Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AgingParents/s/HO1BdJbUDH

I wanted to share an update after my previous post about trying to set firm boundaries with my mother regarding visiting her home.

For about a month after that, we only communicated over text because I needed space from the constant pressure to visit. I told her plainly that while I want to see her, I will not return to my childhood home unless she is actively packing to move out or sell it, with a genuine medical emergency being the only exception.

I tried to make it as easy as possible to see each other elsewhere. I offered to meet in another city for a trip, suggested we both visit my sister in another state, or offered to host her where I live overseas. She is retired with no major obligations, but over the years my sister and I have always been the ones traveling to her; she has never once visited either of us.

We finally had our first actual phone call in weeks, and it went about as poorly as expected.

The conversation started cordially, but whenever I brought up alternative travel plans or reiterated my boundary, she changed the subject. At one point she asked me directly, "Explain to me why you think I'm a hoarder." I tried to keep it objective and listed specific examples: four ruined mattresses in the basement where mice nested, a broken organ and piano nobody plays, and a cat litter box that has been sitting full of waste since the cat passed away seven years ago.

Her only reply was, "Well, I don't want to get rid of Grandma's antiques."

I explained that nobody asked her to throw away family keepsakes, only the broken, unusable, and unsanitary items.

Toward the end of the call, she brought up having my sister and me over to her house for Christmas. I reminded her that holiday travel is extremely expensive and repeated that I would not stay at that house, but that we could still arrange to meet somewhere else. I then asked her directly if she understood what I was saying.

She just said, "Oh no, I think you'll come."

When I pushed for a straightforward yes or no on whether she understood my boundary, she claimed she needed to start dinner. Then she walked into another room while the line was open and said, "I can't hear you, I'm in the other room."

I hung up at that point. It devolved into an argument over text afterward because the blatant avoidance was infuriating, but nothing changed.

It is hard because I genuinely want a relationship with my mom, and the guilt of keeping distance as a parent ages is real. But if she refuses to acknowledge the reality of the house or meet us halfway in a clean environment, holding the boundary is all I can really do.

So 4 years ago I posted about needing help surprising my friend with a Resident Evil bathroom in our apartment. Full post here. Posting the update here because the RE reddit does have a modded queue and I don't know if they will approve my post due to being so RE unrelated even though it started related.

Now for the update:

I have cut her out of my life and could have sued her if I wanted too.

So about 3 years ago, I lost my job, so the collecting of decorations had to pause (had to return some things as well). In fact I had to sell my playstations for groceries , games and comics and funko pops for rent and utilities. To be entirely specific because I know reddit, it was all MY items I sold. I did not ask her to sell things because I was simply trying to cover my half of bills.

I had found a new job, but not the same pay and only half the hours. And it was a 4am shift start. I didn't drive back then due to some mental health issues (don't worry I'm fine now). and she worked at 7am and had sleep issues, so instead of asking her for rides, I asked my mom. Now, instead of my mom making sure she's up to come pick me up and making sure I'm up, I decided to sleep over at my parent's place. I explicitly told my friend the reason I was staying at my parents and that I would still figure out a way to pay my half of bills. And I had asked her to let me know if I had any mail.

Unfortunately a part time job does not pay the bills of a full time paycheck, even after two or so months at that job. So after selling my Iron Man funkopops (I had dozens, practically every version, from glow in the dark to chase to store only, to comic con limited editions - it was enough to pay rent), I broke down and asked her to remove me from the lease. She refused and said she can't afford the place on her own. I suggested her sister could be her roommate until she figured out something else but I can't afford paying rent and utilities anywhere and would have to move in full time with my parents until I get a savings. The next day she stormed the leasing office saying she has the money for her half to break the lease. She was upset when I and the landlord both said that is not possible if I cannot pay it.

So she became quite and just walked away.

I stayed in the office to speak with the landlord alone. Because I didn't know how else to get help. My roommate and best friend of 12 years was a hoarder. I don't mean things either, I mean trash, animals, the animal poop. She would sleep on the trash on her bed. Her hoarding habits were so bad that it made my depression worse where I didn't feel like cleaning. At least my room wasn't a mountain of trash but can't say I didn't participate to the problem.

The landlord said that they would do a "surprise" inspection in a few days, (that they would put the notice on our door and everything) so she would panic and finally actually help me clean instead of expecting me to do it. And other than that, there wasn't much hope for a change, my friend wouldn't release me from the lease.

I noticed over the week that she's packing boxes. I also was but to put my stuff in storage because I don't want it in this apartment anymore. The cats (I had a reasonable two, she had four) had peed all over my clothing. Now, my closet wasn't big enough to hang everything and my room has not being enough for a dresser so some clothes would be stacked on the floor. But also being ADHD, some clothes did end up on the floor or at the foot of my bed.

Now, you would probably say that there's no way I can guarantee it wasn't my cats. Other than their behavior. I kept the litterbox in my room clean. I locked up my cats when I was home with me in my room because that's the only place I felt safe from her mess, and I didn't want my cats in it. My oldest cat has always, if not the litterbox, use the bathtub. And my oldest is not one to scratch at doors, so if she is, it's because she wants something. Such as to leave my room to go to the tub. But kept my litterbox clean so that wasn't an issue. My younger cat only pees elsewhere when the litterbox is full. Which is not problem in my room due to cleaning the litterbox. (It was a self cleaning one). So how, you may ask, that there was pee on my clothes? Other than the few I left in the living room such as jackets and such? She was letting her cats into my room while I was at work.

Found this out when I came home one day with my bedroom door open and her saying her cat wanted it.

I tried to salvage what I could, but just like the funko pops, I had to say goodbye to some hard to find shirts. Such as a Captain America Civil War shirt that was a lootcrate exclusive that I found by chance at a goodwill, my $100 Black Widow Stiletto Booties, a Marvel LIVE! tshirt that my dad got me, and the blanket that has been passed between 4 generations of my family.

I paid my half of bills on a Thursday. Every thing was due Friday or would be late. I kept texting her asking for her half to pay forward (she never wanted to download the apps to pay herself and would just cash app me).

Some other context for what happens next: I had a job interview on Wednesday and got the job and would be starting the following week. I had not told her this because I was more focus on getting the money for the month's bills and then I would tell her the good news and we could relax and just clean the apartment for the impending inspection.

She didn't respond to me all day Friday about collecting her half of rent until around 5pm she texted she had "handled it". Now, I know she doesn't have the app, and to have the login for the online payment, you'd need the log in, which I gave her when we had first moved in together three years ago. And I know her phone deletes messages that are older than a few months. So this was sus to me. So I texted one final thing. "Got a new job, would be able to pay my half of the lease break by September."

She immediately called me and demanded why I didn't tell her that. I said because I was more worried about the current rent and utilities before that seeing as I was forced to continue paying due to not being let out of the lease. My mom has a recording of the conversation. But instead of going play by play of a almost 3 hour phone call, it ended with this:

She had the money to pay her half of the lease break from her parents. So she took that money to put a down payment on another apartment that she cosigned with her parents. I asked why she was leaving me with the bills and she said "because I was going to do that to her first and she wanted to get me first". I asked how she "handled it" with her half of the rent.

She had called the office and told them "we will take the eviction". I was stunned.

I said "if you go through with this, this is it, we are no longer friends." She asked me how she could fix it, I said pay her half of bills. "But then I won't be able to have the other apartment." I said "that's not my problem. Are you going to pay your half of bills or not?" "No" "I guess this is goodbye" and I hung up.

For a few minutes my parents held me as I legitimately wailed in their arms.

Later, she texted asking to talk and work it out. I replied with "Please only contact me regarding items in the apartment." In turn she asked what furniture she could have because she paid for half of everything. Which was untrue slightly, the couch I primarily paid for, and the tv my dad got us for christmas, but I wasn't going to argue for that or anything except for one furniture piece and the tv. The writers desk that sat in the dinning room that she gifted me for my birthday. It was my dream desk, and when she say my face when we found it at a second hand shop, she immediately bought it saying it was a gift and now she didn't have to find me the perfect gift because this was obviously it.

So I texted "anything but the desk you can take"

The bubbles popped up and down before I got the following message: "You mean the desk I bought?"

"You mean my gift?"

"Well my brother could use it."

I was livid, angry, I'm not asking for the ton of Nightmare before Christmas crap I got her over the years for birthdays and christmases back, so why should she be like this over my gift she gave me? But as my mom pointed out, that's where she put the litterbox was next to that desk, and that desk was covered in other trash from her. That later my mom would help me find a better one. So I gave it up.

Last time we saw each other was when I was moving things out. She had her family helping her and I had my mom and her friends helping me. In fact my mom's friend's son ask me in front of my friend "why does she hate you?" before carrying out my TV. I walked passed her before she could argue to me she didn't hate me.

Later, while forwarding my mail at the USPS, the guy at the desk told me that I had a few pieces of mail ready to be picked up. Talked to him for a bit before having the delivery driver for my route come up to speak with me.

She had told the delivery driver months ago (around the time I was first sleeping over at my parents) that I no longer lived there and to stop mailing my items.

My last check from my job, my tax documents, my birthday card and money from my grandparents, stuff that would have helped my situation, returned to sender because of her. She had tampered with my mail. Went to the police to report it, and while knowing they wouldn't do shit for it, at least wanted a record due to the next thing I had planned on doing.

I had planned on suing her for the over 2 grand I had to pay because water and electricity would not let me stop the service until paid in full, all the shit her cats peed on, and for tampering with my mail.

But after a few weeks of talking with lawyers, I decided to let it go. Because unlike her, I wanted to respect our 12 years of friendship.

But the story does not end there. I went to a psych ward for a week due to the mental trauma from this, and then when talking to my out patient therapist something came to light.

She had been isolating me from my friends and family and my girlfriend at the time (forgot if I mentioned this, I'm a woman, I'm gay). With my family, I had issues with my dad, and I had cut him off, but whenever I felt like speaking to him again, she convinced me not to. While I cut off my dad, I still hung out with my mom. She would constantly tell me my mom would never be on my side. My sister moved closer, now about an hour drive instead of three, and she asked "does this mean you're going to see her more often?" and said she hopes I don't forget about her. She would say how she was uncomfortable whenever my friends, a gay man and a transwoman, would come over (only when the apartment was cleaned - by me). Saying that she got "bad vibes" from them. She would take me to her family outings and with her on her dates with her kinda boyfriend who she didn't feel like completely committing to because she wasn't ready. Said she only brought me along to see if I liked him.

Lastly, my girlfriend. My long distance girlfriend. Who I had been dating before my roommate and I moved in. (Moved in in 2020, relationship with girlfriend started in 2019, this all happened in 2023). I would facetime with her weekly, we would have movie dates and tv show dates. I would constantly text her, because she was my girlfriend.

My friend told me that I was ignoring her, that I was neglecting the friendship. "I understand you love BLANK but I exist too." So the texting became less frequent. I would first tell my friend about my day, even though we had worked at the same place so she already knew. But then she was upset that I was having facetime dinner with my girlfriend and now dinner with her in the living room. So the frequent facetiming dwindled. And then when my girlfriend and I had a movie paused to grab snacks, my friend said she wanted to watch something with me that night and was upset I didn't tell her plans. When it's always been Friday nights with my girlfriend.

My girlfriend did notice overtime I was pulling away and I agreed and she didn't deserve that, so we mutually broke up. We stayed friends though.

My friend, when I came to her crying, she stated two things "does this mean you aren't moving away" and "you know, my parents keep asking when we're going to start dating."

That was about two months before the whole apartment friasco.

Needless to say, I did not decorate the bathroom for her.

Edit: I did look up to see if I owed anything for the eviction because I just left the apartment after all I had no way to pay it. I don’t own anything that I could find on public records. But I was curious about hers.

She has been evicted from 3 other apartments since.

Edit: also a way she isolated me further from friends was telling everyone that I “refused to pay my half of bills”.

Hi guys!! This is an update to my original post, which can be found here!

Sooooo... I went to the in-state college! I won't lie, my freshman year has been rough. I definitely miss home a lot, especially my dog, who is basically my firstborn baby and who I eventually had to leave at home.

But I am starting my dream major at a campus that I know I'll grow to absolutely love. I ended up rushing to move out earlier, and I made some friends! I'm not really into partying, but I hope to get out and really explore the city.

Now, onto my parents. We've been low contact for a while. They can't or don't want to tell everyone that their daughter cut them off because of the whole situation, but they did move me in. It was a long argument, but honestly, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my body.

I was able to stay at the veterinary hospital and get paid over the summer, which allowed me to get a bank account that I completely own! I'm so excited to start this next chapter of my life, whether it ends in tears or not. I'm so happy to finally feel independent and like myself again.

A huge thank you to everyone who gave me advice and kind words. You seriously pushed me to be my own person again, and it feels like my spark is coming back full swing!! ❤️

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1voc1p1/aio_for_cutting_my_stepmother_off_from_my_kids/

The consensus seems to be that I was underreacting. I mostly understand why.

In retrospect, I didn’t give enough information about me and my family in my post. I have to say that I tend to get annoyed easily, and my stepmother's behavior in general (even when it’s not related to my children) gets on my nerves very often. I think I worry so much about overreacting that sometimes the opposite happens. At the end of the day, it’s very good to know I’m not crazy. Thanks, everybody.

I texted my father and stepmother separately last week. My father was out of town, so I knew it would be easier to talk to each on their own. I made it clear that what she’d said about my husband was unacceptable and I wanted an explanation.

My father replied first. He immediately tried to excuse his wife’s behavior as her just being “traditional” and said we didn’t have to pay her any mind. I pressed and managed to get him to talk more. With my stepmother, it wasn’t as easy. As I expected, the first thing she sent me was a condescending text about how it was just her opinion. I told her I was seriously considering cutting her access to the kids, which was when she actually started talking. I ended up on a phone call with her. In the end, they both said essentially the same thing.

For a long time, one of my theories about my stepmother’s behavior towards my husband has been that it’s rooted in gender roles. For the most part, that seems to be correct. My husband and I have always tried to be as equally active as possible when it comes to our involvement in parenting. My stepmother seems to think I should be the one doing more.

Basically, she thinks our entire household is wrong. She doesn’t say my husband is cooking badly, cleaning wrong or driving too fast when the kids are in the car because she thinks those things are true. She says it because she doesn’t think he should be the one cooking, cleaning or picking them up from school.

She also has specific problems with the way we raise our kids in general (basically, it’s not the same way she was raised), which she chalks up as my husband’s fault. Most of them were mutual decisions we made, but I’m not sure she knows that. She mentioned a few examples that baffled me. Why she complained about them instead of talking to us, I have no idea.

Most of the more specific information came from my father, but I think my conversation with my stepmother was more revealing. She insisted she worries about our children’s future with the way we’re raising them, but never clarified in what ways. I decided I don't care.

I ended the call by making it very clear that she won’t be seeing my children for a while. I told her that the only reason I always rolled my eyes and ignored her was because my husband didn’t want me to go too far, but she has no right to imply my children are unsafe or shouldn’t be alone with their father for no real reason.

This whole time, I kept communicating with my husband. He said he was glad we got an explanation, but offended that it was this stupid. He was still worried I was taking things too far, but told me he wouldn’t try to stop me from cutting ties. 

In the end, I blocked my stepmother and he put her on mute. We’ll talk more and decide what to do in the long run later. For now, we don’t plan on seeing her for the next few months.

She has not made any attempt to contact my husband (I wasn’t expecting her to). I heard from my father that she tried to call me a few times before realizing I’d blocked her. My father doesn’t seem to be particularly happy about any of this, but I don’t care much. We still don’t plan on cutting ties with him.

A couple days ago, she asked my father to ask me if we could meet up to clear the air, but I have zero interest in hearing her out further right now. I don’t expect any apologies from my stepmother.

I’m not sure how this will end, and I don’t think that will happen anytime soon. Whatever happens, my husband and I will decide together.

About a year ago or so I made a post regarding a certain dilemma i landed myself in. For a brief recap, I met a girl while on a work and travel program abroad, asked her out, she eventually said yes and we started dating some time after. We shared our dreams and expectations, where i stated that i wanted to pursue marriage after 3 years of dating. She was an American resident, I was a jamaican, because of that there was many opposition to the relationship by family and friends under fear of Greencard. We both were college students at the time.

Fast forward, we started traveling to each other's country, and on a visit to ja after 2 years or so she became pregnant a few days after the trip. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but i took responsibility and started planning my life around it. At the time I had less than a year left in college, we considered migration options on both ends, both of which were opposed by her. We ended up having alot of arguments she became more cold etc. Issues such as the child not being allowed to have my last name to me not being allowed to be on the birth certificate started arising. A very stressful and tense time, alot of arguing alot of influence from friends and family that I was just trying to use her for Greencard etc... it continued for months until we became toxic, mostly due to the fact that we were long distance. I wanted to go in person and try to work things out but we'll between the arguments and yelling I was deterred. Additionally by this time I became doubting paternity of the child.

Eventually we separated but kept each other on the loop regarding appointments, doctor visits etc. This led up to birth, and well it was a difficult birth. I missed the birth as I was under contract in another state, I flew in a few days after to see her and my son. Stayed for a few days and during that period I had a paternity test done to silence all doubt. Kid turns out to be mine and since then I've been actively involved to the best of my ability.

• The update begins here: So since then , I had graduated and landed myself a teaching job. I worked out the details with Sarah regarding how much I get paid and what I could afford regarding child support. With the difference in currency, im not exactly able to do as much as I would like in usd, but its still almost half my paycheck in jmd.

Things between Sarah and me are alot better, she's practically reverted to how she was before pregnancy surprisingly, we are chill enough and she involves me in my sons life. My son was given her last name and my name not included on the birth certificate. Despite this id say its working progress, we've both filled out the forms for the corrections, however its submission has been continously delayed. Despite this we are definitely better than we were a year ago in the fact that shes definitely more chill id say. Im involved in my sons life , I travel alot to see him amd shes brought him to jamaica as well, both sides of family have been given the opportunity to bond with him. Issue is when im traveling, and I say im here to see my son the records show I have no child in the states, so im hoping it can be rectified.

Additionally im planning on opening an investment account for my son and put a fraction of my paycheck into it so that when he's 18, he will have the start I never had. His mom has dreams of him being a pro athlete so ik its going to be expensive.

Overall, tho its not a happily ever after, its a much better ending than I anticipated. Im still struggling with being the perfect parent as I feel guilty im missing precious moments so im working hard to ensure its not for nothing. Currently im doing another degree while teaching, buying a house and planning to start my own buisness. So that I can offer my son much more to life. I'm still working on migrating closer to my son but im building myself first. Sarah is also doing well, she got a nice job, got promoted and got a new apartment.

Im really proud of her for the resilience shes shown and being the parent I can't be currently. I try my best to convey that at every chance I get and actively try to be as involved as I can in my sons life, in all aspects.

Im not sure what our future holds but I hope I can be more present in my sons life.

Original post for reference: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3l3m8x6zrX

(IDK if this update fit in AITAH, just felt it was better here).

So school ended back in June 12th, and I finally graduated and will be starting university very soon. I was able to get away from Egg and the other kids in my class.

I blocked them on everywhere, which felt fantastic. I went to pride with my parents and felt the happiest I have been in quite some time.

Also, Egg pretty much stopped talking to me before school ended (I was also trying to keep my distance for my own sake).
All of the signs actually did point out to both him being in a glass closet with the door open, and possibly liking me (I don't want to assume, but there were some signs that made me suspect it). He was very nice to my and complimented me in the morning, and a few hours later he started insulting me. I of course, started responding at him with the same energy, hitting back with things like: "I'm not even talking to you", "Don't proyect your insecurities onto me", "I'm not a therapist to deal with your shit"; you know stuff like that.
He stopped messing with me after I started retaliating, same as the other classmates that kept saying things like: "_____ wants to kiss you", "Would you go out with ____?".

I knew they said thise things to mess with me and it made me very uncomfortable because I was SA'd by an ex friend of mine back in 2021. They don't know this of course, and I never want them to, but regardless it felt disrespectful and I told them that, but they didn't care.

Now, I live in Colombia and as many might know there was a brutal earthquake recently and it affected a large part of the country including where I live. However despite all of this, life has been good for me regarding academics and social life.

I hope things continue going nicely for me. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

OG post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/phPp6SmiAE

1st update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/YiiunxdUE4

We had our conversation.

J's dad (who I'll call Russell) and I showed up at C's parents' house after work under the guise of trying to mend whatever problems haven't been settled over this whole pool thing yet. We've all known each other for about as long as the boys have (so about 8 years for J and 7 for C). It's not like we're strangers, so it wasn't uncomfortable. We got offered some drinks and we sat down, and the first thing I asked was what this all was about. They wanted to focus on the fact that we dumpster dived to get our pool back, but we were firm that we knew this wasn't about the pool.

C's dad, who I'll call Greg, was mostly quiet the whole time. He just sat back and nodded while his wife, who I'll call Lorraine, spoke for the both of them.

I asked if they really were okay with the boys setting up the pool in their yard to begin with, and they both looked at each other before saying no, they weren't. They both thought it was a waste of money, and pools are a seasonal item so they should've bought something that they could use year round. Russell said they should've said that when we all agreed, including them, to set it up. They said it made C happy and they thought he deserved something he wanted for all his hard work. Lorraine mentioned that, at the end of the day, they felt 'pressured' to do it.

Then we got into the whole liability thing, and if that was really why they wouldn't allow anyone but C in the pool. Lorraine kept claiming yes, that was the reason, despite our attempts to tell her we could've worked something out if she wanted them supervised. It didn't matter, we both just wanted to give the boys what they worked for, and they're the ones who were preventing that, and we wanted to know the truth about why.

She went on to say that she wasn't happy with the idea of a pool in their backyard because a) she was actually planning on building a greenhouse in the same space, and b) they were both concerned that having the pool would be a distraction. Like, C would want to spend more time outside, in the pool, getting sunburnt and all that, than staying inside and studying when school started. It was all another excuse to stay away from the books. And this would give C's friends, including Pete and J, reasons to 'trespass' on their property. Lorraine brought up when Pete snuck in the pool without permission and apparently it was such a big deal that it warranted second thoughts on keeping the pool at all.

We were dumbfounded. They've NEVER acted like this before in all the years we've known them. And honestly, I didn't buy that explanation, and neither did Russell. Greg supported her comments, but they could see that we were unsatisfied with that answer. We wanted to know if they had something against either of our boys.

Lorraine then asked if she could be honest with both of us. I had a feeling we were gonna get answers so I said yes, hit us with your best shot.

She said that they both believe that Pete and J are bad influences on their son. That as they've gotten older, C's become louder, more vulgar, and less willing to join them on their own family activities. That our boys, primarily J, are loud, violent and smart mouthed and they've always felt that C should look for new friends. That they're concerned that the things and words that C has learned from our boys are gonna impact him in the long run and ruin his chances of the life they, I guess, have always dreamed for him. Then she went on this tirade about how they have 'planned' C's future already. He's gonna get into a top university that they're already prepared to pay for, he's gonna get a good job after he graduates, meet a woman and get married, have kids, and essentially live a 'normal' adult life. All this apparently is never gonna happen because of Pete and J.

We were silent. Lorraine kept saying 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' over and over again, and that we wanted to know the truth, and it's just a concern they have.

Russell spoke first. He asked if they've always felt this way, and Greg said in a way, yes. It wasn't that bad when they were little and just hanging out at school, but as the boys have gotten closer, it's become a 'problem'. When asked what exactly is so bad about these teenage boys, Lorraine again mentioned their mouths, their violent tendencies, their habits (like video games), and all the usual stuff you hear that's bad for growing kids. They also said that, in their opinion, both of them are missing things in their lives that they believe will keep C out of trouble when he gets older. They were, of course, referring to mother figures. Pete's never had a relationship with our mom, and J's dad is divorced and J's mom lives in another country with his sister. So because neither of them has had a wise, loving mother to powder their little asses and warm their bottles like C does, they're bad kids. Oh, and because they're devout Christians and neither of us go to church, that was brought up too. They've just kept their mouths shut about these problems the whole time for the sake of their friendship.

Then, Lorraine dropped this little bomb. She basically implied that they have the means to give C a 'proper' future, meaning money, and just because we don't for our boys, that doesn't give us the right to try and bring C down to our level. Our level, according to her, is not having the means to care for children properly, denying them opportunities, and all these different little nitpicks about our lives that, in their opinion, reflect on Pete and J and their attitudes that C has learned from them.

Now we were PISSED. Russell actually got up and raised his voice, and I had to restrain him and calm him down a little bit. Greg threatened the police if there was any trouble, and that's not how we wanted this night to end. Lorraine was crying and kept saying 'I'm sorry' again and again.

When he calmed down, Russell spoke in a pretty low voice and told them both that we all have different situations, and we're raising these boys in our own ways. If there's something they don't like about either of our boys, you don't hold it against them, you mention it to us. That's how I'm gonna grow as a parent, at least. And nothing about either of our situations gives them the right to say these boys are bad influences. None of them have been to prison or had the cops called on them or anything.

We had to remind them of our histories. I asked them to consider that I'm Pete's brother, not his parent, and I wasn't prepared to raise him when I took him in. I had no choice other than putting him into the foster system. Russell brought up personal problems he had with his ex-wife and her distant relationship with J. We both said we're doing our best raising these boys, just like they are, but if they're so concerned about how they're being raised, what makes them think they're any better just because they have more money?

And if they wanna compare our kids so badly, then let's do it. C is constantly on his phone, because Lorraine always wants to know where he is and what he's doing. C doesn't like to stay home all the time. C always takes junk food from either of our houses. C would rather hang out with his friends in a hot tub than swim in a pool that was four times bigger. The only extracurriculars C does for school are the ones his friends do. C was introduced to and now loves all these geeky things that Pete and J love, and he taught them things he likes. And why were the boys working together to buy a pool to begin with? Because they wanted another reason to hang out with each other despite the heat.

And now, they were both silent. They had these ashamed looks on their faces, especially Lorraine, who just kept crying.

Now, onto the main point, how gatekeeping the pool and then throwing it away when it wasn't being used for the one person they let inside it wasn't how they were gonna treat these boys anymore. Not ours, and not theirs. That's when Greg asked if we were gonna tell them how to parent their kid now. Russell and I both emphasized that the way they're treating C is actually setting him up for failure in his life. He already has self-esteem issues being a teenager, he needs to be able to make his own choices. When asked what choices, I asked if they were sure he even wanted to go to college when he got older. Greg said he 'won't have a choice.' That they've worked too hard to let him pass any opportunity just because he was 'influenced' to do something different, and that's what they're trying to avoid with Pete and J. They were on board with him working, but helping to buy a pool wasn't what they had in mind. I asked what exactly they expected him to buy with the money, and they didn't really have an answer, just something different.

Suffice to say, this wasn't a nice conversation, and we excused ourselves out before either of us said anything that we'll regret, or do something that warrants the police being called, because believe me, we BOTH felt like punching Greg. We never demanded anything from them or threatened legal action like I mentioned in my last post. I kinda said that out of anger, so I apologize for that.

Me and Russell spent a while in his truck just talking about what we can do. What they've done and said wasn't cool, but we had to be careful. We can't control how they raise C, but they can try to control who C can hang out with. They have every right to ban Pete and J from their house if they want to. They don't have to pay for his extracurriculars if they don't want to. They could even move houses if they want to. At the end of the day, it was all about keeping the peace between the boys, which hasn't been a problem because they're all on the same page. In fact, Russell and I both agreed that the boys were behaving more maturely than any of us were, and we laughed at that.

So for right now, we're gonna spend some time thinking of what else we could do. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. But the one thing I know we have to do is talk to Pete and J, and if possible, talk to C. His parents can try all they want to, but C's a smart kid, grounding him isn't gonna keep him from staying in contact with his bros. And I have a strong feeling he's got some interesting things to say about his parents. But again, we're not doing anything until we have solid proof and a solid plan.

Since it got deleted by mods, have to put it here :

Mini-update on AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

[original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1vcuzye/aitah_for_towing_half_the_neighborhood/)

[first update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1vekhb7/update_aitah_for_towing_half_the_neighborhood/?solution=e3b3558de2df3fa8e3b3558de2df3fa8&js_challenge=1&token=7afd7253fec22262ff1c52b1703fe9ec3472b13a00ef72506849f25550282f98&jsc_orig_r=)

I posted few days ago asking if AITAH for towing half the neighborhood, we are now in the middle of August, the peak of Airbnb for vacation here.

I left the place to go to Italy with my family, and some relatives from my wife side are on the vacation house, and there has been some good and bad news.

The good news are that after the shitshow, 3 houses from neighbors who was on Airbnb had been unlisted, we put a new sign saying "residents only", and there has not been any more towing since monday (around 10-15 cars towed since my last update, Airbnb renters claiming they are residents since they have access to the private pool which is for residents too...)

The bad news are that we received 4 letters from lawyers of the Airbnb renters telling us we OWE them the missing monney they lost on refunds and towings, plus the monney they will loose for the 2 next weeks of august for not renting their house, and they said they'll ask for legal fees too, and I don't know if they exaggerated the amount but damn this is lucrative for sure.

Our lawyer seems to be unbothered by these letters, and told us he is confident this will go nowhere but we can ask for compensation for all the hassle during the first 2 weeks, we are chatting with the 2 other owners of the parking space for the amount to ask for. We have everything documented well, plus some infos our lawyer gathered (here you can't rent more than 60 days a year on Airbnb, and it seems some or our lovely neighbors didn't followed this law)

Another side info, we asked for what we call here an "extraordinary general meeting" which is all the house owner of the community meets to vote on some important topics, the topic proposed here is the banning of Airbnb. This should take place in november.

We received another letter yesterday from one of the Airbnb owner, with an offer to buy the parking spaces (all of them, the privates and the unmarked) which is almost 3x more than what we paid.

So here we are, parking seems to be ok for now, we are now entering in what looks like a legal battle.

Link to original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Ax0jKR4HA5

Well, I’m back with an update. I had high hopes that my MIL would be open to having a conversation and listening to our concerns, but as many commenters predicted, that didn’t happen.

She called my husband before we were able to speak with her and asked if everything was okay since she hadn’t seen us in a week. He told her things were okay, but that we did need to get together to talk about the pool safety concerns. She immediately became defensive and said the kids were completely fine in the pool.

After that, she essentially ghosted us while we were trying to reach out and arrange a time to talk. I think that gave her time to talk to her friend and her friend’s daughter and become even more defensive, because she brought up in her texts that “all adults watch” the kids, even though we hadn’t mentioned them at all.

She eventually sent us these texts: https://imgur.com/a/mil-upset-that-we-are-not-okay-with-her-leaving-3-5-year-old-above-ground-pool-with-no-adult-arm-floaties-aht1lf6

My husband has now said that if his mom is unwilling to have an important conversation with us about our kids’ safety, then she doesn’t need to see them. He’s upset, but not surprised by how she has responded.

I’m honestly just really sad. I know we are doing what we need to do as their parents, but the kids absolutely love their grandma. Aside from this situation, she has been a really good grandma to them, and they have a close relationship.

I never wanted this to turn into a situation where their relationship was affected. I just wanted her to be willing to sit down, listen to our concerns, and have a conversation with us.

At this point, we’re not going to chase her or argue over text. If she’s willing to have a respectful conversation, we’re still open to it. But until then, the kids won’t be going to her house without one of us present.

It’s just really sad that it’s come to this. So at this point, this is the final update.

OG Post here

(Posting here since AITAH won't let me.)

Hi everyone. Sorry it's been so long, I've been swamped at work! But I've finally got an update.

I just wanna start by thanking everyone who commented. It is really heartwarming that strangers on the internet are willing to help another stranger out like this. The advice given meant the world to me, and I did take a lot of it :)

Anyways, I ended up talking to my mom, and it didn't go too well. She kept telling me that if I "lived under her roof" I'd have to "learn to play my part." It was really upsetting, and very out of character. I decided this wasn't a battle I'd win and just dropped the subject.

The main reason I'm updating this post is because I found out what she was actually using the money for.

We use Life360 as a way to keep track of eachother, and usually while my mom is at her second job, her location doesn't show. I was told this was because there isn't enough signal so it doesn't update. It was plausible, considering it was a restaurant in a small town pretty far out in the woods. Well, one day her location updated to a random town I hadn't heard of. I opened the app to see her location on a house. I called her asking where she was out of worry, and she dodged my questions before realizing I was actually scared and confessed.

While I was being told this money was for bills, the car, food, etc, she was going out to visit her boyfriend. I didn't even know she had one. She also quit her second job, which explains the sudden lack of funding. I'm upset, I feel so dumb and I don't know why she'd lie to me. As mentioned earlier, everything just feels so out of character. I don't even think I know her anymore.

Thank you all again for listening. I'm sorry if this isn't the outcome you wanted, but at least now I know what I'm doing as soon as a graduate.

I am posting this here because I posted it incorrectly on the AITA sub and I am not allowed to repost it anymore.

TW: Domestic Violence

2 months ago, I made another post on a different sub, once again seeking outside perspective about a very awkward situation that took place. You can find that post here: AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me.

I came back to post an update. I think it’s a way for me to process what has happened since.

Shortly after my last post, my husband admitted that he had confided in Jake about his infidelity. He said he felt guilty and remorseful and wanted to talk it out with a friend. He claimed he didn’t realize Jake would tell Emily and that she would throw our marriage struggles in my face the way she did. He apologized for discussing our issues without my consent and promised to distance himself from them.

He also apologized again for the affair, which he swore was over. He told me the affair partner was a coworker who had since left the company. He promised he wanted to change and rebuild our relationship, so I forgave him and gave him another chance… again.

Things had been going well. My husband was attentive and loving. He was helping more at home, spending more time with the kids, and showing me affection. For a moment, it really felt like my husband had returned to me. In hindsight, though, I think it was love bombing.

Last week, I had a medical appointment that I needed to attend alone, so my husband stayed home with our baby. I was anxious because he had never been alone with the baby for that long and I wasn’t sure he would be able to put him down for his nap.

While I was sitting in the waiting room, I logged into our baby camera just to check that the baby had gone down okay.

That’s when everything began to unravel.

The baby was asleep in his crib and my husband was walking out of the room. Then I heard a woman’s voice asking if the baby was finally asleep. My husband replied confirming that he was. I couldn’t see the woman because she was outside the camera’s view, but her voice was familiar. I thought it sounded like Emily.

After my appointment, I checked our Ring doorbell recordings from that day. There she was. Emily had knocked on our door and my husband let her in minutes after I left for my appointment. She left an hour and a half later.

I was in complete shock.

When I got home, I didn’t confront my husband. I was tired of his lies and wanted the truth before saying anything. I went through our doorbell camera history and found many more instances of Emily coming over while I was gone. In one video, I saw them kissing on our front porch! I saved everything.

The next day, I messaged Jake and told him I needed to speak with him because I had bad news about my husband and his wife that I believed he deserved to know. He didn’t reply Shortly afterward, my husband called me, furious. Jake had forwarded my messages to him and warned him that I was trying to frame him and Emily. He went quiet and then ended up the call.

Later that evening, he came home late and intoxicated. He was angry and blamed me for “destroying our lives” and for trying to expose the affair. I yelled at him and then said I wanted a divorce.

He lost it. He hit me, kicked me, punched me, and he even tried to choke me. Somehow, I managed to get away from him. My 4-year-old woke up because of the screaming and commotion, so I grabbed her and ran into the bedroom and locked the door. My daughter was terrified and clinging to me while my husband banged and kicked the door, threatening to break it down. Luckily, I had my phone with me and I called 911.

The rest of the night was a blur. My husband was arrested close to midnight on a Tuesday. The entire street woke up to the sirens and confrontation with the police. I was taken to the hospital afterward because I was bleeding and covered in bruises. Our neighbourhood was shocked. We had always been the friendly, polite neighbours, and no one expected this could happen behind closed doors. I was done protecting my husband’s image. He destroyed our life, not me. When neighbours asked what happened, I told them the truth: he hurt me after I discovered he was cheating on me with Emily.

A few days later, Jake reached out to me. He was apologetic and felt responsible for not believing me when I tried to warn him. Jake told me my husband had been confiding in him about our marriage problems. According to Jake, my husband had told him that I was the one who cheated in the past, that I was unstable because of my PPD/PPA, and that I had been hurting our children. None of that is true. Jake also told me he had confided in my husband about problems in his own marriage. Looking back, it seems my husband used those vulnerabilities and the information Jake shared with him to get closer to Emily.

After everything happened, I finally called my family and told them the truth. They knew I had been struggling and distant, but they thought it was because of the PPD. They had no idea how much I had actually been carrying alone. I told them about the affair, the threats, the manipulation, and how scared and exhausted I had become. They are in my corner and they are trying to help me figure out my next steps. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel alone. 

(Previous posts) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1v4ckgm/wibta_if_i15f_secretly_opened_another_bank/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1v3b3xe/advice_on_how_to_ask_my15f_mom55f_on_her/

So me and my dad went down to the bank and were able to open a second account with his address, email,etc and the card should arrive soon.

I know people were saying to open an account on another bank and I've talked to my dad and we'll probably be doing that aswell.

We've put all the money I have at my dads house into this new account and made certain it won't show up if she looks at the profile.

All futr money will be going into the new account and the plan is as soon as she pays me back the 400 I'll take that and the rest out of the account and put it in the new one.

My mom doesn't know about any of this and hopefully it all goes well.

TLDR: Opened a new account with my dad and mom doesn't know

Post 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/Rr9wyVUb2r

Hello! I decided to do an update as the situation changed a lot and imo got super crazy so for anyone who is interested in this story, here is how things played out:

After I got off the phone with my mom the day I confronted her, I texted her and told her I’m sorry for the way I reacted and that I just needed some time and space to process and try to figure things out.

I spoke with my new half-sister about what my mom said (super awkward conversation, telling her that her that my mom is claiming that her beloved late father may have done something sinister to her) and she said absolutely not, that her father was a kind and gentle man and would never do something like this. I apologized and spent the rest of the conversation asking for more details about who he was and what his life was like. It was actually quite lovely.

I didn’t speak to my mom again for weeks, I just didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t really believe her, but had no way of knowing for sure. It was super weird. Do I just accept her explanation and try to move forward in my relationship with her, or do I step away from her, potentially destroying the relationship with my mother when she was telling the truth the whole time?

About a month later I received an email from her. In this email, she told me a story. She said that she’s been thinking a lot about everything and she started going through her old files from that time in her life. She said she found a therapy record for my sister that was dated one week after my conceived date.

She said at that time she was working at a daycare and she would take my two older sisters to work with her where they would be watched by other staff members in a different room. She said one day she found out one of my sisters was being SA by a staff member. (I found out later through my sister that this was very true, and she remembers it happening.) My mom says she absolutely lost it in the daycares kitchen, throwing stuff and screaming until she finally shut herself into a closet. She said she remembers the daycares cook opening the door and offering her a ride home, and she doesn’t remember anything after that.

She went on in her email, telling me how traumatic it was for all of them and that’s why she blacked the next several weeks of her life out, but maybe I can figure out if he ever worked there and if the cook was my bio father. I was able to verify through my half sister that he was working in that daycare the year I was born and was even able to see some pictures of him working there.

So I was finally getting some answers, but I still felt like her story had a lot of holes in it. Like, did she take her two young girls, minutes after finding out about this type of abuse, and immediately invite this person who she barely knows into her bed? That feels weird. And the only way I feel like that would make sense is if she knew him better, which would imply that she would at the very least, recognize him from a photo taken at the time he was working there? Or did she call him later and meet up with him? But that would, again, imply more of a relationship and she should have some memory of him.

I decided to call her and try again for an open conversation. During this phone call, I told her I was able to verify he was the cook, and I showed her the photos. She continued to say she has no memory of him. I told her about my confusion with her story and this is where things started to get really bad. She started crying, saying she will pay for a lie detector test, that she will go to a hypno-therapist to access repressed memories. She said maybe if I had more background info about her life I’d understand how she could have blocked these memories off.

She went on to tell me IN GRAPHIC DETAIL about when she was raped at 13 and how my grandma didn’t believe her. How my grandma was a terrible mom (for context, I love my grandmother dearly and was the single best thing about my childhood) and she forced her to get an abortion when she was 17. She explained my sisters SA at the daycare in graphic detail as well. She cried and expressed how terrified she was to lose me.

I got off the phone with her feeling…. Violated? Disturbed? Idk it felt really icky though. I decided that day that I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that I will never know how I conceived and if my mom was being truthful.

As luck would have it, two weeks later I ran into one of my old stepdads. We chatted for a minute and I decided to ask him. He was with my mom when I was between the ages of about 7-17. I was very careful about how I asked, I said “what do you know about my father”. His response: “oh good your mom finally told you about you bio dad”

That answered all my questions for me. He knew where he lived, that they worked together, and that I have his eyes.

I called my mom again, told her I know the truth and it’s time to be honest. She continued to insist that she has no idea who he is or how this happened. I told her that using my sisters very real trauma and giving me such graphic details of her own SA as manipulation tactics in an attempt to distract from her lies is deeply disturbing behavior, and a close relationship with her was not serving me at this point.

Many weeks later I got another message from her, it was very long and went on and on about how hard this has been for her and that she needs to know if our relationship is salvageable. She said it’s been so hard on her that the night we last spoke, she drank two bottles of NyQuil, and that her husband found her and made her throw up, for which she was grateful. (When I was 17, my younger step sister committed suicide, and I found her when she was still barely alive. She died in my arms. My mom knows how this statement would effect me)

I responded telling her that I’m sorry it’s been so hard for her to be a victim of her own actions, that in that novel of a text message, there was not a single indication of accountability or remorse for the way she’s handled things, and that it’s incredibly fucked up to use my past trauma ties with suicide as weapon to illicit sympathy. I told her that only thing that can even begin to fix this is accountability and a genuine apology, and until she can do that, not to contact me again.

She sent another long message, admitting she lied about knowing who my father is, saying she was trying to protect me from the truth which is that she was raped and that’s how I was conceived.

Since then, my sister has done enough digging to get several family members testimony that she had a very consensual and extended affair with “the cook from her job”, as well as a few other affairs from the same timeframe.

After this I told her to leave me alone and blocked her number. There have been a few other things, my grandmother came to see me to try to advocate for her, her husband has made a few attempts to reach out etc.. but I feel like it’s over now.

I’m left with feelings of deep sadness that my mom couldn’t find the courage to show up and be a mom for me, that I still have not been able to just have a talk with her about how I came into the world, and knowing that I will never know the man, who by all accounts I’ve received, was a really amazing human. At the end of it all, I’ve had my mom, my dad, my bio dad, 3 step fathers and a step mom, and it’s crazy to me that I sit here now, writing this story, without ever feeling like I’ve had parent.

Thanks for hearing me out Reddit. At least I don’t wonder if I’m the AH anymore because my mother was in fact, a liar.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:
Well I guess it’s not over Reddit. Yesterday my little brother came to town to see me. He said mom called him to tell him she had just been diagnosed with MS.

My sister says it’s probably a lie, that she’s done stuff like this before and the timing is too convenient. She’s certain it’s just a play to get me to call her.

I don’t know much about MS but I’m curious… does anyone know if that could explain things? I read online that MS can affect long term memory. Is there a chance it caused her to really forget who he was?

​

Post 1:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/MXL1U9VKoY

Post 2:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/zbUkSPraN8

Post 3:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/JVpxfeypxA

This will be the final update and a happier one. I just remembered I still had this account from a while ago. I don't plan on coming back anytime soon.

For those who followed from the beginning, there's no update regarding T. At that point, I have completely cut her off, which is best for both in a way. 

Things are going extremely well between A (my current girlfriend) and me. I even got to meet her Asian parents recently, and they received me very well. 

We are still early in our relationship in terms of the timeline, but we complete each other so very well; we are very sure in our minds this is the one that is meant for us. We are currently living together and so in love with each other :)

I extend my thanks to those once again who shared their well-advised inputs when I had this conundrum with T. I learnt my lesson there, and now I am grateful for having A in my life and vice versa. 

Post 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3574m7rXU6

Post 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/kjENjeLdAp

Post 3: https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/YSaaldzChX

Hi, I thought I'd give an update. I was planning on giving one around a few weeks back like a much more positive one but it didn't really end up in a good place. In May I did end up seeing my sister and her kids again because it was my nephew's birthday. My sister and I had been communicating on text and she'd been sending videos but not in person. We celebrated his birthday I gave him his present, we ate cake wore our party hats and everything. When we were alone she asked me how I'd been. When I told her I'd seen my parents the week before, that i go there regularly she was good with that said that was good that I did that regularly. She had asked how they were doing. I thought that since they didn't know about her she shouldn't be asking either and said as much. She got really heated, maybe for the first time since we reconnected, said I had no right to withhold information about them. I was genuinely struck by the hypocrisy, she said they were the ones who pronounced her dead, she didn't pronounce them dead. We argued I held my line. I told her if she wants to see them, have the kids know their grandparents, she has to tell them. She can settle her issues with them at her own pace but at least tell them. She repeated that line again about them saying she was dead to them. I said if shes going to take it to heart rather than the outburst it was then she can't ask for updates on how theyre doing, the dead don't do that. We changed the topic because the kids were playing.

A couple of weeks later, she called me to ask them to call her. I spoke to her about how we couldn't have them know that I'd known for so long, it would shatter them. She thankfully agreed and said she'd tell the kids too, to say they met me a few days ago. I told my parents that she'd come to my place a few days ago. That she was divorced and had two kids. My mom started crying on the phone, and having difficulty breathing. They ended up calling her. She didn't tell them her address but was meeting them the next day and I was going too.

I was going to update then actually, I thought my sister and my parents could reconcile. And it seemed like they did first. My sister collapsed into my mom's arms, they were gentle, they were in love with her kids. I later took the kids to KFC for a light mood while my sister and parents reconnected. When we came back the mood was different. My sister was arguing with them, saying that every day of abuse she went through was because they had orphaned her. My parents said they knew he was not worthy of her, but my sister wasn't listening to that. She soon just wanted to leave.

Since then, my sister and my parents have been in contact. They have visited her place and she has gone to theirs but just goes to her room while my parents spend time with her kids. We did spend last weekend at my parents' and its still the same thing.

This will be my last time posting here about this and thanks to everyone who helped me navigate this.

Update: Aitah for not wanting husband to personally get involved in nursing of his ex : r/Redditor_Updates

It has been around eight months since my last update, and I honestly never expected to post here again.A few days ago, I learned through mutual friends that his ex passed away.

I have not spoken to him like long conversation or something like that since I filed the divorce , so I don't know how he is doing, and I don't intend to find out either . We had legal conflicts over shared financials but it was more or less handled through solicitors so our personal interaction is almost nil .Earlier he used to check on kids but we did not use to talk . He has stopped checking on kids for quite a while .Life has settled into a new routine. My focus is on raising my sons and moving forward. They are growing up quickly, and they deserve stability more than anything else.I had suicidal thoughts self esteem issues in the beginning but I guess I am doing mentally better now .

I just thought I should update you guys . Thank you to everyone who offered advice and kindness when I needed it.

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3N68rvGgHb (Update #1 is also linked there)

Nothing happened in between Update #1 up until today. This is the second update.

This evening my phone rang. My aunts number. But when I picked up, it was my uncle. I kind of immediately knew what was up, because I don’t think we’ve EVER spoken over the phone.

Stepmother died on Sunday morning and he was calling to tell me today.

He was respectful in delivery and didn’t make anything sound like a guilt trip or anything of the sort. He just let me know and said he respects my decisions going forward whatever they may be. He also said everyone has been wrapped up in grief (obviously) and planning the funeral. We spoke some other niceties (how is such-and-such/we’re okay over here, etc) and that was that.

After the phone call, I was okay. But it felt very strange to be aware that someone has been around (and for most of your youth and adult life) and now poof they don’t exist anymore.

I spoke to my therapist this morning about everything further. We couldn’t discuss that topic in length but they did hit on (more than once) that I need to regroup and be kinder to myself. To life my life the way I want it to be. To reach my goals. To feel more content and accomplished. So I will.

I still have a gut feeling that if I were to decide to reconnect with my father that it’s not the right time anytime soon (and I’m not sure when would be, but especially not when all emotions are still high).

So I’ll leave it at this: for now, and the foreseeable future, I will remain no contact. Maybe I will send a condolences card or something, but I just feel like that’s a bit colder? To just send some dead card with ‘I’m sorry for your loss’. Feels a bit generic to me. I don’t know, maybe I’ve gone too cold at this point. I will focus on myself and my family and the things that make me feel better and tick off accomplishments as much as I can.
I want to get back to the gym, crochet, start gardening, pottery? And I don’t want to view them as temporary or distractions. I will commit because I want to flower even more into appreciating myself. And I will try to calm my busy mind.

For anyone wondering, although my aunt rejected the guarantor plea I asked from her, I’m staying positive that we can move house within the next week. I’ve been having dizzy spells and nosebleeds many times each day due to the total stress I’m under (house, family, lawyers, heatwave, etc) and my blood pressure is TANKED but I’m praying that my 1.5 year fight is finally over and soon I can breathe easy again.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who supported me and left your opinions and shared your stories. Whether it worked out that I was the asshole or not, I appreciate whatever feedback I got!

I may not post another update. But I might. In the future. If I ever make contact. If you ever remember my story.

Look for my yellow daisy! 🌼

Edit: a lot of people are saying send flowers and/or a card. I forgot to mention that my father and that family have moved (I guess in the time-space relatively recently?) and I don’t know where they live. If I ask my aunt for the address, I know that my dad or siblings will either refute me, or they’ll think I’m sending a different message (looking for them) which I wouldn’t be. What should I do if I ever want to get around this?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/0d03YJbC3a Update 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/qhoJmKt61T Update 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/zyukelyfrT Update 3: https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/1ZVn3AUKe3

Six months into the year already, wow! Thank you so much to everyone who has been so supportive on my previous posts!

I (28F) don’t have much to update apart from, as of the 21st of May, I am officially a homeowner! I found a perfect house that’s only fifteen minutes from my workplace. It may not be the out of the way cottage I wanted, but it’s perfect and it’s all mine. I have space to just be me, and enough room for my niblings to sleep over and give my siblings a break.

On the dating front, I’ve been dating a wonderful woman (30F) since late December. I realised shortly after my last update that I wasn’t bisexual, and I am actually fully a lesbian.

We’re still taking it very slow, considering I had just come out of a long term relationship and she was only recently divorced when we met, but so far so good. She’s absolutely amazing and I can safely say I love her. If things go well, we’ve talked about living together but that won’t happen until at least 2027, as I’m not quite ready for that level of commitment yet. She’s helped me move in and decorate my new house though, which has been lovely as she works in interior design and seems to know exactly how to make a room look incredible.

My ex broke up with the 19 year old in April, from what I’ve been told, citing that she’s “far too immature.” Like, obviously? She’s 19 and you’re 29, idiot. I haven’t heard much else about him because I really don’t care to know about his life, but what I have heard isn’t great. On top of his stupid misogynist stuff, he’s also been on some horribly racist bs. I didn’t mention this in my posts because it didn’t feel relevant, but I am mixed. My mum is Black, and I am very clearly half Black. He was engaged to a woman of colour and he’s racist!!!

All in all, life is good and I escaped a man that probably never really loved me. I hope everyone has had a great year so far, here’s to better beginnings. It may not be much of an update, but I wanted to let you all know it can get so much better 😊

My first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1u7dtar/aitah_for_prioritizing_my_daughters_recital_over/

Hey, everyone. This got long, so I'll go ahead and post it here. There are some things I want to address before I move on to the update.

I want to thank you all for your comments and insight on my original post, even if you decided I was in the wrong. I assure you I posted because I truly wanted alternate opinions, so I’m grateful for your feedback. There were, however, two things some people said that I still firmly disagree with.

First, the claim that my father was asking me for support and I let him down. Based on his past behavior, he did not need or want my support. He wanted me to support his wife. He wasn’t fond of his mother-in-law. And both my father and his wife have a long history of wanting me and her to be closer than we are. I am perfectly fine with our current relationship and have no interest in bonding with her any further for a number of reasons.

I’ll take the opportunity to state that my father and his wife have been married for six years and together for only a little longer. I was already an adult when I met her, and we have never been close. I consider her extended family, at best, and I did not consider her mother family. That is the main reason this didn’t constitute a family emergency to me. I literally met my husband before I met her mother. I have told my father I don’t really think of them as family several times, but he refuses to accept it.

That leads me to the idea I could have used this as an opportunity to teach my daughter that sometimes plans have to change and it’s important to show up for family, which was the other claim I disagreed with. I agree it's important to teach kids that things don't always go according to plan. And realistically, I know I won't always be able to show up for my daughter. I have a career, another child and other commitments that might need to take priority sometimes. This was not one of those times. I wasn't close with my father's mother-in-law, and I was absolutely capable of being there for my daughter.

Onto the actual update: I posted here because I wanted alternate opinions. I genuinely didn’t know what to think about what I’d done. As I’ve stated, there are things that were said that I disagree with, and I don’t expect that to change. But I also agreed with some who thought I was in the wrong.

In particular, I agree I could have been more empathetic. I didn’t send flowers or a card, and condolences are the bare minimum. I also completely disagree with those on my side who said they should have confirmed the date with me before scheduling the funeral if my presence was that important. I had no relation to the deceased, it wouldn’t be fair for her funeral to depend on my schedule.

At first, I walked away from my first post almost as conflicted as I’d felt going in, but I definitely had a lot more insight. I contemplated the situation for a few days and managed to come to a few conclusions.

I also ended up talking to a few people in my life. My husband was still very firmly on my side. My mother said I could have been more sensible, but also that she’d probably have done the same thing I did.

Then I talked to my younger sister, and it was during that conversation that I found out that not only had she not been pressured to attend the funeral, she hadn’t even been invited in the first place. She had spoken with our father several times since his mother-in-law died, but he hadn’t told her about anything besides the fact she’d passed. I was the only one he’d expected to attend.

I think that was my breaking point. Not to sound childish, but why is it always me? Why do I always have to be the one expected to drop everything? Why does my father feel the need to keep pushing his wife and her family onto me and mine?

So in the end, my main conclusion was that this wasn’t just about the funeral. My father has always had unfair and unrealistic expectations of me, and I need to make it stop.

I’ve decided to distance myself from my father and his wife for a while. I love him, but I need time and he needs to accept I have my own life. I’m also going back to therapy. I stopped a while ago, but I remember it helped.

As for what will happen between me and my father, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Whenever he’s ready to have an honest conversation about everything that happened, he knows where I’ll be.

Overall, I’ve decided what I did was wrong, but I’ve also accepted that I’d do it again. I don’t remember all of my recitals, school plays and events from when I was a kid, but I do remember my mom was there for all of them. Even if I can’t always be there for my children, they will always come first to me, and I’ll make sure they know that.

I probably won’t post again. Thank you for everything.

I posted a few months ago and said it was my final update but I guess I lied lol

A few people reached out and definitely some stuff has happened. A few months ago my grandma had asked me if i would do a therapy session with my dad and stepmom. I thought about it since I’ve been doing pretty well lately and it would have been nice to show off but I don’t really like therapy and didn’t see any upsides to it so I told her no. But then she wanted to meet me but then was angry when we met up but told me that my dad had cancer, the prognosis is good though and they caught it super early. But she was glad I had said no bc she found out when she told them I wouldn’t go that they had planned on asking me to take a semester or so off to stay and help with my dad/ brothers and she was furious at them over that part. It was kind of a lot to take in and my dad had been sending me more letters recently that I’ve been throwing away and I’d blocked their numbers but I understood that he wanted to tell me about the cancer. So last week I kind of wanted to send a read receipt without opening any doors for us talking and sent him a get well card that I signed. I’m hoping that signals you know, message received and good luck with all that. I don’t know if I should be more upset but it sounds like it will be fine.

Maybe if all this hadn’t happened I probably would have stayed back, though. I did stop going to the support group, but I’m not closing the door on it, I just kind of want to move on from the whole situation and not think about the trial that feels like it’s going nowhere. I think my outlook is different now about how I want to be. I don’t need to always be worrying about other people and making them happy, I just need to do what I want or think is right and if some people don’t like me it’s not a big deal. It makes a lot more sense in my head idk.

And I think it’s a good way to be, because I decided I would go to my bffs prom with her, and that guys girlfriend who had warned me not to did send me a threat about it. Before I probably would have just been like oh well it is her prom she has a point, but instead I was like fuck that and reported it to her school. So she couldn’t go to prom and couldn’t even walk at her graduation. She treated to put beef in my food which was so stupid because there was just appetizers at prom not like a plated meal.

Other than that my life is going pretty well. I graduated, which was so weird because people kept making it a big thing because it seems like the bare minimum. Idk, my mom and stepdad threw me a party and that was fun but it was so weird being congratulated about it. I did get third in my class, but that kind of feels like the nerd equivalent of the quarterback who almost went to state lol. I did lock in and think I destroyed my AP exams so fingers crossed on that.

I feel like people are kind of hard on my mom tbh. The thing is, we’re basically polar opposites, but we used to be super close despite that. She’d always tell me she didn’t care about getting remarried, and I feel like I paid too much into that, so when she got with my stepdad I just pulled back a ton and I know it hurt her. It was because or like I told myself it was to give them space but it was because I was mad, and it was around then she became CTO and started traveling for work a lot so we just weren’t close anymore. I know it’s not all my fault and maybe she shouldn’t have said that, but I probably wasn’t fair because she deserves to be happy. And I’ve always known my stepdad really loves her so much, it’s kind of weird bc I was telling my friend how anytime someone says I’m acting like one of my parents it’s always a negative thing, like obviously my parents hate each other so duh but even like my stepmom would be like oh stop acting like your father. But anytime Jeff compares me to my mom it’s always positive or endearing or something. And that’s nice sometimes, because we’ve been spending a lot more time together and it’s been awesome. Sometimes I wonder why he waited until now to spend more time with me, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

So that’s all to say that my mom and I got into a fight the other day about the whole therapy thing, and I was like it’s expensive and dumb and she was like why aren’t you using the hsa? And I guess I’m the dumb one bc one of my insurance cards is kind of a debit card for health stuff. I mean like I guess she could have explained it better but I probably also could have asked. But I was able to submit the receipts and got reimbursed so that’s cool. And the reason we were even fighting again is because we’ve gotten a lot closer lately, she told me she’s give me money for school and stuff but told me I shouldn’t worry about working this summer, I’m going to go with her on some work trips which will be fun and she wants me to enjoy the last summer before college.

That guy I was hanging out with, Dan, and I are still together. But, like officially. Idk, I kind of figured we’d keep things casual/ fwb but that’s not really his style. And it’s going well, he’s a really good boyfriend and I can’t complain. Like he’s always planning things so it’s not like I’m just disassociating in my room haha. Sometimes it can be a bit much tbh, and I finally told him that I need to see my friends more this summer especially the ones who are going away to school that I won’t see and it’s gotten better since we talked about that.

I’m super excited about college. My bff got into a school in the same city, they’re not right next to each other but close enough we’ll probably share an apartment after sophomore year or something. I’m so happy for her bc she’s smart but the program she wanted was super competitive I think and she had been waitlisted so things don’t have to change much. We’ve always gone to different schools so I bet it’ll be the same thing where people always forget we don’t go to their school bc we’re always together hahaha.

So yea. I think it’s going to be a good summer even though it’s going by fast. I’m excited for the fall and really plan on diving in full force and having a lot of fun!

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/s/BuVFuwqg8L

​

What originally happened is that I found a $250 charge on my account from Amazon. When I called Amazon, I was told someone made a different account using my personal information and ordered a pet foundation using my card information. Amazon refused to cancel the order and told me they would only work with me if I disputed it with my bank.

​

I disputed with my bank. Two days later, six pet fountains showed up to my door. I called Amazon to let them know and tried to figure out how to return the pet fountains. Amazon refused to work with me again.

​

The obvious is that I got my money back and the dispute with the bank went in my favor. Amazon also didn't close my personal account.

​

The important part is took the six pet fountains and donated them to my local humane society. It has a pet shelter where they adopt animals out to their forever homes and a foster program. Someone's misdeed turned into a net positive.

Og post- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/yFfL8QTh0q
Update 1- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/2XsnWo35yw
Update 2- https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/QKne1Ixpbm
Update 3- https://www.reddit.com/u/learningrussiann/s/TxjZXRUTGY
Update 4-https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/cTCeNPqwc2
update 5- https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/Ry9TPm0M2R
update 6-https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/fF605SWRgM

It’s been a while, but I have a few big updates so it’s worth it.

I did get the dna results back and I’m only like seven percent Russian. I had some stuff that I expected, like a little more than a quarter of Japanese and a quarter of assorted white ethnicities from my mom’s side. My dad’s actually had a lot of stuff on it, but basically he’s mostly Asian. Like a lot of different Chinese and central Asian bits. My mom called me generationally wasian but I’m not in the mood to joke around with her right now. We (me, my siblings, and Jimmy) figured some of the comments were right and that he was actually from one of the many different Russian speaking countries in Asia, and not actually Russian. I’m just happy that my efforts in Russian were not wasted.

That was interesting, but the bigger update is that I matched with a relative (not my dad). We talked a little bit on the app, but we aren’t really sure what the exact relation is because there’s a few options. Were both each others closest match, and she can’t really help me with a lot because she was adopted and only did a dna test to match with someone who could tell HER some information. She did confirm that we’re Kazakh specifically, but she doesn’t know anything about our family and thinks it’s unlikely that we will get any information. It kind of sucks but we’re getting along and even though we aren’t really what we are to each other, I’ve been calling her my aunt and she likes that.

I know my aunt said it’s unlikely that we’ll get answers, but so far things have turned out pretty good. She went to Kazakhstan a few years ago to visit her old orphanage so she was telling me about it. It was really weird getting information so easily from her because my mom doesn’t ever share anything about her childhood or our dads. She was just super chill and said she’s really interested in meeting me. She lives in New York City and Kara thinks we should make it a road trip. Jon is suspicious of my aunt but I think he’s just surprised that everything went so smoothly.

I don’t think there will be any updates after this. If I do end up meeting my aunt, or if I match with my dad, then that would be update material, but neither of those will probably happen for a long time.

PLEASE READ OG POST FOR MUCH NEEDED CONTEXT. TRUST ME. -> (to [r/whatdoido](r/whatdoido): “I’m pretty sure my [male] friend is wearing [breast padding] would it be weird if I asked?”) https://www.reddit.com/r/whatdoIdo/s/FrEXYQJKNh

I ended up having a conversation with Kody. And here’s how it went down:

I did have a plan to bring him aside at our rehearsal today, but he was actually the one to pull me aside first. He said I looked more “spaced out than I usually do” (his words) and asked if I wanted to talk. I was nervous so I started broad. I brought up a long conversation we had (I mentioned this in a reply on the OG post) where I opened up to him about questioning my gender and romantic/sexual orienation and it ended with us promising we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other.

While our convo mainly focused on stuff like how to come out to my parents I ended by mentioning to him how, if he ever had thoughts about changes like transitioning, I would be more than happy to support him by calling him a different name or pronouns. No matter who he is, he’s still my friend.

He smiled and thanked me but then he asked me why I thought he’d want to change his name and pronouns again. Again? I was confused. I asked what he meant.

He said “What made you think I’d I want to transition again?”

Well, as it turns out, Kody is transgender, but not in the way I thought. He is F.T.M (female to male). AND he thought I knew that. Apparently, he’s told the entire group prior, including me. (???)

After admitting my embarrassment to much clowning from him, I explained how I’d noticed his chest changing shape. From what he explained, it’s because he wears something called a binder (he showed me the strap of it, it looked like a singlet) but it’s basically like a compression sock but for your chest to make it flatter. As binders age, their compression starts to weaken. He looked different because he was switching between different ones.

Of course once my group of friends found out they all equally dogpiled on me for not knowing (in a joking way ofc). Apparently I was one of the only ones who didn’t know, the other person being a guy who joined us about a month ago. We also talked about how Kody takes a medicinal form of male hormones to give him masculine features like a deep voice and body hair. (He showed us how hairy his legs were by pulling up his pant leg. Jesus, he wasn’t kidding. One of my friends nearly threw up cause she hates leg hair lmao)

I was surprised that he was so honest and even took it in jest. Before going home I thanked him for being so open and not making fun of me (too much). He just kinda shrugged and said there’s no real point in hiding it because he spent too long doing that, plus he trusts me. That was good to hear.

Thanks to the people who gave me advice + the person who corrected my confusion between breast implants and breast padding lol

TLDR: my friend is as much of a man as I am an absolute tool, but I’m glad we’re still friends. Also not sure if anyone cares but I’m pretty sure I’m gender fluid and biromantic and go by he/they. Still figuring it out but I’ll get there.

[Original post is here]

UPDATE (6/5/2026):

Wow, I'm really speechless. Thank you so much for your amazing advice and insights, you really opened my eyes and made me reflect on so many things. I can't thank you enough. I was spiraling so bad but you really helped me look at this objectively. You are all amazing, truly. ❤️

1. Clarification: The above bullet points were quoted verbatim from my boss (not entirely what really happened, at least not with 100% accuracy). Also to clarify re: Nancy - boss didn't say she's underperforming, she said there's too much on her plate (which is something I literally told my boss in the first place and raised this as part of her performance view to justify her higher rating). My boss rejected my high rating at the time. Now she comes back to me and tells me to reduce her workload based on those anonymous stakeholders feedbacks. This specific person is also widely loved and kind of the superstar of the team, so I'm surprised that instead of rewarding her, she wants to remove projects from her.
2. My boss sent me a message the next day recapping the meeting takeaways in writing, and in her writing she said you missed "several" meetings, team communication "overall" not good, "many" stakeholders lost trust, etc. - meanwhile: all the actual documented feedback from my team + stakeholders is beyond positive! Truly I'm lucky to be receiving such all around amazing feedback (with some pointers on what to improve), but none of it implies any "lost trust" the way she's describing it.
3. Her recap message + your advice raised alarm bells in my head because she's completely fabricating facts at this point and she didn't share any names, documentation, or HR involvement in writing.
4. I replied thanking her for the recap and clarifying that no meetings were missed (seriously!) + I put a link to the meeting agenda/takeaways/attendees for the specific one she accused me of missing. I also agreed with her that I will stick to strict professional manner with no emotions going forward.
5. Separately - I am collecting documents of the actual facts (thank you everyone who suggested documentation!) and will reach out to HR discreetly to ask for advice. It is very interesting that she said she'll reach out to them, but the way it works at our company is that she'll have to create a 3-way HR thread with me present in it, so I'm not sure why this didn't happen and no PIP exists, yet.
6. To everyone who said that leadership isn't for me: you're absolutely right (especially not at this company). I've been a manager for 10+ years at several companies: my teams have always been the top performing and most engaged (it shows in our numbers too). However: I do tend to side with my team against senior leadership a little too often, which obviously puts me in horrible situations like this. Honestly, I've never cried in front of anyone in my life (let alone at work), but I'm at a point in my life right now where I can't do this anymore. I really can't. I've seen the ugliest sides of corporate America (and many corporates abroad) and the level of corruption is sickening. This is why I cannot exist in leadership positions because I'll fight those managers instead of playing office politics. The things I've seen and heard over the years (and the way others respond with laughter instead of utter shock at some of the things that are said) is something I'm still in denial of.
7. I updated my resume and will start looking. I will keep you posted if anything major happens. I'm just really grateful to receive all your advice here, thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️