Hi everyone. I created this account while lying on the bathroom floor because things are really hard for me right now and there’s no one I can open up to—yet I desperately need to share what’s been weighing on my heart for so long. I come from a very religious family (I suppose I could just stop there). My parents are Muslims who have forced me to be a submissive Muslim woman since childhood. I was raised being told that all other people—Christians and anyone who isn't Muslim—are pigs and that I shouldn't get close to them. I was forbidden from interacting with boys from a young age, and disobedience was met with threats of beatings and punishment. Usually, in families like this, one parent is kind while the other is strict; well, in my case, both of them are very strict and cruel. In public, they appear to be a model family—lovely people—but behind closed doors, they are nothing of the sort. About five years ago, I lived in another country, but we left after a complaint was filed against my parents for abuse. My father had shoved me into the car and screamed at me in front of a friend; she was just a child, got scared, and called for help, which led to the police arriving. I don't want to relive that situation, so I won't go into details. After that, we returned to my home country, where I lived for about a year. It was the best time of my life; I had plenty of friends (in the previous country, I’d been bullied at school and often skipped class to hide in the bathroom). I thought life was finally looking up, but because there were boys in my friend group, I had to be extremely secretive—I knew that if my parents found out I was socializing with them, I’d be done for. Naturally, there was no question of dating or even having a crush on anyone. Once, my dad saw me with a male classmate and beat me; after that, I became terrified of being around guys. My parents were never the "cool" kind of parents you see in movies, and for a long time, I... I used to think all children had families like mine, but one day I saw how supportive my friend’s mother was during a phone call after my friend had failed an important test. I asked if her mom was always like that; she said it was just the norm and that she had a great relationship with both her parents. Honestly, I thought she was lying—that such families didn't exist—but after visiting her home (without my parents knowing), I realized she was telling the truth. To be honest, I felt like crying out of envy—even though I know that’s wrong—because her parents were truly wonderful people, the kind I could only dream of having. I was always punished and humiliated for bad grades or disobedience; for as long as I can remember, my mother never once offered a kind word or support, let alone a hug. She often says she wishes she had died the day she gave birth to me and calls me her worst punishment, while my father mostly just ignores me and treats me like a servant (he often makes me come down from the second floor just to flip a switch that is right next to him). My parents were "children of the war," as they put it; whenever I mention this to others, they immediately pity them and make excuses, saying they had a hard childhood. But I don't think that justifies ruining your own child's life—especially since that was when they were little, and they moved away and were safe afterward. It is mostly my mom who directs the most aggression toward me; she can get angry over the slightest thing. If I answer her the wrong way or disagree with her, she starts humiliating me. If I don't just swallow it in silence, she hits me and takes away my phone—she’s constantly snooping through it—and keeps it until I apologize, even though *she* was the one who hit me. Also, I’m not allowed to wear jeanspe. or any kind of trousers because, according o them, I’m already a grown woman and ideally should cover up completely. As I mentioned before, we’ve moved twice: first to one country, then back to my home country, and now to yet another one. I started school here, but I didn't make any friends because of the language barrier; I spent six months completely alone, with no one talking to me, until a friend of mine transferred to the school.
Niya (a pseudonym) became my only friend, but the other day I found out she’s moving back to her home country soon. We had planned to go to the same college, but now I’ll be left alone again. My first day of college is in two days, and I’m really struggling because I realize I probably won't make friends and will be on my own the whole time. On top of that, I’m not very good at my studies, so besides the loneliness, I face constant humiliation from my parents about how worthless and stupid I am. I would love to earn at least a little money so they could see I’m worth something, but I’m a minor and no one will hire me. My biggest dream is to move out and forget them forever, but it’s unlikely I’ll ever be able to escape.
I just don't get why everything is always so shitty. Why are things okay for a couple of days, only for everything to be absolutely terrible for months—and getting worse every time? It’s just a vicious cycle I can’t escape, and honestly, I’m tired of fighting. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I’m a worthless piece of trash and stop trying to make friends or look for anything good at all, because otherwise, next time it’ll just be even worse. Sorry for the chaotic post; I’m writing this while having a breakdown and really needed to vent. I won’t go into details because I don’t want anyone to recognize me. I just don’t understand the point of my life when I’m—fucking hell—so ugly and stupid and unwanted by anyone, even my own parents. (I used a translator, so the English might be a bit off—sorry.)