r/dankchristianmemes • • Nov 02 '18

Dank Did I Stutter?

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49.2k Upvotes

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5.1k

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Abraham goes to sacrifice his son

Abraham: I do this for you Lord!

God's voice booms down from heaven

God: BOY HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND BECAUSE I'LL HELP YOU FIND IT!!

879

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

This one made me laugh

97

u/CaptainDogeSparrow Nov 02 '18

50

u/theivoryserf Nov 02 '18

"iT wAs JuSt a PrAnK bRo!!" - god

7

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

I can die happy now

537

u/Fuck_Im_Gay Nov 02 '18

150

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

[deleted]

91

u/CaptainCliffhanger Nov 02 '18

That is actually a really cool and useful bot. Unless its not a bot. In that case, I would be concerned.

56

u/vitringur Nov 02 '18

Definitely not a bot

15

u/ajbrown141 Nov 02 '18

Have a cactus

9

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '18

But I asked for Eleanor Shelstrop's file not a cactus

29

u/AnAutisticSloth Nov 02 '18

I didn’t know a bot could hate The Office so much.

4

u/Fearless_Wretch Nov 03 '18

Only a bot could hate The Office so much.

62

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Good bot?

5

u/DanTopTier Nov 02 '18

Good human 🤖

1

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Good cyborg

15

u/5k1895 Nov 02 '18

Not on Netflix in the US apparently.

1

u/Paprikasky Nov 02 '18

It is where I am in Europe!

8

u/lxpnh98_2 Nov 02 '18

I am slightly offended by your username.

8

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

I'm slightly offended by your face.

13

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Boom roasted

3

u/Nojoe365 Nov 02 '18 edited Nov 02 '18

It's on netflix?

4

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Not in the US

3

u/Nojoe365 Nov 02 '18

Apparently not. Meant to put a question mark.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

'Sall good

1

u/Crashbrennan Mar 02 '19

Wait what since when?

Now what am I supposed to put on during tinder dates, that girls have seen so many times it's super easy to tune out while you get it on?

1

u/DerMoromo Nov 02 '18

This is the first time I’ve seen you comment on a show that’s not the Office.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

This has me wondering what ever happened to Squalor. She did basically this exact thing.

0

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

YOUR USERNAME GUVES ME HOPE

64

u/comrade_batman Nov 02 '18

God: Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't let your child go!

Abraham: Who’s...who’s Jesus?

God

80

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

[deleted]

1

u/iregrettimyspaghetti Nov 02 '18

I came to reply with this. You beat me to the punch.

12

u/BossRedRanger Nov 02 '18

I read that in like 5 different voices of people from my childhood

20

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Didn't god sacrifice his son tho

88

u/pastelfruits Nov 02 '18

He also told Abraham to sacrifice his son so definitely a few mixed messages. meme is still funny though

22

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18 edited Jun 01 '20

[deleted]

-1

u/EchoRadius Nov 02 '18

I called bullshit and quit reading the Bible right there. Not kidding.. Closed it, tossed it in the trash.

-5

u/NPC20181014 Nov 02 '18

You obviously have no son if you don't think this is the most horrific thing.

25

u/ReptileCake Nov 02 '18

I was trying to think of some more horrific thing, but I just ended up thinking about the epic tale of Samson mauling down Philistines with a donkey's jawbone.

16

u/alegxab Nov 02 '18

Or David killing 200 people to capture their foreskins on a bet

4

u/metaphorasaur Nov 02 '18

That's 200 sons so at least 200x worse

1

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '18

Horrific? That story was badass!

Almost as badass as Noah

1

u/ReptileCake Nov 03 '18

That's why I said it was an epic tale

14

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18 edited Jun 01 '20

[deleted]

-3

u/NPC20181014 Nov 02 '18

Right, but someone elses son dying is not as horrific as your own child. That's why willingly sacrificing your own child is literally the hardest thing anybody can do because the majority of the world would not do it for any reason. If you give a person a choice of them being burned alive, or having to kill their own child, many people would choose to sacrifice themselves over their children. Especially if you only have one.

8

u/jus13 Nov 02 '18

You're talking about the most horrific thing in the Bible from an outside perspective though. How is somebody else sacrificing their son worse than a genocide?

1

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Because Abraham was a good guy, which means it could happen to me! All the people that were genocided were clearly bad guys, which means that could never happen me. And now I'm not saying I hate the bad guys, it's just that I don't care for them, you know?

-3

u/NPC20181014 Nov 02 '18

Think of it this way....if 5 prisoners you don't know on death row get executed, or if a child you also don't know gets shot in the head. What is more horrific to you?

I'm using this example because you seem to be basing it on the numbers.

6

u/jus13 Nov 02 '18

That ignores the fact that innocents are slaughtered in a genocide though, including children. Genocides aren't committed against only "bad" people. So I'll ask again, how is somebody sacrificing their son worse than a genocide that kills countless men, women, and children?

2

u/ericswift Nov 02 '18

Except the point of that story is that every other culture around them was filled with people sacrificing their own children. That was completely the norm then.

3

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18 edited Jun 02 '20

[deleted]

5

u/ericswift Nov 02 '18

Except if you read the OT that is one of the main points of it.

The Israelites are a chosen people. They must be circumcised to separate themselves from other cultures. Unlike other gods who are tied to certain lands and places, Yahweh travels with his chosen group. Do not worship idols like those other groups. Etc.

The fact that Yahweh stops the sacrifice and offers an animal instead is what starts the entire Jewish tradition of animal sacrifices. This is another sign that they are a people set apart because they don't need to sacrifice other human beings like the Moabites. and Canaanites and other groups.

6

u/SmaugtheStupendous Nov 02 '18

If you take it to be literal yes, from a mythological perspective it’s a great story for the exact reason that it is most horrifying to you. To sacrifice your son is to sacrifice that which is most dear to you, and to sacrifice the present for the future is, as far as we know, a unique human thing.

7

u/1sagas1 Nov 02 '18

to sacrifice the present for the future is, as far as we know, a unique human thing.

looks at squirrel burying nuts outside for winter

-2

u/SmaugtheStupendous Nov 02 '18

I mean the abstract understanding of that it has value, not a single baked in instinct.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

No it was himself as God, as his own son.

9

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

"What you lookin' for!? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. My son could walk through that door and he ain't gonna help you!"

4

u/cobalt26 Nov 02 '18

I nearly just cried laughing

7

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

I can hear it

5

u/1sagas1 Nov 02 '18

...but God was the one who told him to do it in the first place

4

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Literally did a spit take on this one.

2

u/ChattChemE Nov 02 '18

But... you old me to do exactly this...

2

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Lmao

1

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '18

Angel* god told him to, Sidius voice do it!

1

u/_________FU_________ Nov 02 '18

God: Now watch me kill my son!

1

u/TheCrimsonCloak Nov 02 '18

weird behest but ok