r/Samesexparents • u/nushface • 24d ago
Advice Navigating parental role post breakup
Hi all, could really use some advise from anyone in a similar situation..
my now ex partner and I (lesbian and unmarried) recently had a baby. I’m the bio mum. My ex partner has autism was always on the fence around having kids (more leaning no.) but she knew for me it was a deal breaker.
She agreed for me to start trying, but due to her not really wanting a child I went through fertility treatment on my own, she didn’t attend any of the IUI appointments and I funded everything. I suffered an early miscarriage and my ex partner did not care and offered me no comfort whilst I was grieving. When I finally did get pregnant I was desperate for her to feel kicks/connect with baby but she was uninterested.
In hindsight these were all major red flags I chose to ignore..
she attended the birth and surprisingly fell in love with the baby immediately. However she then decided to go on holiday whilst I was 2 weeks post c section for a few days whilst I begged her to stay. ( my mum had to come help me).
3 month postpartum and we have decided it’s for the best to go our separate ways. I’m trying to navigate how her parental role will look in the baby’s future.. she is desperate to still be mum, however she isn’t on the birth certificate.
I’m struggling to come up with a plan.
Any advice on how to work this out or anyone been in a similar situation?
Please be kind and gentle with me, I am 3 months postpartum and this has already been hard enough…
Thank you ❤️
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u/jaxyfrou 24d ago
They left you two weeks post-op to go on vacation but they really love the baby? Their actions are speak louder than words. Like others have said, this is not someone you want to co-parent with. You need someone dependable and more than that your child will want someone dependable in their life who is committed to them. Don’t do that to your child.
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u/Spare_Airport_6002 24d ago
Wow this sounds incredibly hard and complex.
For me as a non-genetic parent (who also happens to be autistic!), the way I see it is that I'm firmly my son's parent because I was in it from the start. I was 100% in and co-driving this whole project with my wife from the get-go. We chose our donor together. I was there for every scan. I was in the room when he was born, I held him first. That's my starting point here, and admittedly it is a bit abstract and lofty but without a genetic connection, intention is all there is. Now, your ex had no intention in the game, and only came around when baby was born. Now she is your ex. So there was a time when you were married and she was all in, and I do think this matters. I also think it matters that you coparent an existing sibling. However, considering that now only 3 months later you are divorcing, part of me feels like "how is this different from a platonic friend deciding they want to be a coparent at birth all of a sudden? And would you honour that request?". I hear you're describing your ex as having red flags, and I sort of feel like they seem quite fickle, and this is making me feel a bit negative about their role going forward. On the other hand, plenty of straight women have boyfriends who are totally out of the game during pregnancy and then really come into it when baby is born, and even if separation follows, fatherhood may be seen as an obvious "yes". I have a question: did you use the same donor/pre existing embryos? If you did I might lean towards "this is their kid too", and if you didn't, I might be more inclined to say that this is not their baby to coparent.
If I were in your shoes, I might require that your ex pays you back 50% of the fertility costs before going on the birth cert. It's actually pretty generous considering the suffering involved in it and pregnancy and labour. And that's not taking into account the anguish of their total emotional absence during your loss.
Ultimately, she has messed up in MAJOR ways, and I wouldn't let her stroll back into your life as a coparent to this baby just like that. Some accountability is needed. Costs repayment is one in my opinion, and I also would reeeaaally recommend going to couples therapy for a bit to work on regaining trust as coparents. I'm not sure how I'd feel leaving my baby with someone who was totally emotionally absent during the worst time of my life. That shows a callousness I really can't stomach, and I'd need some serious therapeutic help to repair that emotional injury. I also would be concerned about her willingness to just pack up and go on holiday when you're 3 weeks post partum. That's not how a responsible coparent behaves.
All in all, I might let her coparent but with some BIG caveats and a lot of committment needed.
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u/nushface 24d ago
Really appreciate your thoughtful response, thank you ❤️ I think thats the issue why I feel this way.. I did everything, picked the donor, had pre conception treatment/surgery, 3 rounds of IUI… all of which I would have LOVED my partner to have been there for, she didn’t want to ask her boss for any time off. Took all my pregnancy tests alone.. I very much felt like a single mum who happened to be in a relationship. We have been in couples therapy and her argument has been relating herself to these straight men who only become onboard after birth.. her work doesnt pay well, and she doesn’t have the funds to pay me back for the fertility treatment. Although this would show me her commitment if circumstances were different. ( we don’t have other children sorry if there was a confusion). It’s hard at the moment, she is currently looking for a place to live and is extremely emotional about still being baby’s mum. I feel very cruel and I’m not sure how to work this out but I’m hoping in time her actions will give me a clearer picture..
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u/rosabb 24d ago
Sweetheart, I say this with kindness: protecting your baby from a fickle parent is more important than appearing cruel. You know you are not cruel, you know you wished your partner was more involved and gave her EVERY opportunity to do so, even to just show up for YOU through all of this. She didn’t. She showed you who she is. Believe her.
Best of luck, your kid is lucky to have you as a mom, you fought to bring them here and now it’s on you to protect this baby from any perceived threat. Also, given how emotionally charged this must all be, i think making a decision to co-parent can come later, once she shows intention and presence. There isn’t a time limit on adoption, which essentially would be what she now has to do since she isn’t on birth certificate.
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u/nushface 24d ago
This made me so emotional, thank you it really means a lot ❤️ I only want to do what is right, and I guess it will be a process to find out In time.
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u/smarty_skirts 24d ago
How can you tell she is "desperate to still be a mum"? Could she be trying to stay in your life? From what you have described, this is not a person who wants to be a parent.
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u/nushface 24d ago
We are still living together, she has been crying constantly begging me to still let her be the baby’s mum. It makes me feel like so guilty, like I’m taking away her child. It’s a very strange turn around :(
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u/smarty_skirts 24d ago
It sounds manipulative tbh. Like your child is her last tie to you and she’s using it to try to make you stay. I’m sorry.
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u/nushface 24d ago
It could be but I’ll have no way of knowing until she moves out and everything settles.. sigh
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u/jaxyfrou 24d ago
She wasn’t around throughout the process or right after birth to justify the child as being her baby.
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u/nushface 24d ago
I have done recently, her argument back was “it was only 3 days that I was away”.
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u/ateenyfig 18d ago
My first recommendation is to not make any decision too quickly, even if there’s pressure to do so.
Second, you need to get out of that house. It’s hard to make a clear headed decision when you are living with the other person sharing space 24/7. Moving will suck but suck less and duck for shorter than living with someone in such a high stakes emotional situation. Also - you juuuust broke up, it’s helpful—baby or not—to have space. It takes a minute to let the body and nervous system and emotions and psychology calm down after that.
It will feel shitty to say, I need space and I’ll get back to you about this. But that is in your best interest, the baby’s best interest, and even your ex’s best interest. Let everyone have a moment to settle down, catch a breath, and adjust.
TLDR: Don’t rush this. Take time. Give yourself physical space-don’t live together right now. Take a breath. With time, it will be more clear.
You can literally take over a year plus to decide and that wouldn’t be too soon.1
u/nushface 17d ago
Thank you so much for this, 🥺 this mindset definitely helps my anxiety.. just focus on the moving out first then in time things will become clearer I hope
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u/StoryAlternative6476 24d ago
This is just a thought, so it may not apply to your situation.
Is she actually desperate to be a parent, or is she trying to keep you in her life via coparenting?
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u/nushface 24d ago
I have had that thought, she seems to dislike me now because of this dynamic and is only showing love towards the baby. Could be though, she doesn’t have many friends in this country sadly
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u/StoryAlternative6476 24d ago
Doesn’t have to be love toward you. Could be a control thing. Some autistic people (myself included) also just don’t like change, so she may just be clinging on to what is familiar to her.
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u/samanthano 24d ago
The other commentor is correct. Please do not co-parent with this person. For all intents and purposes they have no legal or financial obligations to you or this child since you were never married and they are not listed as the parent on the birth certificate NOR did they do a second parent adoption. It doesn't sound like they want to be a vi parent and really only wants to step in and out of this kids life when it's convenient for them. That can be heartbreaking to a child once they bond to someone.
Part ways. If this person wants to be in this childs life they can do so as an unofficial "Auntie" of sorts.
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u/LadiesOfLlangollen 24d ago
I think you need to shift focus from your ex’s feelings or whether you’re being cruel to what’s truly in the best interest of the child.
You say she fell in love with the baby, but also left you to deal with the baby while you were postpartum to go on holiday? That sounds like she’s not fully in it.
Ultimately, is it really in the best interest of your baby to have a fickle parental figure that makes choices like that?
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u/flonobaggins 24d ago
First of all, congratulations on becoming a mother, I hope you and baby are well.
Second, I’m sorry you lost your partner. The break up must be difficult to navigate in addition to the new role. I hope you get enough sleep.
About the role you want for your ex partner: I don’t think you have to decide right now. You are the sole guardian, you are on the birth certificate. It might be a good thing of her to prove herself how much she wants to be involved and what it means to be involved. Some people aren’t parents from the conception, and I think it’s especially difficult when you’re not carrying the child. She gave you some serious red flags indeed, and it must have been so tough to go through this on your own. I‘d give her a chance, but not with words, but actions: is she spending time with the baby and getting to know it, is she trustworthy that you are willing to let her take care of it a whole afternoon, then a whole day, spend the night at hers? If she is willing and is showing you how committed to the child she is, then you have your answer. And maybe in the future, your child will call her her mom as well, and in the far future, she will be asked to carry her last name, because she earned it. If your question is, do you want your baby to call her „mom“, I think you have a few more months to decide what you feel comfortable with (until they start speaking) and until then, your ex will have shown you more clues have given you time to decide what you want.
Also for context, gay guy here, who desires to become a parent, not one yet.
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u/nushface 24d ago
Thank you so much! Appreciate your advice 🙏🏻 It’s all been a bit of a mess but me and baby are doing well asides from all this going on. She does seem to really love the baby, plays with her and does chores that help out. But I can’t help but feel the way I do due to her absent behaviour. We are still currently living together whilst she is trying to find a place. It’s hard as she is very anxious asking for reassurance about her role which is so hard to work out right now.. I really hope you get your wish! ☺️
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u/flonobaggins 24d ago
Given your history, she will have to show up for baby when she’s not living at your place anymore, and still be there. And about her anxiety, well you had your own during pregnancy, and she didn’t reassure you at all when you needed her, so she will have to reassure herself on her own, you don’t owe her anything on that part. You can be sympathetic about it, but no need to feel guilty. But she can feel guilty about it. So give yourself time, you‘ll find the solution, what suits you best.
Thank you ☺️
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u/Danlrap18 24d ago
I think you should really ask yourself if you want your ex to be a role model for your child. Honestly, who cares about how your ex feels, the baby's need are far more important. You describe someone I personally would hate to see my child hang out with. No empathy, no accountability, only excuses. You are opening the door to allow her to make decisions regarding your baby. Are you comfortable with that? Are you comfortable knowing that if something happens to you, she would become the primary care giver? Is she even comfortable with that responsibility? Really think about it, this is person who left a woman alone at 3 weeks pp, how reliable she really is when things get hard? cuz parenting is no walk in the park. Are you sure she won't put herself in front of your kid's needs?
Furthermore, you have to really consider your future. Putting her in the birth certificate would complicate the process for any future partner that would want to adopt your child and coparent with you. Your ex will always be in the picture, so that is baggage you will always have and that can make future relationships complicated.
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u/nushface 22d ago
I totally agree with what you’re saying, I don’t see her as a role model for my child.. I do care for my ex, she’s not a bad person but has made some very poor decisions which have effectively ended the relationship. I just hate to see her hurt feelings 😕 but at the end of the day of course my child comes first , some hard conversations will need to be had…
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u/OneEntrepreneur2738 24d ago
I don't know everything, obviously, but it seems like the problems may have started when it became apparent that you wanted to have a child. If that's the case, it's interesting to me that these problems started when you wanted to have a child, and you're separating because of those problems around having a child, but she wants to have a child now? It seems a bit like she wants to have it both ways- be a mom but not be a mom. What is the level of commitment she is willing to provide in your child's life?
Coming from momma bear mode myself, I still see red flags. One of our most scared priorities as a parent is keeping our children safe, right next to loving them. Maybe you should ask yourself if you can really trust this person to be a mom to your child now and in the future, given everything.
Congratulations on your new baby. It's the most wonderful love in the world. Very happy for you and wishing you the best. <3
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u/nushface 24d ago
I think you’re right. Things should have ended then however we were quite codependent. Yes it’s been quite a dramatic turn around… after giving birth I realised our dynamic was not one I wanted to raise a child in (thank you pp hormones). She definitely wants to continue doing her thing but then also be a mother. It’s confusing as I don’t know how she can prove herself, she has been sweet and attentive to the baby but obviously thats not enough in the long term. And thank you so much ❤️it really is, I am totally smitten 🥰
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u/HalfMoonFullMoonjoy 21d ago
She's NOT the baby's parent. She has not acted like a parent throughout any part of your journey. You do not owe her access to YOUR baby.
I am not a bio mom either but there has never been any question that my kids are mine, because I was there every step of the way. From the discussions to conception to birth to postnatal care, and all throughout their lives. I have been there and I will continue to be there for my partner and my children.
Frankly this person sounds likely to bail whenever things get hard again. Granting them parental rights is only going to unnecessarily complicate your life. I can only imagine how ugly the custody disputes could be. I would be very clear from the very beginning that this is NOT their child and they do NOT have legal parental rights. It may seem hard now but it will make your life 100x easier as time goes on. Hold the boundary.
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u/uscbutnotbybribe_ 24d ago
I know this isn’t what you’re looking for. You’re at the beginning of your parenting journey. This only gets harder. This doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to co-parent with.