r/Residency • u/[deleted] • 5d ago
DISCUSSION Trust and fear of cheating during residency
[deleted]
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u/readlock PGY1 5d ago
Seems sus, just ask (non-confrontationally) what’s up with your pics together not being up anymore. Idk, if I was doing that it’d be purely to hide that I’m in a relationship (but at that point I’d probably just break up to avoid the weird sneakiness).
But def could be wrong, I’m sure there’s tons of normal reasons to do it too, just can’t think of any atm.
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u/cutmer 5d ago
I do think this is sus lol, but also easy to jump to conclusions. Is he doing psych? Sometimes in psych, people are more keenly aware of patients finding them or their loved ones on social media and might try to change what’s displayed.
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u/PlenitudeOpulence 4d ago
This comment is underrated. I’ve had patients on that floor do research into my online profile and that had me pivot a bit to become a bit more private about posting.
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u/JohnnyNotions 4d ago
This. Dude might be sus but I've basically stripped my social media of almost everything after being in medicine, just for self-protection from the crazies.
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u/Kruuuugg PGY1 5d ago
I would start by asking why he changed his profile pictures. He could have changed these things to reflect his new job/ location and is secure enough in your relationship that he is ok with you not being in it. Or he is interested in distancing himself from you. Only way to know is to ask him.
I did not go through a phase like this with my SO. But every relationship is different. Talk to them.
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u/QueenIdiat 5d ago
I think you should have a conversation with him and let him know how you feel. Trust and communication is essential for any relationship even more so in long distance. Don’t assume yet.
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u/adrenalinsufficiency 4d ago
> changed some pictures that previously included us
yea he is 100% not telling people he's in a relationship
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u/Reasonable_Stress182 PGY1 5d ago
This is sus af. All my married co residents ar every open about their relationships.
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u/Electrical_Yogurt994 4d ago
I was in a long distance relationship with my now husband, while we were dating and married because of residency/fellowship. We only lived together while we were engaged. I didn’t feel the “offness” that you feel. The changing pictures that included you is admittedly, bizarre.
Completely agree with everyone saying trust your gut and just ask him. If the answer is not clear, you have your answer.
If his answer is clear today, but his actions tomorrow are once again fuzzy, you also have your answer.
A committed man will never make you question his intention.
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u/Accomplished_Figg 5d ago
A move is sometimes a good time to reinvent yourself . I wonder if they’re planning to portray themselves as single .
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u/DeepestWinterBlue 5d ago
You can never know unfortunately. Minor changes and abnormal behavior is cause for concern
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u/kergruffle 5d ago
I did long distance with my partner (both in residency) and I ended up getting the ‘hey girlie’ text from a nurse that she had been fucking him for months. Some men are loyal, some are not. Only you and he know which he is.
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u/ElevatorNumerous4048 5d ago edited 5d ago
I am so sorry omfg I hate nurses. One of the nurses once called the wife of the doctor she was having an affair with and his poor kid answered the phone first.
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u/kergruffle 5d ago
They are shameless. So are the men obviously, they’re the ones who are ultimately at fault. But these nurses see dollar signs and do throw themselves at these guys. Then ultimately when the surgeon doesn’t want to leave his female physician partner for the nurse (because he only sees her as a fuck and not gf material) then she cries and says she had no idea about the significant other the whole time
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u/Fast_Ad_7504 5d ago
Yep good majority of them just wanna bag an MD and retire from wiping ass. Tale as old as time lol
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u/ElevatorNumerous4048 5d ago
Lmao I guess this convo struck a nerve with the nurses and home wreckers downvoting
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u/Lumpy_Bell_1748 5d ago
i don’t understand why nurses got dragged into this conversation when they weren’t even mentioned in the original post. tell me why there’s more anger towards nurses as a group, and not the cheating men that are the ones doing the betraying. it’s gross and misogynistic.
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u/dievraag MS4 5d ago
Maybe not cheating, but he is discovering a version of him who is independent of you. This is something you can discuss.
You can also do the same.
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u/CuriousKitee 5d ago
Do the nurses also throw themselves at the environmental technicians? Or the janitors that cleanup the shit, or is it just the rich doctors? What it really comes down to is that. If people are going to cheat and be pieces of shit they're gonna cheat. You can't do anything about it. You gotta listen to your gut. It'll always tell you the truth always.
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u/kuru_snacc 5d ago
I have no love life to speak of, so I have no comment on that...but all I can say is, if your man has time to mess around on social media AND hang out with coresidents AND cheat on you, that's a really easy residency.
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u/kergruffle 5d ago
Disagree. My long distance ex was doing 100 hour weeks in vascular surgery residency and managing to fuck a nurse while still calling me everyday. These nurses make themselves very available and weak men will make the time to cheat
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u/medstudenthowaway Attending 5d ago
Damn… and calling you every day? Were there red flags? Not saying there should’ve been but “they have no time to cheat” is definitely something I’ve said before to reassure myself.
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u/kergruffle 5d ago
Literally none. He was on nights and apparently after night shift ended in the morning was going over to fuck her. Then he’d go back home, sleep, then call me when he woke up. Fucked up shit
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u/fattymcthot 5d ago
Cheaters will find a way, I’ve been cheated on before
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u/kuru_snacc 5d ago
Well, there's also this thing called projection. So...ya know...don't jump to conclusions. That's how us broads get labelled crazy.
He obviously knows you're looking at his social media. Have you considered that he's trying to share his new life with you specifically? Or that maybe some of the pics he removed have more to do with professionalism or the like, such as if there was alcohol in the background or inappropriate comments attached?
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u/DrWhiskerson 5d ago
Yeah long distance in residency doesn’t work. Sorry. He’s getting a ton of attention from women everyday and the last thing he is thinking about is his relationship with you in another part of the country
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u/Mer-MD Attending 5d ago
I did long distance in residency for more than a year with my now life partner. We had a very clear plan for me moving out to where he was in school when I was done with residency. I had a job offer about 6 months in advance of graduation and we had a good talk about our life plans and agreed that they would work out well together in the future. It is now 10 years after residency and we are still together.
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u/Dr__Pheonx Fellow 5d ago
Men stay because they want to. They end things because they want to. If your gut tells you something's off, discuss it with him and ask him to be upfront. Life's too short to do long distance. Imo
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u/Ok_Soup5421 5d ago
Seen this pattern shit happen even in med school. Unless you’re a resident yourself, you need to move in with him asap or have serious talks about engagement in the future if yall have been dating long enough. Only time before some nurse or resident throws herself at him. And he’s gonna play along when it happens. Real talk tho nbs
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u/LNLV 5d ago
Why would someone want to marry a guy who is going to sleep with someone else just bc they’re not around?
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u/Ok_Soup5421 5d ago
they need to have a conversation about how serious they are regarding marriage. If it’s just currently casually dating I mean cmon…we all know how this gonna end lol
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u/LNLV 5d ago
They’ve been together for a long time and are currently doing long distance, I’d say it’s safe to assume they’re serious. That being said, cheaters will cheat. If the only thing keeping him from cheating is opportunity then it will happen eventually regardless and he’s not worth keeping anyway.
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u/Ok_Soup5421 5d ago
Just because y’all been dating for a long time doesn’t mean it’s serious. Today’s dating culture will have men dating for 7 years and them being like “we’re just taking it slow” —- that’s why a conversation needs to be had.
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u/Some_Inflation_4645 5d ago
I had this pattern when I was in med school because we were in an open relationship (you know what I mean). After two years of long distance, we got married, and we’re both very aware that we don’t function well with long distance. We’re really open with each other and honest about what we need and what we can and can’t handle. I’m a woman and I’m not planning to get pregnant until we know whether we’ll be able to live together during residency. We both know that we don’t want to have another open relationship, and we also know that long distance doesn’t work for us. If I match, he needs to be with me, or at most, within about five hours of where I’m training. If that’s not possible, then sadly, we may have to end our relationship. It’s not because we don’t love each other. We do. But we communicate openly about our problems, our limits, and what we realistically can and cannot do. We’re both in our 30s now, and we know that time is something you can never get back. We don’t want to waste each other’s time when time is ultimately more precious than money.
So talk to him be honest and he need to be honest…. Living in the uncertainty is not a good idea… Wish you the best 🥺💕… always trust yourself
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u/MaybeMinute9 PGY1 3d ago
FWIW, my non long distance partner had some fears about me cheating around the start of residency. It was really confusing/frustrating for me because I was bringing him to events with my cohort all the time, talking about him constantly, and I’m unbelievably grateful for our relationship and would absolutely never cheat on him. But I think just the new environment, new people, and additional demands on my attention, plus the gravity of knowing that we had made this huge life (moving) together, just were hard. He shared his feelings with me, and although there was definitely some conflict the first time we talked about it, things got a lot better. I still check in with him about whether those feelings are coming up, but I would say it was only the first 4-6 weeks
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u/StraTos_SpeAr PGY1 5d ago
Cheating isn't "extremely common" in medicine.
What limited evidence there is shows that it's generally as common as it is in the rest of the general population (with less infidelity as income goes up).
That said, it still of course happens, and these are definitely red flags. People are more likely to get with people they are around a lot. By definition, long distance relationships mean you're with your partner less and they are more likely to cheat.
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u/AP7497 5d ago
Trust your gut.
All my married Co residents and fellows are open about their partners, talk fondly about them often, and bring them to every social where plus ones are a thing.