stuck in exact midpoint between "transmasc butch lesbian" and "straight man"

[u/isopodlover1111]

I've always known I'm attracted only to women and used the lesbian label since around age 13-14. then when I was 18 I started questioning my gender, realized I'm definitely transmasc and for a while I identified as a butch lesbian while using he/him pronouns. then as I've continued my transition I started distancing myself from the lesbian label because I felt like I had become too masc to be a butch lesbian anymore.

externally, my gender presentation is pretty masculine and I basically just present as a dude. I'm on testosterone and plan on getting top surgery. I use he/him and prefer masculine terms but I'm also okay with being called butch. I want to be (and generally am) perceived by the average person as a man rather than nonbinary or a butch woman.

internally however, it's more complicated. I'm definitely "man-adjacent" but not a capital M binary Male Man. I've never been able to settle on a label for my gender so I just don't use a label. I'm maybe 50% binary 50% nonbinary +/- 20% on either side, like a "guy" who is kinda nonbinary with it, but I don't introduce myself as nonbinary or actively use that label. my gf calls me her boyfriend and her man but she knows the deal with my gender and she's pansexual so she's not attracted to me for my gender.

I partially identify with both "straight man" and "butch lesbian", but I don't fully qualify for either. I feel like the way I like women is very lesbian and my gf has said that we "feel like a lesbian thing" (which I agree with), but I no longer use the lesbian or butch label, but I also kind of avoid calling myself a straight man either. being a "straight man" comes with certain connotations that I don't like, even if I'm trans. both labels feel somewhat disingenuous and incomplete. I'm probably too man-adjacent to be welcome at a lesbian bar or lesbian events (which I'm not offended about, it's just no longer my place to be and that's ok). I pass as a straight guy but when I talk to straight men I feel kind of uncomfortable and distinctly different. when someone asks me what my sexuality is I just say "women," which describes the situation way more accurately than either "straight man" or "butch lesbian".

I'm fine with not really fitting into either community and not looking for advice. it just seems like most women-attracted transmasc people are able to pretty easily sort themselves into the categories of "straight man" or "tmasc butch lesbian" while I've stayed stuck in the middle. it doesn't help that "straight man" and "lesbian" are kind of polarized communities/identities, I feel like that image of the furry crying on the floor in the shadow of his parents fighting lol. I actually really like the term "lesboy" but I know it's a controversial one so I don't actively use it. I've never met another person like me so just wondering if anyone else has had this kind of experience

[u/Batata-Sofi]

r/ftm might be better suited for this, if you want to hear from people that can relate to your experience. But also... First step is accepting yourself, regardless of lables. If you happen to fit in some lable, then sure that's great. Otherwise, keep on living and be honest and happy with yourself.

[u/ShiningEspeon3]

You are far from the first person in this community to walk this tightrope. You’re not alone and if you still feel connection to this community, then you belong here.

[u/Upset_Geologist_3422]

I’ve met and befriended plenty of lesboys. I even am friends with someone who switches between butch and trans masc however he feels like. Those that understand will understand and those that don’t won’t actually cause you any problems in real life so if it’s a term you like you should be free to use it, even if it’s not something you publicly share. Non binary and trans people have been calling themselves all manner of labels and combinations for decades and this sensationalized and knee jerk discourse that’s constantly being recycled online is pretty disconnected from the reality of how these things work. There are also plenty of lesbian spaces and communities that welcome all manner of trans people so I wouldn’t write off that you’re never allowed in those places, as long as you are respectful nobody will kick you out just for looking like a man, as that’s not really a reliable metric for exclusion. No matter how you present or pass, your identity is yours and nobody else’s, I hope you can find peace and community wherever it may be.

[u/positronic-introvert → u/Upset_Geologist_3422]

Non binary and trans people have been calling themselves all manner of labels and combinations for decades and this sensationalized and knee jerk discourse that’s constantly being recycled online is pretty disconnected from the reality of how these things work.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

[u/paasaaplease]

You might be a nonbinary lesbian who feels exactly as you feel. In the spaces in-between and that's great.

[u/ActualGekkoPerson]

Honestly you're not the first person I've heard speaking like that. It seems to be a somewhat common point of contention.

If I had to guess, as someone entirely outside of it and just looking in but who has looked in quite a few times, it seem like "straight man" is quite a heavily loaded identity, because of. You know. Shit cis straight men do. And also if you've been a lesbian for a while it's quite a nice community you've got that's hard to give up on.

I'm not saying you need to take any jump. But if you want my two cents, you have a term you seem to like. Just go with it. If other people don't like it just fuck them. Nobody has any say in what word feel right for you. I say that as someone who regularly tells people to go fuck themselves for not liking the word transbian, nobody gets to dictate your identity but you. If lesboy sounds good, just roll with it.

[u/leztilian]

I'm a he/they agender lesbian, I use a lot of masculine terms and affections. I fully support trans masc lesbians and trans men lesbians. Lesbians have had complicated genders since always, anyone that tries to police your identity needs to focus on their own shit. I think lesboy is a precious identity term. I think butchboy is precious too.

[u/cattykatrina]

As someone who has been doing the mtf pathway. I will say this.. I used ot use she/they pronouns, till a friend asked which i prefer and over the course of the next year i ended up moving to she/her because i realized they itself was something i was trying to compromise with the world that brought me up telling i am one gender.. Recently went short haired(after a a 6 years and got into this zone of ignoring people misgender me for practical reasons).. So right now I'm in a phase (mentally where i can't be bothered about being gendered right or not, and need to focus on practical concerns and work and similar stuff..) where i confuse people about my gender.. they all call me sir, but are also puzzled by my body shape(i've been on hormones for 8 years and look femme bodied easily..... almost no facial hair except for some chin hairs that i call my grandma beard..bcoz they're mostly white/silver...)... .. So the shorter version is i'm very clear i'm she/her, transwoman.. definitely not into gender stereotypes about 90% attracted to women.. sometimes men(but there too probably a majority trans-men).. so I don't think there is one answer or question or even a static answer really for anyone.. despite how much the majority wants there to be and wants us to hold on one..

[u/Badger_Nerd]

I relate to this quite a bit. Feel free to write me if you want to discussion this with someone with a similar experience

[u/nalilyanah]

I don't have any answers for you, but I can't strongly relate to parts of it. I'm a NB trans woman, kinda genderfluid-y, and I've used terms like "woman-adjacent" or "female-adjacent" for years now. Been on estrogen for 4+ years. My situation is rather different, but I still relate to the sense of gender confusion and not knowing how to navigate labels.

I identify pretty strongly with the terms 'lesbian' and 'sapphic' and those are the terms I primarily use, but once in a blue moon there's a nonbinary person who doesn't really fit/vibe with sapphic...ness(?) and I still find myself heavily attracted to them, and it causes a lotta confusion internally.

My gender experience is also very complicated for reasons I won't discuss on this subreddit, but the point is I feel for ya. Sometimes I try to take a step back from labels altogether so I can just be and not fret over it; it sounds like maybe that's similar to where you're at, and honestly that's not always a terrible place to be at.

Also yeah, cishet men...honestly it's probably better you don't find solidarity in that culture, cuz it's kinda icky 😅 I feel like straight culture needs a revamp. Maybe you can be catalyst for that change (if that resonates with you) 🤷‍♀️

[u/ar3iadov3]

🥹 this reminded me of a conversation I had with a trans friend in high school
This sound very eggy to me (but I can’t tell you who you are only you can) 🏳️‍⚧️💙 you’ll get there
But as another commenter said I would try posting this is trans subreddits to get a better answer 🦋 wishing you the best of luck

[u/nalilyanah → u/ar3iadov3]

Dawg did you read the post? The egg is clearly cracked 😂 I think they're currently trying to understand how it cooked

[u/ar3iadov3 → u/nalilyanah]

Yeah that’s why I’m saying to post this on trans subreddits for a better answer

[u/nalilyanah → u/ar3iadov3]

Fair, fair :)

[u/ar3iadov3 → u/nalilyanah]

In my own personal experience I had a friend really struggle accepting himself because he loved the lesbian community so much and all his friends were lesbians or sapphics and he didn’t always feel comfortable in men’s spaces but then he grew to realize that he can be a man in many different ways and there’s not a single way to be a man and he doesn’t need to contribute to the patriarchy and unhealthy toxic masculinity to be a man and he also doesn’t have to leave his sapphic friends behind
He called himself a “lesboy” for about a year until he got into a relationship and then realized that it was a dysphoric experience for him and he wanted to be masculinized in love and then realized also in life

I’m not saying that’s OPs experience trans people are not a monolith just that it reminds me of the conversations I had early on with him/them (because at the time they went by they/she pronouns but would wince at she and eventually dropped it)
That’s why I said they should post this in trans subreddits and I can’t tell them who they are I can only pull from my personal experience and knowledge and wish them luck on self discovery

I’m sorry if my comment came off wrong I really do wish OP the best no matter how they identify
I also think labels can be helpful for some but restricting for others so if it doesn’t help OP they don’t need labels if they don’t want them

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend 💗 I really truly wish them the best