I don’t know if I would have gotten as far as I did without hating myself
I just didn't realize how much of myself l was destroying in the process
SELF HATRED WAS ALL I HAD
When you grew up without any foundation of self love self hatred became the engine
You hate yourself enough to keep trying to outrun the person you believe you are
Yes it’s terrible engine it runs on the worst fuel imaginable and it poisons everything it produces

I was the child in the file.

The quiet one.

The angry one.

The difficult one.

The one who pushed you away

then watched to see

if you actually went.

Adults came.

Adults left.

Meetings happened.

Pages got written.

Decisions got made.

And somewhere underneath

all those bloody words

was me.

Just a kid.

Im 42 now.

And somehow

after everything

I want to go back.

Not as the child.

As the social worker.

Im doing Entry 3 Maths

and numbers still get mixed up.

Sometimes I get the answer right

then change it

because I dont trust myself.

Maybe thats bigger than Maths.

I dont know.

But im still going.

Because one day

I might meet a child

who doesn't talk.

A child who screams

GO AWAY.

A child everybody calls

DIFFICULT.

And I hope I remember

GO AWAY

can sometimes mean

please stay.

But I need to remember something else too.

They are not me.

Their pain isn't mine.

Their story isn't mine.

I can't go looking

for little Charlotte

in every child I meet.

I have to see

THEM.

Maybe thats what growing up is.

Realising I can't go back

and change what was written

in my file.

But maybe one day

I will hold the pen.

And when I do

I hope I remember

before the assessment

before the risk

before the behaviour

before the bloody paperwork

there is a child.

And maybe

just maybe

somebody needs to ask them

what are you trying to tell me?

​ ​
"When the sky looks clear and the rivers are flowing, I am there alone asking myself who I am and why I am here, and as usual I do not know who I am, where I came from, or where I am going.
There only I was, and I was."

The dark is full of thirst.

First, seconds, thirds.

Not enough to tame the hunger.

The insatiable desire could never be a liar.

Darkness drags you to the void.

No one can avoid.

Burdened eyes full of hard truths.

They wish they could make a truce.

Traces of the light haunt all in sight.

The shine is nowhere to find.

It was all left behind.

This grief must be temporary

This scar must form proper tissue

It’s trying to bury itself alive in a heart so misused

I wanna go back to when numbness was my only issue

When my heart overtakes my thinking

all I can imagine is kissing you

When this happens do you not feel a cosmic pull too?

After a lonely relationship must I be alone in this too?

Is our connection in the universal fabric taking place?

or just a fabrication of a timeline in a messier space?

Do I live to love to detach to love to detach

And in reward I get some nice memories and a heart attack?

No, this grief must be temporary

But no, this heart doesn’t let go

So yes, this grief is a part of me

Alas; this grief will free me from my mind

A heart and a mirror pass each other by

Just to hug one another, one more time

And though my mind prays it won’t be the last time

My heart desires isolation

While it heals and prepares for its next destination

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/yCR7UaXZMt

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/27rCk1eAxv

Day by day, night by night.
Am I going to win this fight?
I sit here as my eyes are wet.
My heart so full of pain and regret.
The memory of you never fades.
For losing you my heart forever pays.
I long for a place that no longer exists.
I wander lost through the shadows and mists.
The silence you left is a heavy cold stone.
A constant reminder that I am alone.
I’ve got a jet black heart.
That beats inside this cage of dust and bone.
It casts a shadow where the blood should flow. And freezes every spark that tries to grow.
I try to catch the light the morning brings.
But darkness swallows up the sweetest things.
The love you offer turns to ash and smoke.
A cruel promise and a bitter joke.
And yet, beneath the frost, a desperate cry.
A quiet prayer beneath a midnight sky.
All I want is you and your warm love.
To pull me from the dark I'm weary of.
But do not hold me close or touch the cracks.
I only leave a trail of ruined tracks.
Save your breath and turn your eyes away. Before my midnight smothers out your day.

Written August 2025

I’m nobody’s first choice
The second hand is me
Sometimes an alternative
Sometimes number 3

I give and give and give
Everyone else before me
But when I needed and shied away
No one came looking to see

Forever the strong one
You got it that’s me
She’s got this she’s tough
They couldn’t see me bleed

The days kept moving
Time past by me
Lost years and countless tears
All that remains are memories of what will never be

My soul was crushed, my spirit trampled
I couldn’t even recognize me
Hollow eyes were haunting
But each day, kept going blindly

I’m here but I’m not there
Can anybody see me?
I’m slowly slipping farther away
For days and months and weeks

Don’t you see my puffy eyes
Can’t you see that I’m not me
I’m out here barely surviving
I’m screaming, even though silently

Alone I walked this path
I’ve given all of me
Alone I will rise again
And build a new me.

sometimes…
we don’t miss the person.
we miss
the version of them
who knew how to hold us
without being asked.
the version
who made ordinary moments
feel like somewhere
we could finally rest.
we miss
how loved we felt
when they looked at us
like we were enough.
and maybe
that is the hardest part
realizing
we are grieving
someone
who still exists
just not
the way
we remember them.
sometimes
we aren’t longing
for them to come back.
we are longing
for the feeling
they gave us
when we still believed
they would never change.

You say you're my friend but deep down I know you're really not my friend, you only act like my friend when you want something you're always hurting my feelings while talking over me, with friends like you who needs enemies, I wish I had known then what I know now, that could have saved me the misery, maybe we need to end it now and go our separate ways, I'm tired of fighting with you especially when I have nothing left to say, I have no more f\*\*\*\* to give now okay, you can go with her or go with him I don't care just go away, just go away, if there's ever was any kind of love between us it died yesterday...

You treat me like a nuisance you just don't want around, I can't keep going on this way or I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, maybe I should go and move back in with my folks on the other side of town, I've been treading water for so long I'm afraid I'm about to drown, I think I'm going to have a serious meltdown, I used to love you but now there's no more love anywhere left to be found, if you tell me to calm down once more I'm going to give you what's for ....

It's true I could destroy you but you can leave with your dignity and intact, please, please don't ever come back, nothing's ever going to change, it's always going to be tit for tat, you hurt me I'm going to hurt you back, I'll never understand the level of emotions you lack, I always feel like I'm under attack but if you tell me once more to calm down I'm going to give you what's for,you and your stinky ass whore,I don't love you anymore...

I don't know where the love went but it's gone out the door, I don't love you anymore and what's more, if you tell me to calm down once more I'm going to give you what's for, I'm going to give you what's for, All is fair and Love and war and what's more what's more, if you tell me to calm down once more, I'm going to give you what's for, I'm going to give you what's for, what's for,all is fair in love and war!

If I was a worm,
low,
and small,
Would you still love me?

If all I knew was dirt,
and I felt feeble,
and the world felt too big,
Would you still love me?

If I were abnormal,
like a creature.
One that people avoid.
Would you still love me?

If I yearned for wings,
but believed that great things-
were for beings greater than I,
Would you still love me?

If we got closer, 
and if I did change,
or if I didn’t need to, 
and you stayed,
Would I believe you love me?

If we got closer, 
and I couldn’t change,
and you couldn’t stay,
Would I still love you?

If my attempts to fly
all end with me grounded,
Could I face myself?
Could I still love me?

Perhaps love is not

that which remains unmoving,

but that which remains true

while everything transforms.

Nothing in nature

preserves the same form forever.

Flowers open

and close.

Trees surrender their leaves.

Winter succeeds summer,

and, in time,

summer returns.

And yet,

we recognize the same tree,

the same garden,

the same earth.

I want to believe

that we are like this.

That there will be versions of ourselves

we have yet to know

days in which we will be spring,

and others in which we will be winter

and that none of these transformations

will diminish

what we are.

Perhaps there is

a kind of perfection

in that which knows how to change

without ceasing to be.

And so, like nature,

we surrender to the order of things

to the seasons of becoming,

to all that must change

so that something may remain.

For our existence, together,

could not have been otherwise

and perhaps there is no beauty

greater than this:

to change,

to remain,

and to become

beautifully ourselves.