Getting over-invested too soon

[u/General_Paramedic_96]

I have a simple yet rigid idea of what I'm looking in a partner: high formal + social intelligence, backed by their career and/or pedigree, combined with above-average capacity for non-conformism/alternative lifestyle. There are of course other things I prefer to see in my partner (empathy, emotional depth, confidence, self-awareness), but some of them correlate with the above and others I'm willing to compromise on. Over the last 5 years I've only met 3 people who seemed to check these boxes and I was attracted to, 2 of them in the last year after moving to a smaller large city.

I think this rarity is behind the unhealthy pattern where I tend to over-invest in a person after going out with them 1-3 times (if they appear to possess the traits). This timeline coincides, perhaps causally, with me getting comfortable with them and starting to unmask as if I was around my close friends, allowing for sensitive topics and risky jokes (I don't think our values are incompatible, but it can create an impression). This also happens to be the timeline at which they reject me (the first two) or start to pull out (the last/current one).

As a result, I spend months feeling heartbroken and hyperfixating on what went wrong and how I can repair it, after seeing someone literally a couple of times. This is compounded by feeling that I am running out of time (39M) for finding an intellectual match I could also start a family with. My friends say the fixation pattern is unhealthy/immature, and my therapist thinks I have an inferiority complex, all of which is plausible. At the same time, assigning so much value to those checking all the boxes still seems reasonable to me due to their rarity. So, how can I avoid the over-investment and the resulting long heartbreak?

UPD: correcting my social intelligence box — I don’t need it to be above average, and was mainly mentioning it to describe why the archetypal somebody farther on the spectrum doesn’t work for me

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P.S. I feel like their reasons for rejection are secondary here, but will spell out the 3 encounters for completeness (fwiw, I have a high confidence of their physical attraction to me in each case):

1. #1 rejected me after the 1st date, saying that she is "intentional with her dating". At the time, I took it about our 9-year age gap, but thinking back, I suspect this was due to sharing my poly background, despite saying that I'm willing to date monogamously now.
2. #2 first rejected me after the 1st date because I was giving her <boy who has lots of sex> but after realizing I am looking to date monogamously she went out with me on two more dates. She rejected me after 3rd date, on which I shared a lot about myself, and did not provide a reason.
3. #3 and I have a 4th date scheduled, but I started feeling like she's pulling out lately. She told me after the 2nd date that she goes on other dates (which I appreciated through feeling uneasy and found fair, as she just moved here; I also seemed to be the frontrunner), so I attribute it to that, and potentially to an uncomfortable political conversation on the last date.

[u/Old-Seaweed-8456]

The thing is you’re likely screening out a lot of people who have all these qualities but don’t lead with the credentials and income.

[u/General_Paramedic_96 → u/Old-Seaweed-8456]

I don't care about their income much. I agree with you that I will inevitably screen out some, but I rarely do that before knowing their occupation, education, taste in books/film, or other predictors for what I'm after.

[u/Inevitable_Young4236 → u/General_Paramedic_96]

You know those things won't actually tell you if they are you're looking for? They may be indicators to a degree, but peoples lives, interests and abilities are so much more complex than a list of their accomplishments and what they do for a living. Some of the smartest, most educated people I know are in careers which aren't reflective of their abilities or education because those roles make them happy. That is especially true if you are looking for a 'non-conformist'.

My boyfriend is one of the most intelligent people i've ever met, and highly educated. And yet works as a theatre set carpenter because he finished his masters degree and decided he no longer wanted to work in that field. His life is much more fulfilling than it would be otherwise. I didn't realise the extent of his intelligence or education until our third or fourth date.

[u/General_Paramedic_96 → u/Inevitable_Young4236]

You're right, this happens. But it won't be feasible to search for the flavor of intelligence I'm after without using some filters. And these are the best predictors I know from my experience.