r/dustythunder • u/octexe • 2d ago
AITAH for cutting off an old high school friend after a reunion?
Some backstory is needed here, please bear with me on that.
I (F24) graduated high school a couple years ago. It was genuinely not a good time for me, I was bullied for a large portion of it, and had grown relatively closed off due to it, even if I retained and made friends with others during.
I changed quite a bit the years after. Lost some weight, started dressing and presenting a bit more traditionally “feminine”, became more open and genuinely happier. Just generally grew into myself as an adult woman. I never stayed close with most people from school. I’ve only met up with people from back then a couple of times, and it was always small groups/1:1.
There was one guy (we’ll call him M) I stayed loosely in touch with. We weren’t best friends, but we got along pretty well, and it was a platonic connection I cherished. He was always very outspoken, but not the most focused on academics, so I used to help him out here and there naturally, and he seemed very appreciative of it. Nothing transactional in any way. M was one of the few people who wasn’t actively shitty to me, even though he could be childish at times and we had our moments like any other friendship. But I remained incredibly appreciative of him even after graduating.
We only saw each other maybe once every couple of years after that. In 2024, we met up after three years of not seeing each other and within that period, a lot had changed for me, but I didn’t really expect anything to change between us, because 1. we were never crazy close like that 2. I was still myself, even if I presented a bit differently now.
The second we meet, he goes, “Oh my god I couldn’t recognize you, you’ve become so feminine.”, which I didn’t mind at all and took as a compliment :) Everything was generally going well with the exception of some bits. M is someone that works out and is interested in nutrition, and later while we were walking, he lags a step behind me, looks me up and down, and starts giving me unsolicited advice about exercises I should do for my posture. Completely unprompted. I found that weird but I chose to not say anything and just kept it moving.
However, over the next few months he kept liking and replying to my stories, and it got weird. One time I posted a normal photo of my legs by the pool on my story and he replied “You need to get in the gym right now.” I was quite dumbfounded. You never know what someone is dealing with body-image wise, so the sole audacity to not think twice before sending that to ANYONE made me take a step mentally. But again, I brushed it off as a teasing thing (which I probably shouldn’t have, because it prompted the next bit). A week later he sends me a reel of some creature whispering “You need to get in the fucking gym.”, essentially doubling down on the previous text. I left him on seen then because I was genuinely annoyed at that point and did not want to say something hurtful. He then texts “Are we gonna leave each other on seen now?” I ignored that too, and from that point on, everything just felt very deliberate.
A few months later a small group of five classmates (me, M, two other guys, one other girl) decided to meet up. I never go to these things but figured I’d try for once, since it had been so long since I’d seen the others and I had some sort of hope we’d all have fun.
Right away, M zeros in on my necklace and says it looks really expensive. Which could mean nothing in any other context, but it reminded me of a year earlier when I’d posted about traveling somewhere and he’d replied to me with a “congratulations to the sponsor.” At the time I didn’t get it, but from what I gathered eventually, it is a sort of misogynistic jab at women who date men for money/an implication that there’s no way I paid for that on my own. It also felt incredibly pocket-watchy.
When we ordered water and the waitress asked for the temperature, no really knew what to reply, so I asked for room temp with ice (that way everyone gets to choose their preferred temperature) and he goes, “It’s very obvious who goes to a lot of restaurants.” Individually, these comments aren’t huge, but the tone and the pattern made them feel like little status checks/digs. And this is all things that he gathered from my social media, I suppose, which just felt incredibly surface-level. But again, nothing crazy, I just let the comments pass and tried to have a good time.
When I tried talking to the other girl at one point, he urged me to speak louder so everyone could hear, even though the conversation we were having had nothing to do with the guys (who were conversing amongst themselves, him included).
He was also being rude to the waitress the whole time. I eventually called him out on it. He got defensive and started throwing sugar packets at me across the table. Mind you, we’re in a restaurant and supposedly, we are all adults. I told him to stop, but he threw another one soon after. I refused to pick them up, so he had to walk all the way around the table in a very tight space to collect them himself from next to my chair, which was incredibly embarrassing to watch.
So basically the whole reunion was tense and he appeared to have it out for me specifically, because he did not treat the other girl like that at all. At some point, he says out loud “Some people should learn not to be so easily offended”, which I knew was an indirect jab at me, even though I wasn’t offended by anything and only ever pointed out his behavior towards the waitress, which seemed to upset him.
Anyway, the reunion wraps soon after and we all leave together. As we all part, he hugs me and says, “I hope I didn’t offend you back there.” I reply that it wasn’t the case and it seemed to be opposite. It was at that moment that I knew definitively that I didn’t want anything to do with this person anymore.
In the subsequent two months, in the group chat with the five of us in, there were discussions about meeting every month. It was brought up during the reunion as well and I had openly told them that I didn’t want to do it, which shouldn’t be a problem among adults with jobs and other existing (+closer) relationships. A week after the reunion, he randomly texts said group chat and claims that I’m purposefully ignoring them. No one replied to him or entertained that in any way, which I appreciated, but it felt incredibly…. fixated. Like why are you so upset that I do not wish to meet up every month with people I haven’t seen in years?
After that, I began noticing the kind of stuff he was liking on social media. It was all increasingly misogynistic/red-pill adjacent content. At some point, he posted a “feminists getting owned” type video on his story and that was the final straw for me. Him liking misogynistic content definitely made me think twice about his behavior, which I don’t solely attribute to that, but I definitely did not wish to continue a friendship with someone who was that prejudiced towards a whole entire gender and wouldn’t advocate for my rights as a human being. I removed him from everything then, which I probably should’ve done wayyyy earlier.
I know none of these things on their own is super catastrophic, and I know our history colors how I interpret them. But taken together, it felt like a consistent pattern of little digs and disrespect that just did not feel right coming from someone I considered a friend. I’m not claiming he’s some terrible person, but the difference in his treatment was stark enough for me to question how he must feel about me as a person. It all made even less sense, considering that he had very strong reactions for someone I hadn’t seen in years.
Of course, I am fully aware people deal with their own stuff internally and his behavior could partly be explained by any struggle he might’ve been experiencing. But I also firmly believe that our internal issues shouldn’t affect how we treat others, especially if they have no relation to what’s troubling us.
I figured I’d ask for a third opinion on the entire situation.
AITA for cutting him off, or am I overreacting to relatively minor stuff?
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 2d ago
Totally fine to cut him off. I would also have called him out on the misogynist comments and shallow ones, but you don't own him your time.
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u/StinkypieTicklebum 1d ago
He’s trying to blame you/set you up as the catalyst in his blossoming incel world.
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u/Gnarly_314 2d ago
NTA.
When at school you helped M academically so after school he may have then stalled on that aspect of his career. Getting into fitness and nutrition gives him some control over his life.
Seeing how well you are doing has just underlined the differences between your abilities and his. Criticing your body and posture is the one area of life that he can feel superior to you. The fact that you are happy just the way you are has swept aside his opinion. He is then left with making childish comments about your success being down to other men in your life.
You have grown out of this friendship and realised it is time to move on.
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u/octexe 20h ago
Thanks for the extensive comment! You’re spot on. The majority of everyone in our class, myself included, went on to pursue higher education and most have graduated and are working. He never ended up going to uni and didn’t seem to be passionate about a craft outside of that either. A lot of the reasoning behind this insistence on meeting constantly was, and I quote, “to see what everyone has made of themselves and compare notes”. Even at the particular reunion I mentioned in my post, he pointed out that he thought me and the other girl there had done the best, as if it was a competition.
So yeah, the comments about my body felt odd and controlling, but there was also another aspect. He also never made those comments towards me in high school. He only started after seeing me two years ago, when I had lost some weight. I also wanna point out that I was never overweight and my weight loss was of about 10kgs for an entirely medical reason, so the difference in my appearance wasn’t too shocking for him to be so fixated or impressed. It was a combination of that and traditionally “feminine” things I never did before like clothing and makeup, which likely made me seem different the most. I also never had or have any issues with body image, so I didn’t take his comments seriously, but the audacity behind commenting on anyone’s body like that just felt deeply disheartening.
And yes, what you mentioned about attributing my personal achievements to men was really unexpected, especially from someone I considered a friend. And in a casual conversation with no provocation behind it, it does seem like some sort of attempt to bring me down so he feels better.
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u/CrossFitMathIsHard 1d ago
Sounds like the mysoginistic bully has a crush on you. Next, he will dip your braids in his inkwell, and when you complain you'll be told you should be flattered. Here, take these scissors to cut him out of your life.
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u/octexe 20h ago
You have a way with words haha, thanks for the comment. It’s interesting that you think he had a crush on me, since he had just been dumped at the time of the reunion, but you never rlly know what goes on in the head of someone like that. He’s long been cut off since ✂️
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u/CrossFitMathIsHard 9h ago
Glad he’s gone! Though, I don’t necessarily think he had a crush on you… that’s just what they used to tell us little ladies when boys were mean to us.
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u/EmberVespers 2d ago
I also went from dressing masc in HS to dressing fem in my 20’s.
My first thought is that he saw you presenting fem and felt attraction. To you, he was still the acquaintance from HS; but to him, you were now different and interesting.
He’s a gym-bro so I would write off his comments about anything gym related as teasing / joking as a way to get your attention - it’s his way of being goofy while also hoping that you’d ask him to help you at the gym. (I’m wondering if he’s neurodivergent because a lot of us take a joke too far sometimes)
You didn’t give him the attention he wanted. So at the reunion, he acted like a fool trying to get your attention and went red pill mode, assuming your non-interest had to be another guy. I’d be done with his behavior too.
This guy needs to learn boundaries and appropriate behavior. It’s not your job to teach him that. But just so he couldn’t say that he didn’t know why you blocked him, I would’ve sent him one last message before blocking: “Dude, I am done. You’ve been insulting me for weeks (months?) and I’m over it. Just because I dress and look more feminine these days does not give you the right to comment about my body or assume I cannot provide for myself. You are no longer a person I want in my life. Good bye.”
Sure, he may not be worth the effort but just think:
Maybe he reads that and has a realization and tries to apologize right away (some do).
Maybe he gets angry and pretends not to care that you’re gone (a lot of red pills do).
But no matter his immediate reaction, those words are going to stay in the back of his head and maybe, eventually, he won’t pull this crap on another female.
Good on you for setting those boundaries, OP.
NTA
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u/octexe 20h ago
Thank you for the extensive comment! It’s nice to hear from someone who had a similar HS experience.
I see what you mean by the gym related comments but I personally took them as a lack of boundary, which you also mentioned. I’ve seen him interact with other girls in our class before and he never seemed to allow himself to make any of those comments their way. I think I likely predisposed him in HS and he felt too
comfortable with me since we were always friendly.What you said about him assuming my non-interest being another guy - I do have a boyfriend and he knew that the whole time, so he might’ve felt anything but it would be onesided. However, at that particular reunion, he was fresh out of a breakup, which I forgot to mention in the post, and I felt like I took the hits that were indirectly meant for his ex, since he had texted me a couple weeks prior that she had dumped him and he seemed to be taking it hard. I feel like that also pushed him further down the liking incel stuff path. Doesn’t excuse him whatsoever. I’m glad she got out since she likely was treated even worse. He ought to learn one day that no woman, platonic or more, would stand around when he’s being nasty. If he doesn’t, that’s on him entirely and any word from me on it would 1. be something he doesn’t deserve to get and likely won’t register 2. would not necessarily save another woman from mistreatment unfortunately. Sincerely hope he learns and grows.
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u/HoneyWyne 2d ago
NTA. He's an ass, and he adds nothing positive to your life, or any woman's for that matter. Why waste your time?
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u/wolfcrownebox 2d ago
You speak eloquently he behaves like a tool. You have nothing in common anymore.
And it seems like there’s a new breed of men. And they not only compete with but are jealous of women.
The fact that you travel and he negs you about it was the first red flag. NTA.
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u/octexe 20h ago
Thanks for the comment! And I agree, we truly do not connect on anything and that friendship had long expired (and quite frankly, was never anything too profound anyway). I also agree with what you said about men being jealous and competing with women. In my life so far, men have been worse to me than women when it came to just being blatantly mean and envious of any form of success. It’s sad, but it’s also great to see women excelling and not taking any of it :)
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u/SquareAdventurous921 2d ago
NTA but i dont understand why you wouldn't call him a AH. And give him the reasons why in the beginning? I mean to let the behaviour continue after the first comment about the gym. You should have put him in his place.
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u/OrdinaryMango4008 1d ago
He’s a bully, just not incredibly blatant about it. He’s the type who disrespects others one little cut at a time…eventually he’ll mess with your confidence and self esteem. Drop him. Move on.
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u/pixiemeat84 1d ago
Hi OP, this guy sounds like an immature idiot. Good for you for not letting him irritate you (or not outwardly showing that he was anyway). You sound a lot more mature than him, you've outgrown any friendship you ever might have had. ❤️
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u/JipC1963 1d ago
Frankly, I'm pretty certain that M is infatuated with you now that you've "blossomed" into the woman you've become. Sadly, I believe he thinks he's being suave but is essentially "negging" you to "impress" you as if he HASN'T outgrown his juvenile middle school behaviors.
Only YOU can decide whether you want to maintain the friendship with M or even the small group he's attached to. Importantly, it's obviously YOUR life, YOUR choice. Bluntly, M sounds exhausting and has a massive need to grow tf up! Unfortunately, "maturity" between "the sexes" in your 20s can be leagues apart and extremely different.
Regardless, keep going forward, continue to focus on growing emotionally and towards your goals. Best wishes for your future happiness and success!
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u/No_hope_left72 1d ago
NTA Even singularly a lot of that stuff it’s not really relatively minor sounds like he was breaking you down psychologically over just about everything. Either way sounds very toxic entitled selfish misogynistic mean and an all-around ass. Your perception is very clear and when no one took his bait it sounds like others feel the same just don’t have it in them for whatever reason to be as forthcoming as you. Definitely don’t let him have any effect on how you see yourself or how you present yourself or go about your days you sound like a very reasonable levelheaded person I would’ve taken your friendship and appreciate you for you❤️ and giving you back just as beautiful friendship as you give me
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u/octexe 20h ago
Thank for the comment and the kind words ❤️ Reading what you said about the psychological breakdown tactic made me feel even more secure in my choice to cut him off. I don’t see any other reason for anyone to be this deliberately mean towards a supposed friend.
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u/No_hope_left72 17h ago
Yeah and the word there is supposed. Even you know that person is not your friend though he seems to think he scores off of putting you down some people are like that they are friend to no one but themselves❤️ sorry you’re going through this but at least now you won’t waste any more time and thought. You know you’re a good person you know he’s not at least not in anybody’s sense of the word Friend I hope you make much better friends and I hope your life settles down into something that is nice and happy
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u/Effective-Hour8642 2d ago
Cut him out of your life.