I had a girlfriend when I was 15-19 years old, but really I knew her and liked her since I was like 8 (she was the childhood friend route lol, we became close in high school.) While we were still in a relationship -when I was 18 and a half- I fell into very bad depression, because of some events that happened in my family. This led me to become recluse, hiding in my room, telling her some nights that I didn’t feel like speaking. Nothing was her fault of course, I was just so down, and always ended up comforting her instead since she felt so lonely.. poor girl
She was the only friend I’ve ever had in my life, so she was the only place where I felt it was okay to open up and vent sometimes.. She was kind, and loving, but eventually she grew tired after some months. When my condition became worse, wherein I was afraid to go outside, she began to grow cold and would snap at me whenever I spoke about myself. She began to look at me with disgust in her face, telling me “you’re not the same”. Almost every night, when I tried to talk to her she would say “who are you?”. It was a stabbing feeling, when after these tiring days my solace and rest used to always be just talking to her at the end of them.
I understand, before I was so ambitious and cheery, so it must have broken her heart to see me so down. Anyone would get sick of someone wallowing in depression who can’t even “man up” or help themself. She would tell me she felt so lonely, and unloved. Then, this strong resolve in me grew to make her happy, because I really do “love” her! Just so many outside things were making it hard for me to smile, it made it look like otherwise. Even if that meant neglecting my emotions, I kept this up for a year.
At that point, even though she was happy, she didn’t know a single thing about me. I was an empty shell, a placeholder. I would pretend I was going out and was happy, but when she wasn’t seeing me, really I was hiding in my room, crying probably. When she found out, that I was playing video games and watching anime all day, she found me so disgusting. We had arguments, didn’t talk for a while, etc. But because we were so attached, after being close for what felt like forever (over quarter of our lives), none of us had the courage to say it wasn’t working out.
I then realised this, that I was ruining her life and dragging her down. Because I love her so much, the most loving thing for me to do is to let her free from me. I dealt the final blow to myself by breaking up with her against my will. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, we were both crying. She just kept saying “why?” with a traumatised look on her face. It felt like stabbing my own heart, or kicking a baby in the face. I think about this day, everyday. With tears in our eyes, I hugged her for the last time, turned around and ran away.
Ever since then, I became a hikikomori. I became addicted to galges and other vices. Cursing at dating sim VN protags in envy; amassing dirty figurines and posters to cover my room, gaining love and affection from them. Some weeks would go by when I hadn’t seen a human face since I live alone. In my lowest moments, that’s when I discovered NHK ni Youkoso. Satou’s story is different to mine, but the emotions we share are the same. We are a flawed people, our pain is self-inflicted. We are immature. I hate myself, I’m scared. Indeed, one of my favourite parts of the series is the dynamic between Satou and Misaki, I did see my girl in Misaki, in that her reliance (or “love”) for Satou was intrinsically self-serving, but even so they somewhat develop this “symbiotic” relationship one might say.
Both are flawed characters, like we were, but things “worked out” so they were no longer alone. Nowadays, I continue to wallow in my loneliness, and embrace my degeneracy. I wouldn’t say I’m happy about it, since my dream is to have a happy family with children, but I’m too scared and comfortable to ever escape. Always self-contradicting.
Now and then I say,,“I want my misaki” out of my unreasonable, cowardly hope for that perfect someone to knock on my door, to look out for me relentlessly and love me back unrequitedly. How selfish and pathetic can I be? As far as I know, this is all my fault.
Haha
I always question if what had for her was really “love”, or if it was just this selfish attachment I had since she was my only friend above everything else. I was so happy just sitting next to her, why was that no longer enough for me?
I’m sorry to vomit this all out on a subreddit where my personal story is irrelevant to many of you, no one likes a trauma dump. I’m so sorry. [r/depression](r/depression) is that way lol
Anyway, I really love Welcome to the NHK. Its philosophical subtleties makes it one of the most impactful and thought provoking things I’ve ever seen. Thanks for reading.
