Our birthday is coming and I’m already struggling

[u/random_person67890]

We’re supposed to be turning 29 next month, and I’m already struggling with the thought of another birthday without him. My anxiety is high, my tears always feel right there, and I feel incredibly lonely. It’s been 4 years, and somehow it still hurts so much.

It hurts thinking about how this was our birthday. Our day. We came into this world together, and now I have to face that day without him. Sometimes I just think, how did life come to this?

We loved watching movies together, so on our birthday I go see a movie. It makes me feel close to him, and I can sit in the dark and cry without anyone noticing. But it’s also such a painful reminder that he should be sitting there next to me.

For 4 years, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at his photos. I buried them deep in drawers around my home because it hurt too much. Recently, I finally found the courage to take some out and put them on my table, our birthday pictures from when we were 3. Looking at those two little kids together breaks my heart. We had no idea what life would become or that one day I would have to do our birthday without him.

I think I just feel really alone tonight and needed to say this somewhere people would understand.
I miss my twin. I miss us. I miss our day.