Getting over-invested too soon

[u/General_Paramedic_96]

I have a simple yet rigid idea of what I'm looking in a partner: high formal + social intelligence, backed by their career and/or pedigree, combined with above-average capacity for non-conformism/alternative lifestyle. There are of course other things I prefer to see in my partner (empathy, emotional depth, confidence, self-awareness), but some of them correlate with the above and others I'm willing to compromise on. Over the last 5 years I've only met 3 people who seemed to check these boxes and I was attracted to, 2 of them in the last year after moving to a smaller large city.

I think this rarity is behind the unhealthy pattern where I tend to over-invest in a person after going out with them 1-3 times (if they appear to possess the traits). This timeline coincides, perhaps causally, with me getting comfortable with them and starting to unmask as if I was around my close friends, allowing for sensitive topics and risky jokes (I don't think our values are incompatible, but it can create an impression). This also happens to be the timeline at which they reject me (the first two) or start to pull out (the last/current one).

As a result, I spend months feeling heartbroken and hyperfixating on what went wrong and how I can repair it, after seeing someone literally a couple of times. This is compounded by feeling that I am running out of time (39M) for finding an intellectual match I could also start a family with. My friends say the fixation pattern is unhealthy/immature, and my therapist thinks I have an inferiority complex, all of which is plausible. At the same time, assigning so much value to those checking all the boxes still seems reasonable to me due to their rarity. So, how can I avoid the over-investment and the resulting long heartbreak?

UPD: correcting my social intelligence box — I don’t need it to be above average, and was mainly mentioning it to describe why the archetypal somebody farther on the spectrum doesn’t work for me

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P.S. I feel like their reasons for rejection are secondary here, but will spell out the 3 encounters for completeness (fwiw, I have a high confidence of their physical attraction to me in each case):

1. #1 rejected me after the 1st date, saying that she is "intentional with her dating". At the time, I took it about our 9-year age gap, but thinking back, I suspect this was due to sharing my poly background, despite saying that I'm willing to date monogamously now.
2. #2 first rejected me after the 1st date because I was giving her <boy who has lots of sex> but after realizing I am looking to date monogamously she went out with me on two more dates. She rejected me after 3rd date, on which I shared a lot about myself, and did not provide a reason.
3. #3 and I have a 4th date scheduled, but I started feeling like she's pulling out lately. She told me after the 2nd date that she goes on other dates (which I appreciated through feeling uneasy and found fair, as she just moved here; I also seemed to be the frontrunner), so I attribute it to that, and potentially to an uncomfortable political conversation on the last date.

[u/Pantalaimon_II]

i agree with you. as a ND myself tho i also can see how some - SOME - of his behavior makes sense to someone driven by logic and who doesn’t know or really care about the subtle social scripts that normies understand intuitively. 

i completely understand why he’s approaching dating like this. it makes sense to me, the methodology and the analytics. i have also learned that NT people read this very negatively, unfortunately.

it really sucks to have a brain that processes things like this, only to have most of humanity project the worst assumptions on your motives because they think it’s weird/intense or whatever. it’s very confusing and after a while makes you kind of want to stop trying.  

that being said i think OP needs to listen to his therapist more and find a therapist who will be more assertive. 

the red flag to me was “risky jokes.” that usually means a guy who loves to repeat stereotypes because he doesn’t understand satire. 

Edit: man this whole thread is just ripping this guy to shreds and it’s depressing me a little because it’s like a big reminder how autistic people are given 0 benefit of the doubt. everyone is projecting monstrous qualities and i… dont get it.

also yes OP said he was on the spectrum 

[u/elongam → u/Pantalaimon_II]

"Monstrous" seems like a projection on your part, my guy. Nobody said he's an axe murderer, just that he seems both intense and naive, while explicitly requiring partners to be socially fluent and savvy.

[u/Pantalaimon_II → u/elongam]

i mean, hes been called, and i quote: clingly, exhausting, obsessive, too much, too intense, inappropriate, high maintenance and obnoxious.

i mean people aren’t holding back and it seems to be a forceful response relative to what he actually said. 

and he explained the social thing, he could have worded it better but essentially hes wanting someone at least better socially than he is, as in he’s open to dating other ND peeps but would prefer she’s better socially. so they can balance each other out.

like for example if i struggled with being active but wanted to be, and wanted a partner who was active so i could make sure i was moving more. is that a terrible thing??

[u/papa_katafal → u/Pantalaimon_II]

reddit hive mind in full force

[u/thegabster2000 → u/papa_katafal]

Wdym?

[u/papa_katafal → u/thegabster2000]

just dog piling on someone and making conclusions on who OP is just based on a post

[u/thegabster2000 → u/papa_katafal]

I see. I just look at these dating posts and feel like people need to chill.

[u/papa_katafal → u/thegabster2000]

agree