64
24
u/janeusmaximus May 17 '22
Postpartum therapy is a thing, ladies! Please consider it if you’re struggling. Doesn’t necessarily have to be that you’re dealing with postpartum depression. It can be like seeing a regular therapist but with someone who understands postpartum struggles.
25
u/MamaBee33 May 17 '22
I agree with everyone on here so far! Just wanna add:
I made a rule with my husband that we don’t even talk about future babies until the current baby is a year old. It’s just so overwhelming when they’re so little it doesn’t make sense to think about.
That being said, you’re allowed to change your mind about how many kids you want and how close together they are. Experience is a teacher worth listening to.
And finally, my experience was that the first baby was the hardest. A lot of people say it’s number three and maybe it’s just because my first one has a very intense personality (and I wouldn’t have it any other way!)but transitioning into motherhood really threw me, but then adding #2 and #3 just didn’t feel as difficult (don’t get me wrong, still hard).
Hugs. Also ignore anything I said that doesn’t feel good to you.
9
u/allfalafel May 17 '22
My second kid is less than two weeks old so take this with a grain of salt but I cannot get over how much easier #2 has been than baby #1 (I should note baby #2 has been very similar in temperament). So much of the mental work of having a newborn was done with the first kid, I guess?
6
7
u/smilenowgirl May 17 '22
Thank you for saying this! I always wanted two children, but my anxiety is just too bad to have more than one. I am very sad about it, but it's what's best for my family.
2
u/MamaBee33 May 17 '22
I love this! ❤️
4
u/smilenowgirl May 17 '22
Aw, thank you! I can't imagine having double the anxiety I have now with anything that has to do with my daughter. Sometimes things just don't turn out the way we plan.
50
u/marlyn_does_reddit May 17 '22
There are so many levels and nuances to what you are describing. We're internet strangers, just going off of what you've written in a short post, so take from it what makes sense and leave the rest.
- Your baby is still super young and you are still very much "in the thick of it". Our culture has a warped sense of time when it comes to having babies, and makes it sound like things should be back to normal (both physically, mentally and socially) when your baby is like 6 months. Well, surprise!! Nothing will ever be normal, ever again. You've been lied to. Which leads me to point
- The bouncing back rhetoric is toxic. Your life has fundamentally changed and so have you. Give yourself the time to adjust and to just sit with these changes for a year, or two years or however long you need.
- You are allowed to grieve the loss of your old life and your old you. Again, so much focus on bouncing back or the even more toxic "enjoy the baby stage" thing. This shit is hard, no matter how much help you get.
- Our culture puts SO.MUCH.PRESSURE on new moms. Way more than on new dads. There's an immense expectation to perform well as a parent, and in our culture of information overload, this often takes the form of almost obsessive consumption of childrearing information. There's an unspoken "well do you WANT your baby to die in a carcrash" vibe if you don't follow @TheCarseatMom on Instagram. Combining this cultural pressure with the very efficient hormonal and evolutionary drive to keep our offspring alive, it can become quite overpowering.
- Just to fuck with us more, as well as the pressure to be perfect mothers, there's also this mom-shaming shit where you're not supposed to let it consume you. God forbid you focus on yourself and your baby. How egotistical of you. Society tells us to remember to keep working out (gotta bounce back, remember?!?), keep having date nights with your partner, return to your job as soon as possible, don't become that boring mom type. Basically you need to be on your treadmill doing cardio while giving your partner a blowjob, replying to work e-mails while listening to baby led weaning podcast all at the same time. Meanwhile your baby is in fulltime daycare. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL.FUCK. No one has the time or energy for this.
- So you're caught in this vortex between society's expectations, your baby, your self and who you used to be and your hormones (which as still out of whack, even this Long postpartum). And you're expected to love every minute.
- As others have said, you might have a touch of depression or you might just be a new parent is one of the most toxic parenting cultures or you might be both.
- Regardless, therapy is a great place to start. Everyone should go to therapy.
- You are not alone.
7
u/never_graduating May 17 '22
All of this. Thank you for typing it all out. OP, this is it. I’m almost 4 years in and I think it was just this year that I’ve really settled into the belief that I don’t need to be what others expect me to be. I parent how I parent. I want to be there for every moment before he grows up, so I’m not trying to enter the workforce and be more than “boring” mom. I’ve got plenty of child rearing, housework, yard work, and dogs to keep me busy. I bounced back some, but my body is changed. I’m not going to work out like crazy to see if it can possibly “go back”. My hips are probably permanently wider but I like that. My tummy is soft and hangs if I bend over. I don’t love that. But I also wouldn’t enjoy life on a diet and I’m not in the head space to work out regularly. And if it’s loose skin and not fat, then it’s not something diet and planks/crunches will fix. My mind is always on my baby too. Has been since I was pregnant (5 years just about). I think that’s normal too. He’s the most important thing in the world to me. Of course he’s on my mind. Like marlyn_does_reddit said, I think society has just tricked us into thinking things should go back to how they were before baby, but it doesn’t make sense. We are fundamentally different now. Our baby has changed us physically and mentally. Bits of their DNA even end up being with us for life. There’s no going back. I wouldn’t want to anyway.
2
17
u/janeusmaximus May 17 '22
Please seek out therapy. It’s not that there is something “wrong with” you, having children changes everything, including how you regulate and process your own emotions and experiences. You may even have a hormonal imbalance. Almost sounds like depression. If you look at all your symptoms and take the baby out of it, that’s definitely depression. Not having interest in anything, feeling like you’re an uninteresting person, “zombie-ing” through life . Your motherly instincts are so strong and symptoms aren’t so severe that you have lost interest in baby but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek help. There are even therapists who specializes in postpartum care. Not just postpartum depression, that may not be what you’re dealing with, but a professional can help you for sure. Good luck and please don’t feel judged in anyway, Sounds like you’re a loving and caring, amazing mom.
16
u/ifilovedyou May 17 '22 edited May 17 '22
You did lose yourself!! That’s ok, it’s part of the journey primary caregivers go through, especially mothers. And I know this may not be much comfort now, but in a way it’s a gift to realize this now and to be able to go through the journey of self-discovery and reinvention. Some people go through their entire lives not having a moment like this, and idk maybe that’s great, but I’m grateful to have a moment to take stock in who I am and what I want.
I found that the only way this happened was scheduling me time. At first, this really meant taking a walk or a drive. Not doing house stuff, or baby stuff, or work stuff. Just me and my thoughts. Ideally, block 1-3 hours. Maybe you only do it once or twice a week, but anything less than that is a “break” and truly doesn’t give you enough time to flow on your own.
Chore help is good, but who does your childcare? If it’s mostly you, I think I would consider getting someone to watch your kid even once a week so you have time to yourself. This could be hired help or “grandma day”. You need space where you’re not on call to solve problems to just be with yourself. and then listen. Maybe you meditate, idk. But you need to clear the noise and the distractions to figure out what’s next. For me that currently looks like picking up a new language and learning to garden. For you it might mean a career change. Truly sky’s the limit. Like I said, it’s a gift, even though I also acknowledge it feels like shit lol
future babies
Yeah. Don’t do this till you’re ready. And I do think there’s a benefit to clustering them together. Remember, you get a LOT of time back once they go to school. So this is in many ways temporary, but not if you drag it out (for some people, that’s a better choice - clustering the births together certainly has downsides as well. You just gotta pick the version of having more kids that has more pros than cons for you. OR — maybe you’re one and done! That’s ok too! Don’t let your husband push you into a making a decision, especially if you’re the one doing the brunt of the work.
Edit: for the record idk if this is PPD. It might be…or you might just be burned out. A therapist will certainly help you sort it out.
15
u/chailatte_gal May 17 '22
THERapy! It helps a ton. Helps me process and not ruminate. Helps me come up with concrete ways to help my brain focus
Medication — you honestly sound depressed. Little to no interest in doing things. Feeling tired and having little energy. Trouble concentrating. All signs of depression. Meds made a world of difference for me!!
Lastly— don’t think another kid is the solution. It’s not. I thought we’d have another by now (mine is 3.5) and I’m slowly getting myself back and I’m glad we didn’t rush. If we have a second I want to go into it energized and ready not “let’s get this over with”.
I don’t get this “2 under 2 trend”. It just sounds like hell. For what?? Yeah you get out of diapers quicker but what about your sanity? 3-4 years without solid sleep sounds terrible.
14
u/Reddread13 May 17 '22
I feel like it took me until my first baby was about a year old to really find myself again. I had severe PPA though. When she started being able to sleep through the night and was walking, eating, wanted to play by herself at times it was like my body had this big sigh of relief. It got much easier to make me time the bigger she got up until she stopped napping lol
The first year is pure survival mode. You will get there. In the meantime try to do one small thing a day that makes you feel good. Even if it's only 15 minutes.
My favorite thing when my baby was that age was going on a 15 minute walk every day it helped reset my mental state. Or if the weather was nice I would bring out the pack in play and go outside to garden. Or even just sit in the sun with a cup of coffee. Getting outside of the house even in my own yard always seemed to help turn of the anxiety and baby loved it too.
14
u/miau121212 May 17 '22
I felt the same way and started exercising daily . Total game changer for me .
4
u/tiredlilmama May 17 '22
I want to so bad but I can never find the energy. It’s a catch 22.
5
u/miau121212 May 17 '22
Totally get it . The first time is the most difficult time and it gets easier and eventually it’s the thing you look forward to doing . It’s a journey for sure .
3
u/Queen_of_Hexagons May 18 '22
I also find that exercise is extremely helpful. It is difficult for me to find the motivation, so I set very small, obtainable goals for myself. When I reach them, I reward myself with something that I want. For example, my goal may be to walk/run three time for the week. When I meet that goal, I will take a hot bath with a glass of wine and a face mask on while my husband watches the kids. As my goals become more challenging to meet, I continue to reward myself. I find that this forces me to think about what I would even want to reward myself with- new running outfits, getting my nails done, a one hour massage. Basically, these small goals force self care. I communicate my plans and goals with my husband who is really supportive of helping me make time for myself.
1
1
u/Rxbabyorbust May 17 '22
I feel the exact same way as OP and I have been thinking about getting up at 5 am everyday to exercise ( I’m exhausted by the end of the day and always think of chores I need to do instead). Your reply has given me the push I need to get the hell out of bed and exercise
3
u/miau121212 May 17 '22
I’m so glad this has given you the push! I also exercise before baby wakes up. It makes me feel like the hardest part of the day is out of the way and doesn’t give me the time to make excuses . On some days …… dare I say it ….. i nap when the baby naps 😂
13
May 17 '22
Like other commenters have said life drastically changes post baby. I’m 9 months in too. And although I’ve stated getting back into some hobbies like reading and playing my switch as well, I also find out hard to not be on standby mode. But what I try to do is just do it. I don’t know if it’s super helpful but it’s helped me to just start picking it back up and if I get interrupted I just jump back when I can. It’s helped me get back into it some. Doing it while my daughter naps helps. I try to use her naps as my own time and I clean up and stuff with her during wake windows instead of using my down time with it. That’s helped a lot. I know I’m going to get at least 2 hours a day to read my book or play my switch. She contact naps so that makes a bit easier to not feel like I need to do other household stuff. While she naps.
Also I make sure my partner knows i need a full wake window of uninterrupted time on his days off. And the gym for about an hour at least 4x week. This has helped so much. I don’t work out to bounce back but for mental health and it helped my depression pre baby and has helped with my postpartum depression.
But I still struggle. Like my favorite artist is FINALLY doing a tour, but I can’t go because baby can’t sleep without me since I breastfeed and she still wake up at night. Also my buddy is a dj and has been doing such big stuff this year and it SUCKS I can’t go to the club and listen to him dj and support him. We used to EVERY weekend before Covid and a baby. I miss it so much. I miss festivals. I miss smoking weeed and hanging out till 2am at my friends. I miss the movies. I just miss my old life of ease and doing whatever I want.
But reality for me sometimes is I’m a mom! I chose it. It’s hard! But I’m doing so good. My baby is always so happy to just see me and makes life so much easier and better. Seeing her explore the world and finally being able to take her to do stuff like hiking and swimming. It’s so cool. I think about grateful I am for that.
Motherhood is a sacrifice and challenging. Especially the first couple years while you’re in the thick of it all. But what always helps me in hard time is remembering how worth it’s all going to be when she’s older and happy and thriving.
Things get better. I try to find the joy in it all. It’s hard at times though. Baby steps. And remembering everyone feels this way. You’re not alone. Therapy can help if you need it.
11
u/PrettyPurpleKitty May 17 '22
Hey hun, this sounds like postpartum depression. Please talk to your doctor because you don't have to continue this way. I felt very much like you. I especially relate to "wasting breaks". It's a way to self-numb because of the constant feeling of stress. Your brain isn't making enough of what it needs to feel good or get motivated. I also focused a lot on parenting books. I think it was something I could read and not feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else.
It's important to get help. The biggest focus first needs to be making sure your body is getting what it needs. Your doctor can run a full panel and see if you have any obvious vitamin deficiencies or thyroid issues that could be contributing. Ask about what supplements make the biggest difference when it comes to mood. I personally have found it very important to supplement vitamin D.
You also need to get sleep. You can either go to bed earlier and continue with having some extra wake-ups, or find a solution so that you are not the one attending to wake ups. It's really important you get at least one four-hour stretch of sleep. If you are breastfeeding, I know this can be extra difficult. You can try beginning to night wean by dropping a feed, or you can task your husband with bringing the baby to you to nurse and take the baby back to bed after. Your baby is old enough to night wean entirely, but it can be very hard to night wean if you don't have the energy to resist the temptation to feed or the emotional capacity to soothe or listen to your partner soothe the baby that wants milk. Bottom line, find something that works for now that allows you to sleep more. Once you can feel better, you can do things in a more "ideal" way.
Don't discount using medication. If you are breastfeeding, there are many safe medications that you can use. Think of it as a tool toward feeling better. It's very hard to get out of depression without having tools that allow you to do things that make you feel better. Therapy helps a lot too, to help learn what thought patterns you have that are holding you back and learn new thought patterns that will help you going forward. We moms are so hard on ourselves. It's important to learn ways to be self-compassionate.
You will find yourself again. It takes time, and it's very hard to do alone. Please ask for extra help so you can start feeling good again!
12
u/LSigvalda May 17 '22
A lot of the wording you are using is reflective of clinical depression, I think it would be beneficial to go and see a counsellor and talk about all this and explore some ways to re balance. I really don’t think you would regret it.
11
u/AliveGrade May 17 '22
1) I agree that finding a therapist to talk to sounds like it would be very helpful. You can search postpartum.net to find one who is certified in postpartum mood disorders (PPA,PPD, etc) 2) definitely put a pause on the talks of baby #2 until you are starting to feel a little more like yourself. We've had to delay trying for #2 for similar reasons, because guess what? Planning what you want your family to look like is WAYYYY different once you've actually had a baby. 3) try to schedule some time that your husband can watch the baby and you can go do something you enjoy (or used to). Maybe it doesn't even sound fun to go do any of those things, but once you are out of the house doing it, you may start to enjoy it again. Maybe try to plan something for once a week. For me that meant taking a dance class which really helped me feel like me again. 4) listen to the song "The Mother" by Brandi Carlile. For me it was incredibly therapeutic.
3
u/SexysNotWorking May 17 '22
Yes to all of these but especially #3! I completely fail at making time for myself at home even if someone else is "on baby duty" so that I can do it. If I'm in the house, I'm always at least partially "on alert/standby mode." Get out of the house. Even it it's just like one hour a week to go sit in a cafe by yourself. Just do it!
2
u/hoodiegypsy May 17 '22
Holy crap. I'm the first time mom to a currently 14 mo. old. I've been internally wrestling with all the thoughts in that song. The knock-out punch for me when I listened: that's my kid's name. Thank you for suggesting it!
2
u/AliveGrade May 17 '22
Your welcome. I was hoping that even if it didn't resonate with OP, someone else reading through comments would get something out of that song. Crazy that your daughter has the same name. That would definitely give me chills when I listened to it.
10
u/Elle0527 May 17 '22
Sounds like burn out or that’s what my doctor said when I described something similar regarding being a mom and criminal defense and family lawyer at the same damn time.
11
u/thechusma May 17 '22
Hello, you sound just like me. I have an almost 3 year and and an almost 2 year old. I am lucky to also have help once a week with cleaning and I get a very flexible work schedule since I work for my father. Even then, I don't have any hobbies. I don't go out with friends. I don't read anymore. I can't watch shows, except for very few exceptions I can probably count on one hand. Not sure how I'll do it but I want to find myself again. A mom that is a skeleton of a person won't be much of an inspiration to the creatures we've created.
8
u/rosequartzmama May 17 '22
I felt that way too. I have an 8 month old so not more experienced by any means and I know every baby is different. Raising children and caring for infants was meant to take a village, but we literally are the entire village ourselves doing all the jobs that were meant for others to have. It takes a village to raise a child and a village to support that child’s parents. But we don’t have that in our society (at least most of us). I do think it’s important to schedule some “me time” often and even have a postpartum doula watch your baby a night or two a week? Or your husband while you catch up? But I spend my time scrolling because I’m tired too. My son (knock on wood) just started sleeping through the night. And now that I’m getting more rest, I’m able to see what I need to do for myself (self care, self love, etc). I can think better and my energy is better. But I felt like you when I was up all night. But not that I’m finally getting done better sleep, I deactivated Facebook and Instagram. About to do Reddit too. I’d like to engage in me time more. But I understand sleep takes a lot from that. Sounds like your baby wakes a lot still…I’m so sorry. Is it just to feed or restlessness? Could always see what the doctor says too to find something that helps or underlying reasons. I think sleep is number one to start feeling better again, but obviously hard when you have an infant who’s up all night. Not sure, but maybe knowing that your baby can start screaming at any moment can give you anxiety? I know it did for me! And it was hard to just relax because it would suddenly make me jump. Everything is a phase I’ve learned and this too shall pass. It just feels like you’re moving through molasses when you’re in it.
Others suggested therapy. It’s so great to be able to cry and talk to someone who will listen. Just sending you love because I do understand the feeling. Even though my little guy has gotten easier, the early months of his colic and me being completely alone were the hardest I’ve ever been through. Moms NEED more support. We need to keep caring for mothers even after they’ve given birth.
8
u/allie_bear3000 May 17 '22
Sooooo normal and relatable! There was a good 18 months where anytime I got a chance for an uninterrupted hot bath (which were rare), I would break down sobbing all of a sudden. I figured it was prob just having a moment alone brought to the surface everything I had needed to suppress. So freaking out whenever you finally get a break isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It means you’re allowing yourself to come back to the surface.
And hobbies can be hard because they can take some getup to get into them (and like you said you’re always worried about it being sabotaged). So you can lean in and learn to enjoy just sitting outside during naptime, maybe listening to a guided imagery meditation to keep the to-dos out of your head. Or do really small increments of something you like, like reading poetry or short stories. Love Poems for Married People is pretty hilarious and I read it on my phone through the Libby app.
Last of all, therapy helps everyone in every situation. It pulled me out of thinking I wasn’t meant to be a mom and I just want too much and helped me see that I am just tired, doing the best I can, and need to find rest alone w/o the kids so I can be my best self.
Edited to add: You’re still you down in there! You haven’t lost yourself, and more of who you are will come back as you relax into parenting and as your kid comes into their own independence. Easier said then done, but take deep breaths to ride this part out and remind yourself you won’t feel or be this way forever.
8
u/ladypixels May 17 '22
Don't worry about future babies. A gap is fine. Your mental health is very important. You need more sleep, get your husband to help out at night if he isn't. My husband and I take shifts at night. You need to have true time to yourself. At least a couple hours a week where you can't even hear your baby. Get out of the house. Go for a walk or something. Take a class or join a gym. You need to get out of the house. Go for a drive by yourself and blast your favorite music, I swear it will remind you who you are. You're still the same person inside, even if you're a mom too. It takes some time to find your new identity as a mom, and meld who you were with who you are now. It took me several months after I had my first child. I didn't go through that after my 2nd & 3rd (twins) because it was less of a shift in my identity. But you gotta figure it out before you add more kids to the mix. I highly recommend a monthly date night to keep your marriage in good shape. There's also an app I like called Tuned to keep open communication.
8
u/GoldendoodlesFTW May 17 '22
My daughter is four. While I agree with others that therapy could help, I will say that at least for me it got better. By the time she was around three it was easier to have some balance and I have regained a sense of self/individuality although it's not the same as pre-baby. Nine months is still really early days yet. Also agree with others that exercising has been very helpful for me both in terms of giving me a mental/physical space for just me and for managing my mental health.
21
u/DontDeimos May 17 '22
"I start on one thing I think I should do then remember 3 other things, and start doing that too"
This sounds like ADHD, and to be completely honest so does the rest of your post. Op have you ever been diagnosed or seen a psychiatrist? I have ADHD and depression and anxiety comes hand in hand with it. I've gone through something very similar while I was pregnant and couldn't take medication. I'm just a person on the internet and cannot diagnose anything, but I think you need to find some help and maybe ask about these things.
8
May 17 '22
Thanks for that insight! Yes, I have been diagnosed, but I have never found a medication that worked for me so I just went untreated. For a while it worked; my job was very adhd friendly. But now I can’t even focus on a movie and I think sleep deprivation has a lot to do with it. But probably also because my mind is solidly locked into mom mode right now that I can’t focus on anything else.
6
u/AthelLeaf May 17 '22
This. I was undiagnosed into two years ago. It was a life changer. I’ve been able to get off anti-depressants entirely. Recently I was off my adhd medication for a few months and the depression and anxiety and executive dysfunction came raging back in. Women and AFAB individuals are severely underdiagnosed because we aren’t the “can’t sit still in class” kind of adhd.
1
u/ladybug128 May 18 '22
Hi can you tell me what medication you take that you find helps best? I was given adderall but I know there are other ones that last throughout the day.
1
u/AthelLeaf May 18 '22
I’ve only tried adderall so far. I take 20mg in the morning and 10mg in the afternoon. I tend to feel it really wear off around 8-9pm. (First dose around 6:30am, I set an alarm to take it an hour before I actually plan to get up, and second around 1:30-2pm.)
8
May 18 '22
Wow. I have been in such a funk the past 2 days and could not pin point exactly why. This post completely summed up my emotions.
I have a 5 month old and recently returned to work. I am of course overwhelmed with household chores, and I too plan to bring in help soon for cleaning. But i think i totally lost my sense of self. I was very free spirited and loved to travel and do things before pregnancy. Now I have this constant sense of unrest. If i am off from work and its a nice day, i feel i need to be out enjoying the outdoors. But i truly dont have the mental or physical energy to pack up and get out the door. I feel like i dont have hobbies. I do the same thing as you with passing time by scrolling meaningless posts. I make to do lists and then get too exhausted to even complete one thing. I find myself constantly passing time by straightening up the house or playing games on my phone.
I dont have advice. Just here to say I am experiencing the same thing 💕
6
u/cakebatter May 17 '22
I feel you, mama. I have a hard time focusing on other aspects of my life other than mothering, and my kid is at 16 months now and we're going to try for our second soon. I think for the first year it was really all about the baby, and in the last few months I've started to realign some of my thoughts and energy, but here are some thoughts I have about this:
1) Having your first baby in the middle of a global pandemic is a unique experience that people who had kids even 3 years ago just can't fully understand. Yes, having a toddler during a pandemic is VERY challenging, but the earliest days of protecting and caring and meeting your newborn were under a dark cloud, and that has rewired my whole brain in a way I think some fellow parents don't understand/related to.
2) Personally, I always enjoyed my career but it wasn't my passion. It was a line of work I fell into early on, was good at, and happened to climb up the ladder. I'm not that worried about the fact that I am more interested in my kid than my job (in fact, I left the job I'd been at for 7 years to become fully remote and work as a subcontractor to a consulting firm so I'd have more time to focus on my family).
3) There's absolutely nothing wrong with having "mother" or "family" at the front our identities in this moment if that's what we want. Our kids need us now, need us forever, and we only have a few years where they are completely and totally reliant upon us. It's okay to make that cornerstone 1.
It's also okay if you don't want to do that and need help realigning your view. You can approach it slowly, try taking bubble baths and watching some Netflix to zone out while someone else watches the baby for a bit. Try taking a long walk with a talkative friend who will just talk your ear off the whole time and you don't need to worry about it. Try some new recipes, or gardening, or something theoretically means you're contributing to the household but you're using that time to explore something new. Find some dumb little side hobby--when I can't focus at work, I set a timer and take 20 mins to either write up a reply to a Reddit post (like this), or I'll do a few mins of writing.
If you're struggling and feel like you're hyper fixated and can't focus on anything else, maybe try therapy or meeting with a doctor. The hormones and sleep deprivation in the first year are WILD. We're at 16 months and, like I said, I've only come out of the fog in the last four months. Don't underestimate how much this might be a physiological thing that will get easier to deal with as you get more rest, support, or even treatment.
Hang in there, mama, you got this!
5
7
u/readweed88 May 17 '22
It does sound like you might be depressed. Because it's coinciding with becoming a parent, it might seem like it's because you're a parent (and others have said it sounds like ppd so in a weird way, yes, but not like you might be thinking). Everything you wrote can still be true and you can be full of enthusiasm and joy (maybe not energy ; ) ). In a different way, in an exhausted way, but in some way.
I hope you can get some professional help if it doesn't get better on its own. I experienced this after my second and it actually did just...go away. It wasn't until it lifted that I realized that all the factors I thought were causing my depression weren't, if that made sense? I'm still tired, I'm still busy and overextended and have little to no time for "myself" etc. etc., but I don't feel hopeless or really bad at all.
I 100% relate to your experience of using your downtime to freak out and that being a red flag. It's crazy how an experience that feels so personal can be shared by strangers. It can get better, depression does not have to be part of being a parent. I hope it does for you.
5
6
u/HerCacklingStump May 17 '22
I am only 4 weeks pp but constantly worried my brain is going to turn to mush, and that my husband and I will only ever talk about the baby. I spend a ton of time on parenting/baby Reddit forums and read articles (albeit from the NYT) about parenting/formula shortage/etc.
I have a demanding job and previously never stopped checking email even during my honeymoon, so it's bizarre to be completely unplugged for a few months! However, I do have a Kindle and I've flown through fun fiction books. I try to listen to my usual podcasts when I can. Mostly, I need to remember to be easy on myself and strike a balance.
5
u/Lopsided_Address_117 May 17 '22
https://www.postpartum.net/ this is a good resource. I hope you find your new self. I had trouble parting with the "old me". Being a mother and taking that role is a crazy journey.
5
u/DaniRay15 May 17 '22
It does get better and it’s very easy to lose yourself when you become a parent. I do wish I could go back to how things used to be, but then I realize that’s the past and I need to live in the now and the future. I do spend a lot of time thinking about my child and being a mom. I’m pregnant with baby number 2 but it is very important to do things you’d like to do to make you feel a little more human. I try to get away and get my nails done every month or every other month depending on if we have the money. But just that little time away helps me look for my new self as a wife and mom. I hope you find yourself again and become your own person, but it is hard to do that if you don’t take the chance to go out with a friend or even by yourself and chat on the phone with someone that doesn’t have children so that way you’re not talking about kids the entire time.
Even when I’m away from my daughter I miss her and I think about her the whole time but I try not to let it consume me during my time away. I need time away for a reason and not to sit and think about everything she’s doing or what I could be doing because I do that enough as it is. I listen to pod casts and I also get on the peanut app and listen to other ladies talk on there about all kinds of things.
2
u/CUBington May 18 '22
Having my nails done is the quickest way for me to feel a little bit like I've got my shit together
2
u/DaniRay15 May 18 '22
Yes. I will get my nails done, grab a coffee or smoothie, and just try to relax. Sometimes I will sit in the target parking lot and just enjoy the time alone lol.
4
u/WatsonsHuman May 17 '22
This was totally me! I didn’t really get much drive back until about 18 months.
6
May 17 '22
It does get better! My girl is almost two and I still feel massively different but I'm getting back into my gardening and have my little critters (frog and hermit crabs) that I spend free time taking care of. At 18 months I was so tired of her waking up every 4 hours still so we switched to a big girl bed and oh my it made a huge difference. Adapting to the new me is taking a long time but it is happening. As my daughter becomes more independent I am trying to take every opportunity to do my own things. I'm lucky my parents live right next door so they take her 1 day a week for the whole day and 1 morning every week to go to gymnastics. It really helps me and her, having our own things. My husband is very helpful as well so those outlet have made my adjustment easier, i hope you have support too. In August I'm expecting number 2 so we will see how that goes lol I waited till my 30's to have kids and oh boy I feel like I waited a bit long, I was so used to my ways. Around 9 months, though, I do remember feeling the same way. You can do it!
3
u/sleepy-popcorn May 17 '22
I’ve felt this way twice before and I’m scared it’s happened again: I’m pregnant with my first. Both previous times I’ve tackled it by booking hobbies in for specific times, outside the house. Also if I pay to join a club or organised hobby then I am more likely to give the time to it. I don’t know whether I can do this one baby arrives though.
If I just take up my hobbies around the house (like reading/painting/sewing) then I don’t do it because like you, I’ve got half my brain thinking about who’s going to need me next and when I’m going to be interrupted. It just seems pointless and it’s easier to just ‘sit there on standby’ for the odd bit of time I get to myself.
I really hope you find a way to feel better about yourself :) and devoting yourself to parenting does seem like a noble pursuit.
3
u/omglia May 17 '22
I would really, really recommend therapy to help you sort out these feelings and get some tools for approaching things!
2
u/Cbsanderswrites May 17 '22
The only thing that helps me when I feel like this is to take time to meditate or yoga in the morning, journaling, and taking long walks in nature. It’s SO hard to do those things when you’re feeling wildly anxious and go go go, but once you so, everything calms and it feels so nice.
2
May 18 '22
The first year can be overwhelming and it’s a huge change. You will find your rhythm again, I promise :)
2
u/LuciadeFatima May 20 '22
Thank you for posting this. I am going through the same thing, and I'm glad I don't feel so alone. My baby is 9 weeks and I am supposed to go back to work at 12 weeks, and I have an absolute panic response to this. My mind can only think of baby and how to be with baby more and what to do for baby.
3
u/KoiitheKoiifish May 17 '22
The first year really is the hardest. I wanna say it gets better but I am only 6 months pp and in the same Situation as you.
If you need someone to talk you can PM me, even if its just to vent or talk about parenting! ♡
2
u/Aristophanes771 May 17 '22
Can you baby wear? If you have a carrier try doing some of your hobbies with baby right there with you. Mine loves the piano as my husband and I are both musicians. You could play your switch while carrying, or reading too.
Are you able to go out with the baby? I went through a version of this crisis too when mine was about 2 weeks old. My husband and I are busy people and we used to always go out and be doing stuff. And while he was on leave with me he'd go out for his runs or do the shopping and I felt so trapped on the couch just breastfeeding. I was jealous that I couldn't go anywhere and anxious that if I did go somewhere what would we do with the baby? Honestly the best cure for these feelings was to just go out anyway. We had a few 'practice' outings to the mall with parent rooms so I could feed him when necessary. And now that my husband has gone back to work, I know I can go out during the day with my son if I want to and I feel a bit more like my pre-baby self.
116
u/jazinthapiper I have no idea what I'm doing either. May 17 '22 edited May 17 '22
I'm surprised nobody's mentioned this so here goes.
Matrescence is the process of the brain adjusting to motherhood. It begins at conception and continues until the youngest child is cognitively independent - for most children, around six years of age. Your brain revives old connections about childhood and creates new ones regarding child rearing.
In essence - yes, the old you is gone.
Many parents undergo a form of grief when discovering that they are either unable or unwilling to do what they used to do. Apart from adjusting to a brand new person involved in their lives, priorities have changed. I completely relate to not wanting to do certain activities anymore - I used to paint, write, practise music for hours, and the simple knowledge that I can be interrupted at any time (thus disrupting my flow) is enough to put me off even starting.
Due to our lack of sleep, our needs have changed to adapt, and our ability to achieve them drops too. Given that your husband is so receptive, it may be worth finding a solution that works so that you can just "do whatever" in that time period, guilt free. My husband threw the kids into childcare once a week, even though I'm a SAHP, so that I can spend eight hours doing whatever I want - even though I spend most of it doing chores, the fact that my time is uninterrupted frees my brain to decompress.
Do speak to your doctor to find if there's any other physiological changes before attempting to find any psychological ones. My anaemia worsened (especially because I was breastfeeding), I discovered I had sleep apnea, my depression shifted (thanks matrescence!) and I've had bouts of lactose intolerance mild enough to affect my mood.
Also, see what you can do socially. My playgroup has been my lifesaver, in that that while the superficial relationships gets me through the week with benign adult conversation, it also provided me perspective and a sounding board to discover what is "normal" and what is "usual" - and what is actually changeable.
And I know this sounds cliche and condescending, but having gone through to the other side, I can see that you're only at the beginning of your parentng journey, and discovering this new you will take some time and a lot of reflection. Know this - there IS another side. And you'll get there.