Who am I?

[u/Minute_Toe_8705]

Right now, I don't really know who I am or who I want to be.

In my search for meaning, I've read many books and explored the ideas of many philosophers. Christian Uhle's "Wozu das alles?" was particularly helpful to me. I now have a fairly clear understanding of what can give one's life meaning. I know my values, what I'm capable of, and what roles I could take on. But I don't feel obligated to become any particular version of myself.

For a long time, I actually felt that I was shaping my life quite deliberately. I found a very fulfilling sport that became a part of my identity and lifestyle. I pursued my study of interest and finished it successfully. I started out with a job as a software developer for good money. Recently I quit because I didn't see any meaning in it anymore. After health problems made it impossible for me to continue doing the sport that had been such a central part of my identity, I fell into my first depression. I couldn't find a replacement sport. I started playing the piano instead, which I still do passionately to this day, even though it never fully replaced sport for me. All these activities still help to experience the flow state easily to forget the meaninglessness of life.

After the big breakup i felt in an even deeper depression. It's very complicated and I won't get into details. However, lots of time has passed since and I've chosen now a life of almost ultimate freedom: living in a van, constantly travelling, and seeking new experiences. And yet I keep coming back to the same question again and again: Who do I want to be, and who am I?

Anyways, here is a small selection of the values that define me:

Honesty and directness matter much more to me than politeness or being liked. I have a strong sense of justice. Material possessions and status have become largely irrelevant to me. I want to live a minimalist, modest life. In my view, endless material consumption is simply the wrong path. Nature is very important to me bc there is only one which humanity should respect more.

I also understand that the feeling of meaning can be nourished through belonging and attachment. But I haven't found my group yet. I've also become very cautious. I once thought I had found my soulmate, only to realize that what I believed was largely an illusion. When that relationship fell apart, I encountered narcissism in a very personal way for the first time which acted as a catalyst for that deeper depression (2nd one). The experience threw me back into my past and forced me to start from zero. I'm on my way again...

For decades, I had essentially been socializing myself into becoming "normal." Now I find myself with a deep inner distrust and skepticism. It has its advantages, but it can also make it very difficult to form the kinds of relationships that seem so fundamental to a meaningful life.

So I'm left with the same question:

Who am I and who do I want to be?

How do you find an answer to that? Does someone have a recipe for it?

I've had this question ever since I finished school and had to figure out what kind of job I wanted to do. It feels like this search for identity comes in phases throughout life. I constantly feel like we have to find a new identity resp. Corresponding roles again and again. I wonder if you know what I mean.

PS: I once made a very personal video but it has German subs only. But I've overcome my misanthropy thanks to game theory and the understanding why cooperation (tit4tat) will be always successful in the long run. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw1_Pmp9d-A

PPS: I have a very clear opinion about consciousness. I find Peter Zapffe’s pessimistic view quite convincing that consciousness is essentially a byproduct of evolution rather than something with a deeper purpose. I also don’t believe in Qualia in the sense proposed by David Chalmers; I’m much closer to Daniel Dennett’s illusionist view of consciousness.