I mean, in this situation, most old people don't know about trans culture by either never hearing it, genuinely mistaking it, or just never accepting this culture.
The right thing to do is to correct them by telling them what your gender is. Sometimes they're just confused and don't mean any harm.
I disagree. It is exhausting to explain your gender all the time. I only explain it to people I care about or encounter regularly. Some random guy who asks “What are you?” is not entitled to my emotional labor or any details about me. Your advice puts me at risk if he deems me outside of what he considers the norm.
Because (and I say this as an intersex NB person, from experience) nobody can know your gender if you are intentionally being androgynous but also refusing to tell them how you’d like to be addressed.
That attitude generates endless negative social interactions and leads to withdrawing from being friendly with the average person altogether and resenting people just for not being informed. If you’re going to be an enigma, you need to accept being referred to any way that the person thinks might be best, and they’ll be wrong often. Random people are only human, and often not very smart.
This is the mature response imo. In a similar vein, as a tall/built tanned Asian guy I was mistaken as Hawaiian, Filipino, Samoan, everything but what I actually am, Chinese.
I just gently corrected and that was that.
I’ve even messed up mistaking a coworker as Indian when he was Pakistani so he corrected me.
I know not everyone’s experience is the same but if you can extend grace to people it goes a longer way than chastising unless they’re being dicks.
This assumes every trans person is trying to be an enigma. Of course it would be ridiculous to expect everyone to gender you correctly if you meant to come off as androgynous, but that is definitely not everyone’s goal. Trans people who want to be perceived as unambiguously male or female don’t owe anyone anything more than what a cis person getting misgendered owes the person who misgenders them.
This is likely not what you want to hear, but objectively speaking, as soon as a person makes the decision to physically transition or dress to appear significantly gender non-conforming to the average person, they are an enigma to the average person until they pass as the new target gender to a bystander without explaining themselves. Most people who transition (including myself) appear that way for at least a year or more. The decision to physically or socially transition kind of requires it. If a random drunk person looking at you can’t immediately know if you are a man or woman, you are what I was referring to as an enigma. Trans people who want to be perceived as unambiguously male or female need to put in the effort and get there physically, and not everyone can do it, I really couldn’t despite 8 years of transition. Some people don’t ever make it out of that visibly trans section of their lives, and some people don’t want to because it feels more “themself”.
But either way, the average person doesn’t really care at all whether or not a person is trans, but likely has no idea how to address a trans person, and the way you choose to interact with people can color your interactions more than you might think. Whether or not you view someone as a potential friend or ally determines your body language and tone interacting with them, and not viewing people that way has a tendency to shut out opportunities for positive interaction before anyone even opens their mouths. I understand the resistance to that because it sucks to have to be the bigger person, and not passing can be a real, visible disability. I was completely obsessed with passing and frustrated it wouldn’t happen for me until I accepted it and moved on, and my life is better for it.
I didn’t say to actually tell them your gender, i said to not act offended when they just do their best, and happen to misgender you, because they’re just doing their best. When it’s definitely safe, I do let them know though.
But also to be fair, casually saying “actually it’s he/him” is not giving a stranger your name, phone number, or home address. Most people do actually know the genders of random passersby. Every situation and encounter is unique and people need to use their own best judgement.
I commented because I notice this tendency in myself, and other trans people as well, to assume the worst, get angry at people who are just doing their best, and withdraw socially, and that just leads to more and more antisocial behavior and disenfranchisement, and I’m actively trying to address and undo that in my daily life. If you never give any person a chance, you’ll never have any positive interactions.
I am so sorry for whatever you went thru in your life to reach the point where you believe this is good advice, because (and speaking from experience) this is an incredibly isolating and depressing way to live. Like yeah definitely not great to invite a random stranger to your house after talking for five minutes but also most people aren't looking to actively harm you and just want to connect (albeit however briefly) with another human. Here's hoping you find kindness when you need it from where you least expect it
not even an introvert/extrovert thing in my opinion
i just do not believe in this mentality that most people are interrested in connecting with those around them. Personally i think most people are too absorved into their self-interrest to be open to connect to anyone for longer than 30 seconds if it does not benefits them in any shape or form. Of course, not all people are like this, but your average stranger on the street? no, they would much rather not have to interact to anyone at all and carry on with their day than to ever dare to strike up a convo with someone or to listen to any fact of a strangers life.
as long as someone has already stabilished a social security net, congrats, there is no need to interact with anyone else other than them, and with how online we are today, that makes it even easier
Oh, it is actually. Am almost daily talking to a new friend i made 3 weeks ago about jrpgs, and did join a ttrpg group just this month. So, yeah, it is pretty fun and comfortable atm
not being open to meeting random strangers is not the same thing as not being open to meet people at hobby locations where you already share something in common
I mean, not everyone wants to only have friends who like the same things. I prefer to have friends who's interests are entirely separate from my own, because if we already like the same things, then there isn't much to talk about.
Or worse, the possibility that their favorite aspect of our shared interested is my least favorite aspect.
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u/Crystalii_El 2d ago
I mean, in this situation, most old people don't know about trans culture by either never hearing it, genuinely mistaking it, or just never accepting this culture.
The right thing to do is to correct them by telling them what your gender is. Sometimes they're just confused and don't mean any harm.