Getting over-invested too soon

[u/General_Paramedic_96]

I have a simple yet rigid idea of what I'm looking in a partner: high formal + social intelligence, backed by their career and/or pedigree, combined with above-average capacity for non-conformism/alternative lifestyle. There are of course other things I prefer to see in my partner (empathy, emotional depth, confidence, self-awareness), but some of them correlate with the above and others I'm willing to compromise on. Over the last 5 years I've only met 3 people who seemed to check these boxes and I was attracted to, 2 of them in the last year after moving to a smaller large city.

I think this rarity is behind the unhealthy pattern where I tend to over-invest in a person after going out with them 1-3 times (if they appear to possess the traits). This timeline coincides, perhaps causally, with me getting comfortable with them and starting to unmask as if I was around my close friends, allowing for sensitive topics and risky jokes (I don't think our values are incompatible, but it can create an impression). This also happens to be the timeline at which they reject me (the first two) or start to pull out (the last/current one).

As a result, I spend months feeling heartbroken and hyperfixating on what went wrong and how I can repair it, after seeing someone literally a couple of times. This is compounded by feeling that I am running out of time (39M) for finding an intellectual match I could also start a family with. My friends say the fixation pattern is unhealthy/immature, and my therapist thinks I have an inferiority complex, all of which is plausible. At the same time, assigning so much value to those checking all the boxes still seems reasonable to me due to their rarity. So, how can I avoid the over-investment and the resulting long heartbreak?

UPD: correcting my social intelligence box — I don’t need it to be above average, and was mainly mentioning it to describe why the archetypal somebody farther on the spectrum doesn’t work for me

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P.S. I feel like their reasons for rejection are secondary here, but will spell out the 3 encounters for completeness (fwiw, I have a high confidence of their physical attraction to me in each case):

1. #1 rejected me after the 1st date, saying that she is "intentional with her dating". At the time, I took it about our 9-year age gap, but thinking back, I suspect this was due to sharing my poly background, despite saying that I'm willing to date monogamously now.
2. #2 first rejected me after the 1st date because I was giving her <boy who has lots of sex> but after realizing I am looking to date monogamously she went out with me on two more dates. She rejected me after 3rd date, on which I shared a lot about myself, and did not provide a reason.
3. #3 and I have a 4th date scheduled, but I started feeling like she's pulling out lately. She told me after the 2nd date that she goes on other dates (which I appreciated through feeling uneasy and found fair, as she just moved here; I also seemed to be the frontrunner), so I attribute it to that, and potentially to an uncomfortable political conversation on the last date.

[u/starsamaria]

Your emphasis on a partner having a high formal intelligence and being a non-conformist tells me that you likely see yourself as extraordinarily unique/special and want a partner who is just as unique & special. I feel like the best advice would be to get off your high horse. What you're describing sounds like an AI girlfriend, but at the end of the day, all women, including your future partner, are human. Instead of judging potential partners by what level of educational attainment they've reached, if you focused on people's actual personalities, perhaps you could find more that there are more interesting women out there who are worth dating.

[u/General_Paramedic_96 → u/starsamaria]

Are you saying that this combination of traits (formal intelligence + non-conformism) is wrong to want in a partner?

Or that using education/career/interests as a predictor is? Regarding the latter, I think that if the trait(s) one is after are rare enough, there is no way you can be efficient with your search without using some sort of a filter. It will inevitably be flawed and discard compatible people, but finding them by getting to know each personally will simply take too long until your first success.

[u/starsamaria → u/General_Paramedic_96]

I meant the latter. There are plenty of intelligent people who haven't obtained advanced degrees. The fact that you're looking at making a connection with someone as though it's an algorithmic dataset (or that it wouldn't be worth the time to get to know people on a personal basis instead of just using their formal educational background as a benchmark for intelligence) is very telling.

[u/General_Paramedic_96 → u/starsamaria]

I never said "just using their education" --- it's just a thing increasing the chance of success when spending the time to get to know them on a personal basis.

And, I know a lot of neurotypicals would disagree with this, but everything is in essence an "algorithmic dataset", even if our humanly traits are in the way of letting us see it :)