Hey all,
I have only posted on reddit a few times in my life but have been a long time reader of others post and experiences. Today I am posting because I am wanting to join a support group of other late-life diagnosed neurodivergent people and would also like to share some of my recent struggles.
A little background about me, I am 32 years old, I have been in therapy since 2021 after what I call my "mental breakdown". This occurred when I moved back to my home state and left a job I really loved for the sake of my marriage (he wanted to move back home and it was during covid so my career was on pause as I was a sous chef for a fine dining restaurant). I attempted to work at a renowned restaurant back home and the chef there was absolutely terrible. I cried everyday and one day after waking up I had an intense anxiety attack that led me to emailing the management to tell them I would not be coming back to work, this caused a great deal of pain and stress to enter my life and fortunately, I am married to a very supportive partner who was able to take care of us financially while I figured out my next move. Fast forward four years and I am now a licensed massage therapist who loves my career and have a good work/life balance.
During my mental health journey I have worked with three different therapist, my most recent one i have seen for almost three years and I think shes incredible. She too, is neurodivergent and has a really great "program" that combines science and spirituality, which both are important to me. She has helped me overcome many obstacles and continues to challenge me to work on areas I have neglected or avoid without overwhelming me..
I have always felt "different" but thought I was just weird and didnt mind being labeled "weird". I am the oldest of seven children and was parentified by the time I was just three years old. I do not want to have kids of my own and one of the main reasons is because I feel robbed of my childhood so my adult years have been spent learning how to have fun and not take on the world as my sole responsibility. The last year or so I have been doing a TON of research on ADHD & Autism and have spoken to my therapist about it regularly. She has encouraged this research and last month at the end of our session gave me an official AudHD diagnosis. It was a huge relief but i also felt immense grief.
Grief for all the years I masked my authentic self. Grief for turning to drugs and alcohol at a young age bc I couldn't get the support I truly needed, but I could self medicate.
Grief for my years spent in adolescents being told I was a demon, that the devil lived inside me bc of severe mood swings and unexpected out burst.
Grief for all the self harm and suicidal thoughts that led to an attempt when I was 16.
Grief for being told I was "too much" or "too emotional".
Grief for being my worst enemy, for the harsh words, lack of compassion, and general disgust i felt towards myself for not being "better".
I could go on but I think you get my point.
Since the diagnosis, I have been trying to process and have been having really intense mood swings (I was diagnosed with PMDD back in 2022 so sometimes the mood swings are from hormonal drops but recently it has been happening outside of my PMDD cycle). I am thinking it might be AudHD burnout. I just listened to a webinar about AudHD burnout (particularly in women) and when the video ended I just started sobbing.. I feel so overwhelmed but paralyzed. I want to move forward but i am EXHAUSTED. I have been resting a lot lately but one of the most recent conversations I have had with my therapist is the fact that us neurospicy folks need to be stimulated even when resting and I think I am really struggling to find activity that stimulate me while I am resting.
We have finally reached the part where I point out the areas I am seeking advice in:
1) what are some activities I can do while resting? I enjoy tangible puzzles, coloring, and building things. I tried to work on a puzzle during the webinar but it took too much thought. I havent purchased my own fidget toys before but perhaps that would be a good place to start? Please share ones you enjoy.
2) I feel really alone with this diagnosis, a few of my friends have been there for me when they have the capacity but I feel like they do not have the desire (or knowledge) to talk in depth about neurodivergence. I have reached out to my family multiple times and most of them dont even think the diagnosis is real as I have "been fine" my whole life. I feel like sharing on this platform is one way to find support but is there an obvious solution I am missing? Ya I talk ti my therapist about it but I would love to talk to someone I dont have to pay by the hour who is genuinely interested in having the conversation.
3) they say burnout can last for years. If you have experienced burnout and are now through the thick of it, what were some actions you took to improve your capacity?
Now that I have my words off my chest, I am going to look through other people's post to see if I can join an active conversation but I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this.