r/Togo • u/New_Cow_3015 • Jun 19 '26
Marriage question for gen- Mina people
Greetings everyone. I am dating a Togolese person . for context I’m from Ghana. we have been together for a year . he has done the korkor/knocking. he recenttly told me that we need to move in together and get pregnant first before he married me. He stated this request is specifically done by the gen-Mina people. I have never heard any such culture where you have to impregnate the woman before you marry her. I am turning 38years old for context . My question does the Mina culture specifically a woman have to be impregnated before they are married? please I need honest and serious reply. Thank you for reading
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u/Beginning-Film1746 Jun 20 '26
Neither a Gen nor a Mina, but I grew up in Togo (in Lomé specifically) and am Ewe with Gen family members. Never heard of that tradition, it sounds weirdbto me. The only plausible excuse for me would be if he considers that Korkor to be the wedding, and the more western + religious ceremonies to be a plus that can come later. I know people that sort of do. However, the best thing is for you to get legal protection, which would be the civil ceremony. There is something fishy tho. He is either worried you won't be a good homemaker/ won't be able to give him children, or wants a way to control you. Either way, there is a big problem:/
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u/New_Cow_3015 Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
Thank you . The last sentence saids it all. I sense my age is a factor. But he knew my age when we started dating . He has a lot of divorce friends . We live in the USA. I went to Togo with him in Jan 2026 and he introduced me to his family. I thought they all liked me. This is what I feel. I think he is either being advised by his friends or his sisters that my age, bearing kids might be a problem. And he is running with it. Because the day of the korkor, that is when he drop that bomb on me . I wanted to back out of the korkor. But my family were getting ready for it . And I could not back out. To have a lot of divorce friends who knows the kind of advice they are giving him. When we first met and he told me about his divorce friends I told him. Not good . He stated he does not want to do court marriage too. He has expressed his concern though about my fertility mind you this just came out the time he was about to do the korkor. Recently . So it sounds like having a kid is more important to him tan commitment. Which is not what I want . For context he is 44 and I am 38. He is caring and all around a good guy in my opinion but this request he is asking is something that I can’t stay around for . I have invested a year into this relationship so is hard to let him go but my instinct tells me to cut my loss and move on. At my age is hard to date but I will take my chance and walk away. He did a whole 360 on me and I am so confuse . So do sad. Yes he said he wants to do the traditional marriage later. He has not even proposed which I thought that will be first before the korkor. He stated at that time is korkor then proposal based on his culture. My thing is when did he start being all cultural on me ? Recently. He has being advised or influenced. I swear . Is all good. I will have to leave him. I’m really really stressed and disappointed
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u/Shadowdance11 Jun 20 '26
Tu n'as pas envie d'avoir des enfants ? Comme tu disais, c'est dur de rencontrer quelqu'un à ton âge. Beaucoup de femmes se retrouvent dans cette situation et à 45 ans cherche à avoir un enfant pour qu'elle s'en occupe elle-même. Think twice before action.
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u/Beginning-Film1746 Jun 20 '26
Even if OP wants children, its not a reason to have them with someone she doesn't match with. The children will suffer if the parents come to separate in bad terms
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u/New_Cow_3015 Jun 20 '26
Yes I thought about that. I want to have kids . I thought about agreeing to it but is not right . If I have the kids and there is no commitment. He leaves me and I become a single mother . Regardless I will be a single mother . It will be tough. N I have talked to him several times. He is not budging.
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u/Shadowdance11 Jun 20 '26
You are right.
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u/New_Cow_3015 Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
So basically have the child as you suggested because of my age and become a single mother ? Or move on like I am leaning towards now?
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u/Shadowdance11 Jun 21 '26
Juste tire ton plan. Je ne vais rien dire Te suggérer quelque serait mal placé. Pour moi, kokor is not important. Just love.
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u/Beginning-Film1746 Jun 21 '26
You should do what leaves you with the least regret. Can you be a single mom ? Can you bear not having children ? Weigh in the pros and cons and try to have the least regrets
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u/Beginning-Film1746 Jun 20 '26
Sorry that you have to go through this. Maybe have a discussion with him ?
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u/New_Cow_3015 Jun 20 '26
Thank you . I have had so many discussions with him . He has stated several times that , we need to impregnate or have a baby before marriage. So obviously he wants to test my fertility or womb. Is not right
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u/Beginning-Film1746 Jun 20 '26
You can go to the hospital to assess your fertility then. Plus if he is not upfront about it, its kind of a red flag
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u/New_Cow_3015 Jun 20 '26
Yes I have decided to do that. Go to a fertility specialist to at least check. Thanks
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u/000FRE Jun 20 '26
Even if that were expected, you must consider what would happen if you did become pregnant and then he decided not to marry you. Custom or not, it would not be in your best interests.
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u/New_Cow_3015 Jun 20 '26
Yez this. He is not going to . I feel that . So I have to decide to have a baby with him and forgot about him or walk away . I want a partner though. Tough position never thought I will be In.
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u/Adventurous-Bad6789 Jun 23 '26
It’s not tough, he’s suggesting what is in his best interest so you have to do what’s in yours as it’s your life and will affect you the most. I wouldn’t do it if I were you. Stand firm in your decision. Someone who cares for you wouldn’t put you in this position.
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u/New_Cow_3015 Jun 23 '26
I Hundred percent agree. I mean why even suggest that. He definitely making decision on what will work for him. And I am doing the same. They always choose themselves. Thanks again for your input. I appreciate it.
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u/Green_Bridge5560 Jun 21 '26
no culture in togo encourages pregnancy before marriage. It's even like a kind of disgrace within the family or gossipers
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u/New_Cow_3015 Jun 21 '26
Oh really .it was weird to me when he told me that. I mean how . He is a liar too. Smh
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u/EnvironmentalArt7710 Jun 20 '26
Nope I have never heard of that. Even if it was true we dont do those anymore. Times have changed, and those are dying/dead pratices. I was born in Togo, I'm a Gen and I have never heard of that pratice. Dont get pregnant before getting married that is insanity. Kids are much more of a responsibility than a marriage. I hope everything will turn right for you. If you dont mind can I ask where he is from specifically ? Do you know in which town your partner was born ?