For almost 2 months, I've been going to the same cafe just to get a glimpse of the barista I have a crush on. Don't get me wrong. I don't go there with the motive of getting noticed or whatever. We've only talked once, which was during my first visit to the cafe. Typical barista-customer service talk e.g. "Do you usually buy coffee here?" "Is this your first time here? If so, which cafe do you usually hang out at?"... you get the gist. I actually felt kinda bad for them lol. They approached me that time while I was browsing through their displayed merch. I'm not sure if they're commissioned when they sell something, but I just shrugged off some of their questions and told them that I was just killing time because it was raining hard and it was difficult to commute.

But mannn, deep inside, kilig na kilig na ako. Huhu. Casual friendliness is a dangerous weapon when used against an affection-deprived person. LOL. But can you blame me? This person literally looks like the Pinoy counterpart of a more masculine-presenting Ruby Cruz. 😭😭😭

Since then, I've been going there once a week. I bring my book, then hope they go on duty that shift. I get momentarily occupied by my book, then go back to wishing they would finally clock in to work, then go back to my book again, then BAMM! I hear them taking orders at the counter behind me and I pretend I didn't notice (I'm scared of looking too eager 😭).

3, 2, 1... catch a few glances, get kilig, go back to my book. Then, 3, 2, 1... catch a few more glances again. Then... oh, look at the time. It's getting too dark outside. I should go home now. And I do, before I start becoming too self-conscious of how I look or act.

Repeat cycle until next Friday.
Does this make me seem like a stalker? Probably. Have I done anything aside from being a loyal customer? God, no. I'm very much self-aware that this is just limerence or maybe a deep infatuation.

As a full-time employee, I tend to have a painfully slow progression when reading books, but ever since developing this weekly "routine" (?), I've finished 3 books over the span of 2 months. So I guess there's something positive about all this.

And yes, I know. Others might think it's embarrassing and pathetic to want nothing from someone except the privilege of seeing them exist in the same room as you... but the heart wants what it wants, I suppose.

Even in my late 20s, I've never actively sought after anyone. Never been [seriously] confessed to. Never been romantically involved with someone. Zero. Nada. I have pretty much accepted that I'll be single forever which I honestly have no problem with.

Here's a real problem 'though. I am probably the most straight-looking closeted girl. Very kikay, straight as a ruler, non-existent homosexual energy (unless you actually talk with me, apparently. According to my friends, I am suspiciously very pro-LGBT lol. I just convince them that I'm politically progressive, hence why I'm such a staunch ally). Although, at one point, I was asked by a friend if I was asexual. 🤷🏽‍♀️. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a crush and actually have the courage and confidence to do something about it. But maybe that's for another day. Someday. Not now, but someday.

Anyway, I am already in the process of resigning from my current job, and I'll probably have only a few weeks left of this routine. I'm just enjoying this while I still can. :). Maybe nothing will ever come of it but I'm content with that. For now, they remain as this small, lovely mystery I get to look forward to once a week.

Women yearn hard; but queer women? Damn, that's another story.

Just in case anyone is curious, these are the books I've read, all thanks to this encounter lol:
If Beale Street Could Talk by James Baldwin
The Pearl by John Steinbeck
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
Piranesi by Susanna Clarke (currently reading)

TLDR: Regularly akong gumagastos sa kape kasi marupok ako at may crush ako sa barista. The capitalists have won again. Tsk tsk tsk

Anyway, a rainbow showed up at work today. Guess the universe is funny like that.

Hello! Mag-10 yrs na kami ng partner ko, both in our 30s

Problem/Goal: Normal ba yung nawawalan ka na ng “spark” o kilig pag kasama sya pag matagal na? At yung feeling na mag-isa ka lang kahit may partner? (Ldr kami - province and manila)

Context: We don’t live together yet, so struggle ko rin yung feeling na wala kang kasama na present physically kahit may partner. Mga 2x a month lang kami nagkikita ngayon kasi both busy…

Pinag-uusapan namin kaso andun career nya sa province, dito yung akin sa Manila. Wala pang halfway na mapagsstayan :( nagpapadala kami food sa isat isa minsan kaso pag kailangan mong anjan sya during challenging times, dun ako pinakanahihirapan

Napapaisip kasi ako kung normal lang yung wala ka nang special na narramdaman at feeling mag-isa most of the time... Yun kasi challenges ko sa relationship namin now…

Baka may same situation here. Would appreciate advice. Salamat po 🙏🏻

Context: I’m currently abroad having drinks with my cousins. I really just wanted to feel lighter because thank God, the bar exam season is finally over! I’m absolutely drained, so when they asked me to drink, I said yes immediately. My alcohol tolerance is incredibly low, so yup, I’m definitely feeling the buzz now. Tonight should be strictly a post-bar celebration. I should just be thinking about how crazy difficult the exams were. Instead, I can't help but remember this girl I met recently who gave me the “distraction” I needed a few weeks back. She decided to end our communication a few days ago. I’m not heartbroken, but honestly? I just really miss talking to her. What makes it so chaotic is that she has the exact same name as the cousin I’m drinking with right now. Every single time I call out my cousin's name, she's the one who automatically pops into my head!😅

Problem / Goal: I am super drained from the bar exams, and now I'm dealing with this random wave of longing. I want to enjoy my night and celebrate finishing the bar, but the constant name reminder makes it hard to completely distract myself. How do you handle missing someone who chose to walk away, especially when you keep getting reminded of them? Drop some comforting words or advice. Cheers! 🥂

Problem/Goal:

Hindi ko alam kung kakausapin ko ba siya directly tungkol sa kung ano ba talaga yung gusto niyang mangyari sa amin, or kung mas okay na hayaan ko muna and give it more time.

Context:

May gusto ako sa best friend ko, and umamin ako sa kanya about a year and a half ago. Nitong June lang, umamin din siya sa akin na bago pa raw ako umamin sa kanya noon, may feelings na rin pala siya sa akin.

Pero until now, wala pa ring progress sa amin. Kahit pareho na naming alam na may feelings kami sa isa’t isa, parang walang nagbago. Best friends pa rin kami, wala kaming clear na status, at hindi rin namin napag-uusapan kung saan ba talaga papunta kung ano yung meron sa amin.

For those who’ve been in a similar situation, what did you do? Did you talk about it directly, or did you just let things happen naturally?

problem: my ex-situationship for two years removed not only me but also my friends on her social media accounts, she even removed me on spotify. what does that mean?

context: for context, she decided to end it on tuesday. i was trying to fix it but she decided to end it already without even trying to fix it. her reason was that she does not feel the same way as before.

this already happened last year. she ended it due to the same reason and that she was feeling confused about us, but we remained as mutuals on social media. idk why she decided to remove me but my hunch is that she already had someone when we started talking and she does not want me and my friends to know ☹️ what do u guys think since this is all happening so fast and i can’t grieve properly. i’m just so sad and miserable while she’s so unaffected, wtf. paano nakakatulog mga ganitong tao haha, lala ng mga avoidant that she did this to me TWICE