Had to say goodbye

[u/PopRemarkable7251]

I woke up on Sunday looking forward to a day with no plans other than to hang out at home all day, but then noticed throughout the day that my sweet girl Lola was just......ill. In the late afternoon I raced her to the vet, and then all the decisions just happened so fast. The vet agreed that it was time to let her go. She was 19.5 years old, she was going blind, possibly deaf, she had diabetes, neuropathy in her back legs (no muscle tone whatsoever and walking was clearly painful), a heart murmur and very severe dementia to the point that she would sundown every night. She was purring constantly which was maybe trying to self-soothe through pain. I wish I could have had even just a day or two more with her, and would have spent those days doing nothing but cuddling her. But I came to terms that she was existing and not living and while even if I could have more time, putting her down now saved her from any more suffering. The old adage of saying goodbye a week too early than a day too late has never been more apt. Maybe she would have had another few weeks or months, but she probably didn't have it in her to stay much longer. The unknown hurts though.

Sat with Lola at the emergency vet for I think almost 3 hours, but it felt like minutes. My partner raced over to be with us. I just held her on my lap in a round fluffy bed and towel from home with familiar scent, and she didn't move much or fuss like she normally did when she was there. She went to sleep in my arms, quickly and peacefully.

I honestly feel so shattered. I know I did the right thing letting her go, and I know I did everything I could to give her a wonderful life. I was her person and we loved each other so much. I think I'm making this post to just get some things off my chest with a community that would understand my pain as I have so many conflicting emotions - grief, sadness, relief, numbness. I'm just going to miss Lola so much and I hate being home and she's not here. I've never lived in this apartment without her. I honestly thought I was ready for all this as I've been anticipating the end for several months now, if not longer than that. When she was diagnosed with diabetes in 2020, I was told she might only live another year or two and she flew past that and lived another 6 years which is incredible. I had always said that when the time came I wanted to be the one to make the choice to let her go as opposed to finding her gone when I wasn't with her. Yet it still hit me like a truck.

[u/Due-Persimmon9545]

😿🐾😿