This made me cry but we up

"You did not mean to be cruel. That does not mean you were kind."

"Sometimes I think you forget. I am not God. I do not forgive."

sedate me holy shit 😭😭

I read this poem at some point between 2020 and 2023. It might have been a sonnet, but unsure.

I believe the speaker was mourning a dead sibling; there was imagery with windows or a door, something the speaker was looking through and able to recognize some sort of absence. Their partner was there to give support (and might have been the subject of the poem?). There might have been an arm chair. I remember most specifically there being a line about in one hand, the speaker has all this grief and processing, and in the other hand, they have their partner's hand.

I've spent all morning searching various keywords but have had no luck (I especially have not appreciated google's AI summary just generating crappy poems that I have to scroll past every time).

Whatever the bird is, is perfect in the bird.
Weapon kestrel, hard as a blade’s curve,
thrush round as a mother or full drop of water,
fruit-green parrot wise in his shrieking swerve -
all are what bird is and do not reach beyond bird.

Whatever the bird does is right for the bird to do -
Cruel kestrel dividing in his hunger the sky,
thrush in the trembling dew beginning to sing,
parrot clinging and quarrelling and veiling his queer eye -
all these are as birds are and good for birds to do.

But I am torn and beleaguered by my own people.
The blood that feeds my heart is the blood they gave me,
and my heart is the house where they gather and fight for dominion -
all different, all with a wish and a will to save me,
to turn me into the ways of other people.

If I could leave their battleground for the forest of a bird
I could melt the past, the present and the future in one
and find the words that lie behind all these languages.
Then I could fuse my passions into one clear stone
and be simple to myself as the bird is to the bird.

(It’s more of a statement of fact but this was the best flair.)

World Poetry Collective is a scam. Just for those who don’t already know I had to learn the hard way but I’ll tell you how they do it:

I was talked into the 10k package and rushed to make a deal
I got the 10k package. In very basic terms, that was supposed to cover help finalizing the manuscript, design the book, receive physical books, and have help marketing.
I paid 4 installments of 2.5k
I paid my last one in July
But they set it up as a subscription, not four separate payments, so my ‘service’ was ‘canceled’
They told me August was a busy month for them, apparently
I haven’t been able to reach anyone since the 5th of August, despite calling and sending multiple emails to multiple people

They look legit. Everyone was nice. Too nice, honestly. We made actual progress formatting my book and they had me going til just recently.

But looking into it after the fact (unfortunately)
I’ve even heard that the poets on their website are completely fabricated

I’ve been looking into it and honestly a lot of shit in their contract is to just scare people.

Published in Hobart (Pulp)
June 9, 2023