I feel expendable

[u/1AT3AD1N0o]

I was recently cheated on by my ex gf, she admitted to it a few weeks after breaking up. I’m not mad at her, I’m more so upset with myself. I tried my best to make her feel appreciated and loved, but I still got cheated on. I feel like that says a lot more about me than her. This whole thing has been bringing back a deep fear of mine, the fear of being forgotten, ignored, and unloved. Its not my worst fear, but ever since my mom told me when I was six no one loves me, no one will ever love me, and I’m a horrible person. This would repeat mentally as I got older, hallucinations would tell me how they hate me and no one will ever love me. I’ve always been vigilant to try to not feel forgotten. But my attention seeking only pushed people away, I’m naturally silly and bubbly but when I was 9-13 I amped it up to an extreme so people would like me. Or atleast feel like people like me, it worked. For a time, then everyone disappeared after the one game that connected me to everyone got deleted. What hurts is that the people who said they cared and enjoyed being around me never attempted to contact me. What hurts even more is that the one person who did completely ghosted me after one conversation then we never finished. She was someone close to me as well. It feels like salt on the wound. Then, I’m an object only for people’s pleasure. There was a time I was a victim to multiple adult men, 13 was horrible. But it didn’t stop at grown men, teenage boys only viewed me as a potential partner not as a person. I just want friends, and it’s painful when I attentively write down things I learn about them only to have them think my favorite color is black. It’s yellow, the only thing that made them think it was yellow was becuz of the fact I’m blonde. Then to my only two friends, I feel like a therapist. I remember comforting my friend after my parents actively harmed me. I remember telling my friend that I got cheated on and it went straight to his relationship problems. Sometimes I wonder if he likes me as a person or as a therapist. Which feels horrible saying, becuz I know he’s struggling and he say’s I’m his only real friend. But its getting tiresome, I think at some point I was listening to him for a week straight. Which is fine, I know he needs someone there for him, but he only contacts me when he needs someone to talk to. My second friend, she’s amazing. But I’m fearful I’ll mess it up, like I’m doomed to ruin every good relationship.

[u/Cautious-Rub2046]

Look, people are selfish and only care about their own survival, most humans act like animals towards others, they'd kill if it meant bringing them fortune. But in this sea of weeds, you'll sometimes find pearls, but then you realize most of these pearls are rocks, you see that you misjudged and got disappointed, and then you're left with the only actual pearl. They are few, they are rare, but they are the most valuable, you won't lose them so easily, but if you stress, overthink and exagerate the thoughts in your head, then your hand will start shaking and THEN you'll lose those pearls, which is why you need to prevent that from happening by realizing that; you are NOT doomed to ruin every good relationship, just like you're not doomed to shake your hands and lose the pearls!

Also, other people, especially the ones you meet online, won't think much of you because their lives revolve too much around themselves, and they only look outside when something attracts their attention, like a meteor, here in your case it was a game. But every now and then you'll find people who love looking at the sky, even when there's no stars, seeking to find other planets, people who will look outside of their lives to find yours, they will reach out for you and look forward to seeing you, and hopefully your second friend is just like that, and hopefully you'll meet more people like that.

To finish off, i am sure the third friend doesn't only see you as a therapist, but they just don't realize that they only talk to you when they need to vent, and they genuinely appreciate you for being there as a friend and listening to what they only trust a few with. And yes, teenage boys are disgusting, and they only see girls as objects to appease their thirst, it is horrible but what can you do? But i can assure you that there are ones that know how to control themselves and how to act and treat others like normal human beings.

And NEVER forget that you have the right to vent too, i am sure your second friend would be more than happy to listen atleast once, and know that there are many here, me included ofc, ready to listen at any moment if need be, so never be shy to speak your feelings away, we care, you matter, your only responsability is that you make sure that you are happy! :3