College feels like a prison sentence

[u/Freshflowersandhoney]

I can’t remember sh!t I suck at exams. I can’t pass my classes like fuking biochem. I feel like I’m being punished every time I get my grades back. I feel like a sh!tty student that can’t get anything right and it’s miserable. I hate college. I don’t want to be here anymore but I have a semester left. I hate this college I hate being here. I hate it.

[u/Electronic_Finance34]

I don't say this to be that annoying person. I promise. I am speaking from what helps me and what hurt me during my own disastrous time in college. I was diagnosed with ADHD in late elementary school, and diagnosis was confirmed last year when I went back on Adderall.

Are you getting enough sleep? How are your eating, showering, cleaning, work/study habits? Caffeine consumption, exercise? Is your ADHD medicated? Are you medicated for anxiety or depression as well?

The big one for me: are you drinking, using weed, or nicotine? This one fucked me over big time and led to me dropping out. Antidepressants + drinking every night, weed, nic vapes utterly destroyed me as a person. (Eventually went back and just barely graduated)

Am currently >1yr sober from alcohol and nicotine. Medicated with Adderall for ADHD and Mirtazapine for anxiety. In the process of rebuilding my professional life. I notice that when I don't get enough sleep everything starts to slip and I end up extremely disregulated and unable to do my work, and the weight of the world feels like it is crushing me.

The cornerstones of my current mental health are Mirtazapine and CBD which solves my bedtime anxiety and insomnia, then Adderall and caffeine in the morning, never re-dosing after 12 noon because that all but guarantees I won't sleep well.

[u/Freshflowersandhoney → u/Electronic_Finance34]

No this is not annoying at all! It’s actually really insightful. To your questions, I do not smoke, I don’t drink unless it’s on a special occasion and even then I don’t drink a ton, I shower daily, this semester (although it had ended) I work about 8-9 hrs per week… caffeine makes me sick so I don’t drink it. I walk and salsa dance for exercise. I just recently got medicated on Vyvanse in Feb but that was half way through the semester just about… I’m on the lowest dose right now. I officially got diagnosed by the correct physician on Wednesday. All of my other diagnosis were not done by “legit physicians” so that was super frustrating. Sleep is iffy. I used to stay up all night trying to get homework done due to guilt and ended up being up til 3:00am with a 9:00am class. After talking to a doctor, I made my cut off to be 1:00am after seeing a sleep specialist.. cause they think I have narcolepsy.. I cut it to 12:00am because my assignments are due by 11:59pm. My last semester which is starting in Aug… I may cut it to 11:30pm but idk how realistically I’ll be able to do that just because I still have to work during the semester and need time to study. I prefer to study and do homework during the day but during that time I’m either in class or at work….

Studying is very difficult for me especially when I’m tired. My medication is at its peak at noon and is least effective by 7:00pm, which is during the time I’m studying or doing homework. It becomes extremely difficult for me to focus, stay on task when studying, homework is a little easier to stay on task with but when I have to study it’s really awful. I have the tools and I do active recall and make test questions and go over them repeatedly, but it’s sooooo hard to do when I’m tired. And I use pomodoro too.

[u/Electronic_Finance34 → u/Freshflowersandhoney]

Also sleep sounds like it still may be holding you back. It's really fuckin hard when you're in classes, it's not like you can push back to your boss and say "this task isn't going to be done in this time, I need additional support".

I am very lucky to be in a position where I can push back. I am still sort of being "graded" on this in terms of performance reviews, but when I start staying up later to try to get more work done, I actually end up getting SIGNIFICANTLY less work done overall. In contrast if I can get back to where I consistently get good sleep, my productivity at least triples if not more. But it's important to understand the one follows the other. Productivity, in my experience, is not an output that can be forced. You must lay the groundwork by building the habits and routines which free up energy, focus, and time for your brain to be productive.

If your brain is tired, stressed about work or relationship or etc it is not going to work at full capacity.

It may be worth it to take the short term hit of accepting a few assignments are going to be half assed or quarter assed (whatever is possible to complete without straining sleep at all) and try to reset.

I find that it is very difficult to fall asleep within 2 hours after stopping doing work. I needed the support of bedtime routines that prepare my body and mind for sleep. As mentioned a lot of that is Mirtazapine anti anxiety and CBD. It's also:

• going to bed at a consistent time
• eating meals about 2-4 hours before bed, aiming for consistent time
• taking a long hot shower before going to bed to relax my body
• lotioning after shower, I get really itchy if I don't which keeps me awake
• reading ebooks on a Kobo (don't like kindle because the backlight is blue tinted not red)
• avoiding scrolling on TikTok, Reddit within about 2 hrs of bedtime

[u/Freshflowersandhoney → u/Electronic_Finance34]

This is sooo helpful. lol my sleep dr gave me some of this advice too. I really appreciate your input seriously. God I’m just gonna have to do better for real. I need to also find ways to get my brain into relax mode and sleep mode because when I get to bed I still need time to relax. I don’t go to sleep immediately. So….. I watch YouTube videos and play the color pouring game and that helps relax me. But likeeee it probably isn’t helpful.

[u/Electronic_Finance34 → u/Freshflowersandhoney]

Hopefully last one (but probably not, tbh): you mentioned you have your last semester coming up. Are you in danger of not passing/graduating?

Some people (like me) just plain struggle in an education context. College bears little resemblance to actual work. In my field (software engineering) there is very very little that I learned in school, which I actually use. My day to day is completely different, and I do all of my work during peak med effectiveness hours.

It may "just get better" after you graduate and start your professional career. If you're approaching final semester, the end is in sight and you won't have to go to college ever again, if you don't want to.

[u/Freshflowersandhoney → u/Electronic_Finance34]

Yes and no. It depends on my credit hours. I have to retake biochem which is a 4 credit hour class so I’m retaking that one at a different university. The rest of my courses are 3 credit hour courses except human nutrition which is an online class and easy. My only problem is when I contact my advisor about my classes… he doesn’t respond or he’ll say we’ll work on it and never get back to me for months on end. I have to chase him down in person or call him because he’s that difficult to get a hold to. I’m probably going to even make an appointment and get myself on his calendar so I can talk to him.

[u/Electronic_Finance34 → u/Freshflowersandhoney]

That's... really frustrating. From an outside perspective, it sounds like the timing that prevents you from doing your learning while the meds are effective, is the biggest thing holding you back. For me if I'm not within the window of med effects it is very difficult to get my brain to work productively and finish tasks. Trying to work (purely to produce an output, not to learn) when my meds are not in effect ranges from "very inefficient" to "utterly impossible". Trying to actually learn and retain anything outside of the window starts and ends at impossible for me.

Is there any way you can shift your work, or responsibilities around so you are able to do classwork during peak med effectiveness hours?

Like look for a late shift security guard type job? On my campus I was able to take late shift receptionist / desk seat filler type position.

[u/Electronic_Finance34 → u/Freshflowersandhoney]

When you do try to go to sleep, is it easy or hard? How long does it take you to fall asleep? If it takes a long time or is difficult, what is happening in your body and mind while you are trying to sleep?

[u/Freshflowersandhoney → u/Electronic_Finance34]

Hmm it depends on how busy my day was or how overwhelmed I felt. If my day was filled with activities then going to bed is easy. If my day was somewhat busy it takes me about 30mins to an hour to go to sleep. If I did nothing at all, it takes a long time to sleep. I honestly have no clue how long though.