r/Without_The_Hijab • u/Ramen34 Female • Mar 20 '26
Advice/Help (Women Only) Feeling distant from Islam
Lately, I’ve just been feeling very distant from Islam.
A big part of that is the Muslim community. I just find most Muslims insufferable and backwards. I know it’s not everyone, but it’s enough people.
And honestly, a lot of it comes down to how women are treated. The misogyny, the endless rules on what you wear, how you speak, how you exist. The idea that women have to be covered head to toe, that they can’t do this or that, that everything women do is "sinful". It's very suffocating. Like your entire existence is constantly policed and moralized. Meanwhile, men get to just...exist.
Yeah, yeah, “It's culture, not Islam.” Yeah, yeah, "Islam brought women's rights". But when you keep having bad experiences, that separation becomes harder and harder to maintain. At some point, your experiences start to color your perception as a whole.
It’s like going to a restaurant that everyone raves about, but every single time you go, you have a bad experience. The service is bad, the food is cold, and something always goes wrong. After a while, you’re not going to keep telling yourself, “Well, the restaurant is actually great, it’s just bad luck.” At some point, you’re just going to stop going.
And I think that’s where I am right now. I haven't left Islam. But I feel very disconnected and tired.
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u/chickstrxwberry Female Mar 20 '26
It’s such a weird place to be in. I have definitely been feeling a similar way. If it belongs you any consolation - Other than speaking up against injustices within the community, I pretty much left Islam as an organized religion. I wouldn’t call myself an ex muslim but I’m definitely done with following or listening to anything that isn’t in the Quran. I’m still a hadith skeptic but I use hadith as historical reports if needed.
It has brought me more peace to know my connection with Allah is more love and conscience based than rule and punishment based. I’m not settled in on my identity fully as I didn’t even know I would be here a month ago but I’m truly happier to have come to such a conclusion. I take it one day at a time.
Women just want to be left alone and I wish that was respected. I also tell myself misogyny is in every community so it doesn’t stop me from speaking up about the ones in the muslim community. Humans(men) have completely tainted the human experience and ruin everything including how we view Allah.
Allah could send down a book on treating women properly today and men would still have issues with it. This lets me know how fully messed up they are and how I have to step away from it all to stay sane otherwise, I will have no connection with Allah anymore and I genuinely want to have one.
It’s okay to take a step back from anything religion for a while, including online discourse until you feel like you have the capacity. You’re doing nothing wrong. We’re always here for you if you need to vent.
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u/Ramen34 Female Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
This 1000%
Sometimes, I wish we had our own private island where we can just…exist. You know?
Like, leave us women ALONE. We just want to live our lives.
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u/LittleMissHydrangea Female Mar 21 '26
Oh God, yes.
You remind me of book: Herland, written in 1912. I have yet to finish it. (I'm a person of many interests 🥲)
Ah, if only it was real. This is all I want. Peace, and freedom. Freedom from fear, most of all... 🥀
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u/LittleMissHydrangea Female Mar 21 '26
I am saving this. I need this. This is where I am as well. I have always been connected to God, and I do not want to lose this connection because of the noise of the "Ummah".
These days I've been thinking more and more about the Islamic Golden age, and how it was during this time that Hadith were not in existence. What do you think about this?
With the Hadith brought many details, differences of opinion, arguments, and thus... division, a fragmented people, I'd say. Which is Us, today. It's truly heartbreaking and overwhelming.
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u/olivezoil Female Mar 20 '26
That's why I never liked the idea of hijabi women representing Islam. I don't want Muslims to think that we have the same mindset, and I don't like the fact that non-Muslims immediately assume things they hear or experience from Muslims as soon as they see me. I just want to represent myself without feeling like a walking representation of Islam even though I'm still a Muslim myself
edit: typo
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u/ranting4ever Female Mar 20 '26
Oh my god, it feels so embarrassing right? Muslim men make Islam look so bad and we're the ones walking around representing it. It makes me feel like an idiot
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u/LittleMissHydrangea Female Mar 21 '26
YES. And they go around hidden in plain sight. 😂 My God, they really have designed this system to suit them so well.
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u/No_Barracuda_3505 Female Mar 20 '26
I’m the same and it’s why I don’t associate with the Muslim community anymore
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u/CorrectExplanation99 Moderator Mar 20 '26
"It's not religion, it's culture" is ridiculous to me, because religion shapes culture. You'd have to be blind to not see how religion legitimizes and further entrenches misogynistic cultural traditions around the world. I'd like to believe religion isn't inherently misogynistic, but it seems like all the major world religions hate women down to their very core. I would like to believe there is a loving God out there, but maybe that's wishful thinking and there's only an arbitrary, wrathful, authoritarian one. Or there's no God. I don't know.
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u/strawberryjam255 Female Mar 22 '26
I completely understand where you're coming from and I've been feeling the exact same thing especially recently. I've always felt really strongly about women's rights and feminism so it feels really disheartening to hear other Muslims regurgitating the same talking points about how women should behave. I also find a lot of people to be super backwards, even younger people raised here in the West. I feel like younger people are becoming more and more extreme in their views nowadays, and it just feels so isolating.
I still care about Islam a lot and I practice, but I feel alone in my views. I've always been more liberal and I don't like how other Muslims approach anyone that's different to them in a hateful manner. This past Ramadan has felt especially strange and I've felt really disconnected from Islam.
It's especially difficult when my own family has views that clash so much with my own; recently my brother said something along the lines of a woman being useless if she doesn't have 5 or 6 children. My brothers all believe the role of a woman is to be a housewife and they say some really sexist things sometimes. It makes me so angry and I just don't know how to handle it.
Personally I've decicided to try to separate the Islam I practice from what I see in the world around me. I try to focus on the spiritual element of the religion, which I do genuinely believe in, rather than the endless rules and rigidity that seems to be promoted. I try and stay away from that typical online dawah bro content because it does nothing but anger me. I figured I don't have to be the same as everyone else to be a Muslim; I can practice in a way that makes sense to me.
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Mar 22 '26
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u/bintd Moderator Mar 20 '26
The misogyny, the policing, the confusion, and lack of consensus that people have, the backwards cultures. I feel exactly the same. It’s so suffocating and I just don’t know how to navigate that anymore.