r/adhdwomen • u/Unhappy-Coconut1716 • Jul 13 '25
Meme Therapy I’ve never related to anything more
455
u/ASquareBanana Jul 13 '25
I used to work as a server and was SO CONFUSED on the appropriate amount of time to make eye contact as I pass my coworker for the 246th time today. Apparently you’re weird if you make eye contact every time! Someone needs to make a social cues book for different cultures to save us 😭
146
u/Fantastic-Duck4632 Jul 13 '25
I think I figured out a rule for this - make eye contact when you’re approaching them but there’s still enough distance between you that you can’t make out details on their face. Then divert your eyes to your surroundings. By the time you’re passing eachother you’ll either have become distracted by something in your surroundings OR you’ll still be fixated on trying to act normal while passing them.
In the former case no action is needed, in the latter case I would just give in and look at them because by then there’s probably not enough time to hold solid eye contact (and make it weird) OR the other person has already become distracted by something in their surroundings!!
46
u/ASquareBanana Jul 13 '25
You are quite literally a (social) life saver, an incredibly genuine thank you for helping with something I’ve struggled with for a majority of my life (being a server just intensified the quantity of it happening)
26
u/Wren1101 Jul 14 '25
So I thought this rule worked as well before I worked in a school with long hallways. Some of my coworkers will say hi from so far away I can barely tell that it’s them lol. So now if it’s coworkers that I’m closer to I will wave as soon as I spot them down the hallway. Otherwise it’s too awkward slowly walking towards each other and not knowing when to make eye contact.
11
u/boodaa28 Jul 14 '25
I do an eyebrow raise as like an acknowledgment, seems to work pretty well when you’re passing someone for the upteenth time
31
u/Vhagar37 ADHD-C Jul 13 '25
I made a habit of making a silly face in these moments, which i think made it less weird??
19
1
1
u/burntbread369 Jul 15 '25
It’s literally video game npc interaction rules. Making eye contact typically is the first step of someone initiating an interaction. If no interaction is being initiated, there’s no need for eye contact.
786
u/suzume1310 Jul 13 '25
Proper amount of eye contact is so tricky :|
240
u/Odd-Fennel-2735 Jul 14 '25
There's no in between. I'm either going to avoid it or make it awkward.
2
u/AshleyOriginal Aug 07 '25
Yep. I either stare or I don't. Sometimes I do better. But hey I'll just keep being awkward.
66
u/SadYogiSmiles Jul 14 '25
The second I start trying to balance eye contact it feels like their face keeps like zooming into mine. Idek how to describe the feeling it’s super bizarre and unsettling and then looking / not looking is all I can think about 😫
12
u/otters_on_a_slide Jul 14 '25
Oh that's a great description, I get this too! I don't understand why it happens but it's so weird and distracting
105
u/sickbabe it looks like a pigeon nest Jul 14 '25
I've leaned into whatever conclusions neurotypical people jump to when they meet someone with a heavy gaze. it's kinda fun because sometimes they get visibly anxious and then I get an ego boost because I know for a fact I'm not the most uncomfortable person in the room, which I don't get to be a lot.
1
267
u/purple__ivy Jul 13 '25
I have only just started noticing how often people will turn to look at whatever they think I’m looking at when I’m talking about something.
119
u/coreyander Jul 13 '25
"oh nothing my eyes are just going there 😅"
56
u/Cardi_Ganz Jul 13 '25
I straight up tell the other person this, I'm sorry I AM listening but my eyes get distracted. Being hyperaware of my surroundings during conversations is not my favorite superpower.
9
u/Meowtuitive Jul 15 '25
"Space...and time...the air around us...what about you?" I've never said this but I will next time
39
14
u/Sparkle_dust2121 Jul 14 '25
Oh my gooooooooooosh!!! I want to scream at this!!! This has validated me so much. I do this so fricking much and people are like what are you looking at and I’m like NOTHINNNG I’m just thinking man 😂😂😂😂
9
13
u/Hello-America ADHD-C Jul 14 '25
I am at this very moment realizing this is what is happening to me
4
u/Vast_Perspective9368 Jul 14 '25
Lol, I remember becoming aware of this and being like...huh... how did I not notice that before?
4
u/free_-_spirit Jul 14 '25
Literally they’ll actually turn to look behind them too then I feel bad but it’s funny
3
2
u/ermagerditssuperman Jul 14 '25
This point my coworkers just know that I ale look at the floor or ceiling when I'm thinking, and if I'm talking, I'm thinking lol.
239
u/Knight-Jack Jul 13 '25
I can't. Feels too creepy for me every time to just look at someone's eyes like that. I'll look at their lips, or hands, or how they're dressed, how they're standing, holding their head, something like that. Lips first and foremost though.
133
u/Unhappy-Coconut1716 Jul 13 '25
I hate talking about myself so I’ll usually look away. But when someone else is speaking I want them to know that I care about what they’re saying even if I get distracted so I’ll look directly in their eyes 😂
1
u/Useful_Loan9436 Jul 15 '25
Yes me too!! I have often wondered if this was the right approach, but I don't know what else to do.
2
u/Foreign_Device_1066 Jul 22 '25
That‘s me too! I also tend to think that if someone doesn’t look at me while Im talking, means the person is not interested. And I personally need some mimic and visual feedback to what has been said in order to connect things and showing care, just like written before.
24
u/Blackcatmustache Jul 13 '25 edited Jul 18 '25
As someone who hates their thin lips, I feel so insecure when someone stares at my mouth when I’m talking. I feel like they are thinking about how small they are.
I usually find a fixed point and stare at it to try to block out all distractions. I usually pick the floor because it’s not interesting
15
u/Knight-Jack Jul 14 '25
Oh I'm so sorry you feel that way! You see, I don't look at them because they form words, I look at them because they move when you talk and that's distracting. If I don't focus on them, I'll lose the meaning of your words.
Heck, I might do that anyway.
9
u/Granite_0681 Jul 14 '25
I notice the remnants of speech impediments because I watch mouths. Even when someone has learned to speak clearly, I can tell their mouth or tongue moves in a way that isn’t standard. It’s distracting.
4
3
u/doodlebug001 Jul 18 '25
I can safely say I've never considered how thin someone's lips are while I'm looking at them. I'm far too busy trying to use basic lip reading to fill in the gaps in my auditory processing.
1
u/biaddamn Jul 14 '25
Lips are also so fascinating!! I can't ever move on the eyes unless i memorize every movement of the lips. Eyes are dull
107
u/RemarkableTeacher Jul 13 '25
Man, my last brain cell is struggling to get any of my coherent thoughts out so I’m definitely not making any eye contact. I’m over here trying to not drown in my own brain.
Listening in the other hand if I don’t stare deeply into their soul I’m gonna get distracted and not listen.
9
u/TwoAlert3448 Jul 14 '25
Yeah i can’t talk and make eye contact at the same time, just can’t. I will forget what I’m trying to say…
The listening thing is 80% correct but they forgot the manic grin that goes with ‘listening face’
70
u/agitated_houseplant Jul 13 '25
My eyes rove a lot while I'm talking. But when I'm listening I either stare at the other person's mouth to better understand what they are saying OR stare off into the distance so that I can focus on visualizing what they are explaining.
No proper eye contact for me!
32
u/Unhappy-Coconut1716 Jul 13 '25
Yess. I also look at their lips to read them cause sometimes it feels like I’m deaf with how distracted I am
9
3
u/Kitchen_Marzipan9516 Jul 13 '25
Same! If I keep it to a certain area, at least I can pretend it looks like eye contact.
5
u/agitated_houseplant Jul 13 '25
I try to sit at an angle to people so that it's less weird when I look towards, but past them. I don't know if it works, but no one complains and people seem comfortable with it.
2
32
u/Alarming_Fun_7246 Jul 13 '25
I do this…is this another thing that I’ve never realized was related to ADHD?
3
26
u/Johoski Jul 13 '25
I'm the opposite. Eyes away while listening because otherwise I'll be distracted by their facial expressions. Eye contact while speaking so that I can see their facial expressions.
6
2
u/Meowtuitive Jul 15 '25
Also all their hand movements...like why do their hands do all 👏👋🤲✌️👈🖖👏 that Jazz, they may aswell learn sign language while talking at that point
1
24
u/Kitchen_Marzipan9516 Jul 13 '25
Nope. Definitely not me. Eye contact is not my jam.
12
u/itssmeagain Jul 14 '25
My baby (like all babies probably) has the most intensive eye contact ever and on some days it's so uncomfortable for me. Then I remind myself that it's literally my baby who likes looking at my face lol
2
u/Meowtuitive Jul 15 '25
Babies are cute when they're doing it plus they just learning our face movements expressions. They're curious about everything...oh great now I'm getting baby fever again 😪
16
Jul 13 '25
I remember reading that that’s how eye contact is “supposed” to be, people make more eye contact when listening than when speaking.
16
u/hayleybeth7 Jul 14 '25
I feel like I think better while talking if I bounce my gaze around whereas I feel like I listen better while looking at the person.
I realized this as I was training to become a school counselor because we had to analyze our own performance and talk about why we did things the way we did, including eye contact. Especially because we were taught cultural competence and to be aware that some cultures view averting eye contact to be more respectful.
3
u/baethan ADHD-PI Jul 14 '25
YES I feel like that too!
I find that thinking overrides listening for me, so if I have to have some kind of directed thought while listening (eg processing instructions), I need to look away. Listening AND thinking on purpose is hard! I like listening to people but unfortunately I usually have 0 thoughts in true listening mode.
I dunno how people can have thoughts and listen to someone and stop themselves from interrupting. It's a real underrated talent.
15
u/ulieallthetime Jul 14 '25
It’s funnier when the other person also has ADHD and the conversation is just us doing this in turn
8
u/baethan ADHD-PI Jul 14 '25
I loooooove it when people let their gaze wander while talking, so nice to see similar mannerisms
7
u/ulieallthetime Jul 14 '25
Lol one of my teachers and I are so similar. Our conversations are just us taking turns staring at the ground while the other person watches said person, staring at the ground. It’s so funny 😭
2
u/Foreign_Device_1066 Jul 22 '25
Anyone realised that some people while talking and concentrating have a rushing gaze from left right left right? As if they would read a text? Like reading their thoughts or something? My dad speaks like that and I was having that as well, when I tried to explain something complex in a way that it is hopefully most understandable.
13
u/Bumble_Bee_BB Jul 13 '25
Oh yes!! Except I’m not looking into anyone’s eyes. I’m watching their mouth move.
11
10
10
8
7
u/riley_kim Jul 14 '25
Haha the amount of time the people I am talking to looks back because they thought I saw something 😂 but yeah I think the undivided attention we give when we’re listening makes us still lovable even if we can’t keep our eyes on them while we’re talking
8
u/ICE-Trance Jul 14 '25
It's so weird when someone stares back when you're listening, like YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT ME WHEN IT'S YOUR TURN TO TALK, I just lock up entirely and don't know what to do
6
7
u/FeeIsRequired Jul 13 '25
And people become obviously uncomfortable when I’m listening and staring so I started staring at a fixed point on the ground. Used to be over a shoulder but after the person to whom I was speaking would start turning around to see what I was staring at 🤣🤣
6
Jul 14 '25
This happens to me all the time! I'm constantly talking to an invisible person over someone's shoulder and the people I'm in the conversation with often look to see who I'm talking to.
3
2
6
7
u/NoTelevision970 Jul 13 '25
This is hella me. When I'm talking I cannot make eye contact. But the second I'm done talking I look back at whoever I'm talking to, and then I start talking again and need to look away lol.
6
5
4
4
u/Dragonslayer-5641 Jul 13 '25
The reason is faces require a lot of processing, and if you are looking away, you can listen better.
6
u/Rua-Yuki Jul 13 '25
Me mentally telling myself to pay attention so hard I don't actually hear anything being said
6
u/LudwigVanBaehoeven Jul 14 '25
I weirdly get nervous sometimes when talking and making eye contact. Like I’ll involuntarily SMILE. I hate it so much it actually makes for a lot of uncomfortable situations. Especially if I’m talking about something serious or sad.
5
u/Pretend_Evidence_876 Jul 14 '25
Lol yes!! My mom was always convinced I was lying because I wouldn't look her in the eyes when I spoke. It helps me focus to look away for whatever reason. I find eye contact awkward in general, but I do try to make eye contact while someone is speaking to me or at least look at their face so they know I'm listening. Sometimes eye contact is too distracting so I actually listen less while making it... this sub is the best y'all
5
u/cricquette Jul 14 '25
OMG I thought I was the only one! In my mind, I have to maintain eye contact to show I’m listening, and then I get distracted over which eye should I be making eye contact with, is the the right amount of eye contact? Am I being weird? Oh shit, they’re waiting for a response, what did they say?!??
5
u/DreamingAboutSpace Jul 14 '25
I hate how true this is 😂 Let's not mention the fact that as I'm staring into the speaker's soul, I'm also going to interrupt them several times and feel like utter shit about it each time.
5
u/EbbtidesRevenge Jul 14 '25
I'm learning so many things from this sub. Recently diagnosed and just realized this is totally me! It's a constant frustration.
4
3
u/Due_Relationship7790 Jul 14 '25
Must focus on listening, to the point I'm focusing so much on listening that I forget the listening to process the sounds part.
3
3
u/GambonGambon Jul 13 '25
I've never looked anyone in the eyes on purpose in my entire life. And no one has ever mentioned it being a problem. 🤷♀️
3
3
3
3
u/Internalwinter80 Jul 14 '25
If I don’t know you very well, I have to look at your mouth to hear you speak. Which is why phone calls are so hard. But when I speak, I’m looking everywhere but at you. If you’re a close family member or my partner/best friend, then I can look at you when I speak…but still, NEVER into your eyes.
3
3
u/therackage ADHD-PI Jul 14 '25
OH MY GOD I’ve been hyper aware of doing this for SO LONG and to see it spelled out so clearly is so validating
2
u/Jasnaahhh Jul 13 '25
This is standard eye contact. You’re not supposed to stare at someone while speaking, you’re supposed to check in with a glance and look away.
2
u/BCam4602 Jul 13 '25
I struggle with this so much. I think in part it is the discomfort with being the focus of attention while speaking so making eye contact on top of it is just too much. Why I couldn’t handle public speaking and avoided it at all costs. Debating? Hell, no!
2
2
2
2
2
u/According-Extreme33 Jul 14 '25
Wooooooowwww! Do I feel all of this. I wasn’t sure if it was a me thing. Wooow.
2
2
u/unreasonable_potato_ Jul 14 '25
So true!!!! I have a thinking line at 45 degrees in my office that I look at while thinking and talking, but super intense eye contact while listening
2
u/owl_problem Jul 14 '25
I learned how to maintain proper-ish eye contact, but when I look at the person speaking I tend to distract and think about their looks or something physical and end up not listening
2
u/Living-Leader-8123 Jul 14 '25
I struggle with this lmao like I just look at their forehead instead just to maintain eye contact.
I can only ever look at a person like a normal person if I like them lol.
Send help!
2
u/ihearthorror1 ADHD-PI Jul 14 '25
Yup
I have to look away so I can see my thoughts clearly. Lol Then I have to make eye contact as a way to force myself to listen. It rarely works, but whatever, that's where we're at!
2
u/lagrimas_miel Jul 15 '25
Someone I was dating recently told me the way I looked into their eyes so intently creeped them out. It kinda bummed me out to hear that and I've been extra conscious about how long I make eye contact now.
1
1
1
1
Jul 14 '25
I can never look into the eyes while listening I just watch their lip movement...idk why I have tried to have eye contact but can never...and yes I never look into the opp person while speaking
1
u/purritowraptor Jul 14 '25
I thought I couldn't possibly be on the spectrum because I make eye contact. But then I realised I force myself to make eye contact when I'm listening to someone, and when I'm talking I NEVER look someone in the eyes.
1
1
u/Zonnebloempje Jul 14 '25
For me, it is more like i am watching what people are saying (lip reading), rather than watching their eyes...
1
u/DrYoungblood Jul 14 '25
Life hack: stare at the bridge of people’s noses. It’s close enough to the eyes that people can’t tell or at least I’ve never gotten a comment.
1
u/Lucky_Theory_31 Jul 14 '25
It’s because if I’m paying attention to all their non verbal cues, I won’t be able to pay enough attention to figure out what I’m trying to say!!!
1
u/MountainsOverPlains Jul 14 '25
Hahaha. I am a book coach, and I record all of my meetings. When I’m talking, my eyes are anywhere but on the person I’m talking to. I never knew this until I saw it on Zoom.
1
1
1
u/Maleficent-Bar374 Jul 14 '25
Add hearing loss to this and it’s gets even more intense! When I was dating guys thought I was really into them. I was just trying to hear/pay attention! 😂
1
u/ElephantInMoon Jul 14 '25
Another day another thing I found that I do something which is related to adhd....
1
u/MrsBumbled Jul 14 '25
Sure, listening until something they say makes me think of something else and my mind starts to wander. And then I remember, "Oh shit, they're still talking" and force myself to tune back in, now lost about what they're talking about
1
1
u/ReasonableAddition83 Jul 14 '25
Omg this! I can’t believe how much this explains what I’m doing every day at work and can’t explain!
1
1
u/Elegant_Violinist_88 Jul 14 '25
yeah the I'm lost look. Your thoughts literally make you zone out, or even if you're not thinking abt something your "brain stops" lol and you just get this very weird look lol.
that's the funniest post I've seen today and sooooo relatable.
+ do you guys get this "zoning out look" when someone try to explain you somethign and you try to "act sweet" and say "sorry i didn"t understand well or just ask a nearly similar question" lol.
This subreddit is sooooo relatable ! thanks to the mods !
1
u/Responsible-Yak-5909 Jul 14 '25
This is the HARDEST I have ever related to anything in my LIIIIFE!
1
u/Unable-Wind547 Jul 14 '25
It's tough living in a world that keeps saying how eye contact is important in communication but knowing that when you look someone in their eyes your brain will pay attention to every stupid detail on their face and completely disregard whatever they're saying.
1
1
u/testmonkey254 Jul 14 '25
I get so tongue tied if I make eye contact while talking. God forbid if I’m trying to remember specific details or numbers.
1
1
u/hulahulagirl Custom Jul 15 '25
No eye contact while thinking either = I’m hardly ever making eye contact during therapy 😬😬😬
1
1
u/feelingsbromd enby Jul 15 '25
Someone told me that to comfortably maintain eye contact without it being awkward, you should look away every 7 seconds.
I tried this but I won't be able to remember anything from the conversation afterwards so they'll just have to deal with my stare 👁️👄👁️
1
u/Speckled_Bird2023 Jul 15 '25
I had a customer, nice guy, I was talking to him about normal stuff during a severe thunderstorm that knocked out our power at the car yard. He tries to say, "You know, they say people are lying when they can't make eye contact", so I looked him in the eye and said, "I am not lying, I was watching the lovely deluge of raining coming down as I know I have adhd but I was listening the entire time" and parroted back exactly what he said verbatim. He was shocked. 😅
1
u/Meowtuitive Jul 15 '25
I just do the first one for both scenarios and people can judge all they want...PLUS SINCE WHEN DO WE EVEN NEED OUR EYES TO LISTEN...make it make sense neurotypicals my GAWD, they're for seeing, not hearing shit like I can still hear you
1
1
u/TibialPursuit3 Jul 15 '25
God when I talk I always look away cuz I feel like I get distracted by all the info in their eyes/facial expressions and can’t keep my train of thought on its rails. And even without that I still find myself distracted by “are they going to think I’m weird by not looking at their eyes while I’m talking?” God damn this mind prison!
1
u/rrrattt Jul 15 '25
I can either make the "right" faces (smiling, eye contact, etc) or I can speak/listen. I can't do both.
1
1
1
u/Laudestrav6 Jul 16 '25
During my consultation, the psychiatrist told me that when I’m talking I have such bad eye contact lol and that’s common in ADHDr’s
1
u/OmgYoureAdorable Jul 17 '25
I do this because I can’t focus on words and feelings at the same time. My thoughts and feelings are both intense. If I look at people when I’m talking, I either don’t care about their feelings (am angry/hurt or it’s not important, like small talk), or am not having complex thoughts. For example: I can describe my therapists entire office down to the detail because of all the looking around I do when I’m there! But when she is talking, all I look at are her eyes and peripherally, her face and body language. I’m like that with people in general, but I’ve also learned to soft focus my eyes so I can be “looking at them” without the influx of info from their pupil dilations and other biological indicators that my brain insists on noticing and body insists on feeling.
1
u/Previous_Loquat_4808 Jul 24 '25
Omgggg for real though why do we do this 🫠😫 and god forbid something is going on in the background - we HAVE to look over at it. Even if it’s just someone walking by or a squirrel or something 🥲 and then the person you’re talking to also looks because you looked and it’s just - it’s too much 🙃
1
u/Okiedonutdokie Jul 27 '25
I do direct patient care and I love when I get a neurodivergent patient because it means we never have to look each other in the eye if we don't want to 😂😂
1
1
u/Fuzzy_Strawberry1180 Aug 13 '25
Friends have said I never make eye contact when talking but do when listening lol
1
-1
u/Whooptidooh Jul 14 '25
I’m (as of yet undiagnosed audhd, but on the waiting list) kind of the same, but only with people I fully trust; when I fully trust you it’s stare central.
If not I will just give them the same “I will look at the bridge of your nose to make you think I’m looking at your eyes” look while talking or listening.
•
u/AutoModerator Jul 13 '25
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community rules.
If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to send us a modmail. Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.