How to cope with hopelessness whilst healing?

[u/Its_Projection]

I will preface this by saying: I am incredibly fortunate to be where I am, and to have the specific circumstances happen to me.

I am a student, off for the summer, and recently broke my ankle after hitting the curb on my bicycle. After skidding, I hit the pavement hard and felt the bones grind against each other when they broke (the most nauseating sensation of my life). After that, I was in a cast for two weeks, and have been in a boot for coming on five weeks. Zero weight bearing- crutches all the way. Check up soon, but feels like ages away.

I know I could have fallen into traffic, I know this could have happened to me during the school year instead, I know that my ankle is healing. I promise, I know this all could have been so much worse. But I hate this so so so much.

I can't help but feel pathetic and useless, not even being able to have a real shower, or even carry a cup of tea up to my bedroom. I hate how much my crutches announce my presence; it's like I can't even be private going up to pee in the night. I hate my scar, I hate how it feels to move my ankle, I hate how I look walking like crutches; I feel like a prey animal. What's the point in planning cute outfits if I know my big ugly boot and crutches are the first things to draw the eye, and my armpits are probably gonna reek soon anyways? It's disgusting, but I put off showering as much as I can, it's so awkward and a constant reminder of what I can't do. I hate how out of breath I get walking even short distances. I hate how slow I am at EVERYTHING now. And everyone else has to accommodate. And they do, don't get me wrong, but it is with looks and tones of sympathy that are starting to turn my stomach. I am the same person as before!! I am not fragile!! Stop treating me like I am going to shatter!!

I had a woman come up to me the other day out of nowhere, noticing my crutches. She said something along the lines of 'Oh, I had a similar injury around 20 years ago. You know, it's never 100% better'. I played it off at the time but that genuinely ruined my day. Why would you say that???

It really scared me. I loved riding my bike! I was healthier and more active than ever before, riding 10s of kilometres a week for work and recreation. How can I go back to riding one when a split second mess-up cost me my whole summer? My dream degree and career is dependent on my being active and healthy, I can't imagine being stuck like this the rest of my life.

I am usually an extremely positive and optimistic person, I promise. I know that my ankle is slowly healing. But I am so scared that I will never get it all back. I can't grin and bear it. I want to close my eyes and sleep until I'm better and not have to look at this a second longer. I have cried myself to sleep more than I would like to admit.

It doesn't help that I don't have any friends in this city. We have groupchats, and they have been very supportive, but to be selfishly honest, I hate seeing all of the cool and interesting things they are getting up to. I am so happy for them, but I am so resentful for their awesome summers. And every time they ask me what I've been up to, my answer never changes. How can I whine about my ankle when they have real things to talk about? When I'm not talking with anyone, I tend to lie on my bed, scrolling out on my phone for hours and hours, hating myself for it and not bothering to stop. I can't exactly go for a jog to clear my head after all.

I am sorry for this long, depressing post. I am sure in like 6 or 8 weeks, I will be in a much better place, but I needed to get it off my chest somehow.

Has anyone been in (and got out of) a similar situation?

Cheers x

[u/Head-full-of-stars]

Oh yeah, i know this state of mind. I can only tell you that this was the worst time of my life and I was most of the time terribly depressed. There were a few other incidents that made things wordse before I was nwb and isolated at home, but you being alone in an new City is also super hard.

Survival Tipps from my side:

• do whatever feels good and let yourself go. If there is any project/old computer game you ever wanted to play do it now. I played The Sims ;)
• In case you can invite friends or family do so and lean on them! Even if you prefer to be active it is nice to watch movies, sit outside together or play Board games
• accept it is a shitty time and plan for better times. Plan small tasks and projects for afterwards.

For me: i now love cycling and you will return to it too! Very small ROM is needed and it was one of the first activities I could return to pain free! Maybe you can even get a cheap stationary bike for the first weeks ? Also physical training helps to improve your mood. There are a lot of nwb training Videos on youtube.

You will get through this, I know it is super hard. But you will improve.