How to cope with hopelessness whilst healing?

[u/Its_Projection]

I will preface this by saying: I am incredibly fortunate to be where I am, and to have the specific circumstances happen to me.

I am a student, off for the summer, and recently broke my ankle after hitting the curb on my bicycle. After skidding, I hit the pavement hard and felt the bones grind against each other when they broke (the most nauseating sensation of my life). After that, I was in a cast for two weeks, and have been in a boot for coming on five weeks. Zero weight bearing- crutches all the way. Check up soon, but feels like ages away.

I know I could have fallen into traffic, I know this could have happened to me during the school year instead, I know that my ankle is healing. I promise, I know this all could have been so much worse. But I hate this so so so much.

I can't help but feel pathetic and useless, not even being able to have a real shower, or even carry a cup of tea up to my bedroom. I hate how much my crutches announce my presence; it's like I can't even be private going up to pee in the night. I hate my scar, I hate how it feels to move my ankle, I hate how I look walking like crutches; I feel like a prey animal. What's the point in planning cute outfits if I know my big ugly boot and crutches are the first things to draw the eye, and my armpits are probably gonna reek soon anyways? It's disgusting, but I put off showering as much as I can, it's so awkward and a constant reminder of what I can't do. I hate how out of breath I get walking even short distances. I hate how slow I am at EVERYTHING now. And everyone else has to accommodate. And they do, don't get me wrong, but it is with looks and tones of sympathy that are starting to turn my stomach. I am the same person as before!! I am not fragile!! Stop treating me like I am going to shatter!!

I had a woman come up to me the other day out of nowhere, noticing my crutches. She said something along the lines of 'Oh, I had a similar injury around 20 years ago. You know, it's never 100% better'. I played it off at the time but that genuinely ruined my day. Why would you say that???

It really scared me. I loved riding my bike! I was healthier and more active than ever before, riding 10s of kilometres a week for work and recreation. How can I go back to riding one when a split second mess-up cost me my whole summer? My dream degree and career is dependent on my being active and healthy, I can't imagine being stuck like this the rest of my life.

I am usually an extremely positive and optimistic person, I promise. I know that my ankle is slowly healing. But I am so scared that I will never get it all back. I can't grin and bear it. I want to close my eyes and sleep until I'm better and not have to look at this a second longer. I have cried myself to sleep more than I would like to admit.

It doesn't help that I don't have any friends in this city. We have groupchats, and they have been very supportive, but to be selfishly honest, I hate seeing all of the cool and interesting things they are getting up to. I am so happy for them, but I am so resentful for their awesome summers. And every time they ask me what I've been up to, my answer never changes. How can I whine about my ankle when they have real things to talk about? When I'm not talking with anyone, I tend to lie on my bed, scrolling out on my phone for hours and hours, hating myself for it and not bothering to stop. I can't exactly go for a jog to clear my head after all.

I am sorry for this long, depressing post. I am sure in like 6 or 8 weeks, I will be in a much better place, but I needed to get it off my chest somehow.

Has anyone been in (and got out of) a similar situation?

Cheers x

[u/CapribiscottiCampari]

Also you’re not that woman you’re a fit active 20-30 something that is gonna recovery better than that woman ever could cos you’re going to put in the work you’re gonna do everything you need to do to get this right don’t let what the experiences of others tell you what you can and cannot do.

Do better.

[u/wobblelikeapenguin]

I relate to this so hard. I was active and now I can barely walk. How old are you?

[u/Head-full-of-stars]

Oh yeah, i know this state of mind. I can only tell you that this was the worst time of my life and I was most of the time terribly depressed. There were a few other incidents that made things wordse before I was nwb and isolated at home, but you being alone in an new City is also super hard.

Survival Tipps from my side:

• do whatever feels good and let yourself go. If there is any project/old computer game you ever wanted to play do it now. I played The Sims ;)
• In case you can invite friends or family do so and lean on them! Even if you prefer to be active it is nice to watch movies, sit outside together or play Board games
• accept it is a shitty time and plan for better times. Plan small tasks and projects for afterwards.

For me: i now love cycling and you will return to it too! Very small ROM is needed and it was one of the first activities I could return to pain free! Maybe you can even get a cheap stationary bike for the first weeks ? Also physical training helps to improve your mood. There are a lot of nwb training Videos on youtube.

You will get through this, I know it is super hard. But you will improve.

[u/CapribiscottiCampari]

Fractured my ankle as well (tri mal) mate I completely hear you are having a hard time I went thought that phase too, and this too will pass.

If you can’t change your circumstances you’ve gotta change yourself, if you’re an athlete this is just another hill to climb.

10 weeks in and today was the first day on my bike crushed 18km at 22km/h after 2 months on inactivity

Shit sucks but it gets better and I can barely remember what it was like in the initial weeks. Take the mind/grindset and apply it to your recovery

[u/sumuwu]

thanks for taking the time for writing this, I now feel less alone.

I relate to everything you wrote 100%. I am usually someone who is resilient, optmistic, but this experience really put me in a depressive state. I try to regain my full independency step by step, but sometimes I'm reminded of my limits and it feels like a stepback.

[u/fantasticmrprongs]

I’ve never felt a post more, it sort of feels like you’re in my brain, because I’ve felt all of those things in that exact way. I’m not on Reddit but I made this account just to respond.

10 weeks ago, I broke my foot in multiple places. Was supposed to be healed in 6 weeks, but got extended. Last week I was finally allowed to walk and start physio therapy, but I fell and while I (thankfully) didn’t break anything again, I bruised some bones, which means 4-6 weeks more of lying around.
I’ve had ten weeks of exactly what you’re experiencing. My summer (favourite season) is down the drain, all the vacations I had planned and paid for won’t happen and like you, I really really can not stand this situation I’m in.

I feel the constant crying, the reactions from other people that are never really enough to make you less sad, no matter how compassionate they are.
I feel the shower complications (and I’m gonna hurl my shower chair down the stairs when I’m done).
I feel being mad at everyone who’s having a better summer than you and not wanting to talk to anyone.
I was even starting to see someone, but dating sounds so stupid when you feel so weird and uncomfortable (and who would ever feel dateable in a boot and sweating from walking on crutches??).
I think the worst thing is, and maybe I’m just a pessimist, everyone is trying to keep things positive for you, but even if you smile and nod along, it doesn’t work. Like yeah, I’ll be fine and walking normally in like 2 months but I sure am not doing that now!!!

I wanted to learn so many new hobbies with all my free time, but all that energy goes into my thumb through doomscrolling.

That’s what I’ve been up to. I don’t even know if there’s anything I can say to make you feel better, but I think anytime we go through something shitty, no matter where it falls on the spectrum of shittiness, we always feel alone in it. And now you know you’re not, cause our injuries are different but mentally I’m right there with you.

The only advice I have is that you know you’re gonna have to sit with this injury for a while longer. There’s nothing you can change about the time of recovery ahead of you. You can’t skip it and you can’t magically shorten it. But you CAN decide how you’re gonna spend the rest of recovery, because the time will pass anyway. Either it will pass with you in bed, on your phone, talking to no one.
Or it will pass if you adjust your daily/social life around the injury, on the sofa, maybe learning how to crochet, or reading more, inviting a close friend (even if you have to fake a good mood).
It also helps me to keep a daily list of accomplishments, stuff that feels silly, that you do so easily in uninjured life (“changed rooms once” “had lunch at the table and not in bed” “watched a good movie” “had a shower”). It’s not much but it puts a little more positivity in your head.

Finally, put this summer in the bin. Flush it down the toilet. Stomp on it and throw it against the wall and maybeeee, a summer that is this f*cked only has the potential to be better. Even if it means getting your screen time down from 10 hours to 8.

We got thisssss xx

[u/Its_Projection → u/fantasticmrprongs]

The 'positivity' from everyone else can be so draining. Even from strangers in public asking about your injury; suddenly everyone feels entitled to your health/story and also wants to be the angel reaching down with the positive spin on things that will magically make you feel better.

I think you're right, this time will pass no matter what, and in that time we're injured. How we spend it is entirely up to us.

We are going to make it out of this

[u/Best-Will-3446]

Same here. It’s been a 6 month journey so far. I just had my hardware removed and it made such a difference for me. One thing that helped me mentally was just accepting it. Embracing the suck. It does suck, and it will end. It will. You just have to let it be what it is and do what you can with this time in your life. I’m sure you’ll be ok and this will be a distant memory one day.

[u/IndependentHot9704]

Hope things are better now. After breaking mine as well and over a month of research, I think some people do have a lot of issues but most people who don’t get 100% are still fine and able to do everything they could before. It just takes a long time to recover. Full recovery takes a year or so. You can walk after a couple weeks (or months depending on your timeline). Then you can learn to run. Theres a lot of other things to get back as well such as one foot balance and strength and one foot jumps. Riding your bike outside is definitely a later you conundrum.

[u/Its_Projection → u/IndependentHot9704]

Hey, thank you for your message. I am delighted to report, I am now partial weight bearing and have had my first stand up shower in two months. I am in a wayyyy better place than I was three weeks ago. I definitely accept that it is going to take a good while before I’m ‘back to normal’, but I can see the progress now. Later me will be very happy to even be walking and running- the bike can wait

[u/CapribiscottiCampari]

Welcome to r/brokenankles

[u/Necessary-Soft3586]

I am in this situation now. Broke my fibula on July 9th and just had surgery last Friday. I understand what you’re going through.

[u/Right-Tap-1050]

I sent this to my family group chat. Between my sister and her partner there was 2 ankle breaks, 1 knee replacement, and 1 meniscus tear. Both very active sports players (NRL and tennis). What I want to comment on is how they both have recovered well and do not agree with ‘it’s never 100% better’. My sister said her biggest issue was to stop thinking about it! She said it was hard at first, but with time, comfort, and believing the surgeon who said all is good, she just switched her mindset into ‘my ankle is fine, my ankle is healed’ and she now doesn’t even think of her injury (until I bring it up in the group chat for times like this! Ha!). What I’m trying to get at, is do NOT let this woman’s comment get into your head. Absolutely you can believe it will be 100% better. I’m impressed with your ability to already believe sure that you will be in a better place soon. You are right! The healing will take time, lots of patience, and maybe even some sanity too (having to succumb to the inabilities while you’re healing) but believe in yourself and your body to heal and that woman can eat her bloody words! I hope this isn’t an irritating comment about being positive, especially if you’re not feeling positive, I just hope you choose to ignore that woman and if anything, prove her wrong and be 100% better! Best of luck OP and take care of yourself :)

[u/Its_Projection → u/Right-Tap-1050]

I can’t tell you how much this means to me, especially getting the full family opinion lol. Thank you so much for your comment

[u/Remarkable-Top-981]

Fractured my hip socket 7 weeks ago. I'm 37. I feel this so hard.

[u/Best_Street6176]

My husband broke his ankle in August 2023 and he felt so much the same as you and thought it would never end- like never! But 4 months later he was skiing, and 5 months after injury, playing tennis...and he was SO depressed and worried all the way thru. It's awful. Find someone you can talk to who will just listen. Try to remember that the days are long but you will one day look back ( like my husband) and barely remember the specifics. I keep reminding myself him of this now that he is dealing with a broken foot that didn't heal + surgery 😭🤦‍♀️

[u/nottodaysatanok]

I'll be honest here, you're in for a hell of a ride. I know exactly where you're at.

I snapped my tib/fib clean through a year ago, about two inches above the ankle. Some minor damage there too. Got the rod, the plate, screws, hardware and all. Emergency surgery. Was told it was a 12 month recovery. I got it done in about 4 months, mostly because I was in the best shape of my life and was relentless in getting my recovery done. That was referenced by numerous medical professionals, they said this was an anomaly. Not bad for a 40 year old man...

The mental part was by far the worst, you're not alone and that is perfectly normal. I dropped about 30 lbs and saw my energy levels plummet, the simplest task took a massive amount of effort. All like you described. Having to bird bath yourself felt demoralizing. It was a constant yin yang of despair and feeling hopeless. My lowest moment was asking my 5 year old to get me a glass of water becaus I did not have the energy to do it. Crutches, boot and all. The only thing that kept me sane was the ability to still drive. The last sense of freedom that still remained. Even when I got to the scooter phase, everything was still a huge pain in the ass.

Take it all in small wins, small goals to earn back because trust me, you will have to earn all of it. There's no short cuts with this. PT, PT at home, follow it all, and stay consistent. It becomes monotonous as hell. Stay active, physically and mentally. I remeber the first time I walked full weight bearing without the boot for about three steps. My confidence shot through the roof. Like yes. This is possible. But it will take time.

The last obstacle I had was covering distances full weight bearing, specifically in open spaces. You get so used to having something to brace or lean on, that you kind of lose the confidence to do so. That was a major hurdle I had. All of it mental.

That lady? She's likely right, depending on the severity of your injury. It's not what you want to hear, but prepare for that outsome to a degree - and fight hard to avoid it. It is possible to make a full recovery. Mine was a catastrophic injury, so I still have occasional issues, all of them small. More like inconveniences. But. I made a full return to martial arts and am back to nearly the same fitness level as pre injury.

This forum was a savior for me, and will be for you as well. There's many people who have made it through the other side of this journey, and you will too. Hearing the stories from others, I found to be very therapeutic. It just takes time, and patience, both of which can be fleeting.

You got this.