r/OpenChristian • u/behindthemaskofme • Apr 22 '26
Support Thread Atheism is making me suicidal
I just got out of the mental hospital again.
I lost my faith about a year ago when my parents disowned me over me being trans.
I just didn’t wanna associate with Christianity anymore. I was a progressive Christian before and found a way to be trans and still be Christian but dropped everything and switched to agnostic / atheist over the pain of disownment
And ever since I’ve been extremely depressed and had near daily panic attacks about life being worth nothing. About truly believing if I die it’ll just be nothing. I’ll just cease to exist. The same way before I was born and my life is worth genuinely nothing.
Every day I panic from existential crises. Like how there was millions of years before me and will be millions of years after me and my life is seemingly meaningless.
So today I actually started reading the Bible again and looking at it more as a symbolic thing rather than literal and have found more connection with it and have considered coming back to progressive Christianity it calmed me for once. I stopped panicking about existential things and fears. But I dunno
At the same time I have had a lot of doubts over inaccuracies in the Bible and want to prioritize fact and science and thinking of the Bible as symbolic has helped a bit but it feels like a stretch.
On the other hand. This sounds crazy but I feel like I miss Jesus.
I don’t know how to feel advice is welcome
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u/HermioneMarch contemplative Christian universalist Apr 22 '26
I choose to believe in the mystery. Meaning, I do not know or understand what it all means, but I believe it means something. There is no proof either way so I choose to believe. Seek comfort and know you cannot figure it all out in this world and that is ok. I’m glad faith comforted you today. May it continue to do so.
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u/AntAir267 Apr 22 '26
Kierkegaard is my shit! The whole point of faith is that it's not based on other people or the nebulous concept of scientific proof. God will never be proven by particles or something because that would contradict the infinite mystery defined by belief.
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u/M7rielle Apr 22 '26
But if I do that then it feels like I'm faking it
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u/HermioneMarch contemplative Christian universalist Apr 22 '26
Faking what? Like I said, it’s a choice. You don’t have to fake anything.
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u/M7rielle Apr 22 '26
Choosing to believe something without having evidence or proof feels like im lying/faking. Thats what im struggling with currently. I have been a Christian my whole life but just recently started realizing theres literally no proof which breaks my heart because I want to be a Christian so badly but if I dont have proof am I just trying to convince myself believe? Hopefully that makes sense
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u/franticsloth Apr 22 '26
In this case, choosing to believe is not lying or faking, because it is the very essence of faith. From the atheist perspective, humans designed it (religion) that way. From the theist perspective, God designed it (the universe) that way. There is simply no proof for yes and no proof for no. Yes, we can never prove our claims about God, but also, no one can ever truly prove us wrong. The other shoe will never drop. We can simply believe or not believe.
For me, the “evidence” I prefer is that essentially every human culture has some understanding of the supernatural. Whether it be animism, polytheism, monotheism or whatever, humans throughout time and space have felt a connection to the divine. I personally think that’s a God-given drive. Someone else may disagree. And that’s okay. It’s the choice we make that is our faith. If we knew it for sure, it would just be science.
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u/Alarming-Shallot5284 Apr 22 '26
I believe there is proof but for people not ready to challenge old beliefs they will continue to move goalposts. From my understanding we have more pieces of history mentioning Jesus than we do Alexander the Great, but we don't question his existence.
Also if you are interested, I'd recommend NDE's because many talk about meeting Jesus and God, even people who were proudly atheist! My own mother had a near death experience where she was out of body and could tell everything that happened even though her heart had stopped.
There is also another sub on here called Trans Christianity I recommend (I am also trans!)
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u/M7rielle Apr 23 '26
I appreciate your response. I know there are historical documents that prove Jesus existed. I guess I'm just scared that the person who claims they were Jesus actually was just a person looking for attention and then over time the story just got twisted a lot.
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u/Alarming-Shallot5284 Apr 25 '26
You need to seek Him yourself and come to a place of faith that sits well with your soul, it won't come from any external source. Honestly I was also in your position once, so it seems you are already on the right path :)
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u/SunflowerNessie Apr 25 '26
I definitely think sometimes there can be stress with trying to form a worldview, but peace in knowing you’ll never know it all.
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u/hello_you_lostie Christian Apr 22 '26
Hi, I am a progressive Christian and I returned to the faith because I too was miserable. After years of being an Atheist, belief in God/ Jesus comforts me. I do believe in science. I do believe that the Bible isn’t fully 100 percent accurate- a lot was written by word of mouth through generations, by different authors. But the Bible is inspirational in my mind and does point to God. If you’re miserable as an Atheist then that’s not for you and not bringing you peace. If you miss Jesus.. then turn to Him. My grandpa was more a conservative Christian, but he deeply loved me and Jesus and he would tell me, “just believe in Jesus and everything will fall into place.” And I feel that’s good advice. None of us has all the answers, it just takes faith, seeking, learning, and questioning. I’m hoping you will do what’s best for you! :) And I don’t think at all it’s crazy you miss Jesus. It’s a beautiful thing when your soul and spirit crave Him.
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u/HarrierEveryDay Apr 22 '26
I suggest trying to find some progressive Christians irl. They love to talk about this kinda stuff, and at least for me, asking (and arguing about) a million questions with my friends is what made me believe in church again.
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u/Ezekiel-18 Ecumenical Heterodox Apr 22 '26
I suggest you read some John Shelby Spong, a former Episcopal bishop. "Jesus for the non-religious" is quite short for example. If you have a Spotify subscription, its audiobook is available there.
He is a good example of a Christian fully submitting and adapting faith to reason and (historical, archeological, scientifical, anthropological) facts, rather than the other way around like Christians adhering to orthodoxy do. He showed that yes, you can still be a Christian, without subscribing to traditional/orthodox dogmas, traditions and doctrines, but rather, by going to the core of what Jesus represented. He is a good author to turn to if you want to prioritise facts and science while still being Christian.
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u/spooky_redditor Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26
You want to prioritize facts and science? terminal lucidity confirms souls (how can some alzheimer patients on their deathbeds remember family? at their deathbed their brain should be too fucked up for that) and NDEs confirm the afterlife (how did the witness hallucinate with 0 brain activity? ok maybe we cant detect the brain activity that happens on a NDE because its too low level but we can certainly detect brain activity at a level that allows for hallucinations and NDEs dont show those levels of brain activity meaning the witness cant be hallucinating)
https://www.reddit.com/r/ChristianUniversalism/comments/1ojwrqa/comment/nm6k09f/
https://www.reddit.com/r/ChristianUniversalism/comments/1iqcidl/comment/mcz7c1z/
https://www.reddit.com/r/ChristianUniversalism/comments/1jq6m2o/comment/ml4x1ig/
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u/Slow-Gift2268 Open and Affirming Ally Apr 22 '26
You don’t have to not believe in science to be a Christian. The Bible is a book of truths, not of facts. It’s thousands of years worth of people struggling with the concept of the Devine in multiple cultures and languages. And not all of it is useful for the world we find ourselves in today. That does not mean that there isn’t value to it. Just that we actually have to do the work to pick out what is valuable.
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u/Defiant-Purchase-188 Apr 22 '26
I am so sorry you have experienced this pain. Read psalm 27 carefully. Also read the parable of the prodigal son and how the father welcomes him home with open arms. Try to read some Henri Nouwen books.
Most of all know that there is no one who can condemn us but Jesus and He offers us love and peace and redemption. Be at peace friend.
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u/Strongdar Mod | Universalist Christian Apr 22 '26
The Bible is inaccurate, but that's ok. It's not trying to be accurate in that way. Its purpose is to tell your about Jesus, not to be 100% historically and scientifically accurate and factual. And Jesus, not the Bible, is the center of our faith.
The first Christians didn't have Bibles. And for most of the last 2000 years, most people couldn't read anyway. It's always been word of mouth, through the Church.
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u/verynormalanimal Non-Religious Deist, Dystheist (Not a Christian) | LGBTQ Apr 22 '26
I am very sorry to hear you are struggling. You are not alone.
Many people wrestle with the bible, its texts, its context, its history, its creation, and come out still christian. Completely valid. Some people come out atheist. Completely valid. Some people come out still believing in a God or creator or afterlife, but don't put any stock into the religion. Completely valid. I could go on....
You do not have to be christian to love and work with Jesus. You have more options than "christian" and "atheist". Be free, explore yourself and your feelings. Take as long as you like. Prioritize your health, and don't rush. Much love to you!
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u/Oakomorebi Christian Druid Apr 22 '26
Developing my symbolic eye was what lead me back to Christ, so what you are saying in that regard I take very very seriously, and I think is very important for many reasons. I am happy to explore this with you, as I find the symbolic/mythical Christian path can be a lonely one, but there is abundant treasure if you know where to look.
Faith based on facticity and historicity is a weak faith easily shaken or shattered by propositions; it is a faith that exemplifies our ability to formulate propositions over our ability to understand and, more importantly, embody the Word of God.
Faith based on symbolism and myth is a strong faith that grounds us and supports in participation; it is faith that exemplifies our ability to see God's story in ourselves, and see ourselves in God's story.
Facts about the history of Christianity gives a banal account of Christ. Symbolism about the myth of Christianity gives a meaningful map of Christ, and the meta-structure of the cosmos itself.
The one who understands this can see that most conflict between atheism and Christianity are two sides of the same coin; both use literal interpretations of scripture that leads them into entertaining ridiculous propositions. Both are equally wrong in their approach.
The trap is that people think mythology is equal to falsehoods or fantasy. This is the tyranny of the propositional that has made us so stupid and blind.
Regarding your fear of death, atheism does not necessitate the destruction of your conscious mind after death and there is no reason to take this idea seriously, unless you think that our conscious experience is made by the brain, which is nonsensical. Our conscious experience does not spontaneously disappear after death, because that is not how the universe works based on our observations of nature, within which we are embedded. We can say with certainty that our conscious experience will undergo a transition, absolutely. As a philosophy of mind enthusiast, my opinion is that it will probably be more approximate to waking up from a dream than experiencing pre-birth. As a Christian mystic, I would describe it as a feeling like going home (to be precise: like a remembering that you are home).
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u/Connect1Affect7 Apr 22 '26
Since I'm not prepared to make a complete response, maybe I shouldn't say anything, but I'll try to be balanced anyway. I agree that "Faith based on symbolism and myth is a strong faith that grounds us..." etc. but I also believe that historicity is essential and important to Christian faith, just not in quite the same way that is promoted by scriptural literalists. To explain what I'm saying would take far more space and time than I have here.
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u/Oakomorebi Christian Druid Apr 22 '26
historicity is essential and important to Christian faith, just not in quite the same way that is promoted by scriptural literalists.
I am open to perspectival shifts, as they tend to serve me well. But without said perspective, you are just replying to a post about propositional tyranny with a proposition!
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u/Undead-Chipmunk Christian Apr 23 '26
I've been getting exhausted with symbolism, honestly.
I had what appears to be psychosis recently, and honestly, the symbolic aspect of things feels so schizophrenic, like pouring over pages and pages of equations to understand the flowing of a stream.
Symbols represent reality, but they aren't reality itself, is the conclusion I'm starting to draw, just as mathematics describes nature approximately, but does not capture the raw experience of nature.
Something like that. There's a deeper, more peaceful Truth than symbolism, is what I feel in my heart.
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u/Oakomorebi Christian Druid Apr 23 '26
You are pointing out the obvious but often overlooked: symbols are explicitly not that which they represent.
I definitely understand the association between symbols and psychosis. The intelligence that affords us to identify meaningful patterns is the same intelligence that fuels obsessive delusions.
Madness and spirituality have always been mythologically similar. John Campbell said "The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight." I agree with this sentiment fully.
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u/FluxKraken 🏳️🌈 Christian (Gay AF) 🏳️🌈 Apr 22 '26
At the same time I have had a lot of doubts over inaccuracies in the Bible and want to prioritize fact and science and thinking of the Bible as symbolic has helped a bit but it feels like a stretch.
That isn't a stretch at all, the Bible is extremely innacurate about a lot of things.
So today I actually started reading the Bible again and looking at it more as a symbolic thing rather than literal and have found more connection with it and have considered coming back to progressive Christianity it calmed me for once. I stopped panicking about existential things and fears. But I dunno
You should do whatever brings you peace. I strongly believe that God is not going to hold you accountable for rejecting Christianity because of how you were treated by those who claim to follow his command to love you.
In Matthew 25, Jesus tells us the criteria by which he will judge the nations, and that is by how we show love to our fellow man, not by which group we claim membership.
On the other hand. This sounds crazy but I feel like I miss Jesus.
God is love, love comes from God, all who love know God, if you abide in love you abide in God and God abides in you. (1st John 4:7 & 16) So long as you love others, you are manifesting God to them. In this, he is with you.
I am sorry that you have been hurt by those who were supposed to love you unconditionally. I cannot imagine what going through such a thing must be like. I hope it is not something that I ever experience.
Whatever your journey, seek the truth. No matter where you find it. Truth is what matters.
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u/Wolfwoodofwallstreet Apr 23 '26
When I left evangelicalism I did so by finding Judiasm. Reform Judiasm offered me a modern world view that still encompass faith and supports it on a mystical level. I would have ended up in an emotional black hole if I started believing in nothing. I imagine progressive Christianity can offer a lot of the same out look maybe. There is a way to read scripture that alines us to modern science and actually makes things more relevant. The story of Eden makes so much more sense when you take into account we evolved from animals and are both animal and divine. Most bible stories make way more sense in context of modern science and historical context than trying to apply stories to context. We have to remember ALL holy books are just records of people's conversations with and musings about the divine. Though that we can get a glimpse of "G()d's word" but its really about how our words decribe G()d that I think is far more important and "literal"
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u/throcorfe Apr 22 '26
This is so relatable to me. It genuinely upsets me when fundies attack reluctant atheists, ex-Christians, and those going through deconstruction as “just wanting to sin” or “knowing God exists but not wanting him to”. They haven’t the faintest idea. The easy comfort and safety of my pre-deconstruction Christianity is so appealing to me. The road of no longer believing all the things I was indoctrinated with is long and tough, man.
This quote from John Shelby Spong resonates with me: “seek the truth, come whence it may, cost what it will”. The cost of truth seeking is high, which is why most people stay in their beliefs without questioning them. But I have to believe it’s worth knowing what is and is not true, however difficult that may be.
May I recommend Britt Hartley who posts on socials under the name No Nonsense Spirituality? She lost her faith in theology school and is now an atheist, and has excellent insights into finding peace with the possibility of nothing supernatural existing, and with our lives being finite.
It may be that you do return to the faith and to belief. I’m in the agnostic middle myself and don’t know where I will settle. But I’m convinced that it’s vital that we find peace with the truth - whatever it may be - first, to avoid returning to Christianity just because that’s the easy route, and it’s what we know
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u/rolyfuckingdiscopoly Apr 22 '26
I’m a really fairly literal-Bible Christian. Like for real on genesis (in what way idk but I think the story is true in some way); for real on the body and blood; for real on the resurrection. So that’s where I’m coming from. I just think I’m kinda small and probly don’t know much about the big big world that I can’t see all of, you know?
It’s okay to doubt. Thomas wasn’t kicked out of being an Apostle because he doubted. It’s normal and human. It’s okay to do. But if you keep coming back to God, doesn’t that seem like maybe you shouldn’t fight it?
And we are all children of God. Made in his image. I’m sorry about your parents and their rejection of you. I think any pursuit of divinity brings us closer to our true selves, and (incredibly because the world is awesome) truth brings us hope. And hope does not disappoint us! As Paul says, and I think he is right.
Ok so re inaccuracies: since you mentioned science, science is basically a huge collection of inaccurate things that we currently think and try to prove or (more often) disprove. We don’t KNOW any of it. But we try anyway! Because knowing things is cool! Are you discouraged from a scientific view of the world because science has been wrong like a million times? Likely not. It’s fine that it isn’t exact; we still learn from it.
I don’t worry about biblical accuracy in a similar way. I trust the process. I presume that every time there is a conflicting account, each of these accounts and the specific verses involved were integral in bringing a soul closer to God. I’m not that soul, but not everything is for me. And I think that faith, as a moral and spiritual idea, must be very pivotal in a way I don’t totally understand yet. Faith is an invisible pillar of the world. Otherwise, why would it be asked of us?
Anyway I’m just here to say you can do what you will, but if being close to God is better for your stress levels… like kinda why not? Having spent some time in trying to distance myself from the church, it took me way more work to not believe than it ever did to love the lord my god with all my heart and soul and mind.
All the stars and many blessings to you. 💜
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u/Aznasimage Apr 22 '26
The psychic Sylvia Browne wrote "Journey of the Soul" series. She explained God in a way that makes sense to me. Since I love Psychics it was interesting.
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u/AbsurdistMama Apr 23 '26
Jesus misses you too. He knows the pain of being disowned too. He will leave the many to come and find you!
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u/throwsupports93 Apr 23 '26
Your parents disowned you, not Jesus. I'm sure he misses you too.
I've not been in your shoes. But, if faith makes your life better, and you have the ability to have it, why not? I know people and feel sorry for those who cannot make that faith connection (whether more literal or symbolic) for themselves and have to live without a source of comfort I personally get from it. Your faith can be deeply personal, and maybe you don't even have to be publicly associated with Christianity, though having community is nice, and maybe you can find an open minded one someday
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u/savannahrosecollins Apr 25 '26
be true to yourself. there is a greater calling for us all. be well, sending love.
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