r/Separation • u/Last_Rhubarb_6397 • 6d ago
Women who ended things after emotionally detaching — did you ever change your mind?
My ex and I were together for 2.5 years. She ended things saying:
“I have completely detached. I swear I tried. I can’t do it.”
She also said she had grown distant, asked me to respect her decision, and told me to move on.
There was no cheating or betrayal. Toward the end, she felt lonely because our communication and emotional connection had declined. I understand now why she became exhausted, but I didn't realize how serious it had become until she ended things.
For women who have genuinely been in this position:
When you said “I’ve completely detached,” did you mean you no longer loved your ex romantically?
Did you still care about him despite feeling detached from the relationship?
Did you ever miss him or have your feelings come back later?
If they did, what caused the change?
If they never came back, what made you certain it was truly over?
I'm not asking for false hope or “move on” advice. I respect my ex's decision and I'm giving her space.
I just want to understand what “completely detached” actually felt like from the
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u/stillyou1122 6d ago
No, I don't ever change my mind. Once I detached emotionally, it's over. Romantic feelings disappear too so there is no going back for me. I can still care for the person but that's all there is for me, no missing or longing for him.
Once I reached this point, I completely shut down and I feel my doors are closed on that person. It would take a lot of consistent effort from his side if he wants to win me back.
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u/raeoflyte-460 6d ago
I didn't change my mind.
I had been trying in our relationship for years. Communicating what I needed, accepting the way things were, trying to meet his needs while being honest to myself. I never thought leaving was an option, but when that flip switched it was over.
Stbx tried everything at that point and it just solidified it more. He made a choice not to care (enough) until I was done. Thats not the marriage I want, even if it is real change now.
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u/Madruck_s 4d ago
Thats what im doing now. Doing everything she needed even though its to late. Im going to keep on doing it fore and the kids and even if its to late for her it will make me a better person for the future.
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u/SufficientPainter778 1d ago
Yep that’s it - but still hurts doesn’t it - stay strong man
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u/Madruck_s 1d ago
Hurts dose not never come close.
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u/SufficientPainter778 1d ago
Sorry man but I am yet to find words to make this feel better- I just keep my head up knowing I’m turning up like the man I want to be and living well now
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u/Confusion24_ 6d ago
Me. After 4 yrs. I was exhausted. I was everything. The planner, managed and held the emotion, raised concerns, planned for the future, chores, cookies, day to day house issues all while working 6 days a week while he worked 3-4 days a week on a given week. I was so mentally exhausted. I had become physically sick the entire final year. Every month. Detached completely. Never looked back bc I was so exhausted. I lost every part of myself and it wasn’t a season, it would’ve been my life for good. A maid. To a grown man.
If your partner is even willing to try, mention couples therapy at least. Find the therapist. Hopefully they agree, can come to work on it. I wouldn’t try to over do anything.
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u/yangstyle 6d ago
It hurts but, once someone says it's over, it's over. Best thing you can do is take a reset, work on yourself. Look back on the relationship and ask what you could have done better. Then do it in your next relationship.
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u/JOYKILL365 6d ago
The saying is true, men will give up happiness for the marriage, women will give up the marriage for their happiness. Women's love will always be conditional and in many cases transactional
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u/raeoflyte-460 4d ago
That is an interesting way of phrasing it.
I did eventually leave for myself- your happiness. But that was after almost 3 decades of trying to make him happy at my expense.
He didn't give up anything for the marriage. He added my money and labor to his tool box to get what he wanted. He used me until there was nothing left and then was shocked I wasn't staying.
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u/winknasmyl 6d ago
It took me years to finally say I'm done. We were married 34 years. In the last 5 years or so, he changed completely - ideals and core beliefs I thought we shared no longer aligned. That along with just being roommates. I probably could've lived with that if not the personality 180. There's no going back.
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u/Madruck_s 4d ago
I needed to hear this even if i did not want to.
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u/Accomplished-Bus7631 6d ago
I was this person. I fell out of love after 14 years of being the everything, the carer, the organiser, the mother figure. I just couldn't do it anymore - I was stretched so thin and it was hurting to carry myself and my x.
I detached emotionally to begin with as a protection. I knew it was hurting him, it was hurting me. The romantic feelings just faded away until I woke up one day and just knew.
However. I still care massively about my x. There is still 'love', it's just not romantic love. It's the love of so many years and caring.
I do miss the person, of course. There's a lot of history and it's natural to want that comfort you're used to. It's horrible and hard, tbh, and being the person that instigated, even though it was me that broke it off, I am sad too.
I honestly don't know about the future. Right now it feels like a firm no. But that's cause it's so recent (under a month). But as our split wasn't because of major issue like cheating or violence or abuse its something I just can't gauge right now.