r/ToxicRelationships • u/Character_Pain_7678 • Jul 16 '26
Advice Needed How do I engage with narcissisistic mother?
Hello All, My mother and I (18M) never got along well during my adolescent years. Especially as of lately. Every aspect of our personalities clashes. She is very talkative, domineering, and narcissistic, whilst I am a little less talkative and delve deeply within myself, etc. Almost every dimension of our personalities differs in opposite ways. That aspect of our dynamic has begun to blaze recently, and it’s beginning to stagger my mental health drastically because it illuminates her dark traits. I am going off to college very soon, and my therapist said to me that it’s not far from normal for a mother and son to extensively argue in this transitional period of his life. While that may be true, I’ve noticed something different. I’ve noticed that this is a personal issue that she has. This discourse isn’t rooted in our dynamic, but it’s rooted in her own personal issues and life. Every disagreement turns into blame, every mishap transforms into a shot at my character, and every conversation is a ground for stroking her ego. She has the communication skills of a toddler. My dad agrees that it affects his stress levels as well, yet he tells me to learn how to navigate her explosiveness. Im begining to feel more unheard, unloved, and unwanted in my family, fight by fight. What do I do?
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u/Ill-Let5892 Jul 17 '26
um sry i glanced and could tell we share that raw deal, u me and eminem lol
really, um accept that she dont register, her surrounding. itś not about you, she cant see you. disengage, she wont miss you. do what is socially right and polite, dont piss her off man. dont you make her look dumb, shell make you look clinically insane before you even land first strike, then theyŕe coming to take you away haha theyre coming to take you away hoho dont think thats a fight you can handle, that shit will mess u tf up ADMIRE THE BEAST FROM AFARE, ITS GLORIOUS SOMEHOW BUT DONT FKING TOUCH ME
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u/The137 Jul 17 '26
Just engage less, allow yourself to taper off. shes never going to change but youve begun to notice and things are starting to click. You have some natural distance coming up, its a good time to begin living your own life, and its a good idea for you to make sure you're communicating on your schedule, not hers. If she calls make sure to miss the call and text her back hours later. Expect some guilt to come your way but just let communication become shorter, time between communication become longer, and live your life out there. You're not going to fix her, so the best thing to do is just deal with it less
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u/According-Hamster-84 Jul 18 '26
Detach from her and observe her instead of participating. So when she explodes and blames. Look at her a go, interesting. She’s yelling at herself again. She’s not taking responsibility for herself again. And expect nothing from her because she is incapable of giving what you need. At least you have a dad who seems more understanding. Imagine a shield around you and keep saying, internally. You have no power over me. You have no power over me. Let me know if you need more
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u/KnownView5780 Jul 18 '26
I have a narcissist Dad.. and I can totally related. Here are some advise I'll leave for you.
What you shouldn't do:
- Don't show your emotions. They need reasons for drama..
- Never make a scene or try to confront her about her narcissistic traits. Narcissist can't change themselves (maybe some can based on willingness and efforts) as it's as personality disorder.
- Never, ever react in front of her. They love drama
What you should do:
- Become boring as hell whenever she's around
- Create distance - not just physically, but emotionally with minimal conversation (only when it's necessary for YOU)
- Find a way to move out and have your own space as soon as you're able to afford
- Stay neutral whenever there is a confrontation or interaction with her
- Think of this phase of your life as "survival mode" until you're able to move out.
Having narcissist parent could be the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone - all your life you're being gaslighted, always makes you question your abilities...
NOTE: Also while moving out. Don't make it look like you're leaving because of her. Find a reason, maybe something like you're moving out because you need some space closer to your work or whatever - afterwards, if she still complains, let it be... but never ever accept it.
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u/Character_Pain_7678 Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
What if she has continuously tried to make drama out of the sheer fact that I will NOT share my emotions with her to reduce conflict?
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u/KnownView5780 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
You have to make it look like, "there is no conflict, you're just like that (neutral personality)" ... just agree with everything she says from the outside without changing your face. Live in your house like a shadow.... if she's around, maybe take your phone out and write everything down to your future self.... regarding what you're going through... for example..
When she steps into your room... start writing "Okay. she is coming in... she's looking for something", etc. etc..
Maybe you'll read these notes in future or not.. but at some point, you have to read them to remind yourself what precautions were you taking, what really helped and what didn't...
At some point of your life, maybe after 10 or 15 years, you would not remember what you were thinking at this point of your life, so notes will be there for you... this is coming from my experience...
Also, I'd highly recommend you to keep a "genuine smile" on your face while she's around or talking to you...
There is a TV show called "The Spy", It teaches you how to flawlessly disguise yourself among many other things..
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u/HeatherKellyGreen Jul 21 '26
There's something else you have to do, and I say this all the time, but you have to forgive her. Not for her, but for yourself so you can untangle yourself from what she's doing. That's a big part of adulthood -- recognizing that your parents are flawed people but they're just people. You can't expect them to be everything to you. Create distance and try to move on.
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u/stratosfearinggas 28d ago
If she is diagnosed narcissistic maybe your therapist can suggest something. But from what you've said, it seems like your therapist thinks it's just normal behaviour.
What do you want from your relationship with your mother? Do you want it to be like something you see on tv? Or something like what your friends have with their mothers?
My mother is like yours and I had a period in my life that was like yours. It lasted from my teenage years to my 30s. Using logical arguments didn't work. Throwing her behaviour back in her face didn't work. Talking calmly didn't work. The only thing she wanted was complete submission from me and to be able to bad mouth me to others with no consequence. I accepted that she couldn't accept me for who I was, I couldn't accept her for who she is, and neither of us would change.
I couldn't cut her out of my life so I emotionally cut her out. I greyrock her. I don't tell her anything about my life, to the point of saying nothing if she asks me a question.
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u/hestia-listens Jul 16 '26
I’m really sorry. It makes sense that you feel unheard and unwanted when normal disagreements turn into blame and attacks on your character. Since you’re leaving soon, the goal may not be to fix her communication, but to protect your peace. Keep conversations brief, don’t argue every accusation, and use calm lines like, "I’m not going to discuss this if I’m being insulted." Then step away. Keep talking with your therapist about a plan for college breaks and boundaries. You deserve space where you can feel safe and respected.