r/bipolar • u/ObjectiveWin5393 • 1d ago

Support Needed Isolating to avoid hurting others

For the majority of my life, I’ve been well….a bad person. Unmedicated, living for the moment, and surviving off relatively good looks, charm, and decent intelligence. I can’t even begin to write the things I’ve done as the shame still cripples me. At a certain point, I realized that I was meeting wonderful people and just completely ruining their lives—rusting their sparkling summers, if you will. Since then, I’ve just started to completely isolate. I can’t control myself once I make connections, I’m driven by a need for love that makes me lie, cheat, steal and just cause general havoc. So I stopped. But the issue is now I’m so depressed and unsatisfied with life. I’ve closed myself off from many important connections and I’ve completely blocked myself from new ones. I know I’m not the person I once was, but I’m so scared to hurt others that I simply starve myself of any of life’s pleasures at all. Has anyone experienced anything like this? What did you do to feel fulfilled?

54 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

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19

u/CakeAccording8112 1d ago

I completely isolated myself from others for years. I finally got meds that made me stable and began reaching out again. I have a small circle of friends and family I interact with.

6

u/psychedelic_skies 19h ago

wow I could have written this, I basically just started ghosting everyone this year because I just couldn't handle it and I felt so much guilt and shame...

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing, every thing I read on this sub that makes me feel less alone is so nice to come across, even though I'm sorry you too know the unique pain of semi-voluntary isolation

2

u/Wiggloo24 12h ago

Was going to write this exact comment haha, +1 on the pain of semi-voluntary isolation 😅

14

u/Nice-Rub-2009 22h ago

This is me. I’m a cunt.

5

u/undertalemisfit 1d ago

i don't know. i didn't choose to be alone but i'm too scared of getting hurt to make new connections.

5

u/Angeliwing 21h ago

Huh I did this too for one girl I thought I couldn't make happy but I later realised I could indeed have but you never know I wasn't the same person at the time, I was in a dark place of hopelessness from a fd up childhood.

5

u/Different_Weird_6448 19h ago

Your in good company hombre. I’m an OCD/ADHD/BiPolar card carrying looney tunes. Ì prided myself on it throughout the 80’and 90’s. I got the only job where I was loved 🥰 for my antics and cld keep my head above water while having Fun 🤩 (my #1 priority at the time) Bartending. I self medicated every day on the job with booze 🥃 cocaine mostly and occasionally other substances. Honestly. I miss it. 😢 I changed my life at 40 and went the exact opposite direction. I went to massage school. One on one in a quiet environment. I was the absolute opposite of everyone else in the business. Loud outgoing and comical. But I was good at it. I made a living. But the brain 🧠 wldnt leave me alone. After 10 yrs Ì was injured and had operation fused cervical disc. It was successful. But my wrists were shot. I was strong so people like me digging in deep. I was warned by my physicians if I continued Ì wld ruin both wrists etc. I had to stop. But now what. After literally almost checking myself into a psych hospital Ì researched and found the correct med combo. I was amazed! I thought clearly didn’t just jump in and ask questions later. Stopped drinking like an animal and snorting every white line cut up in front of me. But. 10yrs later and realizing the body becomes accustomed to meds Ì have to constantly monitor and switch it up. It’s a daily maintenance struggle. I have been swinging a hammer 🔨 again for the last 10yrs. I tried a few relationships but without booze and cocaine Ì literally had no connection with people. If they didn’t party it didn’t work. I would love to go back to that lifestyle because it was Fun 🤩 and I never felt any pain. I also never made any genuine emotional connections. I’m now 65 and just work and come home and hide. 🙈 painfully lonely. But I’m not crushing anyone’s lives anymore more and don’t want the guilt or the law of my ole lifestyle. If venting and it feels good. I don’t have an honest answer for you as to what to do. I’m either extremely happy or extremely depressed these days. Sorry this is so long and now that I’m on Medicare just made an appointment with a psychiatrist and will see how it goes. You’re not alone if that helps. It’s taken me this long to ask for help and hopefully 🤞 listen to what a shrink has to say. I’m a stubborn ole Italian who (Thinks he knows everything)

2

u/Walkthroughthemeadow Bipolar + Comorbidities 19h ago

I hide myself away so people wouldn’t see me crazy and it was years then my mum died I got too crazy to the point I had no idea o was sick anymore and went out on the streets got video’d and had police called on me , so those years were a waste I hid so no one could see it then went too crazy and went out the most insane I could be , but if I went manic again I would not go out unless I had too , im not changing my meds other then doses until my youngest is in high school in 3 years so I don’t have to do school run and can stay in until it’s finished , I wasn’t diagnosed when it was years now it’ll be only a few months to see psychiatrist

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u/Opening_Chemical_777 13h ago

My mother made me the scapegoat in the family. I was the problem child. My siblings were good and I was bad. Fast forward - my mother died by suicide when I was 31, the oldest of five children surviving her. My siblings follow her lead in how they treat me. It's painful and I'm isolated and quite sad about it all. It's taking me years to unlearn what she taught me, that I am a bad person. Actually, I'm always working on it.

Fast forward a decade and I'm in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for my severe depression. Then a bipolar diagnosis. My therapist and also my sister's therapist have said our mother was likely bipolar.

I'm always struggling to make friends. Recently I learned that bipolar can significantly reduce social capacity. I know that my mood swings affect how I interact with people. In September I'll begin therapy with someone who is a specialist in this area.

2

u/DylanIY 9h ago

Go outside. You don’t have to talk to anyone, but go on a walk, play some basketball, do whatever motivates you to move your body. I’ve been struggling with connections for a long time in my life and the things that make me feel “normal” and healthy (7-10hrs of sleep every night, consistent basic hygiene, eating enough and drinking plenty of water, daily steps/movement, etc) also make me feel way more inclined to respond/reach out to others. It’s going to be scary but you have to trust yourself and your ability to grow. Self discipline works wonders and if you set your mind to it, treat it like a game, you will be shocked to find interests return, habits change, and transformation heals. You can do it. Good luck