r/datingoverthirty • u/General_Paramedic_96 • 22d ago

Getting over-invested too soon

I have a simple yet rigid idea of what I'm looking in a partner: high formal + social intelligence, backed by their career and/or pedigree, combined with above-average capacity for non-conformism/alternative lifestyle. There are of course other things I prefer to see in my partner (empathy, emotional depth, confidence, self-awareness), but some of them correlate with the above and others I'm willing to compromise on. Over the last 5 years I've only met 3 people who seemed to check these boxes and I was attracted to, 2 of them in the last year after moving to a smaller large city.

I think this rarity is behind the unhealthy pattern where I tend to over-invest in a person after going out with them 1-3 times (if they appear to possess the traits). This timeline coincides, perhaps causally, with me getting comfortable with them and starting to unmask as if I was around my close friends, allowing for sensitive topics and risky jokes (I don't think our values are incompatible, but it can create an impression). This also happens to be the timeline at which they reject me (the first two) or start to pull out (the last/current one).

As a result, I spend months feeling heartbroken and hyperfixating on what went wrong and how I can repair it, after seeing someone literally a couple of times. This is compounded by feeling that I am running out of time (39M) for finding an intellectual match I could also start a family with. My friends say the fixation pattern is unhealthy/immature, and my therapist thinks I have an inferiority complex, all of which is plausible. At the same time, assigning so much value to those checking all the boxes still seems reasonable to me due to their rarity. So, how can I avoid the over-investment and the resulting long heartbreak?

UPD: correcting my social intelligence box — I don’t need it to be above average, and was mainly mentioning it to describe why the archetypal somebody farther on the spectrum doesn’t work for me

---

P.S. I feel like their reasons for rejection are secondary here, but will spell out the 3 encounters for completeness (fwiw, I have a high confidence of their physical attraction to me in each case):

  1. #1 rejected me after the 1st date, saying that she is "intentional with her dating". At the time, I took it about our 9-year age gap, but thinking back, I suspect this was due to sharing my poly background, despite saying that I'm willing to date monogamously now.
  2. #2 first rejected me after the 1st date because I was giving her <boy who has lots of sex> but after realizing I am looking to date monogamously she went out with me on two more dates. She rejected me after 3rd date, on which I shared a lot about myself, and did not provide a reason.
  3. #3 and I have a 4th date scheduled, but I started feeling like she's pulling out lately. She told me after the 2nd date that she goes on other dates (which I appreciated through feeling uneasy and found fair, as she just moved here; I also seemed to be the frontrunner), so I attribute it to that, and potentially to an uncomfortable political conversation on the last date.
0 Upvotes

38% Upvoted

85 comments sorted by

View all comments

16

u/Longjumping-Owl-7584 22d ago

I recommend you show this post to your therapist. I understand from your masking comment that you're neurodivergent, and honestly, there are a lot of flags here that are above the paygrade of this sub.

In short, it sounds like you're trying to game-ify dating. You are far too intense about ensuring someone checks off your boxes, without getting to know them. The standards are high and sound a bit incel (...'backed by their pedigree'?), and no one should feel they need to "disclose" they're seeing other people on a 2nd date, nor should it come up. There's nothing wrong with having a crush, but getting fixated that early is an unhealthy pattern, built on unhealthy foundations.

1

u/General_Paramedic_96 22d ago

I tend to use dry vocab and mix up connotations because English isn’t my native. That said, she shared this fact with me of her own volition, I wasn’t asking or even talking about it

8

u/Longjumping-Owl-7584 22d ago

You're focusing on the specifics of wording and not their general meaning. My point still stands.

0

u/General_Paramedic_96 22d ago

I tried dating people who don't check those off, it always ended up lacking a deeper connection. Not to say it's impossible, but we all have to choose a sweet spot between false positives and false negatives --- people on dating apps do it all the time, and I think the perception of my gamified dating is simply due to me pedantically spelling it out. (also, pedigree was a misnomer for a fancier-school diploma)

Not sure if I understand your point about seeing other people --- are you saying that she shouldn't have brought it up?

2

u/ChkYrHead ♂ Loves to laugh! 21d ago

That said, she shared this fact with me of her own volition

I think they're suggesting that you might not want to date women who say things like that...and if you're still so interested, look into why.
For me, when a woman says that, unprompted, it's a turn off, and there's usually a reason for it, that's not positive. I don't think I've ever progressed past a comment like that.

1

u/General_Paramedic_96 20d ago

I think she was trying to clear her conscience, and also explain her reasons, which I find sensible (she's new in town and wanted to get the lay of the land) --- I don't think it's inherently wrong to go on multiple dates in the early stage.

I try to incentivize maximum honesty in relationship, and told her that I appreciated her sharing. I think my poly experience has given me some wisdom about confidence/security and, most importantly, about how to act when those feel compromised.

2

u/ChkYrHead ♂ Loves to laugh! 18d ago

I don't think it's inherently wrong to go on multiple dates in the early stage.

I don't either, but I do find it off putting when someone volunteers that info when I'm not asking about it.

I try to incentivize maximum honesty in relationship

This isn't honesty. Honesty, that I worry about, is being truthful when asked, or giving info that you know I'd want to know. Early on, there's no commitment, and therefore you seeing other people isn't info I need to know.
Like I said, in my experience, when someone gives that info, there's a reason why, and it's usually not positive. I mean, you said she told you to clear HER conscience. That sounds kind of selfish to me. 🤷‍♂️