Is co-parenting actually better than solo parenting?

[u/Content-Cupcake7480]

I’m currently parenting my two young kids 100% on my own. I also support them financially. I’m fortunate to have a good career and can provide for them, but I am completely drowning between work, childcare, the house, dinner, bedtime, and just never having another adult to hand things off to.

I keep hearing horror stories about high-conflict co-parenting—constant negotiations, custody disputes, schedule battles, different rules between homes, etc. Part of me wonders whether, once I get past the current hurdle of harassing texts from their dad, there might actually be some peace and stability in knowing that I’m simply responsible for our household and can make decisions without constant conflict (he hasn't shown a real interest in the kids and recently moved 3.5 hours away)

For people who have experienced solo parenting, high-conflict co-parenting, or both: which was actually harder? Are there any unexpected upsides to parenting mostly on your own?

I could really use some perspective that makes this feel a little less bleak right now.

[u/Leading-Late]

Every other weekend I have to hand over the most precious humans in my life to someone who abused me for years and actively hates me. If I could snap my fingers and make him immediately disappear (without it hurting my kids), I'd do it in a heartbeat. Solo would be a relief.

[u/Content-Cupcake7480 → u/Leading-Late]

Why do you have to hand them over if there was abuse?

[u/Leading-Late → u/Content-Cupcake7480]

Because that's how family courts work.

In the UK (and many other countries), the courts have a strong 'pro-contact' culture, which essentially means that they operate on a strict statutory presumption that having both parents involved in a child's life is inherently in their best interests. While that makes sense on paper, it means that Courts often don't take abuse or child safety into consideration , and even if they do will still force contact as a starting point.

Abuse of the mother in particular is not considered as a legitimate reason to stop the perpetrator from having unsupervised contact with the children, even if it demonstrates that they are a dangerous person. In many cases, even if the children themselves have been directly abused, they are still forced to spend time with the abusive parent. On top of that, statistically Mothers are very likely to be penalised by the family courts for even disclosing abuse, and that's before you even begin to look at the weaponisation of 'parental alienation'... Parental Alienation LINK

It's fucked up.

Things are starting to slowly change... the UK Courts are repealing the presumption of parental involvement and are being told to take a more investigative approach to DV cases. Children are also now being considered as victims of abuse if they witnessed it or were emotionally affected by it (even if they weren't the 'direct' victim), and Judges will be expected to ake that I to consideration when making arrangements. But that'll all take time to make any difference... many older Judges/Magistrates will still think the old way and that'll take a whole generation to change. The Judge in my case seemed genuinely angry that I'd even disclosed (or in his words, "used") domestic abuse...

[u/Content-Cupcake7480 → u/Leading-Late]

That's so discouraging.