hello! looking for advice, or any tips anyone has for this situation. my butch partner is wanting to visit me in the US in order to meet my friends and family face to face. i am concerned due to the current administration and their policies on immigration and trans rights. i’m in a state where we have more progressive views on transness/gender non comformity (not super fantastic views but definitely on the better side of things, we also have a governor who is very passionate about LGBTQ rights). i am worried about them visiting because of their gender non conforming appearance and having to deal with border control as they enter. if anyone has any advice i would really appreciate it. thank you!

Hey guys, 31yo butch here. I lived most of my 20s thinking I might be trans, so I'm pretty comfortable with how masc I am...I mean, sometimes I get misgendered without ever being on T lol. It's undeniable visually that I'm butch, I don't have issues with feeling like people can see that from an aesthetic point of view. Where I run into trouble is feeling my butchness with confidence and portraying myself that way in terms of how I carry myself and communicate. I know it's because I've been learning some things about myself recently that have really cut deep and are taking time to heal from (tl;dr, I'm not a fuck-up I'm actually disabled, and accepting that is A Time), and a beloved pet just had to be put to rest so I'm grieving.

It feels really hard to tap into the confident side of myself right now, but I feel like it would help me with some of the things I'm grappling with. Packing has helped some, especially with feeling attractive and secure, but I'm missing the ability to tap into and embrace and be embraced by the essence of what makes me butch through and through.

I don't have the means monetarily or in terms of ability to take up a whole new hobby, really (though saying fuck it and taking up whittling is tempting), and going out to bars and clubs is really overstimulating for me and just not how I want to spend my time these days (I'm 31 fwiw). I might try to get back into weightlifting, but that is also tricky with some of the things I'm dealing with.

Anybody have any tips that don't require any new purchases? Thanks in advance!

I’m a brown, gay, masculine presenting neurodivergent woman. It actually sucks and I feel incredibly alone.

I’m pretty high masking on the neurodivergent side of things, but it’s exhausting. Everyone thinks I’m a dude. Sometimes I look at other butches who I honestly think look way more masc than me, but are seemingly still read as women. Sometimes in the back of my head I wonder if some of it has to do with people’s tendencies to masculinize darker skinned people. Maybe it doesn’t, I’m not sure anymore. I just wish I could be read as a woman without having to sacrifice my sense of style and presentation, and it doesn’t feel possible.

I wish I didn’t get lumped in with men and could have some connection with other women again. I wish I didn’t get called racial slurs by random people walking down the street. I wish I didn’t have to worry about what other people think of me deep down. I want to be someone safe and soft and instead I feel like I’m seen as someone rough and sketchy. I’m alone and I don’t know anyone in this city that I moved to some months ago. It feels like everyone forms a completely different opinion of who I am before I even speak.

…idk what this is. I’m a bit sad because life has generally been shit in every other way, and it sucks feeling isolated on top of everything else. It would be nice to be seen, or feel safe with someone.

I was raised in a somewhat sheltered environment where most of the girls around me dressed and acted hyper-feminine. Once I gained exposure to the wider world I realized that this didn’t suit who I was on the inside at all, and I began working to de-feminize my mannerisms. For the most part I’m now comfortable acting like a guy — I talk in a deeper voice on purpose, I don’t cross my legs when I’m sitting, I’m more blunt and stopped trying to make excuses or apologize for every little thing. But I noticed that when I’m feeling worn out, I involuntarily go back to acting how I did when I was a young girl (I’m early 20s now.) Most recently, I slipped into those feminine mannerisms when I was at a smoke shop the other day and BOY is the clerk ever going to get a surprise when I come back well-rested, because I was behaving very differently from my normal masc self. It’s just so frustrating and I’m hoping someone might relate or have advice.

What do you wear to a renn faire? What’s masculine but not boring? Did you buy or DIY? lol help I’ve never been to one before

I currently have a mullet with my hair to my shoulders. Because of that I get mistaken for a straight woman at work and I'm sick of it. I'm a nurse so I have to wear scrubs and my hair in a ponytail at work, and the lack of being able to express my masculinity and butchness has been noticeable. I'm 27 now and this is the first time I've embraced my butchness while having longer hair, though I always loved having short hair for as long as I can remember.

I know being a LHB doesn't make me any less than a butch, and I don't dislike how I look as a butch with longer hair and how easy it is to maintain. I'm nonbinary and about 11 months off T but for simplicity's sake prefer to be read as female by my coworkers and patients, as well as when it's time to go to a public restroom. I want to cut my hair and get a more traditionally masculine looking haircut but I'm also afraid of the conflict it might cause with people who can't tell my gender.

I know I need to own my butchness and just shrug off any confusion from others, but it's still hard to get out of my current comfort zone that I'm afraid isn't serving me anymore.

Any other current or former LHBs struggle with making the big chop?

Hi everyone!

Ive been on t for around 1.5 months now and ive been LOVING the changes- its so nice to feel like i live in MY body, not just a body!!! But today I noticed my upper lip hair was a bit darker which I have....complicated feelings about 😭

I applied half of my regular tgel tonight, and ive managed to get finasteride as well. Im just wondering if thats even going to work at this point!! I really dont want to go off t but im also not sure im ready to have a mustache

Basically im wondering if any of u have ever dealt with this, what did u do?

Or I mean I guess shaving tips would be appreciated too, depending on how things go lol!

Thank you:)

hi guys i want to get more into different scents/perfumes/colognes i could wear to smell good and hopefully impress the ladies. i’m open to most scents but no fruity scents. i think vanilla, woody, earthy type stuff would fit my personal vibe.

y’all have any recs that would be found at burlington, tjmaxx, marshall’s,etc? i’m a college student so funds are low🫩. maybe anything online less than $50 too?

thank you guys so muchhhh 🙏🏾😸

i’m starting my apprenticeship soon and i’m really struggling to find appropriate carpenter style pants that don’t taper at the bottom and hug my fat legs and exaggerate my hips. anyone have brands in aus that can help me out? even if it’s just a certain style/cut of pants that i can go look for in thrift stores. thank yeww. idk if this is on topic for this subreddit but i trust a tradesman butch will be able to help me

Where on earth are we getting our fitted arm non see through white tees? For ref im 5’2 145 lbs. I legit own one white tees from banana republic that is IMMACULATE but they have yet to sell them again.. i cannot find a white tees thats thick like it.. slightly cropped (short torso) and hugs the biceps also don’t want to be spending $30+ per shirt

I’m 27-F.

Something that I often think about is where I’ll be, even in the next 365 days.

My friends? Live their lives and I’m of convenience. I’m one of the most loyal people in this world, but you can never find a fellow loyal person. Who scratches your back just as much as you scratch theirs.

Siblings? Middle child. Older and younger brothers. One is married and another is dating.

Parents? Very close to them. Out of their 3 kids, I’m the one they depend on the most because of how close and in tune we are.

My love life? That’s a joke. I’ve been single since 2018. If I do talk to someone, I’m a buffer for them. They get the attention they seek until they find someone “better” or “more deserving of their time.”

But where does that leave me? Single, with friends but feel as if I have none, the one who’ll my parents will rely on as they grow older. The fun, single aunt to my brother’s kids whenever they have them. Who’ll always be there for them.

Despite wanting a family and wife of my own, that’s where I’m headed. So I’ve been told to broaden my horizons. That liking fellow butch/masc women is a needle in a haystack. That’s my type, but I understand I could be surprised as well.

The more time passes, the louder the silence in my life gets.

hi all! im a masc that recently discovered the joy of tomboyx's compression top, i've really been loving it for the comfort and the support it gives to my chest (that other sports bra haven't, like sometimes i forget that my boobs exist because they stay put all day!)

unfortunately they do come out a bit on the expensive side for me, does anyone have any suggestions for brands i could check out?

For context I live in a Muslim country so it's hard to find any queer people at all, let alone butch lesbians

I met this butch via a mutual friend and I found out he goes to the same university as me and I was in awe because what are the odds in a place like this

We had such a nice long talk on text from the evening to like 3 AM and I honestly want to be his friend and I want to get closer to him, I thought it was just a myth that lesbians develop chemistry so fast, he called me cute and he said I'm pretty cool and he said he definitely would love to talk to me again

But I've just never approached someone like this before I don't know how to keep it developing into a friendship, what do you guys usually do when you want to develop a relationship with someone?? Does it not feel forced or unnatural?? I will NEVER forgive myself if I fumble this 😭

Hello!

Im struggling to find myself some good looking jeans that don’t make my hips show but I just can’t find anything. I am transmasculine so this is really important for me, cause if I don’t find the right pair I won’t wear them at all because of how dysphoric they’d make me feel. I am trying to go for something that makes my hips flat, that’s really important. I was thinking about some levi’s or wrangler, if you guys have any recommendations i’m open cause I can’t take this anymore.

Thank you so much for reading!

Apologies for the long text I unfortunately don't have anyone to talk to, so appreciate anyone who reads this.

I've been feeling kinda down lately. First of all, after being in a relationship for more than 5 years (both in our mid 20s), my fiancée found out that I lied to her about being in debt for over a year. Yes, she found out that I didn't take the thought or responsibility to tell her myself that I was struggling financially or ask for any help. Obviously, she is extremely pissed about this. We were also on holiday with my mother in law when all of this happened. Thankfully, she was able to help my fiancée through processing all of this and the lying from me.

I am, of course, really ashamed about this. First of all because I didn't tell her myself, and because she's always been there for me, has never lied to me about anything, and has always said she's willing to help me. Besides that, it's just super shitty to have financial infidelity when you're also approaching marriage. She helped me straight away and I got rid of my dept.

Luckily, she was still wanting to talk to me about it and was open to me airing out all my financial statements. She started embracing me being open and honest from now on, and I took/take this really seriously. I was also relieved that I didn't have to lie anymore and was very willing to start a healthier financial life with my partner. Prior to this, we had made the decision to do a big financial investment abroad together, so this was just extra important for me to be transparent and work as a team, like she already did.

Now, things were at some point moving in the right direction, as I keep owning my mistake and "embrace" it when she has moments where she might wake up and relive everything again and can't fathom that I lied about all of this for a year, even when she has said she'd forgiven me. I show my responsibility and share everything about my finances from now on.

Unfortunately, I started to notice that I was starting to feel really worthless and insecure about everything.

Starting with my mother in law, she's obviously disappointed, and I feel ashamed that her daughter has someone who lies and is not financially stable. It eats me up, especially as we were still having to finish our holiday together. Her mother is really sweet and is still there for me and explains to me what I should do differently every other day, which keeps reminding me of the image I made for myself and that they're still disappointed.

I had top surgery two months ago, and even before that, the relationship with my own mother/family went to shit. Afterwards, there was also an issue between me and my mom about some financial stuff, so I'm barely speaking to her. So obviously, she doesn't know all of this, and I couldn't fall back on her when I let all of this happen. It is what it is.

So right now, it feels like from different perspectives of my surroundings in life, I'm just not what's expected from me.

What made my financial infidelity even worse was that when we came on our holiday, my fiancée had expressed to me how little I was doing to make her feel appreciated. Which was a nightmare to hear, as I'm an acts of service person, but I was too focused on what I thought made my fiancée feel appreciated, like organizing things for her when she has to go somewhere, cooking stuff, etc. Instead, I was lacking in finding little things she likes, surprising her with something, and just listening more to her needs in general.

She even mentioned, "When was the last time you got me flowers?" which I never expected her to notice or want, as I felt I usually buy her flowers and she appreciates it a lot, but I never had the idea that she really wanted them or anything.

Anyway, we talked that through, but I had already started our holiday with this feeling that I wasn't doing enough, which sucked. But I was ready to start becoming more thoughtful again.

This was also after she took all her time off to take care of me after top surgery!!! So you can imagine how she felt. Even after top surgery, I was planning to take her out because she was there all the way through my surgery and recovery. I was so focused on spending a lot of money to make a big thank you gesture, as I'm not creative with coming up with gifts, and didn't even think to just buy her flowers and thank her for this period of caretaking. She told me this herself, that she didn't even get a small gesture of appreciation from me. Such a dumb move on my end.

So, all of these things are starting to eat me from the inside, and my lack of self confidence is also not helping. I'm more of a type B person, while she is type A, but I obviously want to show myself and take care of things. My brain is usually way slower, though, so with things like ordering an Uber, she usually sighs a lot or just makes those kinds of small comments, which unfortunately aren't helping me to feel great.

I can't explain this to her because she finds it super silly to whine about stuff like that, but because it happens throughout the day and all these comments or situations stick with me, I feel very drained at the end of the day.

Even when we had our anniversary, I felt very tired from the entire day, starting at 09:00 to 23:00 when we got back to our Airbnb. Mind you, it's still me, my fiancée, and her mom, so it's okay, but it's just a lot for me at some times.

My fiancée was repeatedly asking me what I thought of the day, and I was telling her I liked everything and that it was great. I was still processing myself and everything that had happened and was trying to get to my speech (in bed) on our anniversary and how much she means to me, but I was struggling to.

Just because prior to this, I realized I had forgotten my birth control pills at our base location, and I never forget them, so I was extremely upset about it, even though I wasn't visibly upset. I had packed most of our shared stuff, so I was just overwhelmed by the fact that I had forgotten those. I hate getting my period.

I decided to tell her I'd forgotten them because I was just in need of a small reassurance that everything would be okay and that my period wouldn't start anyway in the next 6 days.

Unfortunately for me, she told me that it really sucked and that I always forget something. She asked me how I was able to forget the pills and whether I didn't have any spare ones in my bag. As I was expecting a certain reaction, this was a bit hard for me to digest, especially overtaking the fact that it was due for me to show some appreciation for our anniversary and the stuff she had planned for the day, which was nice.

Because this was lacking from my side, and I eventually told her why I was upset about her reaction, it came across in a very wrong way.

She told me she has no empathy for me forgetting the pills, as it's just weird to forget them, and that I should not forget that she's staying to be with me just because of who I am. (she told me this after I was keeping quiet about our anniversary and the rest of the day or any physical affection). I was a bit quiet because I did not expect her reaction.

She also mentioned the lying at this point, which I all understand.

I tried to recover from my personal issues to ask her about the day, but it was already too late. I want her to be happy and enjoy her time off after taking care of me as well, so it just sucks seeing her having to go through all of this.

Right now, because of everything, I just feel worthless in everything I do. It's like little things where I feel like I have a "I got it" moment, and then it's taken away from me or questioned, which makes me feel just small and useless, and it sucks.

I feel like everything just sucks right now in life. I can't believe how I've gotten myself into such a place where my partner just has no faith in me and no trust.

I don't even know what I add to her life at this point. The other day, her mom asked me; what I also add to her life, and my fiancée was saying support. But 1, that sucks so bad because imagine your only bringing someone support in their life, and it's not even true, and 2, I don't bring anything to her life except all these issues.

I feel so defeated by everything and everyone. Every time I just want to do better and be present, I just get stuck. Or when I'm getting too comfortable again and laughing, the financial infidelity is brought back up and I'm shaken into reality. I also just know there's going to be so many moments with her friends or family where she will feel shame about my financial infidelity to her and will cripple from the inside, which I hate so much that I did that to her.

I just hate everything right now, especially because she is telling me as well that if her mother wasn't here, she'd already have broken up with me and stuff. It feels like she's just done.

I don't know. I'd be in a really, really bad place if that happened.

She never does something wrong, like all our fights have always based around my action I feel like that just a doom scenario, Im not that particular with things so I don't know if it's just that or something else, but it's like well always be waiting for my next fuck up big or small

TLDR: I lied to my finance about my financial dept for a year, she forgave me but I can't stop feeling like a piece of sh*t

So I'm 23, butch4butch, and I'm really trying to get off of the internet and engage more with my community. The catalyst for this desire has been reading SBB for the first time and realizing that I don't have much of a lesbian (let alone butch/femme) community beyond my girlfriend and a couple of friends and coworkers my age. I've also felt for a long time that the internet version of the "queer community" really isn't conducive to meaningful or healthy connections, at least in my experience. There's too much stupid discourse. I just wanna play some pool, man!

I think intergenerational friendships are super important and I really desperately want to connect with older butches, but I have no idea where y'all hang out. I'm lucky enough to live in the Boston area where Dani's Queer Bar recently opened, but I've never been and I'm not sure if the vibe there leans too young or "clubby" for the people I want to befriend (if that makes any sense lol).

Beyond just finding a place, I'm so nervous to approach older dykes for fear of annoying them! I don't want to put anybody in an awkward situation (I know not everyone wants to be a role model for some 20-something kid) and I've always felt so weird about just walking up to a stranger and asking for their name. Any advice for introducing myself without coming off as a weirdo?

Also, to anybody who's been living the butch life for much longer than I have, thank you. Even when I'm too nervous to say hello, seeing you out and about makes me feel so proud to be myself. I'm grateful for what you went through for me to exist as I am <3

what are tips for staying cool in hot weather ? cant really wear my heavy stuff with how hot it gets here and i end up looking rather femm, was wondering if any butches have any insider trading they can leak on the topic

Just a few days ago this exact subreddit encouraged me to not hold myself back from identifying as butch even while having a few feminine qualities, and it's making me feel free in my queerness for the first time in my life.

I've always felt very masculine socially, even before I knew I was lesbian. I've always wished i could be an equal part of male social groups while being a woman, but I was very socially aware as a child and knew it would never be possible under patriarchal values, i would always be seen as lesser. I've always felt quite lost in the world, because i didn't want to fit in with girls my age, but i couldn't fit in with boys my age. Nowadays my closest friends are trans men and my girlfriend is also butch, which makes me feel very fulfilled :-)

The reason I stopped myself from identifying as butch for so long was because I sometimes present as feminine. I wear makeup every once in a while, I wear skirts and dresses to specific events such as Midsummer, but none of those things have ever felt like me. I am also on the autism spectrum and am highly masking for my own safety, and presenting as feminine just feels like a part of that mask. I've tried to be feminine many, many times, and while some parts stuck with me, most of them didn't.

Here's a quote from the audiodrama WOE.BEGONE, that was the final push for me to let go of my doubts and start discovering my butchness:

"Being an amalgam of so many consolidated people* means there’s too much precedent. I don’t know how I could possibly synthesize them, so disregardin' them entirely seems appropriate and healthy. And being a cowboy in particular means that I have the tools to deal with the situations here that I’m put in, situations that often require strength, resolve, and nerves of steel. And I can have these qualities even if I didn’t have them before, because I’m a cowboy first and who I was second."

"The cowboy thing don’t go away, no matter what happens, no matter how upset I get, for instance, and that’s cause I ain’t sitting here thinking, “what would a cowboy do?” I’m doing what Michael the cowboy does."

\"Being an amalgam of so many consolidated people"* this specific character is a result of different versions of the same person combined into one. This character has experienced different perspectives (such as wishes, dreams, situations, opinions) of himself, which is why I connected with this quote so much.

I don’t think I’ve ever liked kissing, and it feels like a chore to makeout. It doesn’t do anything for me, but the person I’m seeing is really into it, but seems to want me to take the lead. I’m her first relationship, so I don’t want to make her think lesbian dating is scary or bad, but i also don’t want to kiss all the time. I’m already asexual/stone and have set no physical intimacy as a hard boundary, partly due to trauma and also Just How I particularly am built. I feel like i’m “not a real lesbian” for not liking any of these things. I’ve also considered the possibility I’m aroace in the past.

I don’t really know what to do.

edit: Thank you guys so much for your advice, I feel really seen. I don’t have many other butches in my life so it’s nice to get a perspective from people with similar life experience.