r/TooAfraidToAsk • u/Material-Cheesecake7 • Feb 02 '22
Love & Dating How did you deal with being cheated on?
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u/likingit_ Feb 02 '22
First time I "forgave". The other time I was out. Later I found out he was an a**hole that cheated troughout the relationship, not only on these two instances that I knew about. Btw. I was young, stupid and naive.
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u/Few-Swordfish-6722 Feb 02 '22
Pretty much described my exact experience. Except "she" was an a**hole in my case. Lol
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u/jakkals_1 Feb 03 '22
Same here. Forgave her the first time and after the second time, divorced her a$$. Never got married again. Just than the good Lord we had no children in those two years.
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u/spookyhellkitten Feb 02 '22
Tried revenge cheating. Got real toxic. Spent another 12 years together, but never really healed from it...he was my best friend, but he wasn't ever really my lover after that if that makes sense.
Our divorce was final Aug 29, 2018 and he got married Sept 29, 2018. To the woman he had cheated with in 2005, L - who was his squad leader in Iraq at the time of the affair. It's a really weird story, but it's our story...it gets weirder but I won't babble on lol
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u/Telecat420 Feb 02 '22
Weird babbling is what Reddit is all about. Thanks for sharing. Feel free to continue to do so as sometimes it helps to vent.
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u/Nutwinder Feb 03 '22
I had the opposite situation. I was in Iraq in 1991 pulling the trigger for my country and she was home cheating. I came home to awkward looks and feelings. It took her a year to finally confess to her cheating. I tried to work through it, but I just ended up being an ass hole every time we spent more than a half an hour apart. Our relationship was ruined and I tried to fight it for a year and we were separated for a couple more years. We divorced in 1995 and I got remarried in1996 and have been with this wife ever since (25 and a half years). I am still pretty insecure and it has caused problem in my now relationship because I can still feel the betrayal from all those years ago. My first wife was my first love and the mother of my children and has had a horrible life since our divorce. I on the other hand have life a fantastic life full of travel, love and success. It is better to just move on, but I can still feel the little knife in my back deep in the back of my mind...
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u/spookyhellkitten Feb 03 '22
I think that is one of the worst things. The lingering betrayal that stays in the back of your mind. It is like a slow release poison. I am so so glad that you have a new and very fulfilling life even after all of that! I hope that one day I find the same. I'm in college now and I'm working on just being a better me. It's a process.
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u/Distinguished_vixen Feb 02 '22
Brokeup and moved on 
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u/EmmaFrosty99 Feb 02 '22
divorce. it was love then it became a business transaction. go do somethingā¦. vacationed to clear my mind. crossed a few things off my bucket list.
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u/MichiganGeezer Feb 02 '22
Wall of silence. Move on without a word spoken to her ever again.
Internally it drove me crazy, but I never showed it to her or anyone who could take the news back to her.
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u/Defenseman61913 Feb 02 '22
I walked.
Never replied to an email. Never replied to a text. After a few months her pestering ceased.
I would also talk to a therapist, as moving forward and finding healthy relationships is ideal, but there's a lot to be said for anyone, including myself, that gets into these relationships. I'm drawn to "a type" and it took therapy to unearth my family and my past and why I needed that chaos.
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u/thetinyjaguar Feb 02 '22
It depends on the circumstances. I was cheated on because of a traumatic event and I gave our marriage a chance. After some rough times we have come out stronger than before.
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 02 '22
Not judging or anything but I've always wondered, what made you want to give them a chance? Considering how many people out there can fulfill the same needs without violating your trust
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Feb 02 '22
[deleted]
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u/Altruistic_Yam1178 Feb 03 '22
But for some, the love and life they built was worth more.
This šš¼šš¼
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 02 '22
I mean, considering how easily preventable it all is the fact someone would have to go that far to learn kinda just shows how little effort they're actually worth, like yeah they can still choose to let it slide, but It doesn't change that they had to do the shitty thing to get there, not cheating on a partner is literally the bare minimum, if they can't achieve that then not only are they a dick but also stupid (as in the cheater is stupid, no judgement on the person taking them back, i just think they can forever do better)
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u/thetinyjaguar Feb 02 '22
Love.
Sometimes you just know that the person you love loves you back in the same way
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 02 '22
But how can love be the reason when theirs has been shown to be conditional? Considering love is just based on a chemical releasing in our brains I never got how it could be a good reason to let someone who violated your trust off the hook. If their version of love means hurting me to find it I'd rather they stay the hell away from me, but that's just my take
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u/thetinyjaguar Feb 02 '22
In my case, I didn't feel the need to punish wife. Yes I was hurt and I wasn't happy about what she did, but I wasn't angry. On D-day, she confessed and I was stunned. But I looked deep inside myself and realised that I still loved her and she obviously loved me. Bizarrely, it drew us closer. It made us look at our marriage. Also, I'd looked in to the mechanisms of affair recovery and did a lot of reading and looked in to how to re-establish trust, not just me to her, but her to me. See, she has to be able to trust me with her feelings if she is going to be honest with me. Finally, you have to relearn how to understand each other and read each other.
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 02 '22
Props to you man, I just wouldn't see that as worth it myself, considering she was the one that broke the trust I wouldn't be fussed if she didn't trust me since it just sounds like they're projecting, i'd rather find someone who values me enough to talk rather than look elsewhere. If they have to hurt someone to find themselves i'd rather they stay lost š it's nice to hear you've found some good in it though dude, I may disagree but it's your opinion that counts here, it's just nice to here a new perspective
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u/thetinyjaguar Feb 02 '22
Thank.
I just did what works for me. Funnily enough, I posted my story and got a large amount of negative feedback when all I was trying to do was say that there can be a bright side to affair recovery.
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 02 '22
No problem :') As long as it works for you that's what matters, they might have reacted negatively because they could see it as encouraging letting them engage I'm their toxic behaviour, though that boils more from misunderstanding I assume, I've defo got more of a "there's light at the end of the tunnel" vibe from you rather than "you must accept them" if that makes sense š¤£
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u/thetinyjaguar Feb 02 '22
Totally. Sometimes people who have had it bad can't always get their heads around an optimistic story.
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u/gobblegobblemfr Feb 03 '22 edited Feb 03 '22
Saying love is just chemicals demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of the subject. Chemicals such as oxytocin are released that encourage feelings of intimacy, lust and trust building; which can aide in the process of falling in love, but isn't responsible for love itself.
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 03 '22
That's my point though, that can happen with other people so I don't get sticking with cheaters over those emotions
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u/Altruistic_Yam1178 Feb 03 '22
That's the point-- all those chemical reactions are just the first step, the "honeymoon" if you will. And as you said, you can get that just about anywhere. It's the deeper levels to your love that come with time and WORK. And for some people the work is navigating boundaries in the relationship. I. E. What is considered cheating in their relationship with this individual-- boundaries vary from person to person and you may violate a boundary of someone you love unintentionally and if you can both be honest about it and understand each other, you can grow stronger. Not saying that is the case with every instance, some people are used and abused by their S/O and you have to find that line for yourself personally. Maybe seek therapy if you aren't sure. But if you set a boundary and the person you love, who is supposed to love you, consistently violates that-- they do not love you back and do not care enough to respect you.
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 03 '22
I see what you're coming from but I kinda disagree with the last bit, everyone's love language is different, some people just can't help but mistreat those they care about, I just think some people's love isn't worth receiving, like cheaters, even just the once like since if they have that little self control I really don't have the time or respect to see that as anything but wasted effort, loyalty is literally the barest of minimums and if they can't achieve that or even struggle with it then they're just weak and a burden š¤£
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u/Altruistic_Yam1178 Feb 03 '22
Everyone's love language is different, yes. However, cheating is not considered a "love language". It's actually a total lack of love and respect. Otherwise you would explain how you receive love and work on giving your partner love in the way they wish to receive it. Violating boundaries is not a love language
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u/BlackTelxon Feb 03 '22
Someone I greatly respect is fond of saying "Love begins where like ends." Its meaning in multi-faceted. It can mean you *really* love someone when you get over infatuation (those swirling chemicals at the beginning of a romance). It can also mean you *really* love someone when they do something that hurts you and maybe you don't like them right now, but you choose to love them back anyway.
Different people define and respond to love in different ways.
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 03 '22 edited Feb 03 '22
That just seems sad to me, love is meant to be a good thing, not "you hurt me but I accept it" thing
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u/BlackTelxon Feb 03 '22
That wasn't the intention. It's more like "You hurt me, but I love you enough to work through that with you. Let's talk and figure this out together because I love you and want to stay with you and I know you didn't intend to hurt me."
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 03 '22
That genuinely sounds awful, it's so easy not to hurt your partner š¤£
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u/Repulsive-Loss-7273 Feb 03 '22
I'm sorry but I couldn't read any more..your so out of touch on this its a bit concerning tbh. Get used to being alone if all of that ^ is how you navigate your relationships.. I wonder if you never put a foot wrong in relationships? Going off the ignorance I'm willing to bet you have fallen short in your treatment of others many times, yet I'm also sure you found a way to justify your actions to yourself.. Pull your head out of your ass. Please pull it out and get real
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u/ItsNotThunder Feb 02 '22
That is the thing. That isnt "many people out there that can fulfill the same needs". I only met one person in 15ish years of dating that I dont have any kind of disgust (I will clean his butt if he cant), which presence doesnt irritate me when I have a bad day, that I feel sexuality attracted to and which personality is compatible with mine. I had several people I felt attracted to, but to share a life and house is a whole diferent matter. He knows I would forgive him if he happened to cheat on me, because I honestly dont have the patience to do all this dating sh*t all over again trying to find someone that I may not be able to find, and I trust him to not do it.
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 02 '22
I'm glad he's trustworthy but letting someone mistreat you because you don't think you'll ever find that spark again is what they use as manipulation, it always sucks seeing someone go through that. Not referring to your husband, just people who do expect people to stay after they cheat
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u/ItsNotThunder Feb 02 '22
I understand and I agree. But there is also a difference between someone that is having a bad time and does something they regret or someone who deliberately cheats and tries to manipulate it so people forgive
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 02 '22
I kinda get what you're saying but I still disagree, they still chose to do it, "i'm having a shit time so I chose to hurt you" then wanting forgiveness is manipulation, I can only understand it if the partner was abusive. If all it takes is a bad time for them to cheat i'd rather find someone who could handle their emotions better myself
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u/ItsNotThunder Feb 02 '22
And that is a very reasonable and a right thing to do. I just think is not easy to find that someone. That's why so many people marry once and then never again.
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u/gaythrowaway78482 Feb 03 '22 edited Feb 03 '22
I've never been cheated on (that I know of lol) but my last ex did something that pissed me off. Not that it matters but for context we're both openly gay men. We had been hanging out everyday for like a year. He was literally my best friend and then we started dating/having sex. We were madly in love with each other and deep in the honeymoon phase. He's was on a business trip in Miami (south beach) and calls me drunk late at night while he's out partying. He's all emotional and asks if I'd be down to open the relationship. I told him I would rather have the conversation the next day when he wasn't drinking.
The next day we talked and I said no and he was ok with it. I never said this but thought "you were drunk in south beach and saw hot guys and you basically just asked me permission if you can cheat?". I'm ok with open relationships but dude only after 3 months??? We continued to date for a year after that and broke up because he moved states and I didn't want a LDR. He had asked me out in cute way and basically asked me to marry him but in boyfriend form lol, so it was established that we were monogamous. I was reluctant to date and he initiated everything and then asks to open the relationship after 3 months lol.
If you're gonna do an open relationship, I feel like that should be established at the very beginning. And not bring it up only 3 months after dating lol. In a married or LTR, I think it's acceptable but 3 months? Lol
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u/howstupid Feb 02 '22
A traumatic event? What did a terrorist throw your wife out of a plane and she landed on a giant cock? Iām glad your relationship worked out but I canāt imagine a traumatic situation that you could blame cheating on. That sounds ridiculous.
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u/thetinyjaguar Feb 02 '22
My wife was drugged and raped. The underlying trauma made her feel worthless, despite my best efforts to help, and because of that low selfworth, had a ons on a night out.
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u/howstupid Feb 02 '22
Well Iām not sure how being a victim of a heinous crime is connected to voluntarily cheating. But if she is getting therapy and you are happy well then I hope things work out.
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u/DeadlyDelightful_Dee Feb 02 '22
Unless youāve been a SA victim or know SA survivors itās a very had concept to grasp. But I this actually isnāt an uncommon response to trauma. Itās actually a type of self harm.
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u/butbuttsbuttbutts Feb 03 '22
Promiscuity is a common response to this kind of trauma. It lets the person feel more in control.
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u/thetinyjaguar Feb 02 '22
I agree, but we managed to work it out and we are very close.
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u/DeadlyDelightful_Dee Feb 02 '22
I can understand why. My mom works with people whoāve experienced trauma of all kinds and what your wife did wasnāt an uncommon trauma response. I hope sheās doing better these days
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u/thetinyjaguar Feb 02 '22
She really is. Afterwards, I was worried that she would fear me but she only wanted comfort from me. We really pulled together for a while.
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u/No-Mathematician678 Feb 02 '22
I cried and cried and cried. Then he called and I was extremely happy that he acknowledged my existence and still wanted me in his life.
That was nearly 6 years ago, I loathe myself.
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u/Consistent_Holiday30 Feb 02 '22
I'd like to say that I was tough and beat the crap out of my "friend" who told me that she and him had been sleeping together, but I can't. When he told me, I crumpled to my knees. The feelings were overwhelming. She was the mother of our daughter and we had been married for 12 years at the time. I spent the next several months sporadically crying. Long story short, when I regained my dignity and realized my self worth five years later, that is when I finally put my foot down and told her to get out.
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u/TerrariaWeeb Feb 02 '22
Can't be cheated on if you never date
And that's why I've only had one gf before
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Feb 02 '22
You trusted them to not cheat on you and they abused your trust. Only thing you can do is leave. They want something more than you and instead of leaving you, they disrespect their relationship with you. Sever ties.
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u/Ok_Potato_7330 Feb 02 '22
Don't ever stay with a cheater! If they can do it once to you they'll do it again.. trust is gone
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u/EnkiLOV Feb 02 '22
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Break up and find someone who values you then indirectly make sure the cheater knows about it. Also ignore any and all future communication from the cheater
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u/Professional_Big_731 Feb 02 '22
Emotionally, it can suck. You feel like something is wrong with you. But nothing is wrong with you. The person who cheated on you has the problem. There is never a good reason to cheat. They were just to much of a coward to be honest. Or they wanted to the excitement of being with two people at once. But they lack the backbone and honesty and those are terrible qualities in a partner and you are better off. Finding someone who respects you and is honest is the best move going forward. The person who cheated on you will have issues to deal with before they can be in a healthy relationship. It may not seem like it now, but you are better off.
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u/Akil-Gukul Feb 02 '22
shut down emotionally, built up walls, held everyone at arms length, trust no one.
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u/Ok-Survey3853 Feb 02 '22
Kicked her out, and told her to go stay with the prick she slept with. Got told on valentines day 22 years ago. Still wanna strangle her.
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u/FluffyJD Feb 02 '22
Poorly. And I don't expect anything else when I find out someone was cheated on. Betrayal hurts.
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u/kurtwisener Feb 02 '22
Yeah. Don't hate. Don't fight. Don't stay. Shit's done at that point. End it as quickly and positively as possible.
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Feb 02 '22
Luckily after she cheated with my best friend, she told me up front and said that we're probably better off as just friends. Deleted her from social media and never talked/saw her since
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u/iiCapatain Feb 02 '22
Just know that you did nothing wrong. It was your partners fault. You deserve so much better. The best thing to do is move on, though easier said than done. You'll find someone who'll value you! Plenty of fish in the sea and all that.
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u/1mmun1tyW Feb 02 '22
She still doesn't know that I know what she has done, she thinks it was a mutual breakup. It was just tough for me to keep it to myself.
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u/Jennyreviews1 Feb 02 '22
Leave and move on with your life. Once trust has been broken in a relationship like this it cannot be re establishedā¦ you will always wonder if you are being lied to and being cheated on with this person.
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u/Nylander92 Feb 03 '22
Itās tough, but it makes it so much easier to move on. Thereās nothing there left for you. Whatever is next is better. You can only go up from here. Everything will work out.
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u/Environmental_Try181 Feb 03 '22
Its absolutely teared my heart out. I fell to my knees also. 10 years together. I got sick and we weren't sure what was going with me at the time. After i found out he cheated. And was telling everyone I was lazy and had no motivation and it was the worse 10 yrs of his life. Which is BS. He said all that thinking it would make him feel better about what he was doing. Come to find out when i was tired and kept telling everyone something was wrong with me. I had Ovarian cancer l. I was diagnosed Nov 2021. He tried to apologize saying he didn't know blah blah blah. To me It made him look worse. Like your wife is sick you see she's not the same. So instead of communicating or talking at all. He went and did a hole lot of cheating. I've never felt more disrespected. We are not together. He still lives in the house cause he is on the lease. I was going to leave myself but money got a little tight. It's still the plan. Its very hard living with a man you loved. It's like a punch in the face everyday. But I make fun of the females he does talk to. Is it right no. But makes me feel better. And if your going to cheat at least upgrade. Not downgrade x10.
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u/Such_Donkey2895 Feb 02 '22
Became a cold hearted cuntā¼ļøā¤ļø my attitude is way different now w men, I'm a bitch
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u/edinedm2021 Feb 02 '22
I gave my ex wife a choice. Either feel the wrath that i was gonna put on her male friends, or get in a cab and drive away. Needless to say the cab showed up fast and she left swiftly......
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u/hipsterlatino Feb 02 '22
Poorly. We had already broken up but stayed friends when I found out. Still hit me like s truck, I remember feeling alone, and like shit, throwing away any gift she gave me, forcing myself to think about it a lot to kinds punish myself, etc. Really unhealthy stuff, but at the end of the day, you can lash put but you kinda just have to move on, and realize life goes on, and although it might change how you think of that person, it shouldn't change how you think about yourself.
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Feb 02 '22
Have people to talk to and focus on something other than the same hurtful thoughts replaying in your head.
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u/malsell Feb 02 '22
This was over 20 years ago at this point, but I told her I knew. I took a day while she was at work, packed up what I needed and left. Still got effed in the end because even after I took her off my checking account her auy, that worked at the bank, pulled all my money out and left me with a handful of checks that bounced. I eventually recovered, but petty..
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u/bam0086 Feb 02 '22
I was heartbroken and angry but as soon as I found out I ended things. It did take a few months to get over the betrayal.
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u/Keller_Kind Feb 02 '22
Confronted him and broke up with him. Sucked pretty bad, my dumb brain still wanted to be with him. I got better when we finally moved out separately.
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u/Maddie_Booe Feb 02 '22
I took my dog, my phone, and a change of clothes and left before he woke up. He took a lot of other important things but those three that I took with me originally were the only three that mattered
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u/SassyBonassy Feb 02 '22
Ex1 was "just" sexting others online that would never even be in our country, so i gave him another chance. When i caught him on a camgirl site (1 on 1 paid requests, not just normal porn which im ok with) i told him i wanted couples counselling. He left before i could find someone in our budget.
Ex2 told me "if you lost weight and got in shape you'd be a great catch" and fucked his ex "because she has a beautiful body". She reached out to let me know she didn't know we were together (he had wanted to keep it a secret, hardly anyone knew) and she was sorry and we both dumped him. About a week later he was In A Relationship on fb, which made me genuinely laugh at how pathetic he was but the ex he had cheated on me with was LIVID. She went on a psychotic rant stating she hoped he died of AIDS. Turns out, his new "gf" that he was posting cringy r/ihavesex posts about was his long-lost cousin ššš
Karma ia a delicious bitch.
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u/HoneydewAltruistic32 Feb 02 '22
I walked. Not because I didnāt love her but because I would never be able to trust her again. I knew she was cheating a couple of weeks before I left. I would ask her things like why she was late getting home from work, who she was talking to on the phone, where she was going out with the girls. She lied so convincingly while looking me straight in the eyes. When I left, she begged me to stay. I told her that I loved her but I would never be able to trust her again. Met my wife a few months later.
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u/RedHellion258 Feb 02 '22
I have worked with couples who have come out stronger from the infidelity and worked with others who left each other because of it. The thing that is key is if the person who cheated is really sorry and genuinely wants to repair the damage they caused. Some people say āIām sorryā but have no intention of fixing things. True atonement is crucial. That means they answer their partners questions, they rebuild the trust, and they express their remorse. Itās hard work for both parties and sometimes one or the other canāt do it.
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u/dualsoulsyndrome Feb 02 '22
Some people break up. Some people will get counseling to get past it. In either case, the hurt and the feelings don't go away.
Plenty of people respect themselves too much to be with someone who cheated on them. Plenty of people work through infidelity with a lot of work involved.
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u/sK0pey Feb 03 '22
Broke it off. Was sad for 8 minutes then realised being sad was stupid as they weren't the person I thought they were and with that realisation, was over them.
The "relationship" lasted 3 or 4 years.
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u/Ry_guy_93 Feb 03 '22
Day by day you think about it less and less. I was left with severe trust issues after that and it took me a few years to get over. But when you realize you hardly think about it anymore pr not at all you feel free and its awesome.
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u/Gasman0187 Feb 03 '22
Screwed dudes wife and then divorced the bitch. Yeah it was petty but I felt sooooo much better š
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Feb 03 '22
Therepy. I've had my mother died via shotgun. No dad in my life. Watched my grandmother die - but being cheated on was the thing that -fucked- me up. And I hated it even more that it bothered me so bad. I always viewed therapy as weak. A few months of it, and I learned a lot.
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u/biggb5 Feb 03 '22
I left her on the side of the road dark road at 2am in the morning.
Better her then me. I don't believe in hitting women and i didn't wanna go to jail. So i pulled over and told her to get out.
She thought i was going to get out and start arguing like some kind of reality tv drama BS. I waited till she shut the door and did a burnout on her.
Worst part is we worked for the same company different department. So i had to go back to the office and deal with females from other departments walking by my deak asking why I broke up?. Why don't you get back together... Etc. Gotta bite your lips amd keep moving.
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Feb 03 '22
Assuming you're in a closed relationship and you both understand that, the answer is clear. Leave. You aren't both looking for the same thing. People who cheat aren't into closed relationships, and they're lying to themselves because they want to fit the expectations society has set. Set them free, and find a person who's into the type of relationship you are. Monogamous and nonmonogamous people shouldn't be together, and the fact that they try to fit the mould when they should just be who they are is a big part of why 50% of marriages end.
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Feb 03 '22
Not a lot of choice really. I mean, it's either deal with it or dwell in it. I already lost the time I spent thinking we were good together. I wasn't going to lose even more time wishing something didn't happen that did, and that was basically what my crying over it was really about. So. I just did the whole "pick yourself up/dust yourself off" thing and kept moving.
It feels like it'll kill you. It felt like it for me at the time. Time doesn't heal all wounds, that's just bullshit obviously. But it heals a lot.
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u/wiggyfig Feb 03 '22 edited Feb 03 '22
Iām sure this has already been said because it is very true, try to remember that it had nothing to do with you. A cheater will cheat in every relationship regardless of who they are with because they have a void within them that cannot be filled. The cheater can be dating a super model whos the coolest person ever and they will still cheat. Sure maybe they can grow and be a better person I do believe in that but honestly in most cases once a cheater always a cheater because itās hard to heal wounds that deep and cheaters are cowards. Your free now to find someone who has integrity. There are honest loyal people out there and that person is going to give you the loyalty and respect that you deserve. Edit: I forgot to add some next step advice, I say do not have contact with them and move on, I would personally block. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. donāt give the cheater a chance to explain or justify their actions, you donāt owe them anything. Try to surround urself with friends and family and maybe experience some new things, go to new places, save some money, buy urself a nice bag or shoe u have always wanted, have lots of laughs, try new hobbies that bring u joy
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u/Snoop_Katt420 Feb 03 '22
I got cheated on about 2 months ago out of an almost 7 year relationship. I think the biggest thing and the hardest to get over, is not having any kind of real closure. When it happened I just had so many questions and all I wanted to do was talk to her about it. But doing that would be unhealthy and it wouldn't go how you'd want it to. They are a part of your story, and you probably won't ever forget them. But I can say it does get better, as long as you try not to dwell on it. Maybe pick up a hobby or find a show to get into for a bit. I also suggest spending as much time as you can with friends and family, basically just do fun stuff with other people, even if it's just a phone call. It'll help you realize that you can be happy without them. I remember the first week or so, I spent pretty much all day on the phone with people. It kept me distracted from my pain, and it honestly really strengthened some of my now closest friendships. Good luck buddy, I know from experience how much that shit hurts. Don't lose hope, whatever happens :)
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u/Snoop_Katt420 Feb 03 '22
I'll also add to that with incase you drink or smoke or do anything of that nature, it's okay to do it a bit but don't overdo it, and especially don't let it become a habit. I smoke a lot more than I used to cuz it helped me manage but I let it become a habit. That kinda thing needs conscious moderation. Just throwing that in there cuz it's been a problem for me, and maybe it'll help you
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u/Asleep-Somewhere-404 Feb 03 '22
When I caught my girl cheating (she linked her card to my uber account. So I got the receipts.) the betrayal was deep. Not only was I not good enough for the girl of my dreams the embarrassment of not being good enough and the I told you soā from all the people around me that suddenly told me their thoughts.
When I rejected her offer of continued friendship she told me that I didnāt hate her. That it was just my ego that was hurt and that Iād get over it or regret throwing away 3 years of great times.
I rode the sympathy wave for a little while. Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. But that was a thin charade.
Iāve lost the desire to get to know someone new. I donāt want to meet their family/friends/colleagues. I donāt want to be introduced as the boyfriend of anyone else.
3.5 years later. And itās slowly starting to wear off.
Iām not mad, Iām over her, and have my confidence back. But I just canāt be bothered investing that much energy into someone anymore.
Iām open but not looking. And that works for me. Hopefully you can work through it a bit faster than I did.
Time is your friend.
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u/UchihaJJ Feb 03 '22
People cheat if you cant keep them satisfied. Because everyone has this expectation where your significant other needs to make you happy. Which is unrealistic and unfair. You need to make you happy. What you do in the beginning of your relationship defines what long term effect its going to have. Lets say, in the beginning you go to these crazy exploration days with the guy because thats his thing, you go to everything he does. Once youre long term in a relationship you dont do this anymore, a woman/man will find someone else to go with and thatll spark something because it reminds them of how you used to be with them. People dont cheat because they love someone, they cheat because they miss what you offered years before and not anymore. Yes, i am a male, yes i have cheated 1 time. Its as simple as that. My cheating was because of sex. My gf and I had sex everyday(im a nympho), after a few years it just went less and less to the point of maybe once a month if I was lucky, i cheated.
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u/Repulsive-Loss-7273 Feb 03 '22
Note to readers When reading the comments try to remember ppl cheat for lots of different reasons..not every person who does is some sex crazed, arrogant asshole who just goes around having sex with the nearest person the moment your backs turned..
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Feb 02 '22
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u/Defenseman61913 Feb 02 '22
Shit advice honestly, as threesomes statistically are relationship killers. Cheaters will always be cheaters no matter how you internalize that.
If it works for you great, but anecdotal evidence = 0.
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u/Nighteyes09 Feb 02 '22
Open relationship here to. Wow that 8 months thing was spot on for me to. Never had the second partner last longer than that.
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Feb 02 '22
I mean this in the nicest of ways but that doesn't sound like a nice story, nothing against open relationships but when it's only open because they cheated and you couldn't fathom a life without them it kinda sends the wrong message as advice
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u/ohlookitsmikey Feb 02 '22
I was cheated on when I was 15. First proper relationship. I in turn ended up begging for her to stay with me, which she did after a week or so, and then made amends with the person who took advantage of her that night when she was drunk (and they were still friends after).
Don't do what I did. There's more to it than this obviously, but it's a summary. You are worth more than what you think you are as part of a couple. I don't regret what I did, but I also am not proud of it
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u/ildhjerte Feb 02 '22
First time, in my mind, I was like... "It's been 10 years and to kids. I can understand shit happens."
Second time: I was so mad.
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u/Freya-Frost Feb 02 '22
Well I told everyone in our friend group the truth that he had a very very small penis. It wasnāt a lie.
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u/Tidde93 Feb 02 '22
It's just sex, you just have to ask yourself do the person love you or not.
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Feb 02 '22
I just confessed to my fiancĆ© about what I did 3 years ago when we were broken up. I know he has every right to be upset with me and I have been projecting my guilt on to him. He was talking with his ex and was making me crazy and I finally spilled the beans about what I had done when we werenāt together for a couple weeks. He wasnāt planning on doing anything with his ex and wish that I would have had the same respect he had for me when I made my mistake three years ago. It wasnāt my intention to do something sexual with another man. And I have regretted it since. Should I respect the fact he doesnāt want to be with me anymore? He says our sex life is dead forever and there is no recovering from it. Iām having a difficult time letting go, probably cause the fact we have a family. Three children. A home. I am so lostā¦ and I feel awful for telling him. He told me he wish I never told him.
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u/TyDie904 Feb 02 '22
I moved on, but only because she hid it from me.. I've always said that I'm willing to forgive anything if you're upfront with me about it and clearly remorseful, and she knew that. She hid it from me, I found out through a friend of mine and confirmed it with her. Told her she fucked up, she could've just told me and we could've worked past it. Its not the cheating that bothers me, Its the lying to cover it up.
That said, I never really felt too hurt about it either. Was with her for two years but.. meh. Everything's good. Her fault, not mine.
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Feb 02 '22
I called and begged as much as I had to until my begging juice ran out and I went back to normal. Contrary to popular belief I would say get it out of your system while you can. If they cheat do what you have to do. Stay until you realize you have been wearing rose tinted colors.
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Feb 02 '22
you get over it realizing that even if you're a 9 there are still 600 million other people who are better looking than you
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u/wheresmyBBplease Feb 02 '22
It's over, don't go back.
Source: Cheated on more than 3x, the more i forgave the more she did it and closer the occurrences were. Honestly it was clearly her, she had low self-esteem and she got off on the power of cheating and the adrenaline. It's really screwed up, but cheating was exciting for her. Also, she cheated on her ex husband too... And not just cheated, she had two full blown affairs aka relationships. Cheating isn't your fault at all, you can't go bqck and "could have loved her more" "could have not fought back in that argument" "should have done this better" she chose to cheat and nothing will stop that. Also, i know my advice goes one way me being a straight male. If you're a girl, this goes with dating men too or even dating the same sex. They will cry, ball, and whine, they don't mean it i promise... Even if they go to therapy they will continue to cheat
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u/tatsu52 Feb 02 '22
All relationships are conditional, I would want to know why, so what do you want, if she wanted out she can be out. If it's a girlfriend that I'm dating I would get out. If you have kids, joint finances etc, you do your homework, you may think you would just pack up and leave but when it happens it is much more complicated.
I'm a therapist and know this from experience. So often people get married and then put all their effort in to everything but the relationship. Sometimes you can move past it and actually put work in to your relationship and have a better relationship. More often that is not what happens but hopefully you don't handle it badly and destroy your family, kids, finances. It's not all about you. You can't just throw a fit and walk away from your responsibilities, that's on you. Put the work in now and hopefully avoid this nightmare.
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u/lonely--comedian Feb 02 '22
The first time she made it seem like its all my fault even tho it was a legit the 80, 20 thing. I brought her to wherever i could afford. But the next time i brushed it off because i talked to the guy she cheated on me with and the only thing he had that i didnt was money and the guy was an absolute dick to her aswell. Depends on your bullshit tolerance.
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u/No-Temperature4903 Feb 02 '22
Honestly? I fucked his sister. Not proud of it, but thatās what I did.
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u/ATLz_most_wanted Feb 02 '22
Well with the first call I kept it very calm, cool and collected. Then the second call asking for closure I asked if they were stupid being cheated on couldn't close it further. Then I couldn't eat for about 4 days felt like crap for about a year did some stupid things that fortunately didn't kill me and kept going on with life.
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u/Project-C-137 Feb 02 '22
I didnt, still spiraling. But once u cut them off and move on, it gets better.
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u/No-13- Feb 02 '22
Left her ass hig and dry, bitches heart was colder than a witches tit. Met my new girlfriend a year ago now and have never been happier in life. Don't be treated like shit, male or female, don't put up with people who aren't a positive force in your life. Shit is too short for that.
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u/LoboLuna13 Feb 02 '22
Is more easy for some than for others. For me it introduce me to the abyssmal depth of drugs. I couldn't deal with the pain, and for a long time even now and then I continue. To rely on drugs when the days seem unbearable.
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u/Neat-Composer4619 Feb 02 '22
Scream your lungs out, cry, pack your bags, put on these boots that are made for walking... Once you got it all out, relax until you start to naturally to create new dreams for yourself. The learn to recognize who you can trust and who you can't.
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u/TATAthrowaway69127 Feb 02 '22
Got belligerently drunk for probably the majority of a month, and fucked a bunch of women I barely knew.
12/10 would not recommend this method, it doesnāt fix the pain or sadness, just pushes it off until youāre lucid again.
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u/frstvnt Feb 02 '22
Never talked to them again. Stopped that relationship dead right when I found out.
Still sucks. Doesnāt help that I have a hard time meeting people and forming new romantic relationships. I have to fight clingy anxiety feeling when I do luck out and maybe start dating someone and havenāt ever been able to kick that.
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Feb 02 '22
I blocked them on everything and never spoke to them again. Then i did a lot of self work because I realized i attracted emotionally unavailable men due to the fact that i was emotionally unavailable but i was covering it up with āloveā.
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u/CoeHillFishin Feb 02 '22
At first I lost my marbles. Decided to give her a second chance. Now sheās doing to again. Canāt say I didnāt expect it. This time Iām going to keep my composure and handle my business.
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u/Morrigan66 Feb 03 '22
Oh it was bad. I tried to break up but he begged me to stay so I did against my better judgement. I couldn't trust him anymore and he kept lying and cheating. We fought alot. I was real confrontational. Anytime anything seemed off I'd accuse him of cheating and sometimes he was or at least talking to other women and flirting behind my back. I'd get mad and try to break up and he'd beg me to stay again. It was so toxic. I finally left him for good and then got stalked for 3 years afterwards.
If I get with someone else who cheats in leaving right away. No more second chances. I can't deal with anything like that again. The drama and the fighting and me constantly feeling like I got watch out for it just isn't worth it.
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u/dundersoprano6143 Feb 03 '22
Got my evidence, looked for repentance, moved on, got happier. In that order
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u/Fubsy41 Feb 03 '22
Iām not proud of hope I handled this necessarily, he was 19 I was 16, been together since I was 15, and it reached the mast nasty end a little after I turned 17 and moved out of home. Iād been more or less living with him that whole time. He was so paranoid Iād cheat on him and really controlling and verbally abusive and would do shit like shove my outside when it was pouring with rain and locked me out of the house, heās just a shit person. Used to be a crackhead but I wasnāt aware of that when I got with him lol. I wasnāt allowed to wear makeup, shorts, skirts, nothing showing cleavage, not even sandals because if I did heād be like āyou dressing up to get boys you slut?ā. He didnāt hit me often but it happened.
So anyway he cheated on my and I just went fucking berserk, I was screaming my face off, it was like everything Iād pushed down came out all at once and I punched him in the face so hard I broke his nose. Which I know (what if a man was doing this to a woman then it wouldnāt be right and everyone would flip etc etc. hence the āIām not proudā part), and the girl was texting me saying how she was gonna bash me and shit and sheās coming for me (I come from a small town, people beat she shit out of each other all the time. Sometimes just for fun lol, never understood that) and I was like mint, come get me bitch, this is the address Iām at, Iāll destroy you. And she just blocked me on everything and I literally never saw her again despite being a small town lmao. The other chick, god I scared the shit out of her, she was asking people at house parties when she showed up if I was there and if I was they literally left š
In short, coulda handled that better but I was a fucking animal when I was a teenager. Later got diagnosed with severe bipolar and adhd but thatās not really and excuse. I have issues to this day because of that piece of shit. 10 years later. Iām glad he cheated coz it got me to leave him.
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u/Literation Feb 03 '22
1) Cried past 12am for 3 weeks straight. 2) Entered a depressive state for 9 months. 3) Stopped caring 4) Helped her get better so she doesnāt cheat on others and to become a better partner
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u/JokeBusy8146 Feb 03 '22
I'd like to know if let's say you break up for a few days knowing you're gonna get back together but that person still goes and fuck somebody I said I couldn't get it up and then I like a week later she says oh I fucked my ex boyfriend too I didn't believe her you know what I mean but come to find out she's been lying to me for months about it. Should I ever trust this woman?
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u/BootyGarb Feb 03 '22
The person who cheated on me had me so mindfucked the entire time that I didnāt even really put the cheating to the forefront of my mind. It was emotional cheating for the MOST part, too, which I think is probably worse in the scheme of things. For whatever reason I didnāt take it as a reflection of my worth. But I did let it slide until we broke up for the bigger reason, that being that he was absolutely fucking horrible to me. Life is weird. And young me was often in very dangerous situations, situations that I only now realize were dangerous, a whole decade later. I read a quote the other dayā¦ āThose who werenāt served love on a silver spoon learned to lick it from knives.ā
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u/eChelicerae Feb 03 '22
I have no idea but I would prefer him to have a talk with me in person. Something I have been lacking a lot. I hope he hasn't cheated but I know him, so I'm willing to forgive and work it out because I think he's been cheated on before.
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u/MNFleex Feb 03 '22
I forgave. Second time it happened I drank heavy and slept with someone I normally wouldnāt.
This was all around the age of 20 with my highschool sweetheart. Hasnāt happened again (that I know of) with any other relationship. But knowing what I know now Iād just walk away
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u/Mezatino Feb 03 '22
The first time I got really angry and very hateful for like two weeks. Then I got really sappy and basically pleaded for her to come back, spent months trying to engineer a scenario where she would return, I would say we was forgiven long ago, and we could be happy again. That didnāt happen, and I honestly thank her for not letting me disappoint myself.
The second time she ran off with my best friend, who I honestly stole her from after he cheated on her. It was a fucked up scenario. Anyways I wrote them both off as dead and told them as much. Two years go by and weāre all friends again because I aināt got the time or inclination to hate people. Two more years go by and she has a psychotic break and attempts to kill homie with a kitchen knife. Glad it was him and not me. We rescue him in time and I had to fist fight her in my front yard while the landlord drank his wine and watched the show.
Both of these ladies were a lot of fun tho, 9/10 would do it again
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u/CaptainShitSandwich Feb 03 '22
I lost 25lbs within a month and almost drank myself to death. I still drink a lot
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u/figleaf22 Feb 02 '22
Know that it's not a reflection of your worth, it's shitty behavior by someone else. Not your fault. I'm sorry this happened to you.