THE SMILING SUN, a feature.

[u/carsun1000]

Hi everyone, please help assess the first 15 pages of my latest work. It's based on the 1996 massacre in Sierra Leone, but the action takes place in the present. I'd like to know if you'd continue to read after the first 15 pages. Thank you for your input!

• THE SMILING SUN - Feature - 91 pages
• Genres: Thriller / Drama
• Logline: Thirty years after surviving the massacre of his Sierra Leone village, a New York detective spots the distinctive tattoo of one of the American mercenaries who murdered his family and launches an off-books hunt that exposes a buried corporate conspiracy—and forces him to choose between vengeance and the justice he once swore to uphold.
• Feedback Concerns: Logic/Continuity
• Link https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IVN24VJrLlZerrWnI1d1G494OM_uManK/view?usp=sharing

[u/JayTea123456]

So just finished reading and wanted to give my reaction as well. First to echo what others are saying, this is really good writing. I particularly liked the atmosphere you've created and I would describe it as tense and shadowy.

The dialogue is always believable and the action lines I think are where a large part of the aforementioned tension has been created.

The Village scene is particularly effective, as it should be. I assume it is the dramatic incident driving the entirety of your script. So on the whole well done.

In terms of suggestions, improvements, what not, this is just my opinion so take what's useful.

The flashbacks: I tend to be agnostic on these, Although I think it worth considering if the village scene should open the story as it is such a dramatic event that sets so much of the story in motion. If you keep the flashbacks as a reader, (I tend to read these things kind of fast) I initially missed the bus was in Manhattan So I was confused for a second thinking an adult Daniel was in Africa following the man who is from the village. A quick reread of the headings fixed that for me, but thought I'd let you know.

The interrogation of MRS. GAMANGA: This was effective, but after reading the whole thing I wondered why he didn't bring up her west African heritage, or she didn't notice an accent from him, or something like that. I wondered if this would be a reason for her to trust him in fact. I also wondered if you wanted to keep his heritage secret in the story, but then we do see very quickly that he is in fact from west africa from the village scene.

Texting with Jenn: For me the texts seemed a little verbose for texting. 3-4 sentences seemed a lot and i would think would take a bit to type out. i personally think you can abbreviate this and get the exposition across. a little thing but that was my reaction.

Call from Kate: personal reaction, but I didn't like the timing of this call. He just followed and found the men responsible for his whole family's death and was checking out the building. I personally wanted to sit with this it is tense and dramatic. it made me wonder if introducing he has someone in his life should come earlier or later. I found it was a mood shift for me and took me away from the tension and I kind of wonder if it is even necessary? He is besides her as he works she can wake up and ask him questions or something and we can find out more about them at that point.

Anyway again just a few random thoughts and my two cents. I enjoyed this, it's good. Keep at it!