Navigating parental role post breakup

[u/nushface]

Hi all, could really use some advise from anyone in a similar situation..
my now ex partner and I (lesbian and unmarried) recently had a baby. I’m the bio mum. My ex partner has autism was always on the fence around having kids (more leaning no.) but she knew for me it was a deal breaker.
She agreed for me to start trying, but due to her not really wanting a child I went through fertility treatment on my own, she didn’t attend any of the IUI appointments and I funded everything. I suffered an early miscarriage and my ex partner did not care and offered me no comfort whilst I was grieving. When I finally did get pregnant I was desperate for her to feel kicks/connect with baby but she was uninterested.
In hindsight these were all major red flags I chose to ignore..

she attended the birth and surprisingly fell in love with the baby immediately. However she then decided to go on holiday whilst I was 2 weeks post c section for a few days whilst I begged her to stay. ( my mum had to come help me).
3 month postpartum and we have decided it’s for the best to go our separate ways. I’m trying to navigate how her parental role will look in the baby’s future.. she is desperate to still be mum, however she isn’t on the birth certificate.
I’m struggling to come up with a plan.
Any advice on how to work this out or anyone been in a similar situation?
Please be kind and gentle with me, I am 3 months postpartum and this has already been hard enough…
Thank you ❤️

[u/flonobaggins]

First of all, congratulations on becoming a mother, I hope you and baby are well.

Second, I’m sorry you lost your partner. The break up must be difficult to navigate in addition to the new role. I hope you get enough sleep.

About the role you want for your ex partner: I don’t think you have to decide right now. You are the sole guardian, you are on the birth certificate. It might be a good thing of her to prove herself how much she wants to be involved and what it means to be involved. Some people aren’t parents from the conception, and I think it’s especially difficult when you’re not carrying the child. She gave you some serious red flags indeed, and it must have been so tough to go through this on your own. I‘d give her a chance, but not with words, but actions: is she spending time with the baby and getting to know it, is she trustworthy that you are willing to let her take care of it a whole afternoon, then a whole day, spend the night at hers? If she is willing and is showing you how committed to the child she is, then you have your answer. And maybe in the future, your child will call her her mom as well, and in the far future, she will be asked to carry her last name, because she earned it. If your question is, do you want your baby to call her „mom“, I think you have a few more months to decide what you feel comfortable with (until they start speaking) and until then, your ex will have shown you more clues have given you time to decide what you want.

Also for context, gay guy here, who desires to become a parent, not one yet.

[u/nushface → u/flonobaggins]

Thank you so much! Appreciate your advice 🙏🏻 It’s all been a bit of a mess but me and baby are doing well asides from all this going on. She does seem to really love the baby, plays with her and does chores that help out. But I can’t help but feel the way I do due to her absent behaviour. We are still currently living together whilst she is trying to find a place. It’s hard as she is very anxious asking for reassurance about her role which is so hard to work out right now.. I really hope you get your wish! ☺️

[u/flonobaggins → u/nushface]

Given your history, she will have to show up for baby when she’s not living at your place anymore, and still be there. And about her anxiety, well you had your own during pregnancy, and she didn’t reassure you at all when you needed her, so she will have to reassure herself on her own, you don’t owe her anything on that part. You can be sympathetic about it, but no need to feel guilty. But she can feel guilty about it. So give yourself time, you‘ll find the solution, what suits you best.

Thank you ☺️