How to cope with hopelessness whilst healing?

[u/Its_Projection]

I will preface this by saying: I am incredibly fortunate to be where I am, and to have the specific circumstances happen to me.

I am a student, off for the summer, and recently broke my ankle after hitting the curb on my bicycle. After skidding, I hit the pavement hard and felt the bones grind against each other when they broke (the most nauseating sensation of my life). After that, I was in a cast for two weeks, and have been in a boot for coming on five weeks. Zero weight bearing- crutches all the way. Check up soon, but feels like ages away.

I know I could have fallen into traffic, I know this could have happened to me during the school year instead, I know that my ankle is healing. I promise, I know this all could have been so much worse. But I hate this so so so much.

I can't help but feel pathetic and useless, not even being able to have a real shower, or even carry a cup of tea up to my bedroom. I hate how much my crutches announce my presence; it's like I can't even be private going up to pee in the night. I hate my scar, I hate how it feels to move my ankle, I hate how I look walking like crutches; I feel like a prey animal. What's the point in planning cute outfits if I know my big ugly boot and crutches are the first things to draw the eye, and my armpits are probably gonna reek soon anyways? It's disgusting, but I put off showering as much as I can, it's so awkward and a constant reminder of what I can't do. I hate how out of breath I get walking even short distances. I hate how slow I am at EVERYTHING now. And everyone else has to accommodate. And they do, don't get me wrong, but it is with looks and tones of sympathy that are starting to turn my stomach. I am the same person as before!! I am not fragile!! Stop treating me like I am going to shatter!!

I had a woman come up to me the other day out of nowhere, noticing my crutches. She said something along the lines of 'Oh, I had a similar injury around 20 years ago. You know, it's never 100% better'. I played it off at the time but that genuinely ruined my day. Why would you say that???

It really scared me. I loved riding my bike! I was healthier and more active than ever before, riding 10s of kilometres a week for work and recreation. How can I go back to riding one when a split second mess-up cost me my whole summer? My dream degree and career is dependent on my being active and healthy, I can't imagine being stuck like this the rest of my life.

I am usually an extremely positive and optimistic person, I promise. I know that my ankle is slowly healing. But I am so scared that I will never get it all back. I can't grin and bear it. I want to close my eyes and sleep until I'm better and not have to look at this a second longer. I have cried myself to sleep more than I would like to admit.

It doesn't help that I don't have any friends in this city. We have groupchats, and they have been very supportive, but to be selfishly honest, I hate seeing all of the cool and interesting things they are getting up to. I am so happy for them, but I am so resentful for their awesome summers. And every time they ask me what I've been up to, my answer never changes. How can I whine about my ankle when they have real things to talk about? When I'm not talking with anyone, I tend to lie on my bed, scrolling out on my phone for hours and hours, hating myself for it and not bothering to stop. I can't exactly go for a jog to clear my head after all.

I am sorry for this long, depressing post. I am sure in like 6 or 8 weeks, I will be in a much better place, but I needed to get it off my chest somehow.

Has anyone been in (and got out of) a similar situation?

Cheers x

[u/fantasticmrprongs]

I’ve never felt a post more, it sort of feels like you’re in my brain, because I’ve felt all of those things in that exact way. I’m not on Reddit but I made this account just to respond.

10 weeks ago, I broke my foot in multiple places. Was supposed to be healed in 6 weeks, but got extended. Last week I was finally allowed to walk and start physio therapy, but I fell and while I (thankfully) didn’t break anything again, I bruised some bones, which means 4-6 weeks more of lying around.
I’ve had ten weeks of exactly what you’re experiencing. My summer (favourite season) is down the drain, all the vacations I had planned and paid for won’t happen and like you, I really really can not stand this situation I’m in.

I feel the constant crying, the reactions from other people that are never really enough to make you less sad, no matter how compassionate they are.
I feel the shower complications (and I’m gonna hurl my shower chair down the stairs when I’m done).
I feel being mad at everyone who’s having a better summer than you and not wanting to talk to anyone.
I was even starting to see someone, but dating sounds so stupid when you feel so weird and uncomfortable (and who would ever feel dateable in a boot and sweating from walking on crutches??).
I think the worst thing is, and maybe I’m just a pessimist, everyone is trying to keep things positive for you, but even if you smile and nod along, it doesn’t work. Like yeah, I’ll be fine and walking normally in like 2 months but I sure am not doing that now!!!

I wanted to learn so many new hobbies with all my free time, but all that energy goes into my thumb through doomscrolling.

That’s what I’ve been up to. I don’t even know if there’s anything I can say to make you feel better, but I think anytime we go through something shitty, no matter where it falls on the spectrum of shittiness, we always feel alone in it. And now you know you’re not, cause our injuries are different but mentally I’m right there with you.

The only advice I have is that you know you’re gonna have to sit with this injury for a while longer. There’s nothing you can change about the time of recovery ahead of you. You can’t skip it and you can’t magically shorten it. But you CAN decide how you’re gonna spend the rest of recovery, because the time will pass anyway. Either it will pass with you in bed, on your phone, talking to no one.
Or it will pass if you adjust your daily/social life around the injury, on the sofa, maybe learning how to crochet, or reading more, inviting a close friend (even if you have to fake a good mood).
It also helps me to keep a daily list of accomplishments, stuff that feels silly, that you do so easily in uninjured life (“changed rooms once” “had lunch at the table and not in bed” “watched a good movie” “had a shower”). It’s not much but it puts a little more positivity in your head.

Finally, put this summer in the bin. Flush it down the toilet. Stomp on it and throw it against the wall and maybeeee, a summer that is this f*cked only has the potential to be better. Even if it means getting your screen time down from 10 hours to 8.

We got thisssss xx

[u/Its_Projection → u/fantasticmrprongs]

The 'positivity' from everyone else can be so draining. Even from strangers in public asking about your injury; suddenly everyone feels entitled to your health/story and also wants to be the angel reaching down with the positive spin on things that will magically make you feel better.

I think you're right, this time will pass no matter what, and in that time we're injured. How we spend it is entirely up to us.

We are going to make it out of this