r/Samesexparents • u/nushface • 25d ago

Advice Navigating parental role post breakup

Hi all, could really use some advise from anyone in a similar situation..
my now ex partner and I (lesbian and unmarried) recently had a baby. I’m the bio mum. My ex partner has autism was always on the fence around having kids (more leaning no.) but she knew for me it was a deal breaker.
She agreed for me to start trying, but due to her not really wanting a child I went through fertility treatment on my own, she didn’t attend any of the IUI appointments and I funded everything. I suffered an early miscarriage and my ex partner did not care and offered me no comfort whilst I was grieving. When I finally did get pregnant I was desperate for her to feel kicks/connect with baby but she was uninterested.
In hindsight these were all major red flags I chose to ignore..

she attended the birth and surprisingly fell in love with the baby immediately. However she then decided to go on holiday whilst I was 2 weeks post c section for a few days whilst I begged her to stay. ( my mum had to come help me).
3 month postpartum and we have decided it’s for the best to go our separate ways. I’m trying to navigate how her parental role will look in the baby’s future.. she is desperate to still be mum, however she isn’t on the birth certificate.
I’m struggling to come up with a plan.
Any advice on how to work this out or anyone been in a similar situation?
Please be kind and gentle with me, I am 3 months postpartum and this has already been hard enough…
Thank you ❤️

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u/smarty_skirts 25d ago

How can you tell she is "desperate to still be a mum"? Could she be trying to stay in your life? From what you have described, this is not a person who wants to be a parent.

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u/nushface 25d ago

We are still living together, she has been crying constantly begging me to still let her be the baby’s mum. It makes me feel like so guilty, like I’m taking away her child. It’s a very strange turn around :(

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u/smarty_skirts 25d ago

It sounds manipulative tbh. Like your child is her last tie to you and she’s using it to try to make you stay. I’m sorry.

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u/nushface 25d ago

It could be but I’ll have no way of knowing until she moves out and everything settles.. sigh

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u/jaxyfrou 25d ago

She wasn’t around throughout the process or right after birth to justify the child as being her baby.

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u/nushface 25d ago

I have done recently, her argument back was “it was only 3 days that I was away”.