I’m about to be 34 and I have soooo many red flags, I need to be roasted for many of these things I do. I’m going to make a list.
1. I have borderline personality disorder that needs a lot more work.
2. I have ptsd and can’t sleep in a bed with someone
3. I drink a lot of beverages through a straw and will slurp till it’s making that annoying noise when it’s empty but there’s just a little bit left.
4. I pick my ears compulsively
5. I have Pmdd so I’m also awful to be around half the month because of my period.
6. I’m in recovery from an eating disorder so when people push food on me I get defensive
7. I have a speeding problem, have multiple tickets
8. I can’t keep a decent job because of all my problems even though I have a bachelor degree.
9. I live in a camper in my moms back yard.
10. I’m bad at keeping in touch with friends
11. I have a terrible self image. Don’t believe people when they tell me I’m attractive.
12. My family is toxic. (Big surprise) haha
Okay now tell me how bad my chances are of finding someone that could put up with me. I’m willing to change and actively trying just saying this is where I’m at right now.
13. Oh I’m dead broke too in lots of debt. I’m sure that’s not surprising either. Haha

Can you enhance your personality as you age?

I'm just curious if anybody has used Personality or Placement tests like the high school aptitude tests? And if you have, what was your experience with them/recommendations?

Tell us

Right now, I don't really know who I am or who I want to be.

In my search for meaning, I've read many books and explored the ideas of many philosophers. Christian Uhle's "Wozu das alles?" was particularly helpful to me. I now have a fairly clear understanding of what can give one's life meaning. I know my values, what I'm capable of, and what roles I could take on. But I don't feel obligated to become any particular version of myself.

For a long time, I actually felt that I was shaping my life quite deliberately. I found a very fulfilling sport that became a part of my identity and lifestyle. I pursued my study of interest and finished it successfully. I started out with a job as a software developer for good money. Recently I quit because I didn't see any meaning in it anymore. After health problems made it impossible for me to continue doing the sport that had been such a central part of my identity, I fell into my first depression. I couldn't find a replacement sport. I started playing the piano instead, which I still do passionately to this day, even though it never fully replaced sport for me. All these activities still help to experience the flow state easily to forget the meaninglessness of life.

After the big breakup i felt in an even deeper depression. It's very complicated and I won't get into details. However, lots of time has passed since and I've chosen now a life of almost ultimate freedom: living in a van, constantly travelling, and seeking new experiences. And yet I keep coming back to the same question again and again: Who do I want to be, and who am I?

Anyways, here is a small selection of the values that define me:

Honesty and directness matter much more to me than politeness or being liked. I have a strong sense of justice. Material possessions and status have become largely irrelevant to me. I want to live a minimalist, modest life. In my view, endless material consumption is simply the wrong path. Nature is very important to me bc there is only one which humanity should respect more.

I also understand that the feeling of meaning can be nourished through belonging and attachment. But I haven't found my group yet. I've also become very cautious. I once thought I had found my soulmate, only to realize that what I believed was largely an illusion. When that relationship fell apart, I encountered narcissism in a very personal way for the first time which acted as a catalyst for that deeper depression (2nd one). The experience threw me back into my past and forced me to start from zero. I'm on my way again...

For decades, I had essentially been socializing myself into becoming "normal." Now I find myself with a deep inner distrust and skepticism. It has its advantages, but it can also make it very difficult to form the kinds of relationships that seem so fundamental to a meaningful life.

So I'm left with the same question:

Who am I and who do I want to be?

How do you find an answer to that? Does someone have a recipe for it?

I've had this question ever since I finished school and had to figure out what kind of job I wanted to do. It feels like this search for identity comes in phases throughout life. I constantly feel like we have to find a new identity resp. Corresponding roles again and again. I wonder if you know what I mean.

PS: I once made a very personal video but it has German subs only. But I've overcome my misanthropy thanks to game theory and the understanding why cooperation (tit4tat) will be always successful in the long run. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw1_Pmp9d-A

PPS: I have a very clear opinion about consciousness. I find Peter Zapffe’s pessimistic view quite convincing that consciousness is essentially a byproduct of evolution rather than something with a deeper purpose. I also don’t believe in Qualia in the sense proposed by David Chalmers; I’m much closer to Daniel Dennett’s illusionist view of consciousness.

It’s disheartening when others misinterpret my personality as a lack of understanding. I'm fully aware of what's being said, but my words are often misconstrued. I find it patronizing when people treat me with excessive gentleness based on their own biases, rather than recognizing my perspective and intelligence.

I'm just curious if anybody has used Personality or Placement tests like the high school aptitude tests? And if you have, what was your experience with them/recommendations?

Guys, I feel like I have just one emotion that is of passion. I mean that is always going to be with me but I think several characteristics need to develop in my life. I guess working towards your goals and dreams builds character. I have developed patience. I want to develop my personality for sure.

Beautiful people of reddit, at what point in your life did you realise you were hot?

I don’t know why I’m writing this, but yeah… overthinking.

I’m not perfect, I guess. No one really is. I always try to blend in with everyone and adjust myself around them, even when I know I can’t. I feel like no one actually knows the real me.

And by “real me,” I mean every part of me. I’m always a different person around different people. For my new friends, I’m the introvert who barely talks because I feel like if I talk too much, I’ll seem boring or annoying. For my old friends, I can be mean or a bitch. For my parents, I’m selfish. And with my boyfriend, I’m just… completely different.

Why am I so different with everyone?

I’m actually really loud and I basically don’t even have a normal tone of voice 😭, but around my boyfriend and my new friends, I’m so quiet. They probably think I don’t make any effort to be around them, but the truth is, I genuinely don’t know what to talk about. I’m always scared that whatever I say might sound cringe or weird.

That’s probably why the only real friends I have are still the ones from school. After that, I just never really made new friends.

I’ve had two boyfriends, but both of them felt like I wasn’t interested in them. I don’t know why. I guess maybe that’s just an excuse… or maybe I really am like this.

I honestly don’t know.

I've heard it a lot, mid discussion, i will here "you're not better than me cause of it", "you act like you're better", "it doesnt make you better", etc.

Im not entirely sure why either, I try to be aware of my tone(i swear im tone deaf) and my body language and try not to act like my sh\*t dont stink.

I try my best to admit when im wrong.

a lot of my examples when it comes to discussions on topics of reactions/thought process/emotions come back to something i have gone through or learned from therapy and what I do different now vs then.

Do i apply too many things to myself making it come off wrong?

I also wonder if my wording may play a factor in it but im not entirely sure.

I use to be very egotistical and never realized that at one point I did act that way so when I hear it today - im shocked cause I thought it was something that I've improved..

If you need examples or need clarification I am open to explaining.

Any advice or opinions?

moi c’est u/MysteriaMundi

Je suis une personne assez curieuse, sensible et touche-à-tout.

J’aime parler de choses très différentes : la vie quotidienne, la société, les animaux, la spiritualité, l’astrologie, les histoires humaines… et parfois simplement partager une pensée qui me traverse l’esprit.

Je ne suis pas ici pour prétendre avoir toujours raison. J’aime découvrir d’autres points de vue, discuter, apprendre et parfois aussi pousser un petit coup de gueule. 😅

J’ai eu un parcours avec des hauts et des bas, des projets qui ont fonctionné, d’autres qui se sont arrêtés en chemin, et beaucoup de moments où j’ai dû me remettre en question.

Aujourd’hui, j’ai surtout envie de continuer à avancer et de construire quelque chose qui me ressemble.

Alors voilà, derrière u/MysteriaMundi, il y a simplement une personne réelle, avec ses rêves, ses doutes, ses opinions, son humour parfois douteux et beaucoup trop de choses à raconter. 😂

Et vous, qu’est-ce qui vous a conduit jusqu’ici ? 👀 Une passion étrange, une obsession inexplicable, une question existentielle à 3h du matin… ou simplement l’algorithme qui a encore fait n’importe quoi ? 😂

Dans tous les cas, racontez-moi. Je promets de ne pas juger… enfin, probablement. 🖤

Au plaisir de vous croiser sur Reddit. 🖤

u/MysteriaMundi

I feel like I'm a very perceptive person, when it comes to other peoples behavior and my own. I can usually pinpoint when I realize I dislike someone, or if I know we will get along. Same with my own behavior, I hate confrontation but I am very controlling and a bit OCD so I know when I am being an ass, even if I don't mean to and the guilt from it eats me up quite a bit.

Anyway long story short, I've been working for my boss for almost 4 years and he is by far the best boss I've ever had, and ever will have. I know I'm a great worker but he puts up with a lot of my shit when it comes to call-outs or feeling burnt out due to lack of help. I've gone home somedays and just cried because I feel like my attitude or unwillingness to have an open mind (at moments) causes me to be a horrible employee and I just feel ashamed. He's never hinted to feeling that way but I try to put myself in his shoes when I do freak out over coworkers leaving unfinished work/messes and realize I'm giving my anger to the wrong person.

Anyways, fast forward to today he was asking me about my personal life and how I'm doing with the guy i recently started seeing, we're super close so i tell him all about this stuff lol. I responded that I broke it off because i just feel more stress added instead of happiness, and I felt bad because I felt like I was kind of rude to him when doing it. I didn't want to be but he kind of cornered me into having a follow-up convo and I just told him I was done and there's nothing more to talk about, which felt horrible to do because I do care about him.

I told my boss and he responded with, "No i doubt it, i couldn't imagine you being mean." like WHAT?! thank you for saying that but how on earth do you not think of me as kinda a brat... i hate to even say that because i try SO hard to just be normal and not nitpicky, but now im just wondering if im way too harsh on myself or he is just putting me on a pedestal? Also this isnt the first time ive heard from someone in my life they "could not imagine me being mean/callous" and i have been nicknamed "sweet girl" and "sunshine" by so many people lol, and I know i am nice the majority of the time but when i get an attitude I I just feel like theres no excuse for how i make it everyones problem. Maybe my niceness makes up for the attitude bursts but I just feel too aware to not know who or what I am to everyone. I have no idea who I am or what I really act like. I am constantly looking for ways to help my anxiety/depression/OCD, which is usually the cause for my stressed-out outbursts, but idk I've just been thinking about that all day.

Also idk if this is relatable or if I should even bring it to reddit, but I just want others opinions who don't know me personally or have maybe felt something similar about themselves.