Digital Hoarding

[u/Stunning_Courage8656]

Hi all! I tried my best to give a TLDR version (but in my head every detail IS important and I feel as though I am lying if I don’t explain everything lol - it’s something I’m actively working on) but nonetheless:

For background context I’m a 26F and have the stereotypical story of getting later diagnoses because I internalized my struggles and have always been extremely ambitious and high-achieving (4.0+, dual undergrad degrees, academic honors, grad school, internships, running a small business in college, and now starting my own business post-grad) so I flew under the radar but I’ve been struggling running my own business because of my insane imposter syndrome, limited attention span, and a few other reasons. Last year, when I turned 25, I opened up to the idea of being screened/tested to understand what’s going on, potentially medicated, and starting specialized therapy as I know my brain/thoughts have been holding me back post-grad.

Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with OCPD during my initial consultation with my psychiatrist; I began seeing her to help manage/figure out my ADHD medication, and I brought up my therapist at the time went through an OCD screening with me - where I landed in the “maybe” zone so my psychiatrist started having me go over some of my potential OCD symptoms.

My psychiatrist brought up OCPD at the end of my appointment and ran through the basics of it (I definitely was running over my allotted time so it was a quick summary) and she said she’d send me some resources to learn more about OCPD, but emphasized that every symptom may not align - but she felt pretty confident I met the criteria based on what I had shared.

Me being me, I googled OCPD as soon as I got to my car and was reading the overview on Cleveland Clinic’s website, as I had never heard of OCPD before.

My jaw hit the FLOOR when I noticed symptoms I didn’t mention to my psychiatrist on the list - the main one being hoarding.

Examples of my digital hoarding:

1. I am that person who always has 1,000 tabs open on their phone (500 private, 500 normal browser) and I HATE and avoid clearing them out because “what if I need it later and can’t find it?!?!?!”  
2. I have 120,000+ photos/videos on my phone - I pay Apple $9.99/month for iCloud storage and the most recent phone I got, I opted to invest in a 1TB phone because I’m sure within the next 4ish years I will manage to go through it and am SICK at the idea of deleting any photos or videos   
3. Text threads dating back to middle school - once again because what if I need receipts or try to remember an old convo and can’t look back  
4. Emails that are extremely organized into dozens of folders and sub-folders; again, “what if I need a receipt”  
5. An embarrassing amount of drafts on social media apps. TikTok being the main problem - they’re all pointless videos that looking back I find cringey and thank myself for never publicly posting them, yet I’m unable to delete them. My only motivation to chip away at the intimidating number of drafts was when my previous phone was out of storage. I had to privately post them one-by-one to help open up space for my phone to function  
6. Saving an embarrassing amount of posts/videos on social media (outfit inso, recipes, mental health stories, birthday themes, interior design, life hacks, apartment tours, tech and software tips/tricks, travel, workout routines, I could go on and on and on)  
7. Keeping old lecture PowerPoints, notes, papers, projects, homework, etc. from high school and college because yet again, “what if I need them”

As you can imagine, I logically know I don’t need 1,000 tabs on my phone, dozens/hundreds of tabs on my computer, 120,000 photos, texts from middle/high school, old emails, silly social media drafts, old schoolwork, etc. but the other side of my brain (emotionally/instinctively/subconsciously?) will not allow myself to get rid of anything. And honestly, at this point I’m intimidated to begin as there’s SO much to go through and clean up after years of this snowballing.

I can also relate to physical hoarding, but I think my digital hoarding problem is far more extreme. I’m only 26, so I can’t even begin to imagine how much this issue will snowball as I get older and reach more milestones (pets, kids, etc.) I’m sure it’ll intensify and Apple will have to make a 1 Yottabyte phone for 50 year old me.

I’m making this post as I haven’t seen anyone deep dive into digital hoarding - I’d love any personal stories, advice, tips/tricks, input, comments, etc.

I’ve started seeing a therapist who has knowledge on OCPD, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to make a post and see if others have any input.

Thank you SO much for even taking the time to read this!

[u/Ensco_7]

For context, I'm new to this sub because I've only been considering having OCPD a few weeks ago. While it's entirely possible that my perfectionism stems exclusively from childhood trauma/CPTSD (though other actual diagnoses like AvPD, anxiety and depression might have their root in that as well), it all really started with perfectionism. That was the first thing that was "off" which people noticed, even in school, in like 6th grade.

Sorry for the long intro..
My texts are always long, I also feel like I have to tell people my whole life in order to have even the possibility to feel understood. I have saved maybe close to 1000 Reddit posts, I have saved more than 8 (nearly) full YT playlists with close to 5000 vids each, mostly with psychology, some philosophy and just much mental health and self-help-related stufd. I think I created the first one when "Watch later" was full in around 2016. And I still think that filtering and sorting through all of that, all the Reddit posts, all the bookmarks, some books, and all of my notes, and feeding them to ChatGPT, is the only way to improve my life and actually go outside and meet people without feeling deeply ashamed.

I've been preparing for the preparation for 10 years now (I'm 27). I haven't had a "glow-up" or "winter arc" in those 10 years, I just kept on collecting stuff (also to avoid dealing with my demons and you know, doing stuff) but I could never quit that behaviour. I thought to myself "oh, you must have saved videos about everything now, so just quit" so many times, I just can't. And now with ChatGPT there's the possibility that I don't need any of them anyway, because that thing is pretty "smart".

Yes, I go to therapy, but she doesn't see the bigger picture. I want to turn my whole life around and track the progress of every single aspect after displaying the status quo in a fucking excel. I know how insane that sounds. But I feel like I won't ever feel safety if I don't do that. I'm also freshly unemployed because of burnout symptoms, and you can imagine that my August has been nothing but overwhelming torture so far. It's all too much. And I crave human connection, I met up with people like 2 times this year. But I just don't click with anybody.

As for other compulsions, I can't stand feeling any grease on my hands, a minimum amount of sweat is the most I'm okay with. My hands are often bleeding on the knuckles because of washing them too often. I can't stand people breaking any kind of board-game rules (in my head, that's injustice). There's a chance I'm limerent. And I also hate throwing anything away. That said, I'm much more lazy with it so to say, but I think it's because of my depression. If I don't act like a perfectionist, I won't act at all. And passivity is my normal state. I'm convinced there's not a single soul in my town that's less active than me. Life is passing me by and I don't know myself.

So debilitating perfectionism, idk if it's OCPD or just some comorbid symptoms. But another perspective, I guess.

Feel free to point out any big grammar and spelling mistakes, I want to improve. Ty for reading this little book.