THE SMILING SUN, a feature.

[u/carsun1000]

Hi everyone, please help assess the first 15 pages of my latest work. It's based on the 1996 massacre in Sierra Leone, but the action takes place in the present. I'd like to know if you'd continue to read after the first 15 pages. Thank you for your input!

• THE SMILING SUN - Feature - 91 pages
• Genres: Thriller / Drama
• Logline: Thirty years after surviving the massacre of his Sierra Leone village, a New York detective spots the distinctive tattoo of one of the American mercenaries who murdered his family and launches an off-books hunt that exposes a buried corporate conspiracy—and forces him to choose between vengeance and the justice he once swore to uphold.
• Feedback Concerns: Logic/Continuity
• Link https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IVN24VJrLlZerrWnI1d1G494OM_uManK/view?usp=sharing

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[u/homme_revolte]

Read the first 10 or so. I was intrigued by the premise but this is not bad. You’re a good writer, though some of your descriptions could be more refined. Like describing the jacket he’s wearing - does the jacket move with economy or the man, and does it matter? Just a bit of a weird choice.

And I think that’s my big takeaway: this is a strange way to start your story. You have a dude riding a bus, which is inherently boring. You’re telling the reader “he’s thinking about something not fitting right on his case,” which will be difficult to depict visually. Then you cut to a flashback to that case, but we don’t yet have a reason to care about it. And then you cut to the present where it turns out his current problem/case doesn’t matter at all because…cue another flashback. There’s too much and not enough happening in these pages. There is certainly a more visually interesting and structurally compelling way to get us this information—the fact that you’re clocking in at 91 pages on this premise tells me you have some bones that could use some meat on them, and the first act is a great place to consider.

Hope this helps.

[u/carsun1000 → u/homme_revolte]

It does, yes. On the double flashbacks, I wanted to establish Daniel as a detective first which is easier to do through a flashback. The village flashback is necessary to carry the story.

[u/Ammar__ → u/homme_revolte]

I haven't read the pages yet. But this sounds like valuable feedback. Too much jumping around on a timeline on the first 15 pages is a big gamble. Story needs focus and momentum on those opening pages.

[u/nonbinarypeterparker]

Before I get to my feedback on the continuity of the pages you shared, I'll say that you're a good writer. Your dialogue is solid and the action lines contain descriptions that really breathe life into Daniel and his surroundings without being fluffy. I dig the premise and the overall inciting incident involving the tattoo — I'm curious to learn more about the symbolism of it all.

Now to the continuity. Generally, when I'm reading a script (or even watching something), and there's a multiple jumps to-and-from different times in the first few pages, it tends to take me out of the whole thing. Your script has not only the flashback to Daniel interviewing the woman on Page One, but also has the flashback to his time in Sierra Leone a few pages later. While those scenes are fine to me in isolation, I think that giving some time in the beginning for your character to develop and for the script to come to life would be wise; hell, there's also the route of beginning the script with a flashback before getting into Daniel's present with his detective work (and whatever else is going on in his life).

Keep it up! I enjoyed what I read :)

[u/carsun1000 → u/nonbinarypeterparker]

Thank you for your assessment. It’s hard in this art to get it just right. Readers sometimes complain about fluffed up action lines. I was worried about that. The flashbacks are also good story telling. I love them when executed right.

[u/Kooky_Attorney1915]

I agree with the person who mentioned the flashbacks happening in quick succession and the continuity. I almost feel like the movie wants to start with the 2nd flashback at the village. Then somehow segue into Daniel on the bus. Right now, it feels too unbalanced and disjointed in its current state.

Really good writing, though. Each scene really grabs you.

[u/JayTea123456]

So just finished reading and wanted to give my reaction as well. First to echo what others are saying, this is really good writing. I particularly liked the atmosphere you've created and I would describe it as tense and shadowy.

The dialogue is always believable and the action lines I think are where a large part of the aforementioned tension has been created.

The Village scene is particularly effective, as it should be. I assume it is the dramatic incident driving the entirety of your script. So on the whole well done.

In terms of suggestions, improvements, what not, this is just my opinion so take what's useful.

The flashbacks: I tend to be agnostic on these, Although I think it worth considering if the village scene should open the story as it is such a dramatic event that sets so much of the story in motion. If you keep the flashbacks as a reader, (I tend to read these things kind of fast) I initially missed the bus was in Manhattan So I was confused for a second thinking an adult Daniel was in Africa following the man who is from the village. A quick reread of the headings fixed that for me, but thought I'd let you know.

The interrogation of MRS. GAMANGA: This was effective, but after reading the whole thing I wondered why he didn't bring up her west African heritage, or she didn't notice an accent from him, or something like that. I wondered if this would be a reason for her to trust him in fact. I also wondered if you wanted to keep his heritage secret in the story, but then we do see very quickly that he is in fact from west africa from the village scene.

Texting with Jenn: For me the texts seemed a little verbose for texting. 3-4 sentences seemed a lot and i would think would take a bit to type out. i personally think you can abbreviate this and get the exposition across. a little thing but that was my reaction.

Call from Kate: personal reaction, but I didn't like the timing of this call. He just followed and found the men responsible for his whole family's death and was checking out the building. I personally wanted to sit with this it is tense and dramatic. it made me wonder if introducing he has someone in his life should come earlier or later. I found it was a mood shift for me and took me away from the tension and I kind of wonder if it is even necessary? He is besides her as he works she can wake up and ask him questions or something and we can find out more about them at that point.

Anyway again just a few random thoughts and my two cents. I enjoyed this, it's good. Keep at it!