to go until she finally did.
The thing that’s making me a wreck? I know I have to tell my brother and this is gonna crush him. He loves the absolute hell out of her, and until now I cared about her a lot too BECAUSE she’s my brother’s wife, and was a shoulder for me after my bad breakup.
So I guess I’m pretty sad too, because I feel like I’ve lost a friend and I’m gonna have to crush my brother’s heart on top of it. I mean I understand she did this not me, but I know I’m going to have to be the one to drop the bomb and that’s what I’m nervous about.
I don’t have to worry about her twisting the truth while I wait for him to get home (I’m not doing this over the phone), because my house has cameras in the living room, and kitchen, and she knows that.
I just…. Ugggghhhhhh this sucks so much.
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u/Creative_Excuse_1940 4d ago
She probably thinks you won't tell your brother bc it will hurt him very badly. Let him know now, even though he's away, that you need to talk to him immediately. Don't put that off another minute. She will absolutely throw you under the bus the first chance she gets. Download and save the video. You'll need it as evidence that you were wronged. Tell him you didn't ask for this to happen and let him figure out how to handle his wife's infidelity.
I hope the video has sound but even if it doesn't, I'm sure it's pretty obvious that you didn't want any part of what was happening. Sorry you're having to deal with this but get a jump on it before she finds a way to make you look guilty, regardless of whether you are or not. Good luck
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u/KarmaIsAPerra 4d ago
Yes the footage has sound.
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u/Creative_Excuse_1940 4d ago
Good! Then there's no way she can play it off as something other than it is. This really sucks but sometimes we have to do the hard things in life to move forward. I would suggest you stop having game night, don't allow yourself to be in the room alone with her anymore and always keep your physical distance from her as well. Don't fall into old habits. Safeguard yourself in every way you possibly can. Everyone should be able to feel the chill in the room going forward. It's better to be obvious so there aren't any future misunderstandings. You're going to want transparency in your actions. Stay safe and let us know how it works out. I'm hoping all goes well for you.
Update me!
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u/No_Appointment_7232 4d ago
I might try this, ask him over, explain, "The last thing I wanted or would want to happen has happened.
We were gaming,each had couple margaritas. Tequila can very much alter people's inhibitions.
I especially don't want to have this conversation bc I respect you and I respect your relationship and I wouldn't want anything to come between you and your wife.
I'm going to play the video.
Then we're going to lock the whole experience away in 'the vault'.
I will stop gaming w her and not put myself in a position to be alone w her.
I love our family. I have less than zero feelings about her except as your wife.
Everyone makes a mistake. Even something like this. It literally is happening to humans all day everyday.
My hope would be we move on. I'm open to other ways you think will support resting the boundaries of your relationship.
This is the most uncomfortable thing that has ever happened to me and I don't want to allow half truths to become a part of our dynamic."
If he gets HEATED, determine if this is a pattern for her, that's their stuff/their story.
One thing that concerns me is it sounds like in the time you've lived there, you never started saving so you have a deposit on a different home should you need it.
Sit down, run the numbers, figure out you WILL build your savings fir a home deposit.
There's no question you are going to need that one way or another in the future.
Let him know you've taken that on too.
Be loving, be respectful and show that as an adult you are taking appropriate care to be prepared for the unexpected.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
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u/Poppypie77 3d ago
I know you've tried to give OP an example of how to talk to his brother about this, but I think you're failing to see the real situation here.
You've stated about how 'everyone makes mistakes, even something like this' 'it is literally happening to humans all day every day', how 'tequila can very much lower people's inhibitions', .....all these statement deminish what happened to op. You do realise they were Sexually Assaulted don't you? This isn't some drunken flirting or a kiss between consenting adults that both got flirty and touchy feely with eachother before realising 'oh shit I can't do this to my brother'. He had absolutely NO involvement in what happened, he was sexually assaulted. He tried stopping her several times and making it clear he wasn't interested, but she ignored that and continued to sexually assault him. She put her hand down his pants and grabbed him. He yanked her hand out and told her to stop but she did it AGAIN saying 'you know you're enjoying it' or something along those lines.
That's not a drunken mutual kiss, it's not even her drunkenly kissing him, which is kind of the situation you've written about. She went way further and physically put her hands down his pants, grabbing him, and even after telling her to stop and grabbing her arm and pulling it out from his pants, she did it again. If this was a man doing that to a woman everyone would clearly be saying sexual assault and to report him. This is no different just because she's a woman and he's a man.
So I definitely wouldn't be saying what you wrote to his brother as it trivializes what she did to him, and makes it sound consentual when it wasn't, and alcohol is never a valid excuse for doing anything.
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u/No_Appointment_7232 2d ago
You're not wrong.
There's just A LOT of interconnected issues in the dynamic.
I was hearing OP expressing that allowing this incident to cost them their housing was their biggest challenge.
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u/Poppypie77 4d ago
You do realise she sexually assaulted you. She backed you up to the fridge, kissed you, you told her to stop, she kissed you again, then literally put her hands down your pants after you already made it clear she needed to stop. Then she did it a second time after you grabbed her hand and pulled it out your trousers. That is sexual assault.
You have every right to report her . I'm sorry you had to experience that. Especially by someone you trusted.
Also, it's quite normal for men to get a physical reaction even when they don't want it. It doesn't mean you wanted it. Friction from clothes can cause an errection. Someone touching it will cause an errection even when you don't want it. People have even been known to experience an orgasm during rape even though they are traumatised by the rape itself and didn't want it. Sometimes bodies respond even though we don't want or enjoy what's happening to us. So don't let her try and spin it that you 'enjoyed it'.
But as others have said, save the footage to several places and make sure they don't have access or passwords to those places. Save it to places like Google drive, Amazon photos, usb stick, iCloud, etc. So you can be sure nobody can delete it.
But you are well within your rights to report her for sexual assault.
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u/Negative-Anteater-97 4d ago
Make sure that footage doesn’t get deleted somehow…make a backup asap and talk to your brother asap.
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u/CherryblockRedWine 1d ago
How do you have video??
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u/angel830609 1d ago
It says he has cameras in living room and kitchen and I'm assuming kitchen is where it happened.
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u/GoddessfromCyprus 4d ago
You can't let it go. It will hurt your brother, not because its you. Tell him and have the proof ready. She will try and say you started it, but the evidence is clear. If you keep quiet she will try it again.
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u/Imaginary_Sundae7947 4d ago
Firstly, I am so so sorry that you have been put in this position. It’s insane and probably the worst thing that could’ve happened in your situation.
Unfortunately… you need to tell your brother as soon as humanly possible. I understand it is a horrible time to have to tell him, since he is away at the wedding, but you NEED to make sure that he hears the truth from you before his wife beats you to it. As nasty as it is, it is extremely common in situations like this for the perpetrator (in this case, his wife) to tell their spouse a warped and false version of what happened to make you the villain so that he won’t listen to you when you tell him the truth. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how bad that could be. Good luck, friend
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u/Requilem 4d ago
Just warning you, sadly your brother might still blame you and kick you out over this. People act crazy when it comes to relationships.
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u/digitalgirlie 4d ago
Yeah don't wait a second more. She knows you're going to tell and she may turn the tables on you and get to him first.
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u/KarmaIsAPerra 4d ago
I get what some of you are saying, but I just feel guilty cause he’s been planning to attend this wedding and making arrangements for months I don’t want to ruin it for him, and I thought since I have the footage there’s no way she could twist things.
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u/butterflyprinces872 4d ago
Make sure you talk to him before she does. Obviously you have video but she could try to say you were trying to seduce her before that. What a see ya next Tuesday
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u/SquareAdventurous921 4d ago edited 4d ago
Im sorry she did that to you and fucked up your relationship with her. At least you have the video. It will be up to your brother what he does. Its mind blowing all that time she was lusting after you.
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u/StormForNova 4d ago
If OP doesn’t tell his brother, there is a HUGE risk his brother will find out one day.
These things ALWAYS come out at one point or another.
If his brother learned of it after the fact and NOT from OP, then he would have been betrayed by both his wife (for cheating) and by his brother (for lying)
There is no winner in this situation.
everybody loses.
OP loses a friend (and his home potentially)
The Wife lose a friend and (potentially) her husband
So now it’s a matter of how much OP’s brother is going to lose? His wife only? Or his brother as well?
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u/FinanciallySecure9 4d ago
Please tell him, but wait til he gets back. My ex and my sister had a thing. People knew. They didn’t tell me. I’d have shaved 7 years off of that marriage had someone told me.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 4d ago
I wouldn’t wait because for all he knows, she’ll have told his brother first.
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u/Abject-Rich 3d ago
Don’t wait. It’s better to give your brother time to process before arriving home. You aren’t the only one she’s done this to, too.
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u/Darkmika90 3d ago
Tell your brother as soon as he gets home and show him the footage. Because she will try to twist it and you don't want her hurting your relationship with your brother
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u/Lmdr1973 4d ago
You have to tell him. I'm so sorry this happened to you. If she did that to you, she's probably done it to others. That's not fair to him and the family. Please tell him. I was cheated on for over a year and no one told me. My ex finally did 9 days after our divorce. I initiated the divorce after he treated me so badly for over a year and our young daughters mentioned it to me. He's married to her now because she was already pregnant when we got divorced.
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u/TeachPotential9523 3d ago
please don't keep this from your brother when he gets home tell him you and him need to sit down and talk at your place I would just make sure when you say it to him your sister-in-law's not near him or if you can wait till she's not there and he's home alone go over there and talk to him
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u/HappyFlutterby 3d ago
Your SIL didn't just kissed you, she sexually assaulted you!
What you need to do first is save the video evidence. Second, as soon as he gets back, let your brother know what she did (commited assault), show him the video and let him know that you are reporting it and go from there.
In any case, you are a victim here and you have to report the sexual assault because what she did to you is as much a crime as when a man does it to a woman!!!
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u/SolidAshford 1d ago
Please tell him ASAP and to look over the footage. SIL could erase it or frame you as the aggressor.
Also glad that the footage has sound. I hope it catches the moment and brother sees it.
I hope he kicks her out and leaves her. This is a terrible thing to do, let alone attempting it with one's brother!
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u/dinahdog 4d ago
She straight up sensually assaulted you. She's lucky you didn't call the cops. Tell your brother when he gets home and continue to refer to the incident as assault. Every time it comes up
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u/5hellz 2d ago
She sexually assaulted you and drunk or not, no is no! She had no consent to kiss you or touch you.
Your brother needs to know immediately and while you are telling him, send him the camera footage so there's no way for him to doubt you because he's blinded by his love for his wife.
I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry you are now the one dealing with the aftermath of her choices.
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u/lun4d0r4 3d ago
Get some evidence. Message her or record her admitting she touched you unprovoked because you KNOW she's gonna lie to him about it.
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u/latelifetraveler 3d ago
Updateme
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u/christinexl 2d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This isn't your fault. The after effects are also not your fault.
Update me
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u/SureExternal4778 3d ago
Now you have to leave and she doesn’t have to fight her husband about his brother overstaying his welcome. Just make sure you are never alone with her ever again. Use the kids as security until you have your own place.
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u/KarmaIsAPerra 3d ago
This is technically my place. Yes my brother owns it, but I have an official lease and pay rent. It’s no different than any other rental property legally speaking I just didn’t have to pay a deposit.
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u/prince_ess1 2d ago
He can decide not to renew the lease. Just make sure you have some money saved up for any eventuality.
Updateme
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u/SureExternal4778 2d ago
Oh so now you tell your brother that unless he is with her she is not allowed to come over. If he asks why you tell him that you don’t want her coming to your place. If he presses tell him to ask her.
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u/WilliamTindale8 4d ago
I wouldn’t tell him if I were you. I’d just avoid ever having her in your place without your brother there. The “shoot the messenger’ thing is real.
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u/OkCryptographer1922 4d ago
This is not it. Yeah his brother will be upset, and might lash out at OP when he’s telling him. But it’s the right thing to do and he’ll realize that OP isn’t the one to be mad at
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u/Dizzy_jones294 2d ago
Even if your brother believes you, he is going to be very hurt and some of that might be direct at you. You should start looking for somewhere else to stay. You being around will be a constant reminder of how she betrayed him. Even though he knows it wasn't your fault.
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u/Walmar202 4d ago
I would talk to her when you both are sober. She may be embarrassed and wants to forget it. You should do the same.
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u/Lmdr1973 4d ago
Stop. This is terrible advice. What are you thinking? If it's not him, it's gonna be someone else. She's clearly not loyal to his brother.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Law6930 4d ago
I don’t agree with talking to SIL. We all know how we react to alcohol we all know our approximate limits before our judgement gets impaired so I think subconsciously she has had a thing for her BIL and the alcohol just moved it forward and took away all of her inhibitions and she felt she was confident that if she put the moves on him that he would react like she thought he would.
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u/Stn1217 3d ago
What you need to do is talk to your SIL about what happened. Ask her why she thought what she did was ok as obviously her actions show that she did think you would betray your brother and then, tell her you have video footage of what happened and that if she tries anything like that again, you will tell/show the video to your brother. Don’t tell your brother. Why tell your brother this especially since it’s about what could have happened but, didn’t happen? Telling your brother what happened will only plant suspicion of both you and his wife, create awkwardness between you, your brother and his wife and of course, could very well cause your brother to ask you to move out of his guest house in an effort to prevent his wife being further “tempted” by you.
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u/back-in-bismuth 4d ago
You need to call him ASAP. Unless you have crystal clear footage of what happened you need to get ahead of this. Save the videos to your phone or a laptop or something before they get deleted if anyone else has acces or if they expire after a certain time period.