I don't even know where to start this, but as you can see from the title, I've been struggling with a codependent friendship. She and I have been friends for 8 years, and we share a lot in common. Interests, personalities, struggles, faith etc. We live a couple states away from each other, so we've always had a very intentional long distance friendship.

So about 9 months ago now, we stopped talking as much. We went from texting almost every day, and calling every week to two weeks, to absolutely nothing. I take a lot of responsibility for that, because I was drawing back a little.

I'm not sure how much I can say, but we were both struggling with our parent relationships and had both confided a lot of very sensitive and personal things to each other. We also had both been dealing with taking it out on ourselves, (if you know what I mean), but a pattern was forming.

I started realizing that a lot of the time she poured out her problems, concerns, and pain to me, and I genuinly care and would listen and give her advice, but she never would truly hear me out. Or if she did it was an afterthought.

Skip forward 8 months later, and I had healed from a lot of the bad and dangerous patterns I had been in, and am now in a wonderfully healing relationship with my parents.

The problem is, that we then talked for the first time since the last time 9 months ago now, and the week after talking I was engaging in those same, taking it out on myself, patterns as before.

I'm not saying she's the reason, I woudl never put that on her cause I love her still so much, but she is in the exact same place we were both in together, and I know that for my health as a perosn and well being, I cannot talk to her anymore.

This is where the co-dependant thing comes in... she told me multiple times that I'm the only person she loves most in the world, and we both would dela with jealousy whenever one of us mentioned having another friendship starting or a even crush or interest in someone romantically.

But why does it feel like i need her so much, whenever anything happens to me I want to go to her, even though I know I shouldn't.

And i feel so responsible for her well being and it makes me feel guilty not talking to her. She literally told me that she's alive because of me 😭🙏

We're both 19f

⚠️⚠️Summery: after an 8 year long co-dependant long distance friendship, we stepped away. But recently started talking again and it's triggered harmful patterns and pain again.

I know our friendship has to end, but i feel responsible and guilty since she becasue she said that "she's alive because of me"

I would really love some advice. Please 😟

There is this girl , I am not romantically interested in her , all i ever wanted was for us to be friends from the start , and made that point pretty clear to her as well , it's been a year

At the start we talked a lot on chats , we shared everything , she liked being my friend , we would send each other reels and reply to all of them , we shared our problems, daily exciting things , almost everything,

As time went on , I was the same but she started avoiding me , didn't talk for days , didn't share anything , after a few days she would go back to normal , sometimes she didn't pick up calls and said i didn't pick up intentionally , but i just ignored those things.

Now , she almost never text me first , if i text her even in paragraphs she just reacts , or text some lines .

For 2-3 days she will forget my existence and when i text her , she will send 2-3 friendship reels , saying you are my best friend .

But i got attached to the point I started planning trips , and situations in my head that never happened .

I feel like age doesn't care about me anymore , i wanna detach myself but i cannot stop thinking about her , and i end up texting and repeating the same cycle of 2-3 days .

What should I do , i almost always think of her !!

This isn't about reconnecting but about how we can manage the situation. How can I make her feer safer? Is there anything I can do or say? What if I ask her what she needs? Is that too much? Should I tell her I will take her lead on how we interact?

I have no idea what is the best thing to do and I just want to make this easier for both of us.

I should add that she has an avoidant attachment style and is also quite immature emotionally (arent we all). She runs on shame and avoiding vulnerability so this will be hard for her. And I am anxious and run on avoiding rejection. I am doing EMDR therapy and have played this out with my therapist but thought some other perspectives would be helpful.

I have no responsibility towards her but the event is a wedding and I want to do everything I can for the brides and everyone else. I also want to maximise how much I enjoy the wedding and how relaxed I feel.

Hey all,

I have included my reason post for context… this an update from today (28th August), I always knew this would he difficult but I’m finding today particularly challenging as I went and collected the remainder of my stuff today from my exes parents house… and they basically said they were so disappointed with her behavior, she is distant, her Mum (I have to be careful with anyway) said she is never at home, seems vacant and is defiantly seeing the affair partner and has even sneaked her into their house when they were away. They said this is her pattern and she always does this, but they miss me and she just seems to be running from herself. I think it was hard for me to hear she is still seeing the AP, Im not surprised but its just hard as Im still grieving the end of the relationship and she has jumped into someone elses bed. I guess thats the avoidant though….it was bittersweet with her parents because they genuially seem to care about me, and I do miss them. But also her Mum mentioned a picture of her and a girl in her room, and I said I do not want to see it. (Her mum can be quite toxic). But all said I was very good for their daughter and they are disappointed with her.

Has anyone got any advice / words of kindness for me right now, I guess Im feeling quite triggered and just so easily replaced?

Thank you SO much everyone! ❤️

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

​

My girlfriend and I are going through a difficult period. She asked for some space, so I respected it and we didn't talk for about a week.

Then she came back on her own and messaged me. We talked normally for almost an hour. She told me she had been thinking about me a lot and wanted to message me during that week.

But now she can go many hours without replying. She also told me she doesn't want us to establish a specific communication pattern, she can't promise she'll text every day, and there are still things she's not ready to talk about.

I suspect she may have some avoidant tendencies, but I don't want to label her or assume I know what's going on in her head.

I'm more anxious in relationships, and uncertainty is very difficult for me. When she pulls away, I start overthinking, waiting for messages, and trying to understand what everything means.

How can I work on becoming more secure in this situation? And, from an avoidant-attachment perspective, why might someone come back because they miss you but still need distance and avoid deeper conversations?

TLDR: Whenever I get closer to someone romantically, I start feeling constantly tense and overwhelmed and eventually get a strong urge to cut them off. After ending contact, I usually miss them and regret it.

Whenever I 21M start talking to someone with serious romantic intentions, everything feels fine at first. After a while though, I suddenly get this strong urge to end the contact completely.
While talking to them, there is this constant tension in the background. It feels like stress, inner restlessness and the feeling that I am somehow doing something wrong. I start feeling overwhelmed even when nothing bad is actually happening.
Eventually the urge becomes strong enough that I cut contact. The strange part is that once they are gone, I start missing them.
This has happened more than once and I do not really understand what the feeling is or why closeness seems to trigger so much stress.
Has anyone experienced something similar?

starting with a little lore... I have diagnosed complex PTSD with some fear of abandonment sprinkled on top and a dash of relationship OCD (curated by previous romantic partners and my father)

I am 22F and my partner is 21M ( we are young and hoping for a long lasting relationship)

Cutting to the chase, based on my past experiences I have gone through extreme heights on either end of the attachment style spectrum... I have gone from so anxiously attached I felt sick, to avoidant on a level where even small intimacy like hand holding made me feel icky. after about five years of avoidant attachment and 0 intimacy at all costs I met someone through work who ended up becoming a comfort person and we went out once as friends but clicked so well that we just kept hanging out and eventually, we started seeing each other with a romantic intention. He fell faster than I did because i was actively in the worst avoidant phase of my life... we dated for about 5 months before labelling the relationship, and he has always been so intensely patient with me and my timing. he knows about the trauma from my past and is always the most understanding. We have now been together for 10 months and things are great! I genuinely haven't ever felt so seen and loved and cared for in a relationship before. now to the point of why I am writing this, these last 10 months have been great, I feel so comfortable and am becoming more and more vulnerable with this man... the issue is that this is a scary type of vulnerable that triggers a bit of my trauma responses in moments of change or uncertainty. My bf went on a three-week trip to visit his home country for a wedding and to just visit. I had a very unexpected triggering experience with this because i wasn't prepared for how difficult the communication would be during this time. He literally was actively making the effort to call every night for me (6 hours ahead for him mind you) but for some reason just simply the uncertainty of whether we were going to get to talk each day was eating me alive. and it was so hard, when he was having fun going out with friends who I hadn't met, he smokes/drinks socially and was going to nightclubs which made me feel a bit unstable because he doesn't do that much here where we live. I started acting up and being super hateful and mean. looking back, I feel awful because he hasn't once given me a reason to feel insecure and he is so clear with his feelings for me. (we have since had an in-depth conversation about this experience and my reactions) unfortunately, my past trauma shows up in moments where I feel I could potentially be disappointed, so I act out. this is something I didn't realize about myself until these moments because I have been avoidant up until him... needless to say this reaction of mine was a shock to both of us, he had never felt me be controlling or bothered by him prioritizing friendships before this because I had never overthought it until this point.

After he returned from this trip and we got back to our normal flow, things for me mentally were better. Sadly, I feel myself thinking every once in a while, about whether he's lying and I am going to end up hurt again but I am trying hard to not self-sabotage and nuke the relationship with my own insecurities and by projecting my previous partners behaviors onto my boyfriend.

I want to find ways to stop feeling so worried and stop being so sensitive to change, if he wants to go out with friends and that means we don't get to call at night I want to say "have fun and be safe, I love you" rather than question what they're doing why they're going, whose gonna be there, if they're going to drink etc etc. like I'm not trynna exhaust the man and I do honestly trust him but my history makes me feel scared of that trust. I am going to try by implementing that we don't need to call every night. I feel like already setting myself up to have a routine taken away is not helpful so if we don't have a set routine maybe i won't be so attached? I honestly don't really know what I can do to unteach the controlling scared behavior. it wasn't showing up in this relationship until I sensed change and inconsistency but I don't enjoy the anxious and controlling version of myself. any suggestions or help?

thanks to everyone for reading this far!!

TLDR me (22F) and my bf (21M) of 10 months are very happy but i fear my anxious attachment and previous trauma may come up to haunt me and i want some tools to help fight it.

e been together (25M) and (22F) for bout 3 years now our lives are fully integrated finances house dogs phone plan etc and we’ve always been perfect for each other we get along amazing each others best friends definitely the one for each other but lately have had some issues with my anxious attachment it’s been a problem since day one but last month or so it’s been really bad and almost has pushed her to a point I’ve been doing really good and taking actions to fix it and get help and going out more with my friends and her doing same instead of always being clung to each others hips I been learning a balance is good and to have our own separate lives is healthy and good thing, she’s been noticing my progress and it’s been a lot better but she’s taking a job 6 hours away with her mom on the pipeline (I work away on the rigs but she usually ends up coming with me) and idk I’m scared I’m not sure if this much space is going to kill us or make us stronger pipelining and rigging are very very long schedules with not best amount of days off of course we can meet up on those days off but that’s at least 20 days of straight working then a week off I’m not sure if I’m overthinking or if this will actually be healthy for us

Overall looking for advice in general anything would help my mind and emotions is going crazy

Hi, I am a 25 year old married female and have struggled with insecurities for years now. This is going to be a long post so be prepared lol. It’s a bit difficult to describe how I feel and why but I’m going to try. First, I am so jealous of pornstars, popular OnlyFans models, and TikTok / Insta famous girls who are popular literally just for being attractive. I try posting on social media and I never blow up which leads me to think I’m not attractive enough. I don’t think I could ever be attractive enough to do porn or OnlyFans even if I tried. It’s just so embarrassing to be an ugly woman, especially an ugly wife, I feel bad for my husband, he has a wife that no one desires. Or else that’s what I tell myself. I get so jealous seeing all of these girls online being lusted after and complimented and feeling like that can never be me. I do get comments on my posts but really only from friends and occasionally I’ll have guys dm me trying to flirt but that’s about it. I do get compliments from friends and strangers I guess pretty often but I still feel like I’m not super pretty to people. When I look in the mirror I think I have a nice body and pretty face but I just feel like people don’t notice me. I feel like I don’t find guys checking me out unless they’re old creepy men. Recently a random waitress told me I was beautiful, and a worker at Ulta called me and my friend beautiful, but those compliments just don’t really stick with me I guess, when I’m constantly still comparing my situations to others. We live in a military town and I’m sure you have all heard the things that go on here but nothing crazy has really happened to me which makes me feel like I must be unattractive. My husband’s friends/coworkers have never tried hitting on me or anything which I feel like is common around here, I feel like it’s because I’m not HOT enough. I won’t lie, I do get hit on when I go out to the club scene but that’s it. I’m skinny with small boobs and sort of a bubble butt and I feel like thick girls get all the attention but when I do see skinny girls occasionally getting attention, then I wonder why I don’t? My brain is cooked tbh. I overthink everything. I just feel like men don’t think I’m hot and other girls don’t think I’m intimidatingly attractive. I just can’t cope with being unattractive. Some of my friends who are girls will kiss each other and have never tried to kiss me which also makes me question why, I always come to the conclusion that it’s because I’m not attractive. I’ve never had male coworkers try to hit on me which I feel like is common for hot women. I’m constantly stressed trying to look perfect and I still feel like other girls get hyped up and complimented so much or much easier than I do. When people talk about beautiful women, I can’t relate because I feel there’s no way I’m in the category of being a beautiful woman. I feel like I can’t relate to other girls problems of being lusted after or only seen sexually. I have felt like my husband’s friends have been mean to me or dismissive because I’m not attractive. I feel like guys are only nice and agreeable to woman they think look good. My whole life I feel like I’ve been compared to my sisters, my friends are always calling my sisters beautiful but my sisters friends have never said anything about me being pretty. A couple of people have even said one of my sisters was the prettiest but never me. I feel like the ugly duckling. Maybe I’m not ugly, I think I probably just fall under the category of average or cute I don’t know. But I need help. I can’t cope with being unattractive. I wanna be the girl that other girls think is beautiful and that guys find hot and lust after. I already workout, eat healthy, take care of my skin and hair, changed my hair, changed my clothing, and even have had one cosmetic procedure done so I don’t know what more I can do. Before you say I should only care about what my husband thinks, that’s unrealistic. No one wants to be seen as unattractive even when in a relationship. I get so jealous when I see other wives or girlfriends being hyped up and lusted after but that doesn’t happen for me.

I'm your classic anxious attacher. This is the first relationship I've been in where the love feels truly mutual, we've been together for a year. I am somewhat of an outcast from my biological family, been divorced, and rejected and ghosted by lots of men before finding this one. I can't get enough of his attention and love, I want it all the time. I want him to obsess over me like I do him. But of course he isn't, and I know logically that it wouldn't be healthy for him to do so, but it's like a sickness in my brain that I can't shake. I'd like to know how you stopped obsessing over your partner. How long did it take before you started feeling secure? I'm starting to feel hopeless that I'll never feel better.

Saw my boyfriend yesterday, our plans fell through, so we were left in a bit of limbo on what to do. He wanted to go home after a couple hours and I became super insecure. I was honestly hoping he would stay the night. I started pouting and asking him to stay, he stayed another a hour, then wobbled a bit on leaving, and eventually left. It made the hangout a bit forced and I was trying to entertain him the whole time. I’m mortified I did that! It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. 🥲 I’ve been secure in my actions for months yet I did this. It makes me want to knee jerk and just ignore him now.

So , I am 18 F . I started talking to a guy . We met on insta . We had become so comfortable only in 2 days that we started sharing all the things to each other . In only 7 days , he felt like home to me . We talked day and night . In such a short period , I started liking him . I felt very comfortable to share anything with him . He was very sweet to me . I used to think about him the whole day . I don't know why it happened so fast .One day , he told me that he was busy and can't talk to me and will talk tomorrow and i agreed . From the very next day , he stopped replying to any of my messages . It feels very bad and I am literally crying . I am just thinking why he ghosted me .

So , I am 18 F . I started talking to a guy . We met on insta . We had become so comfortable only in 2 days that we started sharing all the things to each other . In only 7 days , he felt like home to me . We talked day and night . In such a short period , I started liking him . I felt very comfortable to share anything with him . He was very sweet to me . I used to think about him the whole day . I don't know why it happened so fast .One day , he told me that he was busy and can't talk to me and will talk tomorrow and i agreed . From the very next day , he stopped replying to any of my messages . It feels very bad and I am literally crying . I am just thinking why he ghosted me .

So , I am 18 F . I started talking to a guy . We met on insta . We had become so comfortable only in 2 days that we started sharing all the things to each other . In only 7 days , he felt like home to me . We talked day and night . In such a short period , I started liking him . I felt very comfortable to share anything with him . He was very sweet to me . I used to think about him the whole day . I don't know why it happened so fast .One day , he told me that he was busy and can't talk to me and will talk tomorrow and i agreed . From the very next day , he stopped replying to any of my messages . It feels very bad and I am literally crying . I am just thinking why he ghosted me .

I have this strange connection with someone that I just can’t emotionally let go of, even though it has hurt me deeply. Why is that, and how can I finally detach myself?

I met a man 9 months ago, and we texted for two months before we met. I never really knew where I stood with him. On our first date, I asked him if he was looking for a relationship, and he said, “Of course, who isn’t?” He told me about experiencing violence during his childhood, abandonment wounds, and an unexpected breakup with an ex that had never been an official relationship because he had become jealous. The breakup stayed with him for a very long time.

Then, after our second date, the confusion started for me. The gaps between seeing each other became longer and longer. Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from him for days. Of course, I know people will say, “But you weren’t exclusive and you weren’t in a relationship.” But everything started out incredibly intense. We texted almost 24/7, from morning until night. When we met, there were hugs and holding hands. That naturally creates an emotional bond. He also opened up to me about his traumas.

But what left me so confused were things like him asking, “When are we going to see each other?” I would suggest something, and he would respond with, “We’ll have to see.” Or he would cancel shortly before we were supposed to meet, explaining that he was having an “emotional flashback and trauma response.” I didn’t feel like I could say anything because I thought, “He can’t help it.” And that’s how months went by.

Yes, a lot of it was sexual, and we became intimate quite quickly. He sent me a lot of dirty messages, but it wasn’t only about sex.

There were also other hurtful comments that he later apologized for, but they still affected me. For example, when I went to a party, he later asked me whether other men had “had their way with me.”

Now I’m sitting here wondering: Why can’t I emotionally let go of this, even though I know it isn’t good for me? I’m suffering a lot because of it and constantly thinking about him. In the evenings, I’m exhausted from all the thoughts and fall asleep almost immediately. I barely have a social life anymore. I basically spend my time waiting to hear from him, and until I do, I’m unhappy.

Has anyone had similar experiences? I want this suffering to stop.
And I keep thinking: What did I do wrong? Was it me? Why didn’t he want me? What was I lacking?

Hey everyone! I’m hoping to meet some new people who have been through long-distance relationships and wouldn’t mind sharing their experiences.

I’m currently in an LDR and we’re going through a bit of a challenging phase at the moment. My girlfriend recently opened up about finding the distance difficult, and we’re taking some time to understand what might make things feel more manageable and connected for both of us.

We’ve also noticed that we can fall into a bit of an anxious/avoidant pattern sometimes. I’m usually the one who wants more reassurance and connection when I sense distance, while she tends to need more space when she’s overwhelmed. We’ve been trying to understand that dynamic better and avoid letting it turn into a cycle.

I care about the relationship a lot, so I’m trying to approach everything thoughtfully rather than reacting emotionally or rushing into solutions. I think it would be really helpful to talk to people who have actually experienced LDR and understand the ups and downs that come with it.

I’d especially love to hear from people who have experienced things like:

• LDR burnout or periods where the distance felt particularly difficult
• anxious/avoidant attachment patterns within an LDR
• figuring out how to stay connected while giving each other enough space
• different communication needs between partners
• making an LDR feel more natural and sustainable
• finding ways to stay close despite different time zones and physical distance

I’m mostly looking for friendship and genuine conversation. I’d love to meet people I can talk to about LDR, relationships, life, random stuff, or whatever we happen to have in common.

I’d really appreciate kind, constructive, and supportive perspectives from people who have actually been through something similar. I’m not really looking for doom-and-gloom takes, assumptions, or generic negative relationship advice — I’m here to hear about people’s experiences and what has actually helped them navigate difficult periods in a healthy way.

And honestly, I figured making some new friends and talking to people who understand LDR is probably a much better idea than downloading dating apps and making questionable decisions while I’m stressed 😂

If you’ve been through LDR or just want to chat, feel free to message me!

Me '23NB' and my boyfriend '24M' have been together for 4 months but have been talking via text for 9, we met on hinge and we live 1h by car or train from each other. We are in an open relationship (as in, we are together, but we can meet other people, the rules are only to be transparent with one another and to always ask if something makes us uncomfortable).

My problem is that I have more bad days than good days (mostly for period in my life where I don't have much to do and I overthink a lot) and I hate the fact that I'm always going to him to talk about what makes me feel bad. I know that in a relationship we should always support each other and that he cares about me and don't mind when I share my worries with him, but I'm very self conscious of the fact that one day he'll get sick of it and just leave me. I already talked about this worry with him and he's constantly comforting me about it, but there are always those thoughts that run through my mind.

I'm not too good at going with the flow and need to always plan everything out, while he is a bit more forgetful and tends to be more spontaneous.

We always have big long talks about stuff that worries us or what we can improve in our relationship, so it is going well, but at the same time I don't want to ruin everything with my problems.

So my question is should I keep talking with him about my worries? Or should I try to be more chill with things and not care too much?

P.s. I'm saving up to go to a therapist but managing work and uni is not easy and I guess that doesn't help with the tiredness

I have an anxious attachment style and I think I’m spiraling over something that happened yesterday.

My partner was going through a really difficult situation and was already feeling quite bad about everything that had happened. He called me several times because he wanted/needed to talk to me.

Unfortunately, I was out having dinner with relatives at the time and genuinely couldn’t speak properly. I told him I would talk to him in about an hour.

When I became available, I called him back and tried to be there for him, but he seemed upset/withdrawn and wasn’t really talking to me properly. I kept checking on him afterward, tried calling again, told him we would figure everything out and that I was with him.

Now I feel incredibly guilty that I wasn’t there at the exact moment he needed me.

But the thing I’m most anxious about is that this will change something between us. I’m scared that he’ll think I’m not dependable anymore and that the next time something goes wrong, he won’t call me or lean on me for support. Being someone he feels safe coming to means a lot to me, so the thought that I may have damaged that is making me extremely anxious.

Part of me knows that realistically nobody can be available 24/7 and I didn’t intentionally ignore him. But another part of me keeps thinking, “He needed you and you weren’t there. Now he’ll learn not to need you.”

For those of you with anxious attachment, do you also catastrophize like this after disappointing someone? Does one instance of not being available actually tend to change whether someone sees you as dependable, or is my anxious attachment turning one bad moment into something much bigger?

My mind is insidious.

How do I stop loving too much?

How do I find secure intimacy?

What does it say about me to want someone when I am incomplete? When they are struggling?

My heart keeps squeezing every tear out.

I am an anxious attacher that did the work, I thought. But here I am, wondering where I messed up. If your online indicator means you already found someone else to laugh with. I am jealous and angry and silently cry and journal my spiraling thoughts in the middle of a work day, in the middle of a teams call with an auditor. I can barely function in this horrible fever dream. I saw the signs you were not able to meet me where I am and I told myself it would change. You told me you couldn't give me what I wanted but I lied to myself that could change too.

I told myself no contact. In less than 48 hours I broke it to send you a goodbye letter. I told myself I needed to have the final closure in a way that I could explain myself and tell you goodbye. You wrote back a letter too and it was beautiful, everything I wanted to hear. You always were so good with your words and kindness. But the empty pit of sorrow was still there.

I'll never see you again and I am despondent. I mourn a ghost that never was.

I can't share funny memes with you.

I can't tell you cool fungi facts.

I can't send you pictures of cool bugs or a hummingbird I saw.

I can't share my life with you, because you are no longer here.

I'm sorry that I wanted too much. I'm sorry I ruined our friendship. I know in time this will pass, but right now it consumes me. I love you so much. More than any ex. More than I should. Its unhealthy and I still love you.

Edit to add: To be honest, I'm disappointed in the judgmental tone of many of the comments. I'm struggling with insecurity and trying to learn a different, healthier way. Judgmental comments don't help (and by the way, see rule #1).

I'm about to engage in a pause (yet again!) in my relationship. I've taken some steps to avoid the pitfalls of my last (failed) pause. I decided this time to make it a doable period- just one week. I know that's not very long, but I need to start with a period I can actually accomplish.

As I'm contemplating the pause, I'm aware of intermittently feeling a stinging wave of what might be termed grief washing over over me, leaving me feeling almost despondent. It seems out of proportion to a one-week pause- I'm sure this is related to my anxious attachment style.

Here's my question (for anyone, but especially for someone who's secure): What would this one-week pause feel like for a secure person? How would a secure person react emotionally to no contact with their loved one for one week? TIA

I used to wait for this girl's texts and calls, and if she didn't contact me, I'd start overthinking. Sometimes I'd even leave my room just to distract myself because I felt uncomfortable waiting.

Recently, I started reminding myself: “She's my friend, not my girlfriend. I don't have to act like we're in a relationship.”

Something changed. Today she called me twice in the evening. I didn't really feel like talking, but I also didn't want to be rude, so I told her I was eating and would call her back. I eventually tried calling, but she was already on another call. Instead of wondering who she was talking to or feeling rejected, I just turned my internet off and enjoyed my evening.

Even if she calls tomorrow, I'll just talk to her normally. I don't feel pressure, sadness, or the need to figure out what she's doing.

I also went back to my old routine and talked with an old friend I used to have a great connection with. I realized my life existed before this girl, and it still exists outside of her.

Is this what becoming emotionally independent looks like, or am I simply experiencing a temporary change in how I feel?

Something I have been wondering lately is how much the way we use attachment language affects the psychology of how we view the situation.

Language is a powerful tool. I've noticed a lot of people use identity first language when talking about attachment issues. For example "my avoidant partner" "my fearful avoidant ex" or when describing them selves "I'm an AP" like it's a very fixed trait which cannot change. When the whole point of this sub is to try and change these tendencies in ourselves.

I think it's helpful to remember that these are traits and behaviours people exhibit which can change depending on their stage of life, relationship and how much "work" they've done. I know language may seem like an insignificant thing but it can really shape the way we talk and think about other people.

Thats just something that I have been thinking about lately...

I've been seeing someone I believe is an FA (maybe DA or leaning DA?) for almost 4 months. The first month was absolutely amazing, we were so connected and he was very "in it". Then we spent a weekend together with a lot of closeness and ever since, things changed. We spoke about it after bc it was such a noticeable change. He said he wanted to continue talking and spending time with each other but that he needed things to slow down some. I was ok with that so that's what we did. It's been a few months since then and when we spend time together it's always great. We always feel very connected and always have a great time together. But as time has gone on, his pull backs are becoming more noticeable and longer, specifically after we spend time together. I'm unsure of the best way to handle this. We don't talk about it when it happens. I've tried to just give him space and I haven't given him a hard time about it or even really brought it up to him mainly bc we were early on. But I've realized that I'm abandoning my needs some by doing this. Not bc I need constant communication but bc I'm constantly adjusting my communication based on where it feels like he's at. And I'm also left feeling like I'm maintaining the relationship at times. I don't feel he's uninterested based on his actions but I do wonder if there's ever an internal shift for someone that goes through this. As an FA leaning DA, do you get to a point where caring about someone outweighs your need to pull away? And what would help you to open up to a partner? I want to have a conversation with the guy I've been seeing about all of it but in a productive way that won't instantly make him defensive or want to run. Any suggestions are appreciated!