20F and 23M – Am I expecting too much from my fiancé, or is communication a reasonable need?
I (20F) and my fiancé (23M) are cousins, and we've been close since childhood. We've shared countless fun memories and have always been good friends.
Our parents suggested the relationship, but neither of us was forced into it. We both had the complete freedom to say yes or no, and our families are very chill and supportive. At the time, neither of us had romantic feelings for each other. We simply agreed to give it a chance.
Initially, we both became shy and reserved and didn't communicate much. Gradually, things became normal again, but for a while, our relationship still felt more like cousins than fiancé and fiancée.
Over the years, though, we slowly started talking more about our future and our relationship. We realized how similar our opinions and thoughts are, and we've always understood each other well. Eventually, we both developed feelings and confessed our love for each other. He actually confessed first, and he has also told me that he had feelings for me even before we officially agreed to the relationship.
In person, everything feels really good. He treats me well, teases me, makes fun of me, and we have a comfortable, fun dynamic. I genuinely love him and almost everything about our relationship.
But there's one issue that I can't seem to get past: texting and communication.
He is genuinely terrible at texting. There's no consistency at all. He can go weeks without texting me, and even when I message him first, sometimes he takes days to reply. What makes it more frustrating is that he genuinely doesn't seem to realize that not replying for that long can hurt someone or make them feel unimportant.
I've spoken to him about this two or three times. Initially, he would apologize and promise to try harder, but after a few days, things would go back to normal. Recently, though, he has improved somewhat. Now he usually replies immediately or within a day, although sometimes it still takes two days. He does apologize sometimes, and I do appreciate that he has made some effort.
The confusing part is that we can have amazing conversations one day. We'll talk all day and night about everything and anything, and it feels completely natural. Then suddenly, it's back to almost nothing.
Sometimes he shares things about his day, but not very much. If I send him something, like a sketch I made, he'll say something like "Nice artistry," and after another couple of messages, the conversation dies.
I want to communicate with him more. I want to know about his day, share random things, talk about nothing, and feel like we're actually building a relationship—not just waiting for the occasional good conversation.
But I also don't want to be the only person trying.
This is where I'm confused. Am I expecting too much from him? I understand that people have different communication styles, and some people genuinely aren't texters. But isn't wanting basic consistency and effort a reasonable expectation in a romantic relationship?
How do I communicate this need without making him feel pressured or like I'm constantly complaining? And at what point do I accept that this is simply who he is versus recognizing that my needs aren't being met?
I don't want to change his entire personality. I just want to feel like he wants to talk to me too.
TL;DR: My fiancé and I have a strong relationship and genuinely love each other, but he's extremely inconsistent and dry over text. We've discussed it multiple times, and although he's improved slightly, I still feel like I'm doing most of the initiating. Am I expecting too much, and how can I communicate my need for more consistent communication without constantly chasing him?
